I’d thought the building was muggy, but stepping outside was like jumping into a furnace. It was barely nine in the morning, and it had to already be nearly ninety and humid as hell.
Sweat slicked my back by the time I made it to the corner, and even having showered, I felt grimy in my basketball shorts and T-shirt. I’d sweat through them multiple times already, not to mention all the grinding and humping I’d done while wearing them. I told myself that I’d left the office to search for any potential open stores and not because I needed space.
I kept telling myself that lie even after it became obvious that very few stores were open. There was an ice cream shop on the corner handing out cones for free, and a couple of other restaurants trying to cook and sell food at an extremely discounted rate before the produce went bad, but everything else was locked down. Despite that, the streets were anything but a ghost town.
Folks were sleeping slumped against buildings, curled up on benches, and stretched out on the sidewalks and using newspapers to protect them from the sizzling concrete. It was like déjà vu back to 2003, but that blackout had lasted for days. I prayed this one didn’t.
I powered my phone back on after walking two blocks with no sign of a cheap clothing store, and called Raymond. It went to voice mail, but he immediately called me back.
“Where you at?”
Raymond’s voice put me at ease. He sounded relaxed, like he’d just fucked the hell out of David and was lazing in bed while smoking a bowl. No crisis. No tension. Just my boy drawling in my ear and demanding to know why I wasn’t there kicking it with him. Where he thought I belonged. Not with Aiden and Jace.
“Stuck in Manhattan,” I said, sidestepping a couple to try to cop some shade under a store awning. “Is David home with you?”
“Yep. Raising hell about being hot, and lying around half-naked with Stephanie.”
“Sounds like a party. Where’s Angel?”
“Helping out his mom. T-Bone is coming over soon,” Raymond said, speaking of Tonya. “Why the hell are you in Manhattan?”
This would be where the conversation got interesting. I usually avoided talking about the Fairbairns with my best friend, but . . . right now I wanted to steer it in that direction.
“I’m at QFindr.”
“Why the hell are you there?”
“I decided to take Caleb up on that offer to work on their servers, but the power went out before I could even get started.”
Raymond exhaled slowly, and I knew he was hitting the bowl. Envy seeped into my bones. It would be so much easier to cope if I had a little buzz going.
“Why didn’t you go to his apartment?” Raymond asked after a beat. “I’m confused.”
“He bounced before the power went out, so I’m stuck here with Jace and Aiden, who also live in Queens. So . . . yeah.” He didn’t speak at first, and I had to give him props for censoring himself. “Look, can we have real talk for a minute? I need advice.”
“If it’s about them fucking around with you, you know what I’m gonna say.”
I groaned in exasperation. “All right, but can you get your head out of your ass for a minute so we can really talk, though?” At the sound of his sigh, I sucked my teeth. “Come on, Ray. They’ve never given you reason to distrust them except be rich.”
“I don’t like that Meredith girl either,” he pointed out. “It’s not just them.”
“Yeah, I know that, but it’s the same story. You don’t trust rich—”
“I don’t trust a bunch of people who are suddenly interested in diversifying their sex lives with our squad,” Raymond said flatly. “I know I’m making a snap judgment, but all I have to go on is that some rich sexed-up motherfuckers got stars in their eyes after the QFindr photoshoot and all of a sudden decided to start fiending for the crew from South Jamaica. If there’s more to it than that, it’s not like you’ve bothered to share the details to change my mind.”
He had me there. As soon as he’d gone into overprotective mode, I’d shut down and given zero details. But that had been when I’d thought it was better to avoid the entire situation. When I’d thought I was capable of avoiding the entire situation.
“It’s not just a sex thing,” I said, lowering my voice and glancing around. It wasn’t the best area for the conversation. Even early in the morning, it was loud and there were a ton of people starting to stir and wander around looking for answers. I walked back to the building, prompted to give up on my quest by the heat and the influx of humanity. “Look—there’s more to it, all right. You know more than anyone else that I’ve never had, like, a David of my own. Or even how Angel has been in love with Stephanie forever and knows she’s, like, the one he wants. I’ve never had that with anyone.”
A clicking sound emanated from Raymond’s end of the line, and I pictured him flicking his lighter or tapping nervously. Wondering where I was going with this.
“Do you just want me to talk to David?” I demanded. “Am I inconveniencing your life?”
“No,” he snapped. “I’m just worried, man. I don’t want you to get hurt.”
My irritation immediately crumbled beneath the soles of my flip-flops. If Aiden went papa bear, Raymond turned into a growly pack alpha when he sensed danger.
“They’re not using me, if that’s what you really think. There’s stuff I worry about, but that’s not one of them. One hundred percent guaranteed—those two men actually fucking care about me. They want me to be in their relationship.”
“How do you know?”
“How did you know David was in love with you before he admitted it?” I asked. “You could just tell, right? Well I can tell with them, and that was before they told me. Which they did. Last night. I know you don’t really get the poly thing—”
“Chris, it’s not even about that.” Raymond cleared his throat and there was a creak, like bed springs or a chair. “Look, I’m not some narrow-minded asshole who freaks out about people with different types of relationships. I’m a fucking bi asshole who’s worried that my best friend who has never dated anyone for longer than a couple of months—”
“Come on, man,” I said. “I’ve been with people longer than that.”
“No, you have not.” Raymond snorted. “It’s always some bullshit where you start seeing someone, and then you think they don’t like you because you overthink everything and tell yourself it’s not gonna work or they’re into someone else, so you let them go on their way to save everyone the trouble of drama. Right?”
I didn’t answer as I strode to the building. Relief flooded me as the stuffy air of the office building surrounded me. I made eye contact with the doorman, who looked absolutely miserable. He nodded at me, and I paused with my hand still clutching the phone.
“Hey, man, you been up all night?” I asked, taking in the doorman’s sweaty shirt and dark-circled eyes. He was probably in his early fifties, built solid like my own dad, but I could tell he was in need of sleep.
“What the fuck are you—” Raymond’s voice asked in my ear.
“Not you, pendejo,” I snapped. “Pérate.” He grumbled something on the other end, but I kept waiting for the doorman to reply.
“All night,” he confirmed, wiping a hand over his face. “I’m starving, but I don’t want to leave just in case someone needs something. Or an emergency happens, I don’t know.” He waved his hand, looking harassed but determined. My heart went out to the dude. Very few people cared enough about anyone else to be the last man standing during a goddamn citywide blackout, but maybe his job was at stake if he didn’t.
Either way, I had his back.
“I’ll bring you water and some snacks,” I said. “Also, me and the guys can take turns hanging out down here so you can shower and get some sleep. QFindr has a full shower.”
The doorman—Kevin according to his name tag—looked so relieved that he sagged against his post. “Christ, I would love you if you did that, son. That would be incredible.”
“No sweat, my guy. I’ll be back in a few.”
I took off for the stairs, huffing and puffing after the third flight.
“Did you really just interrupt our conversation to be a do-gooder?” Raymond asked incredulously. “Like, I was peaceful here smoking my shit, finally tuning out David’s bitching, and you interrupted me.”
“Because I need your advice, asshole.” I swung out my hand to grab the railing, trying to move fast in the darkness but still managing to stumble every few steps, and explained everything that had happened in the past day. When I finished the story, I added, “You and David always give me the same BS, that you don’t know anything about relationships and you just sort of fell together like a miracle of God or fate or some bullshit, but you still fell together. I’ve never fallen for anyone but Aiden and Jace.” Seven flights up, and I had to stop, sucking in deep breaths as my lungs burned. God, I was out of shape. “Ray,” I said, between gasps. “Can you just stop focusing on how you feel about them and just fucking tell me what you would do if you were me?”
“That’s impossible because David would murder me if I even suggested the possibility of a threesome.”
I was going to stab him. I really was.
“Bro . . .”
Raymond groaned, and the creaking sound made its way through the phone again. I pictured him throwing himself back onto his bed or into his gaming chair, long limbs slack as he went limp with exhaustion at having to think this hard about something he disapproved of so much.
“If I was you, I’d just go up to them and I’d tell them that . . . you want to give it a shot, but not if they’re fucking other people. But you need to drive the point home about how good you all can be together, because in the end, that’s what this is all about, right? Not just you telling them what would make you happy—it’s how you all would be happier together. Big-picture shit, you know?”
“But what if they don’t want to try—”
“Dude, stop being so scared all the time. Do you know how many times I told David I wanted him, and his punk ass kept being all afraid that he was an experiment? If I’d just said, ‘Oh well, guess he doesn’t like me,’ I guarantee we wouldn’t be together now. Fight for them, man. Fight for them, but don’t compromise on something that you know you can’t handle.”
I exhaled slowly. “I wish I could handle it.”
“But you can’t,” Raymond said, his voice growing quieter as he got more serious. “I can picture your face when they tell you they’re going to fucking Freedom X or whatever that place is called, and how those big eyes of yours would get all wet and you’d take a deep breath, then try to act all tough, and it makes me want to crack skulls.”
A laugh burst out of me, and I walked slower up the remaining stairs. “You’re so overprotective. Just like Aiden. Real talk, if you’d both stop with the macho-alpha-dog bullshit, y’all would be friends.”
“My friends list is full.”
I guffawed my way to the QFindr office, picturing him scowling and moody at not being taken seriously, but I knew he was full of shit. When it came down to it, he’d dig my boys if he’d give them a chance. And he probably knew it too, which was why he was so determined to double down so as to never be proven wrong.
“If you really thought they were that bad, you wouldn’t be trying to help me figure out what to do.”
“Maybe I’m just tired of you bitching.”
“Aiight, grumpy ass. I’m gonna let you go. I have a security guard to save and two beautiful dudes to talk to. Enjoy the blackout and have a lot of sweaty sex with D.”
“If he ever stops griping long enough to get fucked,” Raymond grumbled. “But, look, on the real . . .”
I turned the door to the office, only to realize it had locked behind me. Grimacing, I rapped my knuckles on the glass loud enough to hopefully draw their attention. Jace appeared almost instantly, and the relief in his lovely face tightened my chest. He worried so much. About everything.
“I know how it feels to get in your feelings and caught up in your insecurity, and tell yourself there’s no way someone would want you when they have better options. Or a better life. Or whatever.” Raymond paused, maybe weighing his words or maybe wondering why he was saying them despite his firm belief that I needed to flap my wings in the opposite direction of the Fairbairns. “But if you never try to tell them what you need, it’s on you, bro. And if they agree to give you what you need, and are happy to do it, and you still back away . . . then you’re not giving them the chance to show you what they have to offer.”
“I’m just afraid they won’t be willing to try even if I do fight for them,” I said, dropping my voice to a whisper as Jace unlocked the door. We were face-to-face as Raymond answered.
“Man, if they love you, they’d be willing to do exactly that. And if you don’t think they would be able to stick it out, then you’ve got your answer on whether you should pursue any of this at all.”
My stomach twisted in a painful knot. It must have shown in my face because Jace’s expression went from relieved to concerned. I shook my head, trying to force a reassuring grin and failing miserably.
“Thanks, Ray,” I croaked. “A lot.”
“Be good, man. Figure that shit out once and for all.”
We hung up as I stepped into the office, but my heart was thumping in my chest at a terrifying rate at the very idea of once again asking them to change. For me. The resounding fear in my already chaotic mind was: What if they say no? or What if they say yes, then regret it?
I didn’t think I could handle being crushed by the reality that they wouldn’t consider me enough.