Chapter 8 (Asher)
I'm going to kill him.
I'm not being dramatic, either.
I'm going to mutilate and maim the motherfucker. String his goddamn balls up like a set of Christmas lights.
He fucked her...he fucked my girl.
Right after we...
Christ, the asshole won't even give me the courtesy of showing up to our tutoring sessions this week, but he has no problem taking what's mine and bending her over a desk.
And Breslin...she won't even let me talk to her and set things right with us...but she has no problem fucking him.
Rage crawls up my gut and the pendulum my heart is swinging from can't seem to decide who or what it's madder at.
But I do know who my intended target is.
I pound on Landon's front door and I'm nearly ready to kick it down when he doesn't answer on the first knock.
When he opens the door after my second knock, I ignore the towel hanging off his hips and the beads of water trickling down his stomach and charge at him.
I throw, one, two, three punches at his face. My jabs are so quick, he barely has time to react as his glasses fly off.
“You fucked her.” My voice comes out low, deadly even.
The adrenaline running through me picks up another notch and I take a swing at him again. This time, my fist lands near his kidney and he grunts, “Yeah, I did.”
Finally, he starts defending himself and manages to land a punch to my jaw. I relish the burn. Hell, I want more of it.
I throw another punch, harder than my last few; and he stumbles back before he falls on the floor of the living room.
I'm so mad at him. So fucking mad, I honestly feel like I could tear him from limb to limb.
When I angle my leg, intending to sail it right into his rib cage and end the fight for good, I see a flash of panic on his face...and my heart squeezes.
Because no matter how many punches I throw his way...it will never change the fact that I have feelings for him.
It will never change the fact that Breslin or no Breslin—I ended up falling for Landon Parker.
I'm hopelessly and irrevocably in love with two people—and both have completely fucked me up and ruined me for anyone else.
I kneel down beside him and grab the nape of his neck, forcing him to look at me. “Do you regret what happened between us? Is that why you did it?”
He shakes his head. “No, that isn't why.”
The definitive tone of his voice is absolute.
Tension locks my jaw. “Who do you want, Landon?”
My heart beats out of my chest—and I don't know if my stomach is knotting because I'm waiting for him to tell me that what we had was a mistake —or because I hate the fact that he fucked the girl I love more than life itself after she caught us in bed together.
I grind my molars as I wait for him to answer and my anger accelerates. Breslin will forgive him...but not me. And fuck, if that doesn't make this jealously smoldering inside me come to a head.
“I think you already know the answer to that,” he says, wiping the blood from his now split lip.
My grip on his neck tightens. “No, I don't.”
I don't know anything anymore.
He turns his head and spits blood on the floor. “My feelings haven't changed, I still want you both. But—”
I refuse to hear what his but entails, because I'm pretty sure I already know.
Right now, there's a storm brewing inside me—and since the girl who snuffs it out wants nothing to do with me—I need the other half of my heart to wade through it with me.
His gaze clashes with mine and I close the distance between us by bringing my mouth to his. Our kiss is angry and rough...and because I'm a dick and I want him to know what it feels like, I say, “She kissed me today,” right before I take his mouth again.
The sharp sting of his teeth slicing into my lower lip sends my head spinning and all my blood rushing south.
He growls, actually growls; and snatches my hair forcefully. It's the exact reaction that I wanted to elicit from him. Because I need to feel his envy...I want to taste his bitterness.
I don't want to be alone in this. I'm always so fucking alone.
Before he knows what hit him—I turn him around, snatch off his towel, and sink my teeth into his neck. “Fucking hurts, doesn't it?”
He doesn't answer, instead he tips his head back and bites and sucks at my top lip, making my dick rock hard and evidently his as well.
I nudge him forward. “Bend over the coffee table for me, right fucking now.”
He appears hesitant and I give him a look. I'm not in the mood for his apprehension, because the lust and ache plowing through me is enough to make me dizzy.
I grasp his jaw in my hand, giving him a peek at the vulnerability swirling inside me. “I need you, Landon.”
You have no idea how much.
My heart's in my throat because I've never felt so goddamn fragile before.
Something passes in our gaze...and I know he feels it too. Our situation is so fucked up, it's borderline tragic. There's no way we're not going to come out of this unscathed. But there's no way to ignore our feelings for one another, either. We're far past the point of denying them.
I care about him and I want him. And the way my heart beats erratically whenever I look at him, along with the twinge of protectiveness in my chest—tells me that I love him.
He takes a breath, leans forward, and bends over the coffee table—raising that pert, tight ass of his in the air for me.
I slide my sweatpants down, spit on my hand, and give my cock a nice, long jerk as I kiss my way down his back. His skin is like heated satin, so fucking smooth. I love the way it ignites and contracts under my touch.
I see him reach over and open a drawer, rooting around for something before he pulls out a bottle of lube. He drags in a low, slow breath as he hands it to me.
Landon's nervous, there's no doubt about it, considering the way he's shaking right now. And yet, he still trusts me.
He trusts me to not only see how scared he is, but to let me take something from him that he's never given anyone else.
Landon's braver in a way I'm not sure I'll ever be, and there's something overwhelmingly alluring about that.
And equally heartbreaking...because now I can't help but think about Breslin and how much I royally fucked up.
And if I could go back in time? I would change everything about that night.
I wouldn't have taken her virginity until she knew the truth, every single bit of it, and made the choice to give it to me. No wonder she hates me so much.
God, I hate myself. Deep down, I hate who I am and the things I can't deny.
I hate that I lost the love of my life because of it.
I look down at Landon and my breathing ceases. Because the only time I don't inherently hate who I am is when I look at him.
It's the only time I'm not ashamed of being attracted to men. The only time my disgust doesn't swallow me whole.
Because the feelings I have for him are stronger than any hate will ever be.
I squirt some lube on my finger and slip it inside him, letting him get used to the feeling.
When he takes a breath, I bring my other hand down and tease his taint, a spot that thanks to our last hookup, I know he's fond of.
His palms go flat against the coffee table and he juts his ass out at me. “Fuck.”
I add another digit to the one in his ass and I can't help but smirk. “Oh, I plan on it.”
When I feel him tense around my finger, I say, “You need to relax for me, otherwise it's going to hurt like hell.”
He opens his mouth to say something, but I slip my now lubed up cock between his ass cheeks.
“You ready for me?”
He nods and I lower my head to kiss his neck as I position myself over him. I quickly add another squirt of lube to my cock and line myself up with that tight puckered hole of his and slowly press forward.
He pounds the coffee table and his entire body goes rigid. “Jesus.”
I still myself, because I know I'm a lot to take, especially for someone who's never had anal before. “I'll go slow.”
I lean my forehead against his back as I push in deeper, making him take me inch by inch. It's the sweetest torture I've ever experienced.
When I fill him up to the hilt, he exhales and looks over his shoulder at me.
And that's when I slide my cock out and push right back in. My balls clench and I groan. He's so fucking tight, so goddamn perfect.
“You have no idea how good this feels,” I rasp as I pull back slightly and thrust into him again, relishing watching my cock glide in and out of him. “Fucking incredible.”
“Then stop being a pussy and fuck me harder, jock.”
When I look up at him there's a taunting grin on his face that sends another bolt of arousal right through my system.
Christ, Landon Parker might be my nerd in the library, but he's an addicting, uninhibited devil in the sac. Always pushing my buttons.
Always taking what's mine.
That thought elicits another bolt of wrath and I speed up my movements, ramming my dick into him so furiously I see stars. My balls slap against his ass repeatedly as I punish him with my dick. And despite the perpetual animosity, it feels so good, too good. There's no way in hell I'm gonna last much longer.
My balls tingle and I slam into him again. “Fuck, I'm gonna come.”
When I hear Landon groan my name and he swivels that sweet ass against me, I come so hard I'm the one who's a shaking mess now.
I fall against him, inhaling his sweat soaked skin.
He shifts underneath me. “That was—”
I don't give him a chance to finish, I yank him to the ground and cover his body with mine.
His muscles flex as I work my way down his torso, gradually inching my way toward my intended target.
That heavy dick of his that's bobbing right in front of my face, begging to be balls deep inside my mouth.
He sucks in a breath when my tongue trails down his pelvis, stopping only to slurp up the drop of pre-come that's collecting on his lower stomach.
I bite my lip and watch in satisfaction as a flush spreads across his face and over his chest.
“Please,” he finally says, digging his fingers into the carpet. “I need your fucking mouth, Asher.”
In a flash, I swallow his dick and he cries out my name. There are no teasing licks this time around, I suck him hard and fast, not even bothering to stop for air.
"Oh, God!" he screams, gripping my hair and gyrating his hips into my face.
I relax my throat and make room for him, taking him even deeper. When I start gagging, he grips my hair harder, holding my head in place as he fucks my mouth, giving me his own brand of punishment.
“Fucking hell,” he grunts between thrusts, his eyes turning dark.
Five pumps later he's coming so fast inside my mouth he can't even call out a warning.
I swallow every morsel he shoots out and he damn near whimpers when I give him one long and hard suck before I release him with a loud plop.
I sit on my haunches and stare down at him, watching his chest rise and fall, waiting for his breathing to even out.
“You gonna fight for her?” I ask, fearing the answer.
The silence between us is as deep as the Pacific before he grinds out, “Yes.”
He props himself up on his elbows and the muscle in his jaw works. “Are you?”
I lift my chin, refusing to break eye contact. “‘Til the day I die.”
And I mean it. Breslin has no idea what she unleashed by being back in my life again. Second chances don't come around often and I'm not going to ruin this one.
He looks around the room, irritation and a hint of sadness crosses over his face. “I guess this situation just got even more complicated then.”
“It did.” I lean down until my lips are ghosting over his ear. “Because I'm not only fighting for her now. I'm fighting for the both of you.”
He cups my jaw and I honestly don't know what to make of the expression on his face, which is saying something; because he's usually an open book.
Right when I'm about to ask what he's thinking, he crushes his mouth against my lips, kissing me like I'm his lifeline.
He pulls back slightly and looks at me. “Good because there's no fucking way I can give you up. Either of you.”
His expression shuts down. “Question is, now that we know where the other stands, what are we going to do about it? Does this make us lovers or enemies?”
“I don't know,” I tell him honestly before I let out a bitter laugh. “But for what it's worth you're clearly in the lead. She doesn't want anything to do with me.”
“That's because you hurt her, Asher.” He closes his eyes. “We both did.”
I stand up. “Trust me, I'm well aware of how much I hurt her.”
He pushes to his feet and wraps his towel around his waist. “At the risk of giving you the upper hand—why don't you just tell her the truth about what happened back then?”
“Because she's not ready to hear it, yet.” I rub the back of my neck. “And it won't make a difference anyway.”
I slip my pants back up, choosing my next words carefully. “There are things you don't know about Breslin. About her home life and her upbringing.” I pause, gathering my composure, because the tentacles of guilt are making it harder and harder to breathe again. “Things that will make it impossible for her to forgive me, whether or not she ever knows the truth about Kyle. The shit between us goes deeper than him.”
The boy in me didn't understand it back then, but the man in me does now.
The man in me sees all the pain that's hidden behind Breslin's grown up eyes. The real reason she never let Landon or any other guy in and pushed them away.
She can't move on because she's damaged. Thanks to me.
Not only did I end up giving credence to the fucked-up things her piece of shit father used to tell her when it came to our relationship. But I simultaneously validated that destructive inner voice of Breslin's that night, too.
In one singular moment, my actions and words proved to her that she wasn't enough for me.
And even though in the end she was the one who physically walked away, I was the one who sidelined her with my new-found feelings first.
I know exactly how much I hurt Breslin Rae...because I know her better than anyone.
I broke her trust by not being honest, and I betrayed her and what we had by keeping the biggest secret from her for months on end.
I did the one thing someone with her upbringing can't recover from. I internally checked out on her and left her behind.
Just like her mother did.
I was all she had. The first person who ever loved her, because her parents sure as fuck never did. And in the end, I emotionally abandoned my girl.
And unfortunately, I'm not sure there's a way to ever undo that or make her see that everything's not so black and white, because there's a lot of gray smearing our past. I don't know how to make her understand that just because my sexuality is fluid, my feelings for her never were.
She was always good enough for me.
She was everything to me.
I'm slowly coming to the realization that the only way to get Breslin back is to let her punish me. All while I keep pushing through those walls of hers over and over again, praying that one day a light bulb goes off and she realizes how much I fucking love her.
Because I'm not going anywhere and I'm sure as fuck not giving her up again.
And call me crazy, but I think deep down inside she doesn't want me to.
Because I know she still loves me. I felt it in that kiss earlier. Hell, I feel it every time she looks at me, and it's just as powerful as it ever was. Maybe even more thanks to the line of hate dividing us now.
I still have a piece of her heart, and that's the opening I need to bulldoze the rest of my way in. I'll fight her tooth and motherfucking nail to reclaim my spot, because it's the only place I belong.
I look over at Landon and something inside my chest stirs.
Maybe not the only place.
“She never confided in me about her past,” he whispers, distracting me from my thoughts.
The jealousy in his tone is evident and I can't deny the flicker of gratification it brings me.
A flicker that dims as soon as I see the dejection in his eyes and he lets out a soft scoff. “But then again, why would she? I'm not you.”
I'm at a loss for words. On one hand, I almost want to comfort him. But on the other? I want to puff my chest out and smile.
Instead, I find myself throwing him a bone. “Back when we were 16 Breslin ended up finding a lost and abused puppy.”
When he gives me a look I say, “I promise this story has a point.”
He nods and I continue. “She basically spent most of the summer nurturing it back to health. Despite the protests from her father, she still found a way to take care of it. It was one of the most beautiful things I ever witnessed. It made me fall even more in love with her. She was so selfless, always putting that puppy before her own needs. Even giving it her own food which was usually scarce around her house.”
I suck in a breath. “Then one day I showed up—I had purchased the little guy some food and toys—you know, wanting to help...but the puppy wasn't there.”
“Why?”
A sad feeling simmers in my gut as I think back to that day. “Because she gave the puppy up. She ended up finding a good family with a little girl who desperately wanted it and off he went.”
His brows draw together. “That was sweet of her.”
I shake my head. “Yeah, but the thing is—Breslin loved that puppy more than anything. And when I asked her why she gave him up, she listed off a bunch of things, but it was all bullshit. She knew I would have helped her with whatever she needed and that she could have taken care of it.”
I look him in the eyes. “In the end Breslin gave him up because she was afraid to hold on to something good. Because good things have never been a permanent thing for her. She's too scared to hold on to them, because she doesn't know when they'll disappear, just that they always do. So if she pushed you away? It was only because she cared about you.”
The silence hangs in the air between us and I can see the wheels in his head spinning before he says, “Thank you for telling me that.”
I jut my chin out and head for the door. “I need to go. I have an early practice tomorrow morning.”
He reaches for my arm, halting me. “You also have the big Shakespeare test tomorrow afternoon.” He looks down at his feet. “I'm sorry I slacked on tutoring you this week. Meet me after practice ends and we can get in an hour or two before class starts, okay?”
I lick my lips and shrug. “That depends.”
He puts his hands on his hips, I can tell he's getting ready to lay into me. “On what?”
I dip my head and press my lips to his Adam's apple. “On whether you're going to eat something, take your level, and your insulin.” He starts to protest but I don't give him a chance. “Don't argue with me. Just do what you need to do and take care of yourself. Or the next time I see you, I'll be kicking your ass instead of fucking it.”
“Asshole,” he mutters under his breath.
I give him a sly grin and he opens his mouth, but then his gaze drops to my collarbone and his eyes turn hard. “Why do you have a bruise there?”
I think back to the exchange with Dragoni and stuff my hands in my pockets. “No reason.” I lift a shoulder in a shrug. “Probably from practice.”
His nostrils flare and he crosses his arms. “Don't lie to me, Asher.”
It's not often that Landon is angry, and the tone in his voice right now tells me that he's livid.
“Dragoni threatened me after I fucked up during practice today.” I fix the beanie on my head and avert my gaze. “On some level I deserved it, though. I was distracted on the field—I couldn't concentrate.”
“Why?”
I step out of the doorway. “Why do you think?”
He sighs. “You had a certain fiery redhead on your mind.”
I give him a curt nod and start walking down the hall. “See you tomorrow, nerd.”
The corner of his mouth tugs up in a half-grin. “Don't be late, jock.”
I feel a set of eyes appraising me up and down when I stick my key in the lock of my dorm room.
“Can I help you?” a voice behind me asks.
I spin around and come face to face with some short girl with blonde hair and bright pink tips, enough tattoos she could be featured in an art exhibit, and enough piercings to set a metal detector off.
Despite all the bling and distractions going on, though, she's attractive. Not that I'm interested in any other girl besides Breslin anymore, but I'm not blind, either.
“I'm pretty sure I should be the one asking you that.” I point to the door. “This is my dorm.”
She squints her eyes and purses her lips. “Haven't seen you around campus before.”
“I just transferred over the summer.”
She thinks about this for a moment before she sticks out her hand and says, “Well, any guy who helps out my best friend is all right by me. So, hi.”
I have no idea what this girl is talking about, but I don't want to be rude so I shake her hand. “Hey, I'm Asher.”
I barely have time to register the way her face falls, or the knee to my groin before white hot pain sears into me and I keel over, grabbing my nuts which I'm certain are now on fire.
She goes to kick me again and I narrowly manage to dodge it. I have no idea what the hell this midget's—one who obviously has some kind of grudge against me— problem is, but she's out of her damn mind. “You fucking bitch.”
I don't usually call women bitches, but when they attack my sac for no reason? Yeah, it's warranted.
She pulls something out of her purse and holds it up, ready to attack.
My mouth hangs open. “Holy shit, is that a shiv?”
Her eyes narrow. “Stay away from my best friend.”
I blink, debate calling a mental facility, and stare at her. “I don't even know who your best friend is.”
The sharp object goes sailing in front of my face, scarcely missing my nose before landing in the wood of the door. “Don't fuck with her, Holden, or I'll shove this down your throat.”
Before I can object, she starts walking down the hall, pointing to her eyes the entire time. “I'm watching you.”
When the crazy chick is out of my sight I open my door and pull out my cell phone.
Asher: Dude, I was just threatened and kicked in the balls by some maniac with pink hair.
Landon: Did you sleep with her?
I roll my eyes and type out my next text.
Asher: No. I've never met her before. But apparently she knows me because she told me she'd shove her shiv down my throat if I didn't stay away from her best friend.
The dots on the screen appear and then disappear before appearing again.
Landon: Pink hair you say?
Asher: Yeah, the ends of her hair. Some tattoos and piercings too.
Landon: Shit. That sounds like Kit.
Asher: What the hell is a Kit?
Landon: Breslin's best friend.
I groan and throw my phone on my bed. Fucking perfect.