Lyric/Sage…

I don’t know where this night went wrong. Botie was so sweet bringing flowers and dessert. Our talk was light in some places and a little heavier in others, but we were getting to know each other and then it took a bad turn into the Twilight Zone and I can’t stop myself from keeping it going.

“We’re in the middle of an argument and breaking up and you want to know if I am going to be here in the morning to work on your damn barn. I tell you what honey, you spread those pretty legs for me tonight and I will think about giving you some labor tomorrow. This isn’t Dallas, you can’t just use people.” I can’t believe he said that.

“Botie, the only thing I want from you is a good day of work. You act like I am declaring my undying love and want to have your baby. I don’t have a heart to give anyone, so it’s a moot point. Either say you will help me with the barn or leave and get over yourself.” I know I sound like a spoiled child but that is what Botie does to me. Botie gets so close to me I can smell his sweat and I am ashamed to say I would love to feel it on my body. He gets down in my face.

“You’re not fooling me darling—you are so hot for me that you want to climb me like a damn tree. Not happening. I may want your body beneath mine, but I won’t allow any woman to use me again, especially some inexperienced naïve little girl. I’m leaving and call Trask when you need help because he is the type of man to give you exactly what you are asking for.” That is the last straw. Botie walks towards the front door and I run to the kitchen and get his flowers and fried pies. I hurry back out the front door and Botie is in the truck with the window down. I throw the flowers at him through the window and I take the two pies and smear them down the side of his white truck and then I stick my tongue out at the man that is infuriating me and making me act like a raving lunatic. I don’t know what has come over me.

“If that leaves a stain you are paying to have it cleaned,” Botie grits out.

“Don’t worry, I can afford it.” I stomp my way back in the house and I slam the screen and the front door and lock it. I fall in the middle of the floor and roll up in a fetal position and cry until I can’t cry any more. My head hurts, my nose has snot for days and my eyes are swollen and puffy. I don’t know how one night can be the best and worst rolled up in one. I know I am feeling sorry for myself. I won’t do this to myself again. When I was young, and my dad was on the road I would cry to be close to my mom, but she was always gone or told me she didn’t have time. I didn’t know what I did wrong just like now. If this is what people go through to be in a relationship, then I don’t want any part of it. Maybe I can talk to Zane into coming early. That’s a great idea but he may be too busy. I can always try. I make myself get up and I go and clean the kitchen. I throw everything away. I don’t want to remember any of it. My new dishwasher gets its first load of dirty dishes. I think about that and I sound pathetic. I’m thinking about my dishwasher. I lock my house up and climb the stairs and go straight to the shower, so I can wash this night away. The hot water makes my eyes feel a little better. I am sure cold water would help them more. My body is aching from lying on the floor and the water does help that. I get out of the shower and wrap a towel around me. I find one of dad’s old t-shirts to put on and I brush my hair out. I know tomorrow I get to go to the spa and it can’t come soon enough. Maybe, Zane would have enough time to meet us. I pick up my phone and text him. I don’t get a reply, so I climb under my covers and drift off into a restless night’s sleep.

At seven o’clock, I can’t take any more and I get up and make coffee. I don’t bother with a robe, I’m too tired, or depressed. I just don’t feel anything. I have disconnected. It’s not long before my coffee machine signals it’s done. I make a cup of coffee and I drink it straight and hot. I need the burn to know I am still here. I sit at my table and my mind closes everything out. I go back over my life and wonder when my life became a haze from circumstances beyond my control. It seems like I have been running in a fog ever since. Sometimes I can almost feel and see the light at the end of my journey. I only hope when I reach that light that there is a good life beyond it. It is a thought that keeps going through my head. I keep trying to keep a brave face, but it’s hard sometimes. I don’t know how long I sit here going over thoughts in my mind when I hear a light knock on my kitchen door. I figure it’s Haddie wanting to get an early start. I open the door and there stands the last person I expected to see—Zane. He has the same lop-sided grin I have wanted to see for over four years and I jump in his arms. He takes a step back to brace us.

“Hey there, cupcake. I heard your voice on the voicemail and I knew something was wrong. Now that I know where you are, I can come find you and so I did. What’s wrong darlin’? Is that bitch of a mom of yours mixing shit up for you again? I’ll put that bitch in her place.” That’s my best friend. Always slaying my dragons for me.

“I have missed you so dang much. I should have taken you with me when I left. I left my better half at home.” Zane takes a step further in the house and sets me down. I look into Zane’s deep brown eyes and at his beautiful mocha skin. This is my brother from another mother and I didn’t know how much I needed him until right now. I feel safe with Zane and I can tell him anything—he will never judge me. I step closer and kiss him on the cheek. He pulls me into another bear hug.

“Let it out girl. I see the pain in your eyes. Let them roll until it is all out.” That’s all he has to say. I break down and cry for everything I am worth. I cry from missing my friend for four years, I cry from missing my dad, I cry from the pain my mom has caused me all these years, and then I cry from the loss of Botie. I can’t believe the dreams I put in that man in one day and it was all gone the same night. I don’t know when Zane picks me up and carries me to the couch and sits down with me. I cry for what seems forever just like last night but then I just stop. I can’t keep acting like this.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be crying since I haven’t seen you in over four years. We should be making the most of our time,” I apologize to Zane.

“Hush it, woman. You needed a good cry and I am man enough to let you have it. I don’t run from crying women. I cuddle them and show them the Zane love.” I laugh and snort out my nose and I feel the snot running. “Cupcake, go and clean your face. I don’t run from tears, but snot is a different thing. Put your ass in some clothes too. Those legs are too tempting for any man.” Zane is right. I probably look a mess.

“I will jump in the shower and clean up and be back down in a few minutes. There is coffee in the kitchen. How long are you here for?” I ask hoping he can stay awhile.

“Coffee sounds great—I never went to sleep last night. I drove straight here, good thing I was sober. I had been at a party, but I was the designated driver. I am staying the night, but I have class at noon, so I need to get back on the road early tomorrow.” I am glad to get Zane for any amount of time. “You know every one of us miss you. We need to make a trip to the beach or up to your cabin, just the family.” I know I need that too.

“You set it all up with coordinating everyone’s schedules and I will do the rest. I would love it. I miss everyone and to tell you the truth it’s exactly what I need—to have our family back together. It just needs to be after my birthday.”

“I will get all the schedules synced as soon as I take that test tomorrow. I am having to take one class in the summer semester and it’s a pain. Now go on up and get your shower so we can get to the spa. I haven’t had a spa day since you left.” Good memories—no—the best memories.

“I’ll be down in just a few minutes,” I tell Zane and run up the stairs. I feel a little better. I don’t know if it was the crying or having my best friend here. Today is going to be a better day than I thought.