Chapter 10 (Breslin)
There's something comforting and equally petrifying about showing someone your scars, letting them see you stripped down to the bone, raw and unveiled.
I bury my face in Landon's neck, attempting to hide the tears that can't seem to stop. Telling him I grew up in a trailer park and that I used to work at a topless bar when we were together was the easy part.
Telling him how I was bullied for most of my life was a piece of cake.
But talking about my parents and my past? The things that haunt my soul whenever I look in the mirror or have a moment to myself. Things like—how much it truly hurts that my mother left me. Or about the remarks my drunk father would make while growing up. The same remarks he makes to this very day whenever the mood or rather, intoxication strikes him. Or about the agony that cuts like a knife whenever I think about Asher.
It hurts like hell.
“I get why she left him. I know all about how love isn't enough to make two people stay together and that things just fall apart. But I don't know what I did to make her hate me and leave me, too. Why wasn't I enough for her? Why am I so unlovable?”
I rarely give into these feelings, usually I just hold them inside, refusing to burden anyone else with them, but letting Landon in tore the scab off and now I can't stop.
Landon cups the back of my neck, kisses my cheek, and holds me for dear life. “You're the exact opposite of unlovable. It was her loss. Believe me when I say that.”
Resentment burns my insides and I exhale slowly. “Was it your loss too?”
His body goes rigid underneath me and I feel his heart start to race. “I guess I deserve that.”
“And I deserve that explanation you said you were here to give me.” The scene I walked in on replays in my head and my stomach starts reeling. “I came back from Europe open for you, ready to give you everything and you—” I swallow the words I can't bring myself to say. “You know what you did. But how? I mean, I know I told you to see other people but why him? Out of the seven billion people in the world...you chose him. Why would you do that to me?”
I twist out of his arms and sit up. “I never even knew you were attracted to guys, Landon. You could have told me. My feelings for you wouldn't have gone away and I wouldn't have judged you.”
Even though Kit explained sexuality to me in detail and I understand it more than I ever have...it doesn't change where my anger with him stems from—because it doesn't change the situation. It doesn't change how gutted and bewildered I am over him and Asher sleeping together.
“I told you, I didn't do it to you on purpose,” he whispers. “And before him, I wasn't attracted to guys, so there was nothing to tell you.”
“Did you sleep with him because I hurt you? Was that why you turned to him? Looking for comfort?”
Rage bubbles in my chest and I start seething. “Did you ever stop to think that maybe he purposely sought you out. Used you and trapped you into—”
“Asher didn't know who I was either, Bre.”
The fact that he's even trying to defend him causes my blood to boil. “You don't know that for sure. But of course you would stick up for him.”
He shakes his head. “That's not what I'm doing.”
He tucks a finger under my chin, forcing me to meet his gaze. “You want the truth?”
I give him a soft nod and wrap my arms around myself, preparing for the blow that's coming my way—because the last conversation I had like this ended up shredding my heart and I'm not so sure I can take another one in this lifetime.
The only reason I'm putting myself through this presently is because I can't help but feel like I played a part in ruining things between us.
I was the one who pushed Landon away in the first place. I was the one who ended things and ignored him while I was in Europe.
I was the one who gave him my heart a moment too late.
And for that? I'll always be sorry.
He squeezes my hand tightly, almost like he knows I'll bolt the second he opens his mouth.
“Despite being hurt over us...me falling in love with Asher had nothing to do with you, Bre.”
I recoil, the impact of his statement smacking me in the chest. Sex is one thing—everyone has an itch to scratch I suppose, but hearing that he has actual feelings for him? That he loves him. That's a whole new level of pain and a blow to my heart that I'm not sure I can deal with. My first instinct is to run and my second instinct—the one I try like hell to ignore—is to tell him that I loved Asher Holden first; but Landon drops his forehead to mine and says, “Don't, Bre. Please don't leave me.”
His voice is laced with so much emotion I'm surprised he isn't choking on it. When I look up at him there are tears in his eyes and my heart pulls.
If I thought I was lost and confused over this weird and fucked up situation...it's nothing compared to the way Landon looks right now.
Against my better judgment I cradle his face in my hands and will him to keep talking to me. Because no matter how much it may sting to hear it, I don't want Landon to keep everything bottled up inside. I don't want him hurting like this, because I do love him.
Despite the pain—the love still leaks through.
And call me crazy? But I believe him when he says he didn't hook up with Asher to intentionally hurt me and that he didn't know who Asher was when things happened between them.
And that right there is the difference between my past situation and my current one.
Asher cheated on me with an enemy, a bully who harmed me with his words time and time again. He didn't tell me about the feelings he was having until promises and bonds were already broken. He told me after he had already deluded and cheated on me.
Landon and I had no such promises or bonds...because of me. I pushed Landon away and ended things with him, leaving him free to do whatever he wanted.
But the biggest difference in all this?
I let Landon go out of fear, but I held on with everything I had to Asher and loved him with every part of myself. I had faith. I had hope. I trusted his love...our love.
Landon hurt me, but Asher shattered me.
I can forgive someone for hurting me. But I can't forgive someone for injuring me to the point of no repair—because broken things can't be put back together again, even with the toughest of glue.
Besides, I wouldn't even know the first step toward unraveling all the hate I've built up for Asher, anyway. The hate I have for him is my protection from ever letting him get close to me again and I'll be damned if I let my guard drop, especially given he's so close currently.
But this isn't about him right now. This is about me and Landon.
A man who I know cares about me. A man who looks so devastated and lost, I can't help but lean over and pull him close.
I know people wouldn't understand why I'm suddenly consoling a guy who only days ago was in bed with the guy who demolished my heart. And if I'm being honest with myself—I'm not so sure I do, either. All I know is that every instinct I have is gravitating to him. I want to be the balm to alleviate his torment.
“Tell me everything,” I whisper, repeating his words from earlier. “Because no matter what you tell me, I'm not going anywhere right now. Just give me the truth, including the painful parts.”
He wraps his arms around me, clutching my shirt. He's trembling and it only makes me hold on to him tighter. In a single moment, everything superficial and skin-deep about our former relationship has been washed away, the new tide bringing a depth to us that I never saw coming, our wounds blistering due to the layer of salt being poured over them in the exchange.
“I tried to ignore it, shove it down,” he whispers into my skin.
“Ignore what?”
“The spark. The connection between us. But I couldn't. He's—”
“Impossible to ignore,” I finish for him and he nods.
“He was like a freight train that crashed into me before I ever had a chance to realize what was happening. I couldn't even try to stop it—because by the time I recognized what I felt, it was too late.”
My guts twist because I know exactly what he means. I know all about falling for Asher and his vortex that pulls you in.
His grip on the fabric tightens. “I didn't want to hurt you, I swear to God. I just couldn't fight my feelings for him. Just like I can't fight them for you.”
I feel a tear roll down my neck and I run my hand down his back, attempting to soothe his anguish away. Landon's not a bad person, far from it. He's gentle and kind, sensitive to others. Regardless of the anger in my heart, it pains me to see him this way.
He pulls back and slides his thumb over my jaw, studying my face. “I love you, Breslin. Me falling for him didn't change that.” He punches his chest. “You're still in here.”
The look in his eyes combined with the twinge in my heart tells me every word is true.
When he cups my face, I turn to putty, unable to resist the pull. He skims his tongue along my lips, tasting me, and I open for him. Unlike Asher's kiss which was forceful and demanding, Landon's is sweet and soothing. He's making love to my mouth with a gentle caress and soft flick of his tongue, letting me know with every breath he takes how true his words are. Letting me know he won't let me shatter.
When his fingers curl into my hips, I snake my arm around his neck, tugging him even closer.
He reaches for the hem of my shirt and I raise my arms for him, allowing him to strip me bare. When his mouth finds mine again, my tears mingle in our kiss but he doesn't pull away. If anything, he deepens the kiss, assuring me he won't let me go. Telling me without words that the arms I'm in are safe, despite the strange chaos surrounding us.
I take off his shirt next and my thighs clench when I rake my gaze over his tattoos. Landon is beautiful. But not in the conventional, blond hair and blue eyes sense that Asher is. He's beautiful because he wears his heart on his sleeve and he's perceptive to others. He's beautiful because he'd be the kind of person who would take the hit over and over again if it meant absolving another person's suffering. His inner beauty surpasses the physical—not that he's bad to look at. Because those warm brown eyes, tall stature, adorable glasses, and toned body are enough to make anyone with a pulse swoon.
But the most beautiful thing about Landon Parker? He makes me forget my past and the tidal wave of heartache that constantly surrounds me. He makes everything better, just by being near.
And right now? I want to disappear in Landon. I want him to take me to that place that only he can. The place where the bad things can't reach me.
I need to get lost in his touch and escape in his desire. I reach down and stroke him through his jeans. “I need you inside me.”
I repeat the movement and my heart races when he starts to thicken in my hand, ready for me.
That is until he draws back and shakes his head. “That's not why I came here.”
I smile and unzip his jeans, refusing to break this connection, because I know what's waiting for me when I do.
Misery, pain, memories.
“It might not be why you came, but it can be why you stay.” I reach for the string on my sweatpants and he halts me. “We have sex every time we're together.”
I blink and swallow. “You say it like it's repulsive.”
His face softens. “Are you kidding? Of course not. I love having sex with you.” He gestures between us. “But I love what we have tonight even more. Don't check out on me because you're feeling too much. Because I'm right here with you.” He reaches for my wrist. “I won't let you go, Bre. I'm here for as long as you want me. But don't use me as your escape from him.” His eyebrows crash together. “Because I know that's what you did.”
He frowns before he whispers, “Just like I know I'll always be second best in your heart.”
My heart stops for several seconds and I open my mouth, intending to argue with him, but I can't...because he's right.
“I didn't realize I was using you all those months.” Shame settles over me with the awareness. “I'm sorry, Landon.”
But not nearly as sorry as I am that I gave my heart to someone else first.
He runs his nose along my ear. “I didn't realize I hurt you until you walked in on us.”
“How could you think me seeing you with anyone who wasn't me wouldn't hurt?”
“Because I honest to God didn't think you cared,” he says sharply. “Not only did you break up with me, but I called you so many times I lost count while you were in Europe. What was I supposed to think?”
The saying, 'sometimes the truth hurts' has never been more prevalent than in this moment.
My stomach squeezes in protest. “I returned your call once while I was there but you blocked me.”
“I didn't block you—” he starts to say before his mouth clamps shut and his eyes dart around the room.
“If you didn't block my number who did?” I gasp when I realize.
“Bre—”
“No,” I interject. “Don't even sit there and try to defend him. Or you might as well walk right out that door and never come back.”
I push my hair out of my face, willing myself to keep calm and not track him down. “How can you think he didn't seek you out intentionally or set you up, Landon? He went in your phone and blocked my number.”
“It wasn't like that. I was...he thought he was helping a friend get over a girl who didn't want him. He had no idea it was you because I never told him your name and you're not stored in my phone under your name.” He raises his hands. “But I don't want to talk about him anymore. Because you and he are like a pair of fucking boomerangs. No matter what, you'll just keep circling and coming back to one another somehow.” He drops his head. “And I'm the one caught in the middle. Actually, worse than that. I'm the one you both ricochet off of and I hate it.”
I glare at him. “Are you kidding? Do you really expect me to feel bad for you?”
His jaw flexes and he looks like he wants to protest but I don't let him. “The only reason you're caught in the middle is because you put yourself there.”
His brow wrinkles and I look him in the eyes. I don't want to be in this situation with him any longer and there's only one way I can think of to get out of it.
“Do you love me?” I flinch as I wait for his response, despite knowing the answer.
He tips my chin up. “You know I do.”
I can feel my guard lowering as I swallow and whisper, “Then choose me.”
Fight for me because I want to fight for you. The way I should have fought for you.
Courage and determination crawls up my throat with my new-found resolve. “I won't mess it up this time. I'll love you the right way, Landon.”
His face falls. “I—”
I don't give him the chance to answer because I fuse our mouths together, desperate to siphon every bit of him that I can while I still have the chance.
His breath is choppy and frantic when we break apart, a perfect parallel to the despair in his eyes.
“Don't make me choose—because I can't.” He peppers kisses over my jaw and along my cheek. “All I can promise is that I'll never lie to you.” He hovers over my ear lobe. “All I can promise is that you're safe with me, because I won't let anyone hurt you again. Including him.”
I give my head a shake, certain I misheard him because his words don't make sense to me. I don't know how he can make that kind of promise, all while in the same breath telling me that he can't choose between us and that he wants to date us both.
I clutch my chest. “I don't...I don't think I can stay with you while you're with him—” My exhale is heavy and loaded with sadness. I feel like he just physically took out my heart and stuck it on a stick before twirling it in a fire. “But I don't think I can give you up, either.”
The gruesome feeling in my stomach grows. “I don't know what to say or where I stand. I don't know how I feel about this.” My breath hitches and I feel dizzy. The room is spinning in one giant whirl, like I'm on a merry go round that malfunctioned and just keeps spiraling out of control, unable to stop.
How the hell am I actually in this situation right now?
Strong arms wrap me in an embrace before the merry go round tilts and I feel nothing but warm, buttery skin underneath me.
“You're okay,” Landon whispers, running his hands up and down my back as I lie down on top of him. “Just breathe.”
His hand curls around my hip, holding me in place. “Close your eyes, and sleep. I've got you. I didn't mean to make you freak out. We don't have to talk about this anymore.”
I drag in a slow breath and my eyelids fall shut. I'm so exhausted, so drained from everything that occurred over the last week. But it's the last few hours that pushed me over the edge.
I sink into him, fighting thoughts of Asher the entire time but it's near impossible. He's always my last thought right before I fall asleep and the first thought I have when I wake up in the morning.
“I told him we would crash and burn,” I mumble against Landon's chest. “I told him.”
Panic grips me but Landon's lips brush the top of my head and his arms tighten around me. “Shhh.”
His hand finds the spot above my heart—a heart that feels like it's beating out of my chest, and he kisses my temple. “Breathe, babe. Just breathe. Everything's gonna be okay.”
My eyes burn with tears I refuse to shed. He couldn't be more wrong about that. Nothing about this predicament is okay. There's no way it will ever be.
A moment later he softly rocks me and starts singing the first few lines of my favorite song—Colorblind, by the Counting Crows.
I immediately relax, letting the deep, addicting timbre of his voice pacify and comfort me.
God, I missed his voice. I miss the way everything in the world is right again in his arms.
His fingers stroke my spine in gentle movements, and I clutch him, not wanting to let go. When he starts singing the part about no one getting to come in, my heart jams in my chest.
Because I want to let him in. I don't want to live in a world where everything is black and white...but I can't help it.
Because the gray parts are brutal. The gray parts are dangerous.
The gray parts always hurt so fucking much.