Taylor was miserable, and I was the cause. I’d always been the reason her life stood still. Everything was always about me, for all the wrong reasons. I couldn’t cope with the kid glove treatment, the walking on eggshells approach. I wanted to forget anything had happened at all. Easier said than done, I knew. If I kept up this silent, morose attitude they’d have every right to commit my arse to a psyche unit. Nobody would blame them. Except I didn’t belong there, it wasn’t happening.

We had more than ‘us’ for the first time in ever, we both had a shot at a future that looked rosy. My sister should remember how it was. I so desperately wanted what had been promised and I wasn’t letting Adam take it all away again. Another eight years would not pass me by in despair.

I had a life. A life I was beginning to enjoy and there was no way I was going to be a bystander and watch it slip away another time. Lucca was there if I wanted him, all I had to do was reach out and take it. Adam had stolen enough, he was getting no more of my blood or my tears. I was alive, he hadn’t killed me. It was enough.

“Of course you are.” Taylor let go of my hand and took a step back. “Tell her, dad. She needs to come home.”

I peeked behind Taylor to the kind eyes of my father. He was sitting in the chair at the side of the bed, his relaxed posture telling me straight away he understood. He knew where my head was at, even if Taylor didn’t.

“Dad.” Taylor pushed, never taking her eyes from me.

“Stop it, Taylor. Lucca can take me home.”

“He can’t take care of you like I can. Where is this coming from?”

I’d spent a day in shock, closing myself off, the disbelief heavy. Then I’d spent the next two days reflecting. I hadn’t been ruminating on what happened, that would surely come later. No, I’d contemplated. My life was mine - completely. Only I got to decide how my story would end, only I could decide how to make that happen. Taylor and my family had been my crutch for far too long, I was ready to walk on my own. There were things I wanted, hiding away with my sister would never deliver.

“He will.” I stared my sister down, feeling awful that this would inevitably escalate into an argument when we were all so vulnerable. Emotions already raw. “I need to do this Taylor, to move on. You do, too.”

Lucca had become the deciding factor through all my reflections, all my decisions circled around this man. Not a different crutch, only a different future. I loved him. Was it enough? To love him, and for him to love me? There was a promise of a beautiful time to come, he’d never broken an oath to me yet. I believed I was doing the right thing and held immense hope in my heart for the first time in what seemed like forever.

“This is crazy, Laura.” Angry tears coursed down her flushed face, I saw no will to fight in her bland eyes that glared back at me.

“I’m okay.” For the first time in eight years I could say those words freely and absolutely mean them, no fear winding me taut. “I’m okay.”

The damage and pain Adam had caused would forever mar who I was; my wrists would scar but what were a few more to add to my story? Rather than feel like the shattered person I should have been, I took comfort in the fact I’d won. Adam was gone, never coming back. To decide my own future without the paranoia and dread following me around every corner had me dizzy with expectation.

“Please. Let me take you home?”

I didn’t want to hurt her anymore. I wanted a future for us both, one where she wasn’t my saviour, one where I wasn’t her burden. Life was beautiful, was meant to be embraced and loved, no matter the shitty hand we were dealt. We’re not meant to look in from the outside, we’re intended to be a part of the beautiful things life offered, no matter the ugly thrown our way. I couldn’t live in the space between any more; it was a bleak and desolate place to be. I no longer belonged in that barren wasteland, my muted colours longed to dazzle.  

Going home with Taylor and my father would be a mistake. It had to be Lucca.

“I’m sorry.”

I stretched out to Taylor, only for her to shuffle further away from me. I watched her visibly crumble and felt sick to my stomach. Something else was afoot, something I wasn’t privy to. I hadn’t expected her reactions to be so fierce.

“What is it?”

She shook her head and twisted away from me, moving to the door of the room. Without turning back to face me she simply said; ‘I love you.’ Before I could call her, she’d slipped from the room and my heart deflated. I itched to get up from the bed and chase her down, beg her to understand, tell her how much I loved her, how sorry I was.

“Leave her be, Laura.”

“What’s going on, dad?” My concern grew as he looked at me gravely.

“When she’s ready, she’ll come around.”

I grunted at his blatant attempt to waylay me. “That’s not what I meant.”

“I know.” He pulled his phone from his jacket pocket. “Lucca’s coming in a few minutes.” He waved the phone at me. “Are you sure this is what you want?”

Was I?

Yes. Determined appeared the better word. I stayed silent; answer enough for my father.

He stood up and tugged the portable table over to my bed. “You need to eat.” Pulling lids off pots, he grimaced as he pushed them in front of me. “You want out of here? You need to eat, you need to talk. Start now. You look like shit, kiddo.”

I tittered at him and peered into the dubious looking contents of the pots. “Okay.”

* * *

Not so much as two words had left my mouth to Lucca since he’d saved my life. It suddenly struck me as incredibly rude, and rude I wasn’t. I swear, the moment I’d heard his gruff cough that night, he’d quieted me. The nightmare stopped, the spinning ceased, the screams silenced. Yet, I’d shut him out since. Today, I ended it.

“Hey.” The room door opened, and Lucca cautiously stepped inside. “You’re up?”

“Yeah.”

Talking still hurt, my voice still husky, from screaming or being crushed I wasn’t sure. There was no permanent damage thankfully, my discoloured face still looked awful, if not worse, now the bruising had come out. The swelling was taking it’s time to go down. My vision still blurred on occasion in one eye, again - no permanent damage. Surface wounds really, they’d be gone in no time. No mistaking I was a mess and I was nervous at Lucca seeing me this way. There’s no telling what his reaction would be.

Lucca shifted to the bed with unsure steps, his eyes taking in every inch of me. “May I?”

He pointed to the side of me and I hated he felt the need to ask to come closer. I tried to smile, a wan thinning of lips, shaky at best, all I could manage was a pathetic ‘sure.’

Emotions quickly overcame, and I sought to cry. Gone was the determination to be strong for him, show him I still had some conviction about me, strength in the decisions I’d made. Somehow, seeing him had reduced me to tears. Crumbling into him and staying there for days on end seemed like such a great idea. Nothing could hurt me in those strong arms of his.

I reached for his hand when he settled on the bed as close as he could get, he leaned over and brushed a tentative kiss across my cracked lips as he wound his fingers with mine.

“You ate today?” I eyed the half-finished pots of food and grimaced. “Good, you need some food in you.” His eyes darted to my neck when he smoothed his other hand across my head.

I hadn’t exactly showered, I looked disgusting, most likely smelled worse, which wasn’t anywhere near being pretty. I remembered the nurse, Vicki, attempting to wash my hair in the bed. The process had been awkward at best and not entirely successful.

“You take a shower yet?” The man was always on my wavelength. I attempted a grin and shook my head. “I’ll get the nurse.” He pushed on the buzzer that was draped over the headboard of the bed. “You need help?”

Yeah, I did. I hadn’t stood on my own two feet for more than a few minutes, it was time to get moving. I needed the sun to shine, like the song said. These would be my first steps in that direction.

“Would you help me?” I blushed with the question.

Surprise registered on Lucca’s face, yet he didn’t shy away. “Of course, let me ask the nurse. I want to make sure it’s okay.”

“Hey, Laura.”

Lucca got up when Vicki came into the room. Her smile was always kind, her face always gentle. She had a gleam in her eye, like she knew a secret and wasn’t going to tell you. I liked her, and was grateful she’d been around when she was.

“What do you need, sweetheart?”

My eyes darted to Lucca and I felt another tinge of embarrassment. “Could I take a shower? Lucca said he would help.”

Vicki grinned and side eyed Lucca. “That sounds like a great idea. I think we could maybe get rid of that catheter as well, huh?”

Her words were a relief. She threw the curtains closed as Lucca stepped to the corner of the room, out of sight. Vicki snapped on latex gloves and grabbed the catheter kit. Five minutes later she was gone, and I was sitting at the side of the bed, legs dangling. Lucca held his hand out to me. The man was an absolute keeper.

Getting to the en-suite bathroom was no problem, Lucca held firm at my initial wobble on unused legs, and we managed. Getting undressed was simple, too. Lucca’s gentle hands unwrapped the gown from my body, the whole while he watched my face, seeking signs I was comfortable with what he was doing. Getting into the shower cubicle was easy, Lucca stayed nearby at my request.

The hot water washed away what felt like years of grime and tears and I was pulled into a false sense of relaxation. The cascade of warm water on my head and the ensuing pink running down the drain catapulted me straight back to hell. Adam caught up with me, larger than life and with black vengeance. My vision spotted, and my breaths wouldn’t come as air squeezed from my lungs, gulps painful. I slumped to the bottom of the shower, sitting in pieces of Adam, barely registering Lucca climbing in with me.

I cried.

It wasn’t clear to me why the dam had breached, and the flood was so severe. I cried vigorously, my throat ached worse than it had before and my eyes stung. Lucca held tight and let me be. He didn’t talk, no words of comfort, a gentle pull and wide arms surrounded me while I fell apart in his lap. A towel had appeared around my shoulders, but the cold permeated my skin with fierce intent. And Lucca still let me be, let me wail, let me cry, all the while feeding my soul and giving his silent comfort.

Adam came at me clear, his lascivious leer eating into me. Squeezing my eyes tight, I let the memories consume me and take what they wanted. I let him break me one last time before I purged him from my mind. If getting over despair took falling apart on a hospital shower floor to get right on back up again, I’d take it. Broken pieces could be mended; sewn or glued. Those missing pieces could be filled with a different kind of adhesive - stronger - to make something new. I may have been falling apart but Lucca was my strength.

A long time passed before I found the will to breathe steady again. Every breath Lucca took, I mimicked. His steady heart thrummed through my body, giving me strength, one beat at a time. I imagined it was the tick tock of a clock, one that was beating the seconds of my life, reminding me there was always more. More love, more life...more time. That I could live those minutes again.

Lucca lifted me eventually, strong hands being gentle. Soft-hearted voices being quiet. I was tucked into a warm bed where silence was my friend. Tender arms wrapped around me from behind, quivered lips spoke against my neck. Words that made my heart soar, word’s I’d never forget. He promised his all to me, it would be the ninth and last promise I counted, for he had kept them all. I drifted off to sleep, his words like counting sheep over and over.

“I love you, Laura.”