A knock resounded on the door to Allyssa’s bedchamber. It was probably a servant coming to light a fire in the hearth. Wrapping the robe tightly around her body, she went over and pulled the door open.
Kerdan stood there. He took up the entire doorway with his giant stature. “Can I come in?” he asked.
She blinked several times, startled by his appearance. “I’m not dressed, it’s late at night, and proper decorum dictates we not be alone in such an intimate setting.” She raised her chin in the air, feigning confidence, pretending she wasn’t standing there wearing nothing but a robe with her hair dripping wet from her recent bath.
He raised a single eyebrow. “You are fully clothed, it is not that late, and I can request a guard come in and chaperone us if that would make you more comfortable.” He leaned against the doorframe, crossing his arms. “Or I can stand here for this conversation.”
“And what conversation would that be?” Her hair wasn’t even combed. It was highly inappropriate for them to be so informal with one another, regardless of their past.
“I would like to discuss my marriage proposal and why you should accept it.”
She’d forgotten how arrogant he could be. “I’ll discuss the matter with you tomorrow, downstairs, in the sitting room.”
She went to close the door, but he stuck his foot out, stopping it. “Your father wants an answer.”
For her to formulate one, she needed time alone to think about it.
“He suggested I speak to you.”
“I doubt my father meant alone in my room.”
Kerdan scratched his head and stood upright. “I don’t see what the big deal is. You stayed with me in my room for weeks.”
Her face went flaming red. “Watch what you say!” Her reputation was on the line. If people knew she stayed in his room, her virtue would come into question. There had to be guards in the hallway overhearing this conversation. Why didn’t Kerdan realize or understand what he was implying?
Chuckling, he leaned forward. “I didn’t think such things mattered to you. Besides, we’re not at your castle or court where rumors will start.”
“There are plenty of servants here who will get the wrong idea.”
He entered her room, pushing around her and slamming the door shut. “Do you think I would allow someone to enter my uncle’s home who isn’t loyal? Who I don’t personally know?”
“How dare you barge in here.” And why hadn’t one of her father’s men stopped him?
Ignoring her, he said, “I take my own safety seriously.” His voice was laced with fury. She’d offended him. “Because your father, the emperor of Emperion, is here, I increased security measures. Then, when I learned you’d be here, I went and tightened it even more to ensure your safety. Do you know why?”
“Because you want to marry me?” It sounded more like a question than a statement.
He shot her a hard look. “No. It’s because I know what you went through in Clovek.”
She took a step back, away from him, wanting to hide in a hole.
He grabbed her arm, pulling her closer to him. “Allyssa,” he said softly. “I would never let anything happen to you. Jana is crazy and unpredictable. I know the Russek army, our tactics, who’s in charge, what they are likely to do. I can protect you.”
She glanced down at his hand on her arm. He released her.
“There are no servants in the duke’s house,” Kerdan said.
“What?”
“I sent them all away. The women who are here are spies. The men are in my army.”
She should have known he’d take such precautions. “I’m sorry. I was referring to everyone’s perception of our relationship and not a lack of security.”
“Did you just apologize?”
“No.” Never.
“I didn’t think you ever apologized. You’re so stubborn.” He turned and walked farther into the room.
“I apologize when necessary.” She wasn’t unreasonable. Wrapping her arms around her body, she tried to ward off the chill.
Kerdan knelt before the hearth, rearranging the logs inside. Grabbing the flint, he lit it and held it to the logs until the fire took. He stood and glanced about the room. “There’s nowhere to sit.”
She looked pointedly at him. He waved her off and picked up the fur rug beside her bed, placing it before the fire. “Sit.”
If her father had indeed suggested Kerdan speak to her, he would have assumed it would be in one of the rooms downstairs, not in her bedchamber late at night. Instead of arguing, she sat, curious to hear what he had to say.
Kerdan grabbed the blanket draped over the end of the bed and wrapped it around her shoulders before sitting next to her on the rug.
“Is everything okay in Jontis?” she asked.
He nodded. “I don’t wish to discuss that right now. But rest assured, everything is going according to plan.” Leaning to the side, he removed his sword and three daggers. “I’m going to be blunt. Even if we kill Jana, I will be challenged for the throne if you don’t agree to marry me. Without Emperion’s support, I won’t be able to convince the nobles to back me.”
“Once she’s dead, won’t you gain full control of the army?”
“No. There are three powerful nobles in the north who each control a large portion of the army. Together, they far outnumber me. I need them to support me. Then, once I am crowned and have control, I can gain their trust and loyalty. More or less.”
A log shifted in the fire. “Why Emperion? Why not some wealthy noble’s daughter?” Or was it her kingdom he needed? Wanted?
“I’ve considered it. However, Jana sold them on the idea that Emperion is worth conquering. Now that they share a common goal, they are eager to win. If we marry, I have Emperion. They will see it as a win instead of a loss.”
The room gradually warmed. Trying to think of what to say to this man beside her, she pulled her legs to her chest, wrapping her arms around them and resting her cheek on her knees. He’d always been honest with her. He deserved the same courtesy from her. “I’m afraid,” she admitted.
“I’ve already assured you the house is safe.”
“No.” How to explain it so he understood? “I don’t want to have my heart broken again.”
He sucked in a breath. “Allyssa—”
“Wait,” she insisted. “Let me talk. I know you said you didn’t love me and this would be a political match. That we could even live separately. I understand that. However, that’s not the sort of marriage I want.” Admitting this to him was hard. Opening up, being vulnerable, trusting him. “If I’m going to marry, I want a partner. I recall you saying you’d like the same. Since we are friends, we should get along and work well together.” Now for the difficult part. “But that’s not enough. I want more. The last time I fell in love, Odar broke my heart. He chose to put his kingdom before me.” What made it worse was that she understood his reasoning, respected it even.
“Are you saying you still love Odar and cannot move on?” he asked, his voice raspy and low.
“No.” Yes. Oh hell, she didn’t know. Articulating her feelings was near impossible when she wasn’t even sure how she felt. She’d never allowed herself to think about Kerdan as more than a friend. “What I’m saying is that I want to love again; only, I’m afraid to.” Had she scared him away with her honesty? Her feelings? This military man who always thought strategically and without emotions. “I’m sorry.” The blanket fell from her shoulders. She let go of her legs and pulled the blanket around her again. “We each oversee a kingdom and have a duty to protect our people. Does that mean our respective kingdoms always come first? Are we allowed to love?”
He abruptly stood and went to the window, leaning against the ledge and staring outside. “Do you think... with time... you could love me?” he asked, not facing her.
She hadn’t allowed herself to think about the possibility. Odar’s betrayal was still too fresh. It scared her to think of the future, especially with someone else.
“Because I know I... could... love you,” he said, still turned away.
His admission shocked her. “Really? Because I’m difficult, moody, and stubborn.” She also wasn’t like the women in Russek.
He turned around and looked at her, folding his arms across his chest and smirking at her. “I know.”
Removing the blanket, she stood and went over to him by the window. A steady rain fell outside, pinging against the glass. The fire cast a dark glow over his face, making the painted black lines look alive.
Kerdan hesitantly put his hand on her shoulder. “I—”
The door swung open, and Darmik entered. When he saw the two of them, he froze, his hand still on the door handle. He glanced at the hearth and then at Allyssa. “Did Kerdan light the fire for you?” he asked.
She nodded.
“Why is he still here?” His eyes narrowed as he came into the room, closing the door behind him.
“I am here to discuss my marriage proposal,” Kerdan answered.
“In her bedchamber?” Darmik clarified.
Kerdan shrugged. “Yes.”
Sensing the rising tension, Allyssa moved away from the window, positioning herself between the two men.
“You’re in your robe and your hair is wet,” Darmik stated.
Oh, he was furious. She chuckled.
“What’s so funny?” he demanded.
“I tried explaining to Kerdan the inappropriateness of having a conversation in my room. He didn’t understand. Perhaps you should enlighten him.”
Darmik took a menacing step toward Kerdan. “What makes you think it’s okay to come into my daughter’s bedchamber late at night to talk to her? She isn’t even dressed.”
Kerdan blinked. “You are aware she stayed in my private room, alone with me, during her time in Clovek?”
Darmik glanced at Kerdan’s weapons laying on the floor. “You did not mention that yesterday when we spoke on the matter.”
“Nothing happened,” Allyssa insisted. “It was the only safe place for me to be.”
He turned the full force of his glare on her. “And now that you are no longer being held captive, you think that because you’ve been informal around the prince before, it’s okay to behave in such a way now? Inviting him into your private bedchamber?” She was about to answer when he continued, “And you,” he looked at Kerdan, “think that because there aren’t any servants here, that you don’t have to follow proper decorum?”
“We do not have the same formalities in Russek. I’m sorry if you feel offended in any way.” An apology that wasn’t actually an apology.
The door swung open, and Neco stepped inside, Nathenek right behind him. “What’s going on?” Neco demanded, a dagger in hand.
Bloody hell. How many people were going to see her in her robe? “We’re discussing the marriage proposal,” Allyssa answered quickly. “That is all.”
“In your bedchamber?” Neco asked.
“Blimey,” Kerdan cursed. “Are all Emperions so ridiculously uptight?”
The room went deathly quiet. Darmik’s eyes narrowed and Neco took a step toward him, ready to restrain him if need be. Nathenek, on the other hand, stifled a smile.
“I accept!” Allyssa blurted out.
“What?” everyone said in unison.
“I’ll marry Prince Kerdan.” Although, she really wasn’t sure about it. She’d just said the first thing that came to mind to diffuse the mounting tension in the room.
“I want to talk to my daughter. Alone.”
Kerdan grabbed his weapons and followed Nathenek to the door. He glanced back at Allyssa, his eyes wide with shock. Neco wrapped an arm around Kerdan’s shoulders, firmly shoving him out of the room and closing the door behind them.
“Are you sure?” Darmik asked.
“You told me you wanted an answer, and I’ve given you one.” She sat on the bed, curling her legs under her.
Folding his arms, he paced before the fire. His silence made her nervous. He stopped and faced her. “Why did you agree? I want to know your reasoning.”
“It’s what’s best for Emperion.”
“How do you know?” he asked.
She played with the edge of her robe. “Odar is going to be here.” How would she face him?
“We have a plan in place. While you must spend some time with him, it will be very little.”
Tears filled her eyes. “I loved him.” Even though she had always been close with her father, she wished she could have this conversation with her mother.
“I know.” He came over and sat next to her. “I honestly thought he would have been an excellent husband.”
She wiped the tears from her cheeks, hating herself for crying over a man.
“Did I ever tell you about the first woman I loved?”
“No.” She thought the only person her father ever loved was her mother.
“When I was your age, I fell in love with a woman and asked her to marry me. She agreed. Then my brother, Lennek, found out. He hated me, so he and my father, Barjon, blocked the marriage. They couldn’t stand the idea of me being happy. Then Lennek demanded she marry him instead of me. She refused, so he married her off to an older man. Barjon had her father executed for not forcing his daughter to marry Lennek. Jarcy, that was the woman’s name, ended up killing herself.” He rubbed his face.
“Why didn’t you tell me any of this before?”
“It’s painful to remember.”
It was as if she didn’t know this man beside her. Her father—who had a past she never heard about. Did all grown-ups keep secrets? Have things happen that were so traumatizing they locked the memories away? Would she be sitting with her children years from now telling them about Russek and Odar? Or would she seal those memories away forever? “I’m sorry. I had no idea.”
“I told you this so you can understand that just because you loved Odar, it doesn’t mean you can’t love another man. You have no idea what the future holds for you.”
“I know,” she said, her voice soft and barely audible. “Do you think I should give Kerdan a chance?” Open her heart to the possibility?
Darmik stood and went to the fire. “I don’t know. He’s a hard one to read. A bit rough around the edges. I’m not sure what Emperion will think of him.” He turned around to face her. “For his age, he has accomplished a lot. He’s an effective captain in the army. It’s his reputation that gives me pause.”
Thunder boomed in the distance, and rain started to pound against the window. Allyssa shivered. “Kerdan has many sides to him. He is not solely good or bad. Like most of us, he falls somewhere in the middle.”
“I need you to answer me honestly. Have you... were you . . .”
“I was not raped.” She wanted to be clear so her virtue could not be questioned.
He turned back toward the fire, his shoulders rising and falling. “But you were tortured.”
“Yes.” A heavy moment of silence fell between them. “Kerdan saved me from certain death.” He’d held her life in his hands, about to kill her, when he changed his mind and refused to carry out his father’s order.
Finally, Darmik faced her again, his eyes red. “You don’t feel obligated to him, do you?”
“No. I respect Kerdan and consider him a friend.”
“Why have you agreed to marry him?”
“It is strategically a good move.” The one kingdom that threatened Emperion would be united with them.
“What about you?” Darmik asked. “Is it a good move for you?”
How was she supposed to know? “He won’t change his mind like Odar did.” Kerdan thought she would strengthen him, not weaken him as Odar believed.
“Are you agreeing to this to hurt Odar?”
Maybe. “I don’t know.” Her father was no dummy.
“Do you want to marry Kerdan?”
“I don’t know.”
He sighed and came before her. “The negotiations will move forward after Jana is assassinated. That way, you can have some time to become better acquainted with Kerdan. Then, if you decide to back out, you can since nothing will have been signed. Also, your mother has to meet and approve of him.”
That sounded reasonable. It gave Allyssa an opportunity to think on the matter some more, and she wouldn’t want to marry a man her mother didn’t like.
“And your brother.”
“What?”
“Savenek must approve as well.” Darmik chuckled. “That should be an interesting meeting.”
“Why?” Her brother didn’t know her or Kerdan. How could his opinion be of value?
“You’ll see when you meet Savenek. Now get some sleep. I want to speak with Kerdan. We need to have some things squared away before tomorrow.” He went to the door. “And honey, if I ever find another man in your bedchamber before you’re married, I’ll kill him. I don’t care who he is.”
“Even if it’s my guard Marek?”
“Even Marek.”
* * *
Allyssa woke up in a cold sweat, a hand on her shoulder.
“It’s me,” Nathenek said.
“What’s going on?” she asked, sitting up in bed. The fire had burned out, and the room was dark. It had to be the middle of the night.
“I told the guard outside your door to wake me if he heard any noise coming from your room. He said you were crying out. I came to check on you.”
She laid back down, wiping the sweat off her face. “I had another dream about Soma.” This time, he had her tied down while he loomed over her with a knife in hand.
“I’ll sleep on the ground beside your bed. That way, if you have another bad dream, I can wake you before anyone hears your screams.”
“Are you sure?” She didn’t want to keep him from sleeping; it wasn’t fair to him.
“I’ve learned to survive on very little sleep,” he admitted. “I do better when I have an assignment to focus on. So you’ll be helping me just as much as I’ll be helping you.”
Her father had explicitly stated that not a single man was allowed in her bedchamber—no matter who that man was. Even if they were just friends and there was nothing going on between them. Nathenek was older than her father and he felt like an uncle to her, but still.
“I’ll make sure no one sees me coming or going,” he added, stretching out on the hard floor, as if he’d read her mind.
“We haven’t known one another very long,” she said.
“And?”
“How do you know what I’m thinking?” Grabbing one of her pillows, she handed it to him.
He put it under his head. “I can read everyone that well, not just you.”
A result of his trade? Or a skill learned over time? “What do you think of Kerdan?” she asked, eager to hear his opinion.
“He is cunning and ruthless,” he said without hesitation.
Nathenek’s words made her shudder. She’d thought the same thing the first time she met him. “You don’t like him?” Did he think Kerdan wasn’t being honest or forthright with her?
“That’s not what I said.”
“Then you do like him?”
“I didn’t say that either.”
She wanted to hit him with a pillow. “Then what are you saying?” she demanded, trying not to raise her voice above a whisper.
“My read on him is this—he is a complicated man, a ruthless soldier. I believe he cares for you, and there is more to him than he lets anyone see.”
Blimey. That was a lot to take in. “You got all that after spending a couple of hours with the man?”
“I got all that within the first five minutes.”
His assessment validated her own. “Do you think I should marry him?”
“Why are you asking me?”
She rolled onto her back, staring up at the ceiling. “To make sure I’m not missing something.” She didn’t want to make another mistake like she did with Odar.
“I need to spend more time with him before I can give you my opinion. Now I have a question for you. Why did you agree to marry him?”
“To protect myself from Odar.” Because if he apologized or asked for forgiveness, she would give it to him. Her heart would be in danger of being broken all over again. This way, there would be a wall around her. Odar couldn’t try to repair the rift between them, and she would never know if he wanted her back. Perhaps it was cowardly of her. But her heart was too fragile to face the man who had destroyed it not so very long ago. “Not the reason you suspected, is it?”
“It is the reason I assumed.”
“Really?” Damn, he was good. Too good.
“Now go to sleep. You have a very busy day ahead of you tomorrow.”