“MOMMA. MOMMA!”
I cracked one eye open just enough to see Matthew’s smiling face lying on the pillow next to me.
“Good morning, baby.” I rubbed his cheek with my thumb and closed my eyes again.
“Momma! The sun is awake. Time to get up.”
Groaning, I rolled over and grabbed my phone to check the time. “Sweetheart, it’s not even seven yet. The sun gets up earlier than people. Can’t we sleep for a little bit longer?”
“Okay.” He sighed and squeezed his little eyes tight, nuzzling in close to me.
I wrapped my arms around him just as I heard a loud growl. My eyes snapped open. “Was that your stomach?”
With his eyes still pinched together, he nodded.
Wow, there goes your bid for mother of the year.
“I’m sorry, honey. I didn’t know you were so hungry. Let’s go have some breakfast together while we wait for Maura to wake up.”
He didn’t need me to say it a second time, springing from the bed in his little Ninja Turtle teddy bear suit. How could kids wake up and hit the ground running like that? I practically needed two cups of coffee just to get my eyes open and then I still needed a nap by lunchtime.
This adult stuff sucks. I want to be four again.
I tiptoed past Maura’s bedroom door and down the stairs, hoping to steal some valuable alone time with Matthew before Princess Bossy Pants woke up.
“What do you want for breakfast?” I yawned.
“Um…”
I looked over and Matthew was sitting at the coffee table in the living room, already engrossed in his latest Lego collection.
“Matthew!” I laughed as his head snapped toward me. “Stay with me, buddy. What do you want to eat?”
“Um… scrambled eggs and jelly toast.” He turned back to his Legos.
I stood there with my arms crossed and cleared my throat dramatically so that he’d look over at me again. My eyebrows raised but I didn’t say anything.
“Please,” he added with a grin.
“Thank you.” I returned his smile before heading to the fridge and filling my arms with eggs, milk, and cheese. I carried it all over, dropping it carefully onto the island.
“Momma.” Matthew climbed up onto the stool, resting his chin on his hands. I loved when he sat like that. It made his cheeks squish out like they had when he was a baby. “Can Viper give me cooking lessons too so I can cook breakfast for you next time?”
His innocent question was like a shot to the gut.
“Well…” I sighed, not sure how to answer him. “I’m not sure about that, sweetie. Viper’s really busy with hockey right now so he can’t come over.”
“What about when he’s done? He makes good food.”
“He does make good food.” I nodded as I reached up into the cabinet to grab a mixing bowl, desperately praying he’d get bored with my answers and return to his Legos, or at least pick a different topic.
Viper and I hadn’t talked in two weeks, and honestly, I wasn’t sure we ever would again. I was so embarrassed about the way I threw myself at him after the wedding that the thought of facing him again made me cringe. And… he’d made his choice. If he’d wanted me even a little bit, he had clear access that night, but he chose not to. It was probably for the best anyway. Nothing good could have come from us having sex.
Stop lying to yourself.
The truth was, I was devastated. Embarrassed. Kissing him had felt amazing. It had felt like the biggest release after months of arms brushing together and little glances that left us both blushing. The electricity between us was so strong there were times I was surprised I couldn’t actually hear it popping in the air. Somehow, the man I used to tolerate for my husband had become someone I couldn’t go five minutes without thinking about. But he didn’t want me. To him, I was nothing but an obligation.
“Momma!”
Matthew calling my name pulled me back from wherever I had been. “Yes, baby?”
“Your phone.” His little arm was extended, his finger pointing toward my phone on the corner of the island.
“Thanks.” I smiled as big as I could, even though I was dreading deleting that text, just as I’d been doing every morning for the past two weeks. It was almost easier to assume he’d stopped thinking about me, but his morning texts were proof that wasn’t true.
I grabbed my phone and was both happy and sad when I saw the text was from Taylor, not Viper.
T: Yo! It’s gonna be above freezing today and I was thinking of going to Mike’s grave to clear the snow and ice off. Wanna go with me?
I answered as fast as my fingers would type.
Yes! Maura is fighting a cold, so I’m gonna text the sitter and see if she can stay here while we go. What time were you thinking?
T: Pick you up at noon?
Perfect! If you don’t hear back from me, all is good. See you then.
I sent a quick text to Desi and within seconds my phone beeped again. Hopefully she didn’t have plans and wouldn’t mind sitting here for a couple hours. I looked at the screen and took a sharp breath.
V: How are you? Is there anything I can do?
I’d known that text would be coming eventually, but I was still caught off guard. Every day when he’d texted, I had deleted it immediately so that I wouldn’t be tempted to answer. My phone beeped again.
D: No problem. I’ll be there at 11:45.
I worked my butt off all morning to get the kids dressed for Desi, have lunch ready to go, and pick up the downstairs. Before I knew it, Taylor was at the front door. Of course Matthew and Maura were hanging all over their auntie, begging her to come play with them.
“Mommy and I are going to run some errands, but how about after I drop her off, I come in and hang out for a bit?”
Matthew agreed and reluctantly let her go, and we were off.
The cemetery where Mike was buried was only about ten minutes from the house. Taylor and I had gone often last summer to plant flowers and keep his gravesite as clean as possible. It was our thing to do together. We both agreed it made us feel good to still have something we felt like Mike needed us for.
“So… I’ve been meaning to talk to you,” Taylor said seriously as soon as we pulled out of the driveway.
I turned to her, frowning slightly. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,”—she shook her head—“but I feel terrible and I owe you an apology.”
“An apology? For what?”
“For being the worst sister-in-law in the world.” Her voice cracked.
I tilted my head to the side and pursed my lips. “No you’re not. What are you talking about?”
“The whole reason I moved here in the first place was to help you with the kids and be around more, and then I met Isaac…” She chewed on the corner of her lip to try and keep from smiling, but when Taylor talked about her new boyfriend, it was impossible for her not to.
“Taylor, I get it. You don’t have to apologize,” I assured her. “You’re young and gorgeous. I figured it wasn’t gonna take long for some man to scoop you up.”
“We’re moving in together,” she said hesitantly, grinning at me.
My mouth fell open. “You are?”
She nodded as we turned into the cemetery parking lot. “His lease is up next month, and since we spend all our time together anyway, we figured why pay two rents.”
“Well.” I giggled. “At least he doesn’t have far to move.”
She put her truck in park and we grabbed two shovels out of the bed, linking arms as we made our way to Mike’s plot. Thankfully, there wasn’t too much snow on the ground yet, which meant the cleanup wouldn’t be too difficult.
I was staring at the ground, concentrating on not slipping on random pieces of ice, when Taylor stopped suddenly, almost knocking me to the ground in the process.
“What are you doing?” I looked up at her.
Her head was tilted to the side and she was staring straight ahead. “Look.” She pointed. I turned my head, following her finger toward Mike’s grave.
My head jerked back a little. “Whoa.”
Mike’s entire area had been shoveled clean already.
“Looks like someone beat us to it. A fan maybe?” she asked as we finished walking the rest of the way there.
As soon as we got close enough, we could see that not only had someone cleaned the snow off his plot, but the ice and snow had also been removed from his headstone, and sitting on top of it, right in the center… Lemonheads.
Taylor picked them up and frowned at me. “Who would’ve left these here? That’s weird.”
My eyes stung and I pinched my top lip in between my teeth, trying my hardest not to lose it right there.
“Don’t you think this is strange?” Her eyes swept up from the box to mine and then bulged. “Michelle, what’s wrong? Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” I sniffed and shook my head.
“What’s going on? What’s wrong?” Taylor’s eyes darted around the cemetery like she was missing something.
“Nothing. I’m good.” I cleared my throat, looking down at the box of candy. “Those are from Viper. That was their thing.”
She looked down at the Lemonheads and back up to me. “Wait, are you crying because of these? Because of him?”
“No, I’m not.” My chin quivered. “Can we just not talk about this right now, please?”
Her eyes softened and she took a step toward me, placing her hand on my arm. “Are you in love with him?”
“I can’t do this. Not here!” I swallowed a sob as I walked over and bent down, placing my lips on the cold granite of Mike’s headstone. “I love you,” I whispered before I stood up and hurried back to Taylor’s truck.
Taylor followed several steps behind me, not saying a word as she unlocked the truck and we both hopped in.
The drive home was horrible and awkward, and I just wanted to be out of the car. Panic flared up in my belly when instead of turning left into my subdivision, she turned right, headed toward the Starbucks.
“What are you doing?” I asked, looking out my window to avoid her eyes.
I felt her hand on top of mine and turned my head toward her. “This is long overdue,” she said with a tight smile.
We ordered our drinks—black tea lemonade for me and a chai tea latte for her—and found a small table in the back corner.
Neither of us wanted to start the conversation. That was obvious by the way we both stared out the window not speaking, but I also needed to get home eventually.
“Listen, I’m all for hanging out with you anytime, but this isn’t necessary right now. It’s really nothing, I swear.” I tried to smile convincingly as I shrugged.
“Michelle,”—she cocked her head to the side—“I’m not an idiot. Lemonheads don’t make most people cry for no reason.”
Just the mention of the candy made my face pinch together as I looked down at the table and tried to hood my eyes with my hand.
“Honey, what’s going on?” she said in a soft tone as she reached across the table and rubbed my forearm gently. “Are you in love with Viper?”
I couldn’t lift my head to look her in the eye, and if I opened my mouth to respond, I was going to sob, so I just nodded.
She got off of her chair and moved it around to my side of the table, where she sat back down and put her arm around my shoulder. “Why didn’t you tell me?” Before I could say anything, she lifted her hand and slammed it back down onto the table. “Because you haven’t been around in months, Taylor, you idiot,” she said to herself.
“You’re not an idiot.” I took a shaky breath as I wiped my eyes on a crumpled-up Starbucks napkin.
“How long has this been going on?”
I shrugged. “I don’t even know. One day he was just… Viper. Then eventually, the more we hung out and I saw him interact with Matthew, I don’t know, suddenly it was just different. I didn’t tell you because I’m ashamed. I don’t want you to hate me.”
“Why do you think I would hate you?”
I dropped my hands to the table. “Why wouldn’t you hate me? I was married to your brother.”
“Right, and you were an amazing wife to him for many years, Michelle. It’s not like you cheated on him and broke his heart. Then I would probably hate you, but this is different. So different.”
“I know, but Mike hasn’t even been gone a full year yet.” I stared down at the table, embarrassed at the words coming out of my mouth.
“Oh.” She nodded. “I didn’t know that was the magic number.”
My head lifted. “Huh?”
“One year. Three hundred sixty-five days. I didn’t know that was the official ‘you can’t fall in love with anyone else’ waiting period after your spouse dies,” she said sarcastically, making air quotes with her fingers. “Give me a break. There is no time frame. There are no rules. And people who tell you otherwise can go fuck themselves. You’ve known Viper for years. Had you met some random dude in a bar the week after the funeral, I might have thought you were a little nutty, but that’s not what this is at all.”
Taylor’s words made me want to break down all over again. Knowing that she didn’t judge me or think less of me meant more to me than anything else.
“I love your brother.” I sniffled and corrected myself. “I loved your brother.”
“I know you do. I know you did.” Her eyebrows lifted as she smiled and nodded. She laid her head on my shoulder. “And he loved you.”
“None of this matters anyway.” I threw my napkin down on the table and sighed. “Nothing is going to happen with me and Viper anyway. This whole conversation is pointless.”
“Wait,”—she straightened up and looked at me—“why isn’t it gonna happen?”
“We got into a fight a couple weeks ago and I told him to leave.”
“Awww.” She stuck out her bottom lip. “And he hasn’t called since?”
“Called? No. But he’s never called. That wasn’t our thing. He texts me every morning to see how I am and if I need anything. He’s been doing that for months and months now.”
“And he’s still done this since your fight?” Her voice raised in surprise.
I nodded.
“Can I ask what you fought about?”
I felt the back of my neck tingle as my face grew hot. “My neighbor got married and he went with me to the wedding. I stayed out late with a couple girlfriends I hadn’t seen in years while he went home to relieve the sitter. Anyway, I had a couple drinks with the girls, just enough for a little liquid courage. I went home and made a move, the move I knew he was too scared to make and would never have made on his own. He thought I was drunk and turned me down.”
“But you weren’t drunk?” she asked.
“Nope.” I shook my head. “I remember every horrible second of that fight.”
“Why did he turn you down, though? What was his reasoning?”
“Mike. He felt like we were betraying him.”
“You’re right. I’m not the idiot, you are.” She shook her head. “I’ve known Viper for years too, and he doesn’t see the same girl twice in a lifetime, let alone hang out with one night after night after night with no sex. He’s clearly crazy about you, and you are obviously just as crazy about him, but you two won’t be together because you’re both scared of the exact same thing—that my brother, who has passed, would be mad at you? Am I getting all that right?”
My eyes darted around the coffee shop. Coming out of Taylor’s mouth, it did sound silly. “Pretty much.”
“You’re both morons,” she said sternly. “You guys have to get over this guilt thing that’s standing between you. Life is short, Michelle. You more than anyone should know that at this point. Don’t let any more time slip away. He’s a little wild, but from what Mike’s said, he’s a good man. You and the kids deserve a good man.”
My heart soared at her words.
“Plus, he’s willing to put up with your shitty cooking, and any man that would do that gets the seal of approval in my book.” She winked at me.