“MICHELLE?”
I was sound asleep and nearly jumped out of my skin when a nurse came into the waiting room and called Michelle’s name. We’d dimmed the lights a few hours before to try and get some shut-eye, but the catnaps were few and far between until this last one, when I finally crashed. I blinked quickly to try and force the room into focus just as Michelle hopped up and walked toward the nurse. They disappeared around the corner as I sat up. Brody heard me and cracked his eyes open too.
“What’s going on?” he whispered loudly, trying not to wake Kacie, who was still sleeping against his shoulder.
“I don’t know.” I rubbed my eyes with the heels of my hands. “The nurse just came in and called Michelle out. Hopefully Mike woke up and asked for her or something.”
The words were barely out of my mouth when Michelle reappeared in the doorway, teary eyed. “What’s going on?” Brody asked, no longer worried about whispering. Kacie jolted awake, blinked once or twice, and was instantly alert.
“I just talked to Dr. Reese.” She sniffed. “Apparently Mike’s had a stroke.” Her voice gave out and she trailed off.
Kacie gasped and rushed over, pulling her in for a hug as Brody and I sat, stunned.
“What does this mean?” Brody asked.
“They’re doing an EEG in a little bit to check his brain function and then they’ll know more,” she mumbled through sobs into Kacie’s shoulder.
My stomach dropped for the hundredth time in the last twenty hours.
Brain function? Holy shit.
Brody went over and sat on the other side of Michelle, gently resting his hand on her leg. “Has he woken up at all?” he asked.
Michelle never lifted her head to answer him, but Kacie looked at him with sad eyes, pressed her lips together, and shook her head slightly. “No, he’s been out since yesterday at the rink.”
Brody leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees as he stared down at the ground. With each passing second, the room got smaller and smaller around me, and I suddenly needed to get out. I’d never been claustrophobic, but at that moment, I felt like I couldn’t breathe in there.
“I’ll… be back,” I stammered as I wobbled to the doorway. Once in the hallway, I started jogging, desperately looking for an exit. Any exit.
I took two lefts, one right, and an elevator down to the main floor and I was finally outside. I thought for sure once I was out of that room and outside I would feel better, but I was wrong. No amount of sunshine and fresh air could take away the dread that had permanently planted itself in the pit of my stomach. I walked up and down the sidewalk with my fingers linked on the top of my head, trying to make sense of what was going on, but I couldn’t.
“Viper!”
I turned when I heard my name to see Taylor, Big Mike’s little sister, hurrying toward me with tears streaming down her face. She threw herself into my chest and started sobbing. I wrapped my arms around her and let her cry for several minutes. Once her shoulders stopped shaking and she was done, she pulled back and wiped her eyes with the sleeve of her shirt.
“Sorry, I don’t know what came over me.” She looked up at me and tried to smile. “I just saw you and all of a sudden, I lost it.”
“It’s okay. I’ve almost lost it myself a bunch of times.”
“How is he? Is he awake yet?” Her eyes begged me for good news, any little sliver of hope to hold on to.
I couldn’t bring myself to tell her what Dr. Reese had told Michelle, so I just shook my head. “Not yet.”
“Can you take me up there? I have no idea where I’m going.”
“Sure, follow me.” I turned and headed back into the last building in the world I wanted to be in, not because I didn’t want to be there for Mike and Michelle, but because I wanted to go back in time and undo what had been done… by me.
We took the elevator up to the third floor, made one left, two rights, and we were back to the waiting room. Michelle and Kacie were still sitting close together on the couch holding hands, and Brody was pacing on the phone. Once Michelle and Taylor saw each other, they both started hugging and crying again.
“I can’t believe you came.” Michelle sniffled as she pulled back and cupped Taylor’s face in her hands. “You must’ve driven all night.”
“Are you kidding? Of course I would be here.” Taylor’s breath hitched. “He’s my only brother.” When those words left her mouth, Michelle’s face twisted and she bit her lip to keep from breaking down all over again. “Is he awake yet?” Taylor asked.
Michelle shook her head. “No, and unfortunately, he had a stroke this morning.”
Taylor’s hand flew up over her mouth as she gasped.
“But,” Michelle added quickly, “the nurse came in right after Viper went downstairs and said that while he’s nowhere near out of the woods, they’ve stabilized him for now, so we can go in one at a time to talk to him.”
Michelle turned away from Taylor and looked at the rest of us. “Is it okay if I go in first?”
“Of course,” Kacie answered immediately. “We wouldn’t have it any other way.”
“Thanks,” she muttered quietly. “I’ll be back soon.”
As soon as Michelle was out of the room, Taylor let out a huge sigh and plopped down onto the couch next to Kacie. “This is unreal.” She shook her head, staring incredulously at the coffee table.
Kacie nodded. “It is.”
“Wait,” Taylor looked around the room quickly, “Where are the kids?”
“Michelle said they’re with her neighbor Jodi.” Kacie responded.
“Oh, okay. So…” Taylor asked slowly, “what exactly happened? Michelle called, but we didn’t really get into it over the phone. She just said there’d been an accident at practice.”
I knew right then that I would hear that question over and over for the very near future, and every time someone asked what’d happened, I felt worse than the time before.
“Um…” Brody paused. He was choosing his words carefully. “We’d just finished our workout and he was playing a game one on one. He got checked and slid into the wall really hard.”
She scrunched her eyebrows together and curled her top lip, clearly not liking what she’d just heard. “Who checked him?” she asked.
“Me,” I spoke before Brody had a chance to. “It was me, Taylor.”
Her eyes flashed over to mine for a quick second before she threw her hands up in the air. “Oh, thank God. I was worried it was done on purpose, like someone was out to hurt him.” She turned back to me. “I’m sorry, Viper. This must be really hard on you too.”
“Huh?” I was confused.
“This whole thing”—she waved her arm around the room—“must be hard for you too. I mean, clearly you didn’t mean to do it, so this must suck for you especially. I’m so sorry.”
She sounded as genuine as I’d ever heard another person sound, offering up her apology to me, the person who’d put us all in this situation. I was stunned. I didn’t know how to answer that. I quickly glanced up at Kacie, who appeared to be reading my mind and was giving me a sympathetic I-told-you-so smile.
“I should be the one apologizing, Taylor,” I finally said.
She shrugged. “I mean, if that makes you feel better, fine, but I don’t think anyone here blames you.” She looked at Brody and Kacie and then back at me. “I certainly don’t.”
“I appreciate it, but I still feel like a giant dick.” I took a deep breath. “I wish I could go back in time and do it all over again.”
“Well of course you do,” she said matter-of-factly. “That’s life. When something bad happens, we always wish we had a do over, but that’s not how life works unfortunately. Shit happens and we have to react to it. Good shit, bad shit… it all happens, but I doubt anyone that has ever been around the two of you together thinks for one-half a second that you did this on purpose. You love him like a brother; we all know that.”
Do. Not. Cry.
Clearing my throat, I looked down at the tile beneath my feet and nodded slowly. I was searching my brain for what to say next when Michelle somberly walked back into the room. We all stared, waiting for her to say something, anything.
Her eyes were red and swollen as she hugged herself tightly and sat on the couch next to Taylor.
“Honey,” Taylor asked slowly, “are you okay?”
Michelle didn’t say anything; she simply shrugged. “He looks awful. He has a bandage around his head, and he’s hooked up to all these machines that are breathing for him. He doesn’t look like my Mike anymore.”
Without saying anything this time, I got up and left the room quietly. I needed the break I didn’t get last time when I’d run into Taylor.
Two lefts, one right, and the elevator.
I found a bench right outside the door at the very moment my legs decided to give out. Who knew a hard-ass concrete bench could be so comforting? I ran my hands through my hair and rested my elbows on my knees, staring at the concrete slab below me. An ant slowly walked up to my foot and stopped. I wondered what it was like to be an ant. Did they have friends and families? Did they accidentally hurt each other? Did they feel guilt? I’d fought like hell my whole life to keep my feelings in check and never let people see them, but the last two days were testing that more than any other time in my life. I didn’t know how much longer I could keep it together.
Praying was something we never did in my house growing up, but at that moment I felt the overwhelming urge to talk out loud to… someone.
Looking around to make sure I was alone, I took a deep breath and puffed my cheeks out, exhaling slowly.
I glanced up at the sky for just a second, quickly deciding I probably looked like a moron and that whoever I was going to talk to would probably hear me no matter where I was looking.
“Hey, whoever’s up there. My name is Lawrence Finkle, but you probably know me as Viper. Anyway—” I cleared my throat, suddenly feeling very stupid that I was talking to myself, but so desperate I was willing to do anything. “—we’ve never had what I would call an active relationship, but right now I’m feeling pretty alone down here. I’ve fucked up a lot in my life, as you probably know, but I’ve always been able to talk myself out of any trouble I got into. Well, I’ve finally done something I can’t fix. It was an accident, but I still can’t fix it, and I could really use it at the moment. I don’t really know how this works, but I’m willing to bargain. I’ll do anything—go to church, donate time and money, stop fucking strangers. I mean it, anything. Just please… save my best friend. He’s a good man with a wife and kids who need him. If you need to take someone, take me. No one gives a shit whether I’m here or not.” My eyes started to feel hot and sting as I took another shaky breath.
“Mr. Finkle?”
Startled at the sound of my name, I stood and turned as a camera flashed in my eyes. Squinting and holding my hand up, I tried to block out another flash. “What the fuck?” I growled.
“Hi, Mr. Finkle. I’m Warren Sanders with the Star Tribune here in Minneapolis.” He held his hand out for me to shake. I glared down at it and then back up at him without saying a word. He quickly pulled his hand back and continued, “We heard about what happened yesterday with Mike Asher, and we were just wondering if we could ask you a few questions. Like, maybe what exactly happened? What’s his current condition? Anything you’re willing to give us.” He held a microphone in my face as the cameraman lifted a different camera onto his shoulder to film me.
Rage shot through me like a bullet shoots out of a gun.
“You want anything I’m willing to give you?” I asked coldly. “Well, I’m going to give you ten seconds to get that motherfucking camera out of my face before I shove that mic up your ass.”
“Uh…” he stammered. “We won’t keep you for long. We just want a quick statement.”
Without hesitation, I took three steps and grabbed the camera from the guy behind him, lifted it above my head, and smashed it on the concrete. They both jumped back, their mouths hanging open as they stared at the ground.
“There!” I pointed to the shattered camera as I walked away. “There’s your fucking statement.”