“Don’t let her get too close!” I call out from my beach chair. Liam is letting Aarabelle play near the water and I can’t help but get a little antsy.
“Calm down. I know how to swim—well!” he lets me know in an annoyed tone.
I’ve gotten to actually enjoy the beach for the first time since Arabelle’s been born. I don’t know what to do with myself. Plus, I get to look at Liam shirtless. Really, I’m winning anyway you look at this.
My phone rings and I look at the number. California?
“Hello,” I answer.
“Natalie? It’s Catherine.”
“Cat! Hey!”
I haven’t talked to her in so long. Between her working insane hours and the fact that my life is nuts, we just miss each other. I do get to talk to her through Jackson though . . . I guess that’s something.
“Hey! I had a few minutes and was thinking of you. I think I’m going to come back east next time Jackson comes to Virginia and I’d love to see you.”
I laugh as Aara throws sand at Liam. “Yeah, that would be great.”
“You sound happy,” she notices.
“I am. I’m actually away until tomorrow. Liam and I came to the Outer Banks.”
She goes silent for a second. “Things are good then? With Liam?”
I sigh and the smile that forms is natural. “Yeah, things are really good. I’m content, Cat. He’s sweet and he loves Aarabelle and me. It’s strange and we’re adjusting, but I’m in love with him.”
“Oh, that’s amazing. Seriously! I’m so happy for you. And after finding everything out?”
Jackson and Mark found out about the affair, I assume through Liam or Quinn. Jackson pulled me aside and assured me they knew nothing. He and Mark were both angry, but they’ve also seen it so many times. Cheating isn’t uncommon in the SEAL community. I was grateful that I wasn’t the only person who was blindsided by it.
“It sucked.”
“Trust me, I know. I know it’s awful, but I promise you, in time, the affair can even become a blessing. When I walked in on my ex cheating on me with his whore, I didn’t think I could love again. It was the most horrific thing, but because of that . . . I met Jackson. Maybe Liam is your lobster.” We both laugh at the Friends reference.
“I think he could be. I’m taking things one day at a time, but you know. Oh,” I remember to tell her about Aara’s party. “In about a month, I’m going to have Aarabelle’s first birthday party. I know it’s a little early, but I’d love if you and Jackson could be there.”
“Oh, for sure! Jackson wouldn’t want to miss it. Okay, babe, I gotta run. I have a meeting in a few, but I’m glad we could catch up a little,” Catherine says, sounding rushed.
“Me too! I can’t wait to see you.”
“I can’t wait either. Kiss that precious little girl and we’ll chat again soon.”
I disconnect the call and think about what she said. Her ex did a real number on her. At least I never had to walk in on Aaron and Brittany, but at least Catherine wasn’t married and having a baby. It sucks no matter which way you slice it. Infidelity takes a part of your heart and tarnishes it forever. I can polish it up, but it’ll always have a dull spot.
Liam and Aarabelle head back and I appreciate the way he moves. Even the way he walks is lithe. The muscles in his arms enlarge as he lifts the baby. I stand up and head over to them.
“Dadada,” Aarabelle babbles and rubs her eyes.
Liam and I glance at each other and then down to Aara. She gazes at the house and I wonder if she is just making noises or if she seriously called him some form of Daddy. It would make sense. He’s the only man in her life. Neither of us speak as I wait to see if she says it again.
“Did she?” I question aloud.
“We probably misunderstood.”
I nod and blow it off. She might have said something else and we are being silly. We both stay silent for a few beats and watch her as if she’ll say something again. After a few minutes, Liam reaches for my hand and laces his fingers with mine.
The sun warms my face and I close my eyes.
“You should really be wearing something else,” Liam chastises, breaking me from my peaceful moment.
“What’s wrong with my bathing suit?” I ask looking down.
I know it’s not the body I had before kids, but I don’t think I’m fat. I have on a deep burgundy strapless bikini. It hugs my new curves but hides the tiny pooch I’ll never get rid of.
“Nothing’s wrong. I’m just having a hard time not wanting to carry you over my shoulder and bury myself inside of you again,” Liam says and I literally shudder.
My stomach tightens and I need a minute to think again. That was definitely not what I was expecting to hear.
“Okay,” I manage to say. “What time are we leaving tomorrow?”
“I need to get some stuff ready before I leave, so probably after breakfast. And after morning sex.”
“So sure I’m going to give it up, huh?” I play with him a little.
“I think I’ve proven myself.”
“I’m not so sure.”
He’s more than proven himself, but it’s not in my nature to let him gloat.
“I’d be careful. Aarabelle is yawning and I can think of something to do during her nap time.”
I look at the baby and wonder if it’s too early for her nap.
“I have some other things I really wanted to do, like catch up on my TV shows.
Maybe another time though.”
Liam lunges forward and practically knocks me out of my chair. “I’d start stretching, sweetheart.” He kisses the side of my neck and his warm breath causes goosebumps to form. “I’m going to make you come many, many times.”
I try to manage my breathing and appear in control. “I’m counting on that.”
He’s going to make me suffer, but in the absolute best way.
An hour later, we pack the few things we brought to the beach and head back toward the house. I feed Aarabelle and get her ready for her nap. She’s exhausted, and after her oh-so-healthy breakfast, getting her to eat lunch was not fun. Once everything’s cleaned up and I get her settled, I’m not sure what to do.
Do I go and look for him? I mean, he alluded to what we’d be doing. Then I feel awkward because I’m not sure if this is normal. I feel like a horny teenager worrying about having sex all over again. I’ve never had an adult relationship where you date.
“Trying to avoid me?” Liam says and I leap out of my skin.
“What is with all of you? Do they train every one of you to scare the shit out of people? Fucking hell.” I try to calm my heart, but it’s been almost a year since he died . . . it’s been a year.
It’s a year.
Today.
And I didn’t even realize it. It’s been one year today since Aaron died.
I look at Liam with tears building. I’m here on vacation with Liam—making love, having fun, and I didn’t realize it’s the anniversary of my husband’s death.
“I didn’t mean to scare you. Are you okay?” he asks concerned.
“Liam,” I say with my hand on his arm. “I don’t know . . . I mean . . . today is a year. Today makes one year since he died.” I look up with despair. I’m an awful person. I mean, I didn’t even know. I didn’t think about it or him. Yes, he hurt me, but still. Shouldn’t I be in Pennsylvania? I suddenly want to vomit.
Liam stands there and doesn’t say a word. Guilt for two men becomes too much for me. I’m standing here on vacation with my boyfriend crying over my dead husband. The day after we had sex for the first time. Oh my God. I’m going to lose it.
“I need a minute,” I say and rush down the stairs.
There are no answers here to ease my mind. Nothing is right and yet nothing is wrong. I made my peace with Aaron. I made my choice with Liam, but at this moment, my two worlds are colliding and nothing fits.
I burst through the door onto the beach and fall to my knees. I’m more upset that I forgot. I don’t know what the protocol on mourning is, but shouldn’t I have remembered?
I think about the note I found with the apology. Maybe he was sorry about the affair. Maybe he was sorry he married me and was unhappy. Even though I don’t think that. Sure, we had hard times—all marriages do—but we had a lot of happy. We had laughs, love, and we had a family. I take this time here on the beach to forgive him and forgive myself. If I go off his letter, he wanted me to be free and to love again. I want that too.
And I have that.
I look toward the ocean and there are three wild horses trotting along the water. I’ve never seen the horses when I’ve been on the beach. They’re majestic and the three of them move a little slower for a moment.
The dark brown horse seems to be in charge as it leads the pack. There’s a light tan horse who’s in between the two darker horses. The other horse pushes past and is almost black. It’s the tallest of the three. It moves in front and the tan horse perks up.
I sit and watch them and can’t help but feel for the tan horse. I decide it’s a she. She has two male horses vying to lead her. But she’s wild and doesn’t want to be led. Again, I decide all of this. She wants to love, but feels torn between the two horses. When I’ve written their entire story in my mind, the dark brown horse turns and leaves her.
“I’m sorry too, Aaron. You left me.”
The two horses run in the opposite direction and I feel like somehow he just answered me.
Standing, I brush the sand off my legs and decide to find Liam. He deserves an explanation. When I turn, I see him standing a few feet behind me. His arms are at his sides and his eyes are sad.
“Liam,” I say as a plea.
He puts his hand up and then pinches the bridge of his nose. “I didn’t realize it either. I didn’t fucking remember.” He steps forward.
“I’m sorry I ran out like that. It’s not your fault. I felt like I was an awful person. Here I am,” I walk toward him, “Happy and in love. Falling asleep in your arms and wanting to be there again. It’s overwhelming all on its own. And then when I realized what today is, I felt this pang of guilt. But I choose you, Liam. I want to be in your arms. I want to be here with you. It’s you who has my heart.”
His eyes meet mine and he pulls me against him. Neither of us speaks and I wonder if he saw the horses. The symmetry between those three horses and myself spoke volumes to me. One of them would always have to be alone. They had to make choices about who should lead and who she should follow. But I don’t have to choose because one left, leaving my path clear.
I vow to myself to enjoy the rest of our trip together. To allow myself the break from the life that awaits me when I’m home. Liam is who I want to spend my time with. He’s who I love. I look forward to him calling, coming over, and he gives me everything I need. Liam and I may have been friends but I can’t help but wonder if this was how it was always meant to be.
“Good morning, sleepyhead.” Liam’s hot breath is against my ear. I curl into a ball and want desperately to be asleep.
“It’s still dark out,” I grumble. I open one eye and want to slap him for waking me. Last night we spent our time just the three of us holed up in the living room. We played with Aarabelle and then he held me for hours.
We didn’t speak about what the day had held. I think each of us needed to process it on our own. A year changed a lot for me. I learned a lot about life, love, grief, and that there are no real answers for any of it. Love can hurt and heal. Aaron hurt me deeper than I knew was possible, but Liam showed me it’s okay to forgive. Grief ate at me, formed pockets of guilt and anger so deep I didn’t think I’d find a way out, but I did. There are still times I’m angry, but I won’t let it define me. Each day I have to choose the life I want to live.
“I’m going to go for my run, but then I thought maybe we could exercise together,” his voice penetrates deep into my core.
God, his voice is sexy.
“What did you have in mind?”
His lips glide over my ear and he pulls my hair back exposing my neck. He gently bites the skin there and I moan. Slowly, his tongue slides across the skin he just nipped. “Maybe some cardio?” he suggests. “Or stretching . . .” he says as he bites another sensitive area.
“I . . .” My voice is breathless when his hand snakes across my chest. “I . . .” I can’t get the words out.
Liam’s hand squeezes my breast as his mouth explores my neck and ear. “You what?” he breathes the words into my ear.
His fingers pull at my nipples and my ass rocks against him. I’m already wet. I want him so bad. “I want you,” I say in a voice that even I don’t recognize. I’m needy and begging for him, though he’s barely touched me.
“How bad?”
I moan as his hand finds my other breast. I try to roll over, but his body keeps me where I am. Completely at his mercy.
“How bad do you want me, Natalie?”
“More than my next breath.”
His hand dips lower and he pushes my legs apart. When his finger finds my clit, I moan out in ecstasy. He pushes and swirls while I lay panting. My hand reaches back and I push his shorts and underwear off. I want to lead this one.
My hand wraps around his dick and I pump him up and down as he swells beneath my touch.
“I want to do something,” I say as he continues to insert a finger inside.
“Do anything you want,” he offers.
I sit up and take my top off. Liam’s eyes shine in the low light entering from the moon. Morning, my ass.
I pull his pants off and he shifts on the bed. Leaning down, I wrap my lips around his cock. Liam groans and his fingers tangle in my hair.
“Holy fuck,” he moans.
My mouth glides up and down his length as I focus on every breath hitch and sound he makes. I focus on taking him deep and know he must enjoy it based on how his hand tightens in my hair. I slide back up and then take him deeper, and Liam moans again.
“Natalie, you need to stop.” He pulls me and flips me on my back. “I’m going to fucking drive you insane.”
I have no doubt.
He pulls my legs over his shoulders and wastes no time. Liam’s mouth is on me in a moment and my head falls back. He licks and devours me. There’s no finesse. It’s savage and feels incredible. His finger enters me and he pumps inside of me, twisting his hand while his mouth sucks at my clit.
“I’m gonna come,” I say as he takes me higher.
He doesn’t relent and slips another finger inside that moves at the same pace as his tongue. My breathing is erratic and I’m growing closer to release. I can taste it. I need it. Liam sucks harder and I fall apart. I squirm and pant as he continues to draw everything I have.
“So fucking gorgeous,” he says and slowly climbs his way up my body.
My hand grips his neck and I pull his mouth to mine. Our tongues meld together and he slips inside me.
“Oh,” I break apart as he pushes deep and waits. “Move. Please, move,” I beg as he rests fully seated inside of me.
He waits with eyes closed as if he’s memorizing this feeling. I’m full and want him to take me.
“I want to live inside of you,” he says and then pulls back. “You’re made for me.” He continues to talk as he pushes deeper than before. Liam slides back and forth as he fills my heart and my body. “I want to love you all day.”
My eyes close as I savor the sensations of him inside of me. When I look up, I rest my hands against his face. “You already do,” I say softly. “You love me all day.” He slows his pace but continues to move as I tell him how I feel. “You give me so much without even knowing it. You healed me. You gave me the strength to be the woman I once was.” Liam’s eyes stay locked on mine as he pours himself into me and I pour my heart out to him. “You showed me how to love again. So you do love me all day, and I love you.”
We both stare at each other as we make love. A tear falls from my eyes as we both fall over the edge together without saying a word. Liam holds me against him as I cry, overcome with love and happiness. This is a moment I’ll never forget. It’s the moment I realized just how deeply in love I am with Liam Dempsey.