Allyssa tossed and turned, unable to sleep in the duke’s house. Not only did the fact that so many had died here disturb her, but countless people also kept coming and going throughout the night. Squads of soldiers continuously showed up to pledge their allegiance to Kerdan, who in turn dispatched them to other areas of Russek to hunt down Jana’s supports and eradicate them. Allyssa hadn’t had a moment alone with Kerdan all day. Neco told her Kerdan was leaving tomorrow to return to Clovek.
Unable to lay there any longer, she climbed out of bed and dressed in her traveling clothes. Even though it was still dark out, she knocked on Kerdan’s door, wanting to say goodbye before she left for Emperion. He didn’t answer.
Turning to the man standing guard, she asked, “Is the prince not in?”
“No, Your Highness.”
“Then why are you standing here?”
“He wants a guard posted at his door at all times.”
Allyssa eyed the man. “I have a letter for him.”
“I can deliver it to him when he returns,” the man offered.
“That would be perfect.” She handed it to him. “Thank you.” She went to the stables where she was supposed to meet her father. He’d said they would leave at first light. Judging from the hint of blue on the horizon, the sky would start to lighten within the next fifteen minutes. That was barely enough time for her to saddle a horse and become acquainted with it before they departed.
When she entered the stables, the familiar smell of hay greeted her. Much to her surprise, neither her father, Neco, nor Nathenek were there. Near the entrance, their stack of supplies remained. Bedrolls, food, blankets, waterskins. A few soldiers lingered about looking as if they’d arrived not long ago. She vaguely wondered where they’d come from and where Kerdan would dispatch them to next.
One of the soldiers nodded at her as he passed. “If I were you,” he called over his shoulder, “I’d pick the gray gelding. It’s fast.” He winked.
“Thank you.” Once, not so very long ago, she would have been terrified to speak with a Russek soldier. However, after spending so much time with Kerdan and his men, she understood that what she had thought was brusque or boorish behavior was really her own lack of understanding for the Russek culture and way of life.
“Anytime,” the man said before exiting the stables.
She found the gray gelding well-rested and already saddled. The horse came over and snorted at her.
“Is that a smile?” Kerdan asked, stepping out of the shadows not far away.
“I suppose it is,” Allyssa answered.
He walked over to her. Exhaustion consumed his face.
“You need to get some rest,” she chided him.
“I know. There’s just been so much to do. Once everything is under control and I’m crowned king, then I’ll rest.” He stood before her, his hands clasped behind his back, his sleeves rolled up to his elbows.
The past day had been a whirlwind. So much had happened. So much had changed. “Have you announced our alliance yet?”
“No.”
“What are you waiting for?” She feared that the nobles might try to stake a claim to the throne. Just because Jana was dead didn’t mean Kerdan’s crown was secure. He needed every advantage he could get.
He shifted his weight from foot to foot as if anxious. But Kerdan was never nervous. His hair hung loose around his face; the black swirls he usually painted on his cheeks and forehead were gone. “I’m waiting for your answer. Is this what you want?” His eyes never left her face, making her feel naked before him. As if he could look inside of her and know what she was thinking. “If you are not committed to Russek and to me, I’d rather remain friends and not marry.”
“Do you want to call it off?” she asked.
“No. I wish to marry you. However, it is a lot to ask. My kingdom is in turmoil. The situation here is volatile. I’m sure your parents have concerns over the match.”
“I’ve spoken with my father. While he can’t answer for my mother, he told me he wants me to be happy, and I am free to choose who I marry.”
He raised a single eyebrow. “You don’t have to make a political match?”
“Not if I don’t want to.”
He folded his arms across his chest. “You deserve to be happy. Whether that is with me or not.” A few soldiers entered the stables. Kerdan turned to face them. “I need a moment alone with Princess Allyssa.” The men bowed and left.
When he faced her again, she smiled at him. “I’ve already made my choice.”
“You have?”
“I have.” Unlatching the door, she entered the stall and took the gelding by its lead.
Darmik, Neco, and Nathenek entered, talking softly with one another.
“Did we interrupt something?” Darmik asked.
“No,” Allyssa answered, walking the horse out of its stall, acutely aware of Kerdan watching her every move.
“Good. We already have a dozen men outside waiting to escort us to the border. Let’s get going.” Darmik chose a horse, Neco and Nathenek doing the same. Two soldiers entered, grabbed the supplies by the door, and hurried out.
Once everyone exited the stables, Allyssa turned her attention back to Kerdan. “As I was saying, I’ve already made my decision.” She mounted the horse, riding to the exit.
“Do you plan on telling me what it is?” he called after her.
“I wrote you a letter explaining my answer and gave it to the man standing guard at your bedchamber.”
“Oh. I see.” Kerdan gave a curt nod, his face going blank. “I wish you safe travels.”
She exited the barn, joining her father.
“Ready?” Darmik asked.
“Yes. Let’s go home.” They rode off the duke’s property. No one spoke as they made their way south toward Emperion. Allyssa tried to picture Kerdan reading her letter. What would he think? How would he react? He could be reading it at this very moment. She went over the letter in her mind, hoping she’d expressed herself well.
My dearest Kerdan,
Each one of us wears a mask at times. We conceal parts of ourselves from others, only showing them what we want them to see. It is rare for a person to truly know another person—to see the whole of him, stripped of his mask. Somehow, you have managed to tear mine off and see me for who I really am. And, I dare say, I think I’ve done the same to you.
I haven’t known you all that long. But in that time, I’ve seen you hide behind your masks, never showing anyone who you are. They only see bits and pieces of you. The military captain, son, prince, soldier. I think you use your masks to guard yourself from other people who wish to use or harm you. However, I’ve seen the real you. A kind man who wants so much more for his kingdom, who has had to play these separate roles simply to survive, a man who deserves so much more than the lot he’s been given.
When I first met you, I thought we were vastly different. Over the course of our time together, I have come to realize that is not the case. Like me, you put on a front for others to see what they want or need while keeping yourself hidden and safe. I consider it to be self-preservation. But the point is, I am the same. I do the same thing. And I understand why you do it.
I have also come to another realization. I don’t have to marry anyone. I used to think I needed a man by my side to help me lead, make decisions, and to rule with. That is not the case. I am perfectly capable of doing so by myself. So, you see, I am in quite the conundrum. I never wanted to marry. In fact, I thought I was too young and despised my parents for forcing me to choose a suitor for the betterment of Emperion. I felt like I had no choice, and I was drowning. Now the Emperion line is secure, I have a brother who can rule if I don’t produce an heir, and my mother even told me that I can walk away from the crown if I wish. I can travel the world and have a great many adventures. And, let me tell you, this is quite tempting.
However, my time in Russek has taught me many things. I understand that it is my duty to rule the kingdom of Emperion. I will not shirk from my responsibility. I’ve discovered I can be true to myself and lead my people. As I gladly step into my rule as the crown princess, I understand that I do not need to marry.
Which brings me to my point. I have come to rely on and trust you. Not only as a friend, but also as someone more. The idea of not having you in my life makes it hard to breathe. When I think about you, I involuntarily smile and get all warm inside. I want to marry you, Kerdan. Bloody hell—I can’t believe I just said that I want to get married. Never thought that would happen. But there it is.
I know the road ahead of us will be bumpy, that you have a lot to do in Russek, that things will not be easy. But, without a doubt, I know you will always stand by my side as I will stand by yours. I know you trust and respect me. What greater honor is there?
When you’re ready, come to Emperion. We will sign the marriage contract once it’s finalized, and then we can marry. I am in no rush. Well, maybe just a little. I will need to introduce you to the Emperion court. And my mother. She must spend some time with you so she can approve of the union. That will be an interesting meeting. I’ll warn you now, my mother is a force to be reckoned with. If you think I’m stubborn, you haven’t seen anything yet.
If you’ve changed your mind and no longer wish to marry me, I understand. I know you originally only proposed because you needed to secure your throne. Our marriage is not the necessity it once was. You are looking for love in a marriage. You’ve told me you can see us loving one another and having a real marriage. That is what I want, too. If you still desire a marriage with me, I am yours. I will be your wife, your friend, and stand by your side to rule our respective kingdoms. You know where to find me.
All my love,
Allyssa