Allyssa folded the letter and placed it in the bag along with the others. Her hand cramped from having written for so many hours without taking a break. When she stood, her chair scraped against the wooden floor. A soldier ducked into the room at the noise.
“This is the last one,” she said, handing him the bag. “Make sure these are delivered immediately.”
“Yes, Your Highness.” He bowed and left the room.
Allyssa plopped back down on the chair and sighed. It had been a long day. After the battle, Darmik suggested letters be dispatched to the Russek nobility, letting them know Jana was dead and Kerdan would be ascending to the throne. With her upbringing, Kerdan thought she could word the letter better than he, so the responsibility fell to her. She’d been told to make it clear—join Kerdan or die.
Holed up alone in the office ended up being a blessing. She didn’t have to face anyone, nor did she have to deal with the aftermath of downstairs.
“I thought I’d find you still in here,” Darmik said as he came into the room. “Finished with the letters?” He sat on one of the chairs across the desk from her.
“Yes.” Her father had changed into clean clothes, which highlighted the dark circles under his eyes and revealed how exhausted he was. “Is everything under control?” she asked, really wanting to know if the dead had been removed and buried.
He nodded and leaned back in his chair. “I’ve made arrangements for us to leave tomorrow at first light. Get a good night’s sleep because I intend to ride all day.”
“Why are we in such a hurry to return home?” Not that she wasn’t eager to see her mother and Savenek; however, there was something else going on.
He stood and went to the window, looking outside, his back to her. “An unforeseen complication.”
“What is it?” Her father always planned for every contingency.
“I just received word that Telmena is furious with us. They heard you received an offer of marriage from Kerdan and are adamant Emperion and Russek do not align through marriage.”
Blasted. She hadn’t even considered Telmena in this. “Why do we care what they think?” They wouldn’t attack over that, would they?
“We have a responsibility to listen to their concerns. They are an influential kingdom on good terms with Fren. Those two kingdoms together are quite large. It is not wise to dismiss what they say without careful consideration.”
Allyssa laid her head down on the desk. “Does it ever end?” She groaned. There was always something going on, another kingdom to worry about, politics around every corner. It was exhausting.
“No. That’s why it’s imperative to choose a partner to spend your life with who can help with the burden.”
A partner, not a political alliance to strengthen the kingdom. “How do you know Telmena is upset?” Her father had been in Russek for well over a week now.
“Odar just received a letter from his parents stating that Fren and Telmena agree Emperion and Russek should not be united.”
Allyssa laughed. “You can’t be serious.”
“Unfortunately, I am.” He sat back down on the chair, crossing his legs.
“How dare they say what I can or cannot do?” She wanted to punch something. Swallowing her anger, she waited for her father to respond.
“I agree with you,” he replied. “But we must tread carefully.” He looked pointedly at her.
“Well, Fren does not get to dictate who I do or do not marry. Not anymore. They lost that right.”
“I agree.”
She eyed her father. “If you agree, then why are you telling me this?”
“You need to know what’s going on throughout the mainland. When we return home, you will resume your position as the crown princess. You will be taking on a more active role in running the kingdom.”
“Excellent.” Especially since she wasn’t going to be able to become Lilly anymore. She closed her eyes, picturing Grevik. When things settled down, she would visit his mother.
“Which brings me to the next item I wish to discuss with you.”
Allyssa opened her eyes and looked at her father.
“You must decide what you want. I need to start planning how we will handle each scenario.”
She assumed he meant with regards to Kerdan. “What do you think is best for Emperion?”
“All that matters is your happiness. I want you to decide what you want. You deserve to be happy after all you’ve been through.”
“If I don’t marry Kerdan, who do you suggest I marry?” Another prince from a neighboring kingdom? A rich duke’s son?
“Marry, don’t marry. I no longer care. The choice is yours.”
She couldn’t breathe. The choice was hers. “You truly don’t care?”
“There are pros and cons to both. No matter what you choose, there will be political ramifications. As Kerdan has so kindly pointed out, you are more than capable of making your own decisions and taking care of yourself. Therefore, instead of me telling you what to do, you decide.” He stood.
“Do you at least have an opinion as to what’s best for Emperion?”
“A happy princess.” He came over and kissed her head. “No matter what you choose, the kingdom will survive.” He left the room.
Allyssa remained sitting on the chair, stunned by her father’s change of heart. Somehow, his support and confidence in her lifted a huge weight from her shoulders. One she hadn’t even realized was there. She would rule Emperion. She would be a fair leader who protected her people. And she would continue the line of succession to her own children. Now, all she had to do was pick a partner to take the journey with.
* * *
Allyssa stood at the edge of the rooftop, overlooking the gardens below. The duke’s home was only a couple of stories tall, so it did not afford a spectacular view of the surrounding land like her castle in Lakeside did. However, being out here late at night with the full moon shining above, the wind caressing her skin, reminded her of home. Of how far she had come. How much had changed.
“I thought I’d find you out here,” Odar said from behind her.
She stiffened at the sound of his voice. How long had he been standing there?
He came next to her, leaning against the stone edge. “I don’t much care for Russek.”
“Will you be returning home tomorrow?”
“Yes.” He didn’t look at her. “This reminds me of when I met you on the rooftop in Emperion. When we first agreed to work together.”
She had no desire to reminisce over the past. “Is there something you want?”
“That was when I started to fall for you,” he admitted.
She clutched her hands into fists, not wanting to do this with him right now.
“Everything seemed so simple back then.”
“Have a safe journey home.”
She turned to go, and he gently took hold of her arm, stopping her. “I’m sorry. For everything.” His voice was husky, sending a jolt through her.
“Let go.” She couldn’t think with him touching her.
“I can’t,” he whispered. “I still love you. I don’t know how to live without you.”
Allyssa shook her head. He had no right to say such things to her. Not after everything he’d done. A tear slid down her cheek. Back in Fren, all she’d wanted was to hear him say that exact thing to her. Now, it was too late.
“Allyssa . . .”
“What do you want from me?”
“Say you still love me.” His fingers held her arm, almost pulling her toward him.
“How could I ever trust you again?”
“I’m sorry,” he said. “For everything. Pretending to be Jarvik, being a brute, and severing the marriage contract. I’d take it all back if I could.”
“But you can’t.” And if he’d never pretended to be Jarvik, she might never have fallen for him. Since he’d resumed being Odar, she hadn’t felt that same connection to him. Truthfully, she didn’t like the man he’d become.
“You’re so stubborn.” He let go of her arm, turning to face the gardens again.
“You need to understand that I am no longer the woman you met on the rooftop in Lakeside. I’ve changed. What I need, what I want, has changed as well.”
“People don’t change,” he said.
“If I haven’t changed, then I’ve found myself. I know what I’m capable of, what I want, and what I deserve.”
“Is this because of him?” Odar hissed, running his hands through his hair. “Are you choosing Kerdan over me?”
“I’m not choosing anyone.” She was trying to explain that she no longer loved him. Leaning against the stone wall, she said, “Your parents made it perfectly clear they won’t sanction a union between us.” Especially now that Russek no longer posed a threat, Fren would never willingly join with Emperion.
“I can convince my father to change his mind.” He glanced at her, his eyes glassy. “I love you, and I swear I’ll make it up to you. I will earn back your trust.”
She shook her head. There was nothing he could do to mend that rift. There would always be a part of her that cared for him, and a part of her that would never fully trust him.
“We love each other. That is all that matters. Everything will work out.”
“Love isn’t enough,” she said.
“Yes, it is. It’s all that matters. We will get through this.”
There was nothing to get through. Why didn’t he understand that? When he broke her heart in Fren, that single action changed everything. It couldn’t be fixed, taken back, or forgotten. “I once thought as you do,” she said. “I thought that love was all that mattered. And all I wanted was to marry someone I loved.” She still did. But now, she would marry for love, respect, friendship, and the betterment of her kingdom. She would choose to marry someone who complemented her, someone who needed her as much as she needed him. Her parents had so much more than just love, and that was why they remained happy and content to this day.
She breathed in the sweet smell of jasmine growing on the side of the castle. An owl hooted in the distance. There was such exquisite beauty and life around her.
“Marry me,” Odar whispered.
She smiled, knowing that at the first sign of trouble, he’d be off scheming. He would never include her in his plans because that wasn’t how it worked in Fren. Women were weak and needed to be protected. If they married, it would never be a partnership. He would be the head of the marriage, and she would be under him. While that might very well be fine for some, it was not okay with her by any means. She wanted—and deserved—an equal partner. They would never be on equal footing.
“We will find a way, I promise. Just say yes. I need you to say yes. My life will be incomplete without you.”
“I said yes once. Then you told me no. I’m sorry, but I won’t ever put myself in a situation like that again.”
“So you’ll never marry for fear the man will break your heart?”
“You’re not the man for me.” It nearly killed her to say that. To cause him that pain, because she knew what it felt like.
He scooted closer, reaching out and taking hold of her hands. “Don’t do this,” he begged.
She almost laughed. Almost. For he had done this exact thing to her. She didn’t mean to hurt him as payback. She had simply learned too much. “You were my first love,” she said. He shook his head as if begging her to stop. “I will always love you. But I am not in love with you. And I do not think we should marry.”
“Please,” he whispered. “I love you.”
“I’m sorry.” Perhaps if he had been honest from the start, she would feel differently. Perhaps if he didn’t consistently take away her choices, she could respect him. Perhaps if he hadn’t shattered her heart once, she could love him.
“Is it because of Kerdan?”
She’d learned Kerdan and Odar fought one another until the soldiers had been neutralized and Darmik ordered them to stop. Odar had a black eye and swollen knuckles from the fight. He’d stormed off, refusing to ever speak to Kerdan again.
“Right now, we’re discussing you and me.” Kerdan had taught her that there was another side to love. One with friendship and respect. Yet, she didn’t want to throw that in Odar’s face. It wasn’t fair to compare the two men. It wasn’t a choice between them. This was about Allyssa and doing what was best for her.
“Do you love him?”
“Does it matter?” she countered.
“Yes.”
She knew he wanted someone to blame besides himself. “Kerdan does not affect our relationship.”
“That’s all I needed to know.” He released her hands. “Now what?”
“I suggest you return home to Fren and do as your parents wish. Live your life.” The wind blew, tossing her hair about her face.
“Without you.”
“Without me.”
“I hope you find happiness.” He looked at her. Grief etched his features. “You deserve it.” He reached up, trailing a finger down her face as if trying to memorize it.
“Thank you. I hope you find happiness too.” It felt like a door was closing. Only this time, instead of it slamming in her face, she was gently shutting and locking it. “Goodbye, Odar.” Her chest suddenly tightened as tears threatened. She turned and walked away from him, knowing she would probably never see him again.
Images of Jarvik laughing, the two of them working together in Lakeside, and their first kiss all came flooding back. Those were the memories she would hold onto. And she would always remember him as Jarvik—not Odar. Taking a deep breath, she left the rooftop, ready to return home and start the rest of her life.