To: Parents
From: JDixon
Date: 10/25
Subject: Parent/teacher conferences
Hello, fellow parents!
Ever wondered what Miss Ward really thinks of your child? Oh, I know it’s all smiles and compliments on curriculum night, but prepare yourselves for brutal honesty as we sally forth into parent/teacher conference season.
And best of all, I’M IN CHARGE OF THE SCHEDULE! Oh, I’m just drunk on the power I have now! Who wants the coveted 12:30 Thursday spot that allows you to take a long weekend? Cuz there’s a super-cute coat sitting in the window at Macy’s with my name on it … first person to get that for me wins their pick of times.
OR we could do it the old-fashioned way and have you email me 2 times that work for you from the list below and I will “try my best” (wink) to accommodate you.
Thursday, Nov. 17, p.m.
12:30, 1:00, 1:30, 2:00, 2:30, 3:00, 3:30
Friday, Nov. 18, a.m.
8:00, 8:30, 9:00, 9:30, 10:30, 11:00, 11:30, 1:00, 1:30
Let me know as soon as you can, so I can get on with my life. Early birds will be rewarded with primo spots.
Dixon out!
To: JDixon
From: Sasha Lewicki
Date: 10/25
Subject: Parent/teacher conferences
I am out of the office until October 27.
Thank you,
Sasha
To: Jen Dixon
From: Carol Alexander
Date: 10/25
Subject: Parent/teacher conferences
Hi, Jen,
Any time on Thursday works for us. Kim and I have a big lesbian conference to go to on Friday. Want to come with us? The theme this year is Dykes or Bikes: Which Would You Rather Ride?
Kidding, of course. Except for the part about any time on Thursday.
Thanks,
Carol
To: Jen Dixon
From: Jill Kaplan
Date: 10/25
Subject: Parent/teacher conferences
Hi, Jen,
I’m Rachel Kaplan’s mother. I’m so sorry I didn’t say hello at curriculum night, but I wasn’t feeling very social. My asshat of a husband wouldn’t come with me and I was too pissed to be friendly to anyone.
Anyhoo, I will take any time Friday morning. God knows Steve doesn’t care. He thinks it’s women’s work to meet the teacher. You may wonder why we even had a kid if he isn’t going to participate. I ask myself that all the time.
Let’s have coffee sometime!
Jill
To: JDixon
From: AGordon
Date: 10/25
Subject: Parent/teacher conferences
Dear Jen,
I missed meeting you on curriculum night, but Don mentioned that he spoke with you. Did you really know each other in high school? Small world. I’m not sure if he has responded to this email, but I’m pretty sure we are good for any time after 12:30 on Friday. That’s when we usually do the handoff.
Thanks,
Ali Gordon
Huh. It seems Don and his baby mama don’t live together. He said they were co-parenting Lulu. I guess they’re divorced.
To: JDixon
From: JJ Aikens
Date: 10/25
Subject: Parent/teacher conferences
Hi,
There is only one option for us and that’s 12:30 on the 18th. Sorry. No flexibility whatsoever.
Thanks,
JJ
To: JDixon
From: Kim Fancy (Nancy’s mom)
Date: 10/25
Subject: Parent/teacher conferences
Hi, Jen,
We have scheduled a trip back to Manhattan, so we have to go first on Thursday. We absolutely must make our flight in order to be at Lincoln Center for the ballet Thursday night.
Thank you,
Kim
To: JDixon
From: Asami Chang
Date: 10/25
Subject: Parent/teacher conferences
Jennifer,
We will take the first spot on Thursday—12:30. And I won’t be buying you a coat for it, I can assure you. I have notified the head of the Parents’ Association that you are soliciting bribes.
Asami
To: JDixon
From: Peetsa Tucci
Date: 10/25
Subject: Parent/teacher conferences
Hi Jen,
Thanks again for the play date. Zach had a great time. I think a remote-control helicopter is definitely on his Christmas list now!
As for the conferences, we are around, so plug us in anywhere.
See you for trick-or-treating.
Peetsa
xo
Peetsa’s email makes me realize that I haven’t heard from Miss Ward about having a Halloween party in the classroom. Max is crazy about dressing up and has been planning for weeks to wear his costume to school that day.
To: Miss Ward
From: JDixon
Date: 10/25
Subject: Halloween party???
Hi, Miss Ward,
I know you’re busy, but I never heard from you about planning a Halloween party for the kids. Do you want me to pull something together?
Thanks,
Jennifer
Much to my surprise, her response is almost immediate.
To: JDixon
From: PWard
Date: 10/25
Subject: Halloween party???
Hi, Jenny,
I didn’t see a request from you, but just so you know, I only have parties when I think the kids deserve them—not because Hallmark tells me it’s a holiday.
By the way, when will you have my conference schedule ready?
Keep up the good work!
Peggy
Well what do you know. Miss Ward is able to come up with the one answer I would have never thought of.
I start tackling the conference schedule almost immediately. I knew that first slot on Thursday would be a popular one, because there’s no school the next day: It’s a great opportunity to take a long weekend somewhere. I have three people who insist that it is imperative they have it, so obviously none of them is getting it. I know, I’m a bitch. If any of them had asked for the spot instead of demanded it, it would have been theirs. As my mother always says, ask me to do anything. Don’t tell me to do anything. As I type, I count the number of enemies I’m about to make. Ah, heavy is the head that wears the crown.
To: JDixon
From: NGrandish
Date: 10/27
Subject: Threats and bribes
Jen,
I’ve heard thru the grapevine that you are asking for a coat in exchange for a preferred conference time. Please don’t do this. Go for something smaller, like jewelry or maybe a watch. The evidence is easier to hide.
Kisses,
Nina
To: Parents
From: JDixon
Date: 10/30
Subject: Parent/teacher conference schedule
Hi, folks,
If you’ve ever seen The Hunger Games, you’ll have an idea of what I went through trying to make everyone happy with these conference times.
Here is how it shook out. If you don’t like what you get, well, good luck finding someone who cares.
And remember, we have a half day on Thursday the 17th and no school on Friday the 18th. Please, please don’t send your kids to school on Friday unless you want them to have an introduction to custodial services.
Over and out.
Jen
Conference Schedule:
Thursday, Nov. 17
12:30 Lewicki
1:00 Fancy
1:30 Aikens
2:00 Chang
2:30 Alexander
3:00 Brown
3:30 Kaplan
Friday, Nov. 18
8:00 Cobb
8:30 Dixon
9:00 Westman
9:30 Baton
10:30 Tucci
11:00 Elder
11:30 Wolffe
1:00 Gordon/Burgess
1:30 Zalis
I push Send knowing what a shit storm I have just delivered, and wait for the fallout. Of course Sasha Lewicki’s out-of-office reply is the first to arrive, but it is followed very quickly by emails from Dr. Evil and Mini-Me.
To: JDixon
From: Kim Fancy
Date: 10/30
Subject: Conference schedule
Hi, Jen,
I’m sorry if I didn’t make myself clear in my previous email. I simply must have the first conference time because we are flying to Manhattan! Please switch me with Sasha Lewicki.
Kim
To: JDixon
From: JJ Aikens
Date: 10/30
Subject: Conference schedule
Jen,
I’m really shocked by how you ignored all our requests, especially since you asked us to tell you what we wanted. I mean, Kim and I both asked for the first time slot, assuming you would give it to at least one of us. Kim has a flight to Manhattan. She has tickets at Lincoln Center. So you see how important it is that she get the first spot. I’m sure the Lewickis won’t mind switching when you ask them.
Thank you,
JJ
To: Kim Fancy, JJ Aikens
From: JDixon
Date: 10/30
Subject: Conference schedule
Hi, Kim and JJ,
The schedule stands as is. If you would like to reach out to the Lewickis yourself, be my guest. They were the first to respond and I’m pretty clear on where I stand with prompt replies.
By the way, to my knowledge there are no airports in Manhattan. I hope someone didn’t sell you a fake plane ticket!
Jennifer
To: Sasha Lewicki
From: JJ Aikens
Date: 10/30
Re: Conference schedule
Hi, Sasha,
How are you? My name is JJ Aikens and my daughter Kit is in class this year with your daughter, Nadine. I’m sorry we didn’t get a chance to meet on curriculum night, but I’d love to get the girls together for a play date. JJ’s usually playing with Nancy Fancy, but maybe we could set something up for November 20? Speaking of which, can I switch conference times with you on the 18th? I really need that first spot. Well, I don’t, but Kim does (you know Kim Fancy, don’t you? She moved here from Manhattan a couple of years ago). She needs to jump on a plane back to the city. We told the class mom, but she seems to just do things any way she wants. I don’t think she’s set a date for the class cocktail party yet, not to mention she didn’t even bother to organize a class Halloween party!
Anyway, let me know as soon as you can. And let’s do coffee soon.
JJ
To: JJ Aikens
From: Sasha Lewicki
Date: 10/30
Subject: Conference schedule
I am out of the office until November 3.
Thank you,
Sasha