“Why is there an in-office shower?” I asked as we entered the pitch-black bathroom. “Isn’t that a little . . . uh . . . extra?”
“Yup, but it was already installed, and all the little yuppies and hipsters use it for when they work out during their lunch break. I don’t understand their devotion to physical activity that doesn’t end in ejaculation.”
I tripped over God knew what and clutched Jace’s hand tighter. For someone who was jumpy about the dark, he could see in the shadowed room like a cat. He opened the narrow glass stall and turned on the shower with minimal fumbling, before sliding into the space.
“Get in, but fair warning—the water is cold.”
“I can take it.”
I kicked off my shorts and got inside, wary of slipping and breaking my neck. Not only did I not want to die in the middle of a citywide blackout, but I didn’t want my mother to find out that I’d weirdly died naked in a shower in a fancy office building in Manhattan. She’d have so much trouble explaining to my nosy-ass extended family. She’d already made the sign of the cross like twenty times after I’d started hinting that I might be a little queer my damn self.
Then she’d complained that I hadn’t snagged Raymond first.
“Sooo,” I drawled, leaning against the wall as Jace squeezed a bottle and started soaping me up with his hands. The water was cold, but it felt good on my sticky, overheated body. “Aiden seemed pretty upset.”
“Yeah.”
“Was he friends with that guy or something? I mean, he took it really personally, and I’m surprised he’s so shocked. Then again, I pretty much expect most well-to-do corporate types to end up as douchebags.”
“Me too,” Jace admitted. “But I think the real issue is that Aiden never wanted to hire Travis because he got a bad vibe from him, and Caleb was sort of oblivious and did it anyway. Now he’s probably super butt-hurt and wanting to rant at his brother. Hashtag sibling rivalry.”
“Oh.” If I wasn’t as nosy as my nosy-ass family, I could have left it at that. But I was. And the idea of Aiden blaming Caleb for this mess bothered me, especially since it would lead to Caleb being indignant and wounded, and then Aiden feeling guilty that he’d hurt his brother. “We should probably calm his big red ass down before he goes off on Caleb. He’ll just feel bad if he starts an argument over something that isn’t anyone’s fault but the asshole IT boy’s.”
“Mmm.” Jace draped his arms around my neck and pressed me against the tiles. The water beat down on us, surprisingly strong. “I love how well you know him. You’re so good.”
“Yeah, I’m basically a god.”
“You are to me. My god.” Jace kissed me, slow and gentle with just a hint of tongue. “I’m so happy when you’re with us, Chris. For the past two months, I sat around and wondered why you ran away, but now it’s perfect again.”
My heartbeat sped up and my breath quickened. I clamped my hands on his shoulders, staring at him in the darkness, and tried to find something to say. Something to think. A way to respond to this onslaught of brutal honesty that only Jace was capable of. His rawness and inability to filter anything that came to his head.
“What . . . do you mean when you say that?” Cringing at my own vagueness, I girded my loins and tried again. “Do you mean it’s perfect because we have amazing sex, or it’s perfect because you like being with me as a person?”
Jace snorted. “What do you think?”
“Jace . . .” He kissed me again, deeper this time, and my dick twitched. I gripped him tighter. “Jace, I’m serious.”
“Mmm?” His voice was muffled from the way he was mouthing down my throat and sucking on the base. His hands were everywhere, slippery and soapy and gliding over the body I so often tried to sculpt to match Angel’s and Raymond’s before giving up and drinking a beer. “You can’t tell I like you as a person? C’mon.”
Okay, still too vague. I sucked in a deep breath. “Look, I’m trying to figure out what we all are to each other. I’m the type of person who . . . who gets in deep when I’m into someone. And I’m into you and Aiden.” I pressed on when Jace stopped kissing me to peer up at me in the darkness. “It scares the fuck out of me, because I’m used to getting my feelings hurt and feeling like shit when I’m into someone.”
“Chris.” Jace laughed softly. “You can’t tell we’re into you?”
“Yeah, sexually. I know you wanna fuck me. We never really got around to talking about anything else, so I don’t know if all these feelings I have are one-sided.” There was another long silence, and I rushed to fill it. “Sometimes I could swear you look at me like you adore me the way I adore you. And sometimes Aiden gets all rammy and territorial like he can’t stand the idea of me fucking another dude, but . . . then y’all casually drop some comment about all the other people you’re hooking up with, and I get confused.”
In the shadows, I could see Jace nodding slowly. He sighed and pressed his back against the tiled wall. “Babe, we do adore you. Your sense of humor, your intelligence, how well you fit with us. All of it. And I thought you knew, but I guess I’m so used to Aiden knowing what I’m thinking that I forget you’re not there yet.”
Yet. He said it as though they were planning a future for us all together. The relief at his words, that the cues I’d thought I’d picked up on weren’t just in my mind, was amazing. But still . . .
“Can I ask you another question?”
“Of course. Anything.”
“How come you two aren’t monogamous? Like, why poly? Why open?”
Jace went back to squeezing soap into his hand. This time, he washed himself instead of me. “Why do you like threesomes so much?”
“I dunno. It’s just how it’s always been. The best sex I’ve had has been with two other people at the same time.”
“Insatiable,” Jace said, his voice low but teasing. “Was it just a sex thing with Ray and Steph?”
Had it just been? An extra-dirty way to get off? Something pornographic to fuel my fantasies? Nah. I shook my head.
“No. I mean, I enjoyed being wanted by them both. And . . . all right, don’t tell anyone, but I always suspected Raymond wasn’t straight.” Admitting it made me feel guilty, because I’d never even told Ray. There was something weird about knowing someone’s secret when they didn’t want you to. “It all started with him and Steph messing around while I was in the room playing video games or whatever, because they gave zero fucks. Then . . . she invited me to play, and I acted cool and jacked it voyeur-style while he stared at my dick.”
Jace remained quiet, and I pictured his face. Eyes wide and rapt with intrigue, his big imagination putting it all together like a GIF from his filthy Tumblr account, or one of the ménage erotic romance novels he loved to read. I kissed his forehead and continued.
“When I finally got the courage to join in, he’d encourage me and Steph to do specific things while he watched, and sometimes I knew he wanted to touch me. I was shocked as hell because he was like . . . everything to everyone. The dude everyone wanted. And I was the dude everyone usually ignored.” A low chuckle escaped me. “Sometimes I made sure we got a little contact even though it wasn’t much, but like I said—it mostly just turned me on that he and Steph wanted me at all. It turned me on that Steph wanted us both. And . . .” I raked a hand through my wet hair and grabbed the soap for myself. “And I loved being so close to my best friends.”
“And with me and Aiden?”
I watched him work his fingers through his hair in the shadows, mindlessly washing himself and then standing under the spray as he shifted around carefully on the tile.
“I don’t know how to describe how it feels to be with you and Aiden. It’s just incredible. But you’re changing the subject, pendejo. Don’t try to escape. Why are y’all into this? What does it do for you?”
Jace released a long-suffering sigh. “I hate this question because no one ever likes the answer. They judge us for honesty and being self-aware.”
“Tell me anyway. You always avoid it when I ask.”
“Because I hate trying to explain,” he said grumpily. “I’ve been in love with Aiden since I was a teenager. Since my father abandoned me, and his mother went to rehab and pretty much left us alone to fend for ourselves while she found a better life for herself elsewhere. We started fucking at seventeen, and we vowed to protect each other. To look out for each other. We were each other’s everything, and that kind of love is . . . unbreakable. Nothing that would ever fade.” Jace raised his arms and let the water hit against his skin, likely rinsing the soap off. “That kind of love isn’t defined by boundaries, so we have no boundaries with each other. Our closeness was never built on this idea of monogamy or one of us belonging to the other. We’ve explored our sexualities together since we were kids and keep doing so now. We’re open about everything, including things we want to try with each other and others, and we know no one else would ever steal our hearts so there’s no threat in being poly and open.”
“So that’s all it’s about? Exploring?”
“Yeah, that’s why we go to Liberty. It’s like an adventure. Some people make the most out of their lives by having adventures with travel, and people like us make the most by having adventures with our bodies and understanding our own desires inside and out.”
“So, is that—” I wished I could see his face, but I had nothing to go on but his low intense voice. “So, am I an adventure?”
Jace went still, and I instantly hated myself. I hated my insecurity. The same insecurity that bubbled up whenever I started seeing someone new, and I introduced them to my friends for the first time. Wondering when their eyes would skate along Ray or Angel, wondering why they’d wound up with the short, funny one instead of a sexy one. And now, I had two beautiful men interested in me, and my stupid brain kept telling me it had to be for a reason. It couldn’t just be me.
It was never just me. It was because I was nice or helpful. Available. Fun.
And now he knew that I felt that way.
“If you mean adventure as in you’re someone we see only for fun, to experience something new together as a couple . . . then no. Abso-fucking-lutely not.” Jace touched my arm, his wet fingers sliding along my skin. “But if you mean . . . if we’re looking at a new stage in our relationship after twenty years of it being us plus casual encounters? Then yes. We’ve never even considered having a permanent third except for you.”
Permanent.
I had to put a hand against the tiled wall to steady myself. It wasn’t what I’d expected. Not by a long shot. I’d fantasized about this conversation, of them saying something similar—that being with me alone was just as exciting as being with others, but doubt hollowed out my briefly full heart.
“Do you really want me to be permanent?”
“Yes.” Jace paused briefly, then said, “If you won’t get freaked out and ghost on us anymore.”
“I ghosted on you because I had no idea you felt that way, and I was too chickenshit to ask. And . . .” Go for it, Mendez. Spill it all. “And because you’re open.”
“And?” A defensive edge crept into Jace’s voice. “You always knew we were open.”
“Right, that’s why I kept ghosting on you. I thought I was just one of several people who drifted in and out of your lives.” Jace grew silent next to me and dropped his hand. I hurriedly added, “Can you blame me for thinking that, though?”
“Yes,” he said flatly. “I think it’s pretty stupid, actually.”
My head jerked back. “How? Seems like common sense to me. You guys have this amazing lifestyle. You have adventures like you just said. I’m just the dude you picked up at the QFindr shoot. Someone to dial up for a booty call or hook up with at a party.”
“Chris, what the fuck are you talking about?” Jace’s voice was getting sharper and louder. “I just told you we both want you. You’re the one who—” I started to interrupt him and he got louder. “I’m serious, Chris. You’re the one who ghosts on us after a night or a weekend, and we have to beg you to come see us again. The only reason we’re here now is because there was a fucking blackout. If anything,” he went on, his low, deep voice in a full-on rant, “we are a temporary adventure for you.”
The water shut off with a loud squeak of the faucet, and Jace got out with two stomps of his wet feet. He was moving fast, but as soon as I tried to follow, I nearly slipped and had to cling to the shower door to narrowly avoid death.
“Ay Dios . . . Carajo,” I grumbled, staggering after him. “Jace, calm down. Why are you getting so pissed off at me?”
He tossed a towel at me, then stepped into the moonlit-streaked hallway to dry off. His lovely face was creased in a scowl, but those glittering eyes didn’t scare me. I just wanted to understand why he was angry. And I wanted to make it better.
“Because you’re an idiot.”
“How?” I asked patiently. “Can you blame me for not knowing where we stand?”
“Yes, I can blame you,” he hollered. “You didn’t just say you didn’t know where we stood. You thought we were just using you for sex and stringing you along. Right?” When I hesitated, his lip lifted in an actual snarl. “And you know what, maybe I can get over that since clearly it’s some epic communication breakdown, but now apparently us being open is a deal breaker.”
I flinched. “Jace, try to understand where I’m coming from . . . please.”
“I am, and I see you being closed-minded. You deciding this whole thing won’t work out because we’re open and poly.”
“What whole thing?” I demanded incredulously. “Babe, I only just found out my feelings are reciprocated. We haven’t even started to talk about anything else.”
“We’re talking about it now.” Jace glared at me fiercely. “We want you to be more than a casual encounter. We want you with us regularly. All the time.”
“And I’m saying that’s everything I’ve been wanting to hear, but . . .” My voice was close to cracking. Holy fuck, was this frustrating. We were so close. Right on the cusp. And it was already going wrong. “I just can’t with the open thing, J. I can’t.”
Jace balled his hands into fists, naked and unashamed and absolutely fucking glorious in all his fury. “Chris, when we’re all together . . . it’s like the way me and Aiden are with each other. You fit. Perfectly. And you love that you fit. Because you love us. I know it’s not what you planned on in your life, and I know it’s not typical, but it’s not like we planted the poly seed in your head, booboo. You were poly already.”
“Yeah, okay, I give you that, but there’s one problem,” I said, sharpening my tone the more he pushed. “It’s not just us three. It’s not about being poly. It’s about everyone else in your lives. A week after you see me, you’re with other people.”
“Because that’s how we’ve always been,” he said, voice rising louder. “I would die for Aiden, and he would die for me, and us fooling around with other people doesn’t change that. So how the hell would it change us falling in love with and being happy with you?”
“It won’t change anything for you, but the idea makes me crazy,” I growled. “Gangbangs at Liberty X. Make outs with Clive—your fucking lawyer. Free love and everyone sharing each other, which is great for you, but I don’t roll that way.”
The lack of response from Jace was damning. The only sound in the room was the drip of water from the faucet, and the very distant honking of horns downstairs and outside. The worst part was that I couldn’t clearly see his expression. And when I reached out to touch him, he backed away.
“I get it.”
“Jace—”
“It’s fine.”
He moved out of the beam of light and hurried away, his footsteps slapping against the tile floor before being muffled by the carpet in the hall. I started forward and slipped again, flailing wildly to keep from falling.
“Puñeta,” I snarled, stumbling. “Word to my mother, I’m gonna die in a fucking office building tonight.”
I snagged my basketball shorts and managed to get out of the bathroom in the dark, squinting so I could find my wayward lover. There were doors upon doors along the corridor leading to the main office space where the moon clearly illuminated everything. There was no sign of Jace, but I spotted Aiden hunched over something by one of the long couches. He was still wearing his underwear and nothing else.
“Hey,” I said, walking closer. “Where’d Jace go?”
Aiden glanced up at me from where he’d been fiddling with the antenna to a radio. White noise emitted from the speakers, so he must have found batteries somewhere. “I thought he was with you.”
“Yeah, he was but—” I rubbed the back of my wet hair, sighing “—I think I pissed him off.”
Aiden looked so astonished that I snorted out a laugh.
“Usually that’s my job,” he said. “You’re the one who kisses it better after I slink off to avoid an argument.”
“Yeah, I know, but that was before we fucking—” I waved my hand vaguely, not wanting to rehash the conversation but seeing no way to avoid it. “Look, he told me you both wanted me to be in your relationship.”
“Good.” Aiden stood up, looming over me in all his linebacker glory. “We do. We talked about it back in the winter.”
I stared at him incredulously. “Then why didn’t you tell me?”
“At first we weren’t sure if you were interested, and we didn’t want to pressure you. But we discussed wanting you to be with us in a . . .” He crossed his arms over his chest, watching me closely. “Triad? Throuple? Whatever word you wanna use. We talked about it.”
My heart started beating faster again, turning to a hummingbird in my chest as another one started flapping its wings in my stomach. “Bro. You’ve never told me about any such convo.”
“Because you didn’t seem ready to talk about it.” Aiden frowned. “What, you’re surprised? C’mon. I thought it was obvious how thirsty we are for you. We’ve never been like this with anyone else before.”
“How should I know how you are with other people?” I demanded. “And why me, then?”
The same impatience that had been evident in Jace’s voice crossed Aiden’s face. “You know, we talked about this insecure shit before. I know where it comes from, but I thought you were over it. I thought you knew what you had to offer. That you’re a fuckin’ prize. Anyone would be lucky to have you, baby. I’d get on my knees and beg for you to join us if I thought it’d make a difference.”
“I—” Blood rushed to my face, warming me. His tough-guy accent did nothing to change how he was melting my insides. Turning me all gushy and soft, making me want to hug him close. Kiss his big stupid face. Tell him I loved him too. Loved them both. “It’s not just me being insecure. I just— Look, you have this whole life, you know? This lifestyle. And I don’t know how I fit. I don’t know what I bring to the table.”
Aiden looked at me sideways. “Really? Because that sounds like more insecure bullshit. You bring yourself to the table. Your sense of humor, your affection, your intelligence. The way you know exactly what we need without having to ask. How you prop Jace up when he’s down, and know exactly when I’m stressed and overwhelmed and shutting down. When you’re with us—”
“Aiden, stop.”
“No, you stop,” he thundered, slamming his fist against his own chest. “Do you know what it took me and Jace to admit to each other that we both had feelings for someone else? Almost twenty years together, Christopher. And we’ve fucked a lot of other people, but always with the understanding that our hearts only belonged to each other. We were scared to admit we were both starting to fall for you, but we did. And we talked about it, and we talked about how much we wished you felt the same.” Aiden’s voice dropped lower. “Because even though Jace and I have always been a near-perfect fit, we love each other enough to be able to admit that there’s always been parts that are missing on both our ends because we’re too much alike in the worst ways.” Aiden gestured with a rough hand. “And you’ve been what’s missing, baby. You weld all our pieces together. When you’re with us, or just texting us, your presence in our lives makes everything . . . better.”
He was breathless by the time he finished, and his eyes had gone bloodshot. He squeezed those big fists again. But I didn’t know what to say. I felt the exact same way, except for one key thing . . .
“Look,” I said, my voice thicker. Which meant tears. God, this fucker had me wanting to cry. Why did I have to be the sensitive one in every situation? “You’re right. Okay? I am insecure. But my insecurity isn’t making me doubt every word you said, because I believe it. I can feel it when we’re together, but I thought maybe it was my imagination. Now I know it’s not. But my insecurity will not let me be in a relationship, a triad or a throuple or whatever, where you all go out on a Saturday night and fuck other people. I’m sorry, but no. I can’t.”
Aiden moved closer to me, but he didn’t touch me. “How do you know you can’t? You could try.”
“Aiden . . .”
“Or what if . . .” He hesitated, obviously unsure, and looked around the office. “I mean maybe we could . . .”
I sensed him starting to make a promise he probably couldn’t keep. Something he hadn’t yet discussed with Jace. Some shit that would make me feel hope only to have it potentially ripped away later.
“Look, we need to put this on hold. I know what you’re about to say, and you should probably talk to your husband before you say it.” Every time we referenced Jace, I found myself looking for him, but if I knew anything, it was that he was good at hiding. “What I’m saying is, don’t say you’re gonna up and change your relationship just for me unless it’s a real promise.”
“There’s no just about it,” Aiden said sharply. “We can talk about it.”
“Aiden, please, stop,” I begged. “For now. Please. You talking Jace into something he doesn’t want to do is a one-way ticket towards y’all resenting me down the road. I’d rather keep things the way they are now.”
“How’s that? Fucking and then you going home? Us seeing each other every blue moon?”
“If it has to be that way.” Even saying it hurt. It burned.
“If that’s what you want,” he said quietly.
“What I want doesn’t matter because what I want might not be possible, and I always knew that, which is why I tried to keep my distance. But this is easier than . . . than people making decisions in the heat of a moment and regretting it later.” I wiped a hand across my face, hating the way my eyes had gone damp. “Look, I’m gonna try to catch some sleep. Maybe the power will be on in the morning.”
Aiden nodded, looking down at the radio again. “I pulled out the sofa in my office. And don’t argue, please? Sleep there. Please.”
I knew it would kill him if I didn’t, so I nodded and headed to his office. I wanted to tell myself he’d been unaffected by the conversation, that I hadn’t just hurt him the way I’d hurt Jace, but I could feel his eyes on my back as I walked away.