Twenty Two
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Sam awoke feeling groggy and disoriented. Her eyes were gritty, like she’d poured sand in them before she’d drifted off into a restless sleep. Wondering how puffy and swollen they were, she managed to crawl out of bed and into the bathroom. Definitely not good. She looked terrible, and she felt just as bad. The image reflecting back at her reminded her of the events from that morning.
Glancing at the clock, she realized she’d been asleep for the better part of the day. It was already six and she’d accomplished nothing. Splashing cold water on her face, hoping to reduce some of the swelling, Sam inhaled deeply, telling herself it was time to move on. She needed to make a sandwich, maybe take a long bath before she tumbled back into bed. Unsure how she would face the next day, the only solution was to sleep until Logan McCoy didn’t matter anymore.
Maybe she should consider asking for her job in San Antonio back. If Logan and Heather were to get together, Sam knew there was no way she could suffer through that day in and day out. Although Sam and Logan hadn’t known each other long, the feelings she had for him ran deep. That meant the scars would be even more jagged and painful.
Before she went in search of food, she changed out of her now wrinkled slacks and silk shirt. They’d both have to go to the dry cleaners now. Feeling minimally better in her fleece pajama shorts and tank top, she went in search of food.
Her cell phone caught her attention as she passed the bar on her way to the kitchen. She knew she should check to make sure everything was alright at work, but she didn’t have the energy to do it. Everything would be there for her in the morning.
“Ugghh!” Sam couldn’t hold back the groan as she thought about having to go into the office.
Could she take some vacation time? She’d surely accrued enough time over the years. Possibly a trip to San Antonio to see her parents.
Oh, who was she kidding? She couldn’t afford to take any time off and going to stay with her parents wouldn’t be a vacation anyway. Her mother would just smother her with affection and constantly ask her if she was ok.
Remembering she had a critical project in the works, deadlines looming in the very near future, she shrugged off the idea. No matter how hard this would be she couldn’t take any time off right now. And seeing Logan was going to be hell.
And after today, Sam might not have a job anyway. She’d let her feelings shine like a flashing beacon for the entire world to see when she ran out of the office, unable to hold back the tears.
Stumbling upon Logan’s conversation with Deanna had derailed her entire day, possibly her entire life. Oh how she wished she had gone to get coffee or something. Anything to avoid having to hear how he had gone to dinner with Heather. The wounds were still raw as Sam felt her stomach tighten into knots.
So much for dinner.
Instead, she opted for a glass of Diet Dr. Pepper and managed to drag her weary body back to her bedroom.
“That’s tomorrow. Today is today.” Sam reminded herself as she flopped backward on the bed. She glanced over at her personal laptop sitting on her nightstand and then back at the ceiling. What in the world could she do to take her mind off of Logan? At this point, she was game for almost anything.
Erotic images of the night she spent with Logan slammed against her closed eyelids. The way he kissed her, the underlying tension between them that caused the air to crackle with the energy that burned around them.
He had been good at deceiving her - that was for damn sure. The way he looked at her, the way he touched her, the way he kissed her – God how he kissed her – he always made her feel like she was his sole focus. As though she made his blood pump faster, his heart beat harder, the same way he affected her. Sam didn’t know how it could go from earth shattering lust to nothing so quickly.
She closed her eyes for a moment in an attempt to fight back the tears threatening to fall. Her heart squeezed in her chest with the loss that she felt; leaving her to wonder how the pain could be so deep that it was a physical ache. This was definitely worse than anything she had expected. The devastation she felt when she walked in on Nick felt like nothing compared to this.
“God, please just make the pain go away, please.” She whispered to herself in the quiet room.
There had to be a way to push away the pain and log only the good times in her memories to carry her forward. It wasn’t like they had even admitted they loved each other. In a week, she knew it would all be behind her, but for tonight, it was pure agony.
~*~*~
Logan entered Sam’s apartment after knocking several times without an answer. Checking the doorknob had been a last ditch attempt, surprising him when the knob turned, and the door opened. He’d seen her lock the door every time he’d been allowed in, so he was a little shocked.
The only light in the darkened apartment seemed to be coming from the bedroom. The soft sliver of yellow light cast a shadow in the short hallway, luring him in that direction. Wondering whether he should announce his presence or giving himself a chance to assess the situation, Logan opted for the latter. Making as little noise as possible so as not to startle her, he crept the short distance to her bedroom.
What he saw when he approached her doorway tore at his heart, threatening to wrench it from his chest. Sam was lying on her bed, one arm flung across her eyes, silent, devastating sobs heaving her chest. She was whispering something he could barely make out.
“Just make the pain go away, please.”
The ache in his chest felt more like a knife wound, the blade still inserted deep, being twisted back and forth.
“Sam.” The whispered word that came from his mouth was more of a plea.
Her body jackknifed on the bed, a startled shudder running through her, but she didn’t scream as he’d expected. Then the sheer agony was replaced with a look of total revulsion and Logan was almost propelled backward with its intensity.
“What do you want?” Furiously wiping the tears streaking her face, Sam glared at him, but she didn’t move.
Logan’s throat constricted, unable to speak as he stood helplessly in the doorway, seeing the woman he loved hurting. Taking one step forward, then another, he slowly closed the gap between them, wanting only to touch her, to hold her. When he would have put his hands on her arms, Sam jerked back from him, the determination in those translucent green eyes boring into him.
“Don’t touch me. How did you get in here?”
Propelling herself off the bed in one graceful move, Sam pushed past him, going to the living room, leaving him standing in her bedroom feeling the fury she left in her wake.
He wasn’t sure how long he stood there, staring at her bed, noting the rumpled comforter that hadn’t been pulled down and the pillows tossed to the floor. Realizing she’d deserted him, Logan followed the sounds of cabinet doors being slammed shut, finding Sam in the kitchen, looking for something.
“Sam. Talk to me for a minute.” Somehow he’d managed to find his voice, though it didn’t sound like him at all.
“I don’t want to talk to you, Logan. If I did, I would have called.”
She hadn’t called, he knew that much. And neither had she answered her phone when he’d made several attempts to speak to her throughout the day.
“Samantha, I need to talk to you.” Using her full name, Logan inserted some urgency in his tone. At this rate, she wasn’t going to listen to a damn thing he had to say. “I need to explain what you heard today.”
“Explain? Do you think I’m dumb enough that I didn’t understand?” Sam retorted, slamming another cabinet door. “You don’t owe me anything, Logan. I just need you to leave me the hell alone.”
She stalked into the living room, flipping on a small lamp sitting on the side table by the couch.
With a calm he didn’t feel, Logan looked her right in the eye, trying to hold onto his control. “You need to hear me out.”
“I don’t need to do anything.” She argued, crossing her arms over her chest in a very defensive stance.
“But, I need to explain.” He reworded his intentions. Standing before him, Sam looked determined, yet vulnerable at the same time.
It pained him to know he was the cause for all of her anger, her hurt. She’d had hours to conjure up images that just weren’t real. If he’d followed her earlier in the day when he wanted to, she wouldn’t have had time to think about worst case scenarios all day.
“Logan,” Sam lowered her voice, finally looking him in the eye, “I don’t want any explanations. I get it.”
Infuriation bubbled deep, forcing the calm he had reached for to be absorbed until his hands tingled with the anger he could feel rising up. The hard headed woman wouldn’t listen to reason, making up her mind without giving him a chance to explain. The self-control he prided himself on dissolved.
“Damn it, Sam! What do you think you get? You walked in on part of a conversation, and without giving me a chance to explain, you stormed off.” He yelled, hoping to get her attention.
“I heard all I needed to hear.” She screamed back at him.
Logan was sure she hadn’t heard what he said, though she’d had a proper come back. Taking a step closer, he kept his hands to his side. He didn’t trust himself to touch her. Not that he would ever hurt her, but he wanted to shake her with the intensity of his anger.
“What? You heard me telling Deanna that I fucking had dinner with Heather. That’s all you heard, Sam.”
Sam flinched as though he’d hit her. The brunt force of the words was out before he could stop them, but he didn’t try to take them back. She wasn’t listening, and based on the change in her demeanor, Sam had shut down altogether, right before his very eyes.
Closing the gap between them, Logan got almost in her face. Their height difference caused her to look up at him, but he didn’t back away.
“It isn’t what you think.” He lowered his voice, letting the excessive energy drain from his body.
“It doesn’t matter what I think it is, Logan. I learned a valuable lesson today. I learned that I am not strong enough to endure a relationship with you.”
She could have just slapped him, her words having the same effect. Retaliating with words wasn’t going to get him anywhere, yet Logan wasn’t going down without a fight.
Gently tilting her chin up, Logan forced her to look at him. He leaned in, bringing their faces closer together, needing to make his point. “You’re the strongest woman I have ever met. Trusting me wasn’t easy for you, but you did trust me, Sam. I need you to keep trusting me.”
When she would have argued, he stopped her by interrupting. “What I feel for you isn’t superficial. Heather would never be able to distract me from you.”
He’d captured her attention, making her think about his meaning. Logan could see her confusion, knew he’d inserted doubt in her mind. When tears welled up in her eyes, Logan cupped her face. “God, Sam. You really don’t get it, do you?”
He brushed a kiss over her lips, still cupping her face so she couldn’t back away. “I didn’t go to California to have dinner with Heather. She set me up.” Logan explained, feeling Sam’s body tense. “I would have never gone to California if I had known what I was walking into. There wasn’t an issue with At Last’s contract. Heather manipulated the entire thing. Then, to top it off, when I told her that I had actually met someone, she did some digging and she found out about you.”
Sam pulled back quickly, his hands slipping from her cheeks. She was definitely listening now. Logan didn’t want her to have a chance to think about how lousy things could be, so he continued. “Xavier called me into his office this afternoon. He knows about us.”
“Oh God, Logan, I’m so sorry.” Sam turned and started pacing the floor.
What? What the hell was she sorry about? Logan hadn’t expected the sudden turn, so he just stared at her, his eyes tracking her every movement as she wore a path in the carpet.
“Maybe I can go back to San Antonio. I didn’t mean for this to happen anyway. Yes, it would be better for me to go back.”
Sam would have rambled more, except Logan grabbed her arm, stopping her back and forth momentum, pulling her flush against him. Gripping her arms, he held her back just enough to see her face. “I’m not letting you walk out of my life, so you can forget about San Antonio. We’ll work out any issues. Xavier understands what’s going on.”
“But, what if they think –”
“Trust me, Sam.” Logan gripped her chin more forcefully than before.
Sam’s palms were pressed against his chest, her face inches from his, and he knew she felt the way his heart thundered. She relaxed against him, and her body shuddered, making him pull her against him, his chin resting on the top of her head.
“I do trust you, Logan. That’s what the problem is. I trust you and I know that I can’t compete with anyone or anything for your attention.”
Holding her close, Logan inhaled the sweet citrus scent of her hair, felt the soft skin of her arms beneath his fingertips. At least they were making progress, but he didn’t expect this to be easy. Nothing worth fighting for ever was.
“We owe it to each other and to whatever this is between us to discuss this further.”
She nodded her head against his chest, her hands sliding around to his back, sending a frisson of heat coursing through him. When Sam touched him, his world slowed, and nothing mattered except the feel of her hands on him.
“This hurts Logan. The pain in my chest is almost unbearable. The worst part of it is I don’t want this to be over, but I know I’m no longer in control.”
She controlled more than she would ever know where he was concerned.
Feeling the need to explain, while she was giving him the chance, Logan started talking, still holding her close. “I didn’t even know Heather worked for At Last. I haven’t talked to her or seen her in eight years. Seeing her there caught me off guard, but the only thing I could think about was you.”
“You never even called. I waited for you to call and you didn’t. What was I supposed to think when I hear you telling Deanna that you had dinner with Heather?”
She was right. He hadn’t called. Trying to come up with a backup plan while preparing to discuss the extent of the negotiations At Last called him there for, Logan managed to stay busy. That’s what he tried to tell himself anyway.
If he was honest with himself, and Sam, Logan had avoided calling her so he could contemplate the feelings he had for her. They hit him unexpectedly and being the reasonable business man that he is, he had spent time trying to think about the pros and cons of how he felt about her.
This was one of the cons. He didn’t want to fight with her. He didn’t want to hurt her. And he didn’t want to get hurt. But, the reasonable side of him knew if he didn’t take the chance and risk all of those things, then he would miss out on what was probably the best thing to ever happen to him.
“You’re right. I didn’t call. I should have. It isn’t because I didn’t think about you, because I did.” Logan pulled back, gripping her shoulders in his hands as he looked her in the eye. “You have to realize that the things going through your mind are the same things going through mine. I’m trying to get my head around this situation, as well. It happened so fast, and sometimes I wonder if it’s real.”