Hush

 

I rode the Harley around the perimeter one last time, chasing the rising sun across the horizon as my eyes ran over every inch of the land. I saw nothing out of the ordinary. I knew I should go back to the house.

But I couldn’t.

I pulled the Harley to a stop in the middle of the field. I sat back in the seat, watching the sun cresting over the far hills, and took a deep breath. The warming wind blew across my face.

I was dog tired. But I hadn’t been able to sleep.

There wasn’t a chance I was gonna catch any z’s after last night. I closed my eyes and heard Sia’s voice . . . after I came back from Mexico . . . I’ve never trusted anyone else. I . . . I haven’t let anyone get close . . . Until you . . . and Hush, if he would just let me.

A groan stuck in my throat . . . and Hush, if he would just let me . . .

I ran my hand down my face and tipped my head back to the lightening sky. “I would if I could, cher,” I said aloud, to nobody and everybody at the same time. Reaching into my cut, I removed the pills and took them like I did every day. Then I focused on my hands. The brown skin looked back at me. Not black, and not white. But a mix.

My fucking chest tightened, a damn iron lung making it impossible to breathe as I heard Cowboy’s words too . . . You’re both so fucking broken . . . From the minute we met you, I could see in you what I see in him every day . . . loneliness . . . Two people who are lost, two people who don’t know how the fuck to escape the darkness they’re living in.

Sia had been crying, his words hitting home. I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to get my best friend’s fucking words from my head. I knew he worried about me. I knew he cared. Fuck, he was the only one who did.

I stopped that thought dead . . . because I now knew he wasn’t the only one.

Sia. Motherfucking Elysia Willis.

They hadn’t known I’d been listening. Neither of them had known that I hadn’t gone upstairs into the bedroom; instead I had slumped down against the wall in the hallway and listened to every fucking word. I hadn’t been able to leave them alone. Some fucking internal tether held me close.

I listened to Sia cry. To Cowboy promise her things I wasn’t sure I could ever give. I couldn’t give anyone that anymore. I was a fucking bad omen. Whoever was with me would always be ruined. It had always been that way. I gritted my teeth and tried to shake her from my head.

But she wouldn’t go. I licked my lips, still tasting her on them. I’d heard them fall to sleep. I’d heard the soft breathing coming from her mouth. And I’d had to go. She’d been drinking. Cried herself to the point of exhaustion. But something called to me, compelled me to go into that room, a damn magnet pulling me in. The sight of my best friend and her on the couch hit me harder than I’d expected. Because I should have been there with them. I belonged there with them. Every cell in my body told me so. But I couldn’t do it. She’d been through enough. At some point, whatever gris-gris followed me around would get her too. We could never be together. We just didn’t fit.

I had no fucking idea why Cowboy even stuck around. It was only a matter of time before I ruined him too. More than I already had, that is. Fucker was a glutton for punishment.

People thought that times had moved on. That people were more liberal in their views, didn’t give a shit about race or religion or whoever the fuck you loved. But in our fucked-up world, that was bullshit.

I’d seen it.

I’d lived it.

Fuck, I was a product of it.

Her lips had been as soft as I knew they would be. She tasted just as fucking sweet too. I wanted to wrap her in my arms and tell her that this fucking Garcia would never touch her again. But I’d been strong. I’d stood and turned away before the little voice in my head told me to let her in.

But not before I’d seen Cowboy watching me. I didn’t know if the fucker had faked sleep or had woken up when I came through, but I’d seen the look on his face. He wanted it. He wanted me to just get over my secrets, what forever held me back, and be with her.

. . . and Hush, if he would just let me.

“Fuck!” I shouted into the pink sky, head thrown back and fists clenched. I ran my hand over my arms and saw all the evidence I needed for knowing I couldn’t go there with her. And fuck, another thought clouded my mind. Something I knew one day would come. But that I had dreaded with every fiber of my being.

It was time to cut Cowboy loose.

He was my best friend. He was pretty much the only person I had in the whole world. But I was holding him back. He told Sia that she and I were lonely. And fuck, that was true. But I knew he was too. Years of following me around, fucking sluts with me, never on his own . . . because of me.

Cowboy didn’t need threesomes to get off. Christ, half the time I didn’t even know if he enjoyed them. He did them because I didn’t know who the fuck I was without him.

I saw the way he looked at Sia. It was different. He’d never looked at any bitch like that before. Sure, he’d shown interest in others, but never like this. I knew from the minute we met her at Ky’s wedding that she was a game-changer. There’d been a spark between them.

Fuck, she was different for me too.

But I knew he felt some sense of loyalty to me. One that I selfishly knew he would forgo his own happiness for. It was why he was pushing me so much with Sia. Then he’d get to be with the girl of his dreams and still be there for his fucking headcase of a best friend.

The sound of a motorcycle rumbled behind me in the distance. I didn’t even turn around. I knew it was Cowboy. He shouldn’t have left Sia all alone. But I’d checked the perimeters over and over in the past few hours. There was nothing out there. She was safe.

After last night, I knew he’d come and find me.

Cowboy brought the second Harley to a stop beside me. I kept my attention forward, on the sun now almost fully in the sky. My hands fucking shook. Shook at the thought of letting Aubin go. Because that’s who he was to me. Aubin Breaux. The kid I met as a teen, the one who stuck by my side when everything went to absolute shit and life knocked me the fuck down.

“I saw you,” he said, thawing the awkward silence that had built around us. I didn’t say anything. I felt Cowboy pull on my arm. He sucked in a pained breath. When I looked over at him, he was holding the red welts from that fucking bronc rein. They were blistered and looked fucking horrendous. “You listening to me?” he asked, shaking off his pain.

“It doesn’t mean anything.”

“Fuck off, Val. It means everything!”

I clenched my jaw. Then, feeling my stomach drop, I turned to my best friend. “Aubin.” My mouth felt as dry as a damn desert.

“Val—” Cowboy leaned forward, jumping to help me like he always did. But I held up my hand to cut him off.

I took a deep breath. “I think you should try to make a go of it with her.”

Cowboy’s blond eyebrows pulled down in confusion. “That’s what I’ve been saying. She’d be good for us, Val. She—”

I shook my head. “Not me, Aub. You.”

Cowboy’s mouth worked open and shut, his forehead lined. “I don’t get it.”

“You.” I looked back out over the hills. “You should try to make a go of it with her.” I cracked my knuckles, just for something to do with my hands. “She likes you. Shit, anyone can see it.” I ducked my head. “I see the way you look at her too. She’s different for you.”

“For us,” Cowboy argued.

“Doesn’t matter.”

“For fuck’s sake, Val—”

“It doesn’t change how I feel. I won’t see someone else dragged down by me.” This time I did meet his eyes. His face was red. He was pissed, which for Cowboy was a rare occurrence. “I’ve dragged you down too. I know you don’t see it. Think it’s just because you’re my brother. But you ain’t lived right since that night years ago. Gave everyone and everything up. Your future. Your folks. Your horses. Rodeos. You fuck sluts with me because I never used to dare do it alone.” I huffed a self-deprecating laugh. “Hell, you moved from the state you fucking adored to go nomad, then moved to Texas because of me.” I turned on my seat, staring down at the Austin Chapter patch on his cut. “You even told the club—Styx and Ky—that we went nomad because of shit that went down with you, which we both know wasn’t fucking true.”

“Because I knew you didn’t wanna talk about it. After everything you’d been through, I couldn’t let you explain all that shit with the New Orleans chapter—even though we should have, still should. I mean, how much can a brother have piled on him in a fucking lifetime, never mind in the space of a few years?”

“That’s my point, Aub,” I said. Cowboy folded his arms over his chest. “It’s time you did something for you.” He opened his mouth to argue, but I cut him off before he could. “We both knew there’d be a time when you found someone.” The pain I felt in my gut at thinking of Sia with Cowboy alone made me feel sick. “You deserve it.”

“And you?” Cowboy asked. “What do you deserve? To be fucking alone?” He huffed in frustration. “I know you say there’re a lot of reasons not to get into anything with Sia. I get why you think it. But one of them, your condition, shouldn’t hold you back like this, Val. Plenty of people have it and live with it just fine.”

“Not in a biker gang. You know club rules. I’d be grounded. Styx wouldn’t let me close to a bike. His poppa made that an ironclad rule years ago.” I shook my head. “Not gonna happen, mon frère. What the fuck would I be without this club?”

“Could be living with me and Sia? I don’t know . . . maybe fucking happy for once in your life?”

“You think people wouldn’t have a problem with that?”

“Fuck people,” he muttered, shaking his head.

Coldness infused my blood. “That’s what my parents thought, Aub.” I felt him tense as I mentioned them. Because I never fucking talked about them. “Didn’t really work out for them, now did it?” Sympathy flooded his eyes. I fucking hated the pity from Cowboy most of all. “A white guy, a mixed-race sick guy, and a white rancher bitch shacking up ain’t fucking normal in anyone’s book, Aub. Someone somewhere will have a problem with it.” Just that thought set my anger on fire. “And I guarantee, it’ll be me they’ll have the biggest problem with. It always is.”

“We’re fucking Hangmen! No one will say shit to us.”

“Our vice-prez might.”

Cowboy dropped his head in defeat. “I thought . . . I thought after last night . . . after seeing you with her, you’d changed your mind.”

“I want the bitch, Aub. So fucking much that I can’t stand it. But after everything she’s been through, how the fuck could I put her through any more? I’ll protect her with my life, but she ain’t knowing about my condition. My past. My long list of reasons. I just ain’t going to get with her, period.” I started the engine of the bike. I was done with this conversation.

“I might just fucking tell her about you myself. Then you have no more excuses.”

His threat ran off my back, because when I said to him, “No, you wouldn’t. You ain’t built that way,” I knew it was true. “Get with her, Cowboy. And when all this Garcia shit is done with . . .” I took a breath and just let the fucking next words spill outta me. “I’ll leave. Time for you to have a fucking life, free from my baggage.”

 

*****

 

As we walked into the open-air rodeo in Marble Falls a few days later, I felt completely out of fucking place. Cowboy still wasn’t speaking to me much—which was new. He only threw me a few words here and there. It felt fucking weird. In all the years I’d known him, he’d never kept his distance from me. I hated every minute of it, but I knew it was for the best.

Sia was giving me a wide berth too. She stared at me a lot. I wasn’t sure if she remembered me kissing her the other night. Maybe she thought it was just a dream.

“We’re over here,” Sia said and went to register. She was barrel racing today, some amateur competition she did for kicks. Cowboy had been helping her train over the last few weeks. With his arm still pretty bad, he had helped her more in the past few days than help me. I had the perimeter covered. I’d met Smiler and Bull on the main road in my truck, them in theirs, to check in. No news had been brought to our attention by the Diablos’ prez, and Garcia had gone quiet.

I didn’t regard that as a good thing.

So we were here today. I hated fucking rodeos. Too much bad blood had gone down in Louisiana at these fucking things. One time especially . . .

As if he sensed me thinking of that time, Cowboy moved closer to me. He didn’t say anything, but his arm brushed against mine. He never could stay pissed at me for too long. Though this time had set a new fucking record.

Sia walked to a table a few yards away and started filling out some forms. She looked fucking incredible. Her sparkly jeans and pink shirt fit her figure so fucking good I’d almost smiled at her when she came out of her room this morning. She was so fucking stunning, her long curly hair falling down her back, a white Stetson on her head. Instead, I’d ducked out and made sure our journey to the rodeo was safe.

That was my new plan. Avoid her at all costs.

Viking, AK and Flame would be circling the area too. I glanced down at what I was wearing: a plain white shirt and jeans. Of course, Cowboy completely looked the part, dressed in a red plaid shirt, jeans, his cowboy boots and a brown Stetson.

“You look like the old you, dressed like that,” I said and watched a smile pull on his mouth.

“Thought that this morning when I got dressed. Weird to be without a cut, huh? It’s been so long you could almost pretend the years before the club weren’t real.”

I could never think that, but that’s because those years were permanent tattoos on my brain.

“Yeah.” I opened my mouth to say something else, anything else, but Sia came up to us, papers in hand.

“All signed in,” she said. “‘Helen Smith’ is ready to ride.” She laughed and shook her head. “Yee-fucking-haw!” Then she rolled her eyes.

Helen Smith. Her pseudonym. Ky, years ago, had gotten her a false identity after Mexico. The deeds to her ranch were in that name, and she competed under that name too.

Sia rocked on her feet awkwardly when I didn’t laugh. When neither of us did. It wasn’t just me Cowboy had been distant with. Since our little talk a few days ago, he’d pulled away from Sia. He was still all smiles—that’s just who he was—but the flirtation had stopped. I hadn’t seen him take her hand. He barely laughed at her jokes, or engaged in their usual back and forth. I could see it was fucking killing her. I could tell that she missed him by the way she waited for a reaction every time she said something he’d normally find funny.

And I got what he was saying. We were both in this or neither of us were. The prick was so fucking pigheaded. But a better friend there never was.

“So, cher, when you up?” he asked.

“In an hour. I’m one of the last.” She looked toward her horse trailer. “Clara will be warming Sandy up for me.”

Cowboy nodded. “Then let’s get you to the training ring.” I trailed behind Cowboy and Sia, searching the faces at the rodeo. People had started coming in. The bull riders and broncs would pull in the bigger crowds later.

We watched Sia train her horse for a while before her name was up. Cowboy put his hand on my shoulder as we moved to the side of the main ring to wait for Sia to ride. I looked up at my best friend and saw his eyes were bright with excitement.

He used to live for this shit.

The announcer called for “Helen Smith.” Sia held Sandy back at the gate as she waited for the signal to go. As she set off, ducking around the three barrels that were arranged in a clover shape, I fucking held my breath. Cowboy whooped and hollered as she cut up dirt, fucking riding like a bat out of hell. When she began sprinting for the finish line, her legs kicking and reins snapping from side to side, I looked up at the screen to see that her run had put her in first place.

“Fucking A!” Cowboy shouted and turned to go meet Sia. We found her as she dismounted. “Cher!” Cowboy picked Sia up and held her in his arms. My throat tightened at the amount of relief I saw on Sia’s face. When her eyes met mine over Cowboy’s shoulder, I held her gaze. I was fucking proud of the bitch. I nodded, much to her obvious surprise, letting her know it.

The smile she gave me in return almost knocked me on my ass.

“Don’t let Ky see you holding his sis like that, man.” I turned my head to see AK and Viking walking toward us. Flame followed behind, black eyes skitting about the place. All three were dressed in jeans and shirts. No trace of Hangmen allowed—Styx’s orders.

Cowboy released Sia. “She just fucking nailed the race times. Ain’t no one gonna beat that. That deserved a fucking Cowboy hug.”

Sia held up her hand to the trio. “Hey, guys.”

Viking stepped forward. “Bitch, that was one good motherfucking ride.”

“You saw?” she asked, beaming.

“Sure did.” Vike cocked his head to the side. “Inquiring minds wanna know if you can ride that well on other things?”

“Vike,” AK warned.

“What?” Viking complained, arms wide. “Just wanna know if she likes mounting things . . . hard things . . . preferably big wild beasts.”

“Vike,” I heard myself warn as well.

“I do,” Sia said, making my head snap in her direction. Her arms were folded across her chest as she stared Viking down. Or up, considering the massive height difference. “But I’ve never ridden anything yet that’s managed to unseat me.” Her eyes ran up and down the length of him. “Never had anything strong or big enough to overpower the grip of my steel thighs.”

Viking looked at me, then Cowboy, and pointed right in our faces. “We’re swapping duties. Right the fuck now. I’m going home with her. You two are done.”

“Nah,” Sia said, nose-scrunched, looking all kinds of fucking beautiful. “I like these two. They keep me on my toes.” Her blue eyes sparkled, and for a second she reminded me of Ky, all blond, blue eyes, and a fucking cocky attitude to match. But I almost fucking choked when she said, “The two of them together . . .” She shook her head. “Shiiitttt . . . best damn ride of my life.”

My eyes widened. Cowboy burst out laughing. Viking’s mouth dropped open, the brother working it like a damn fish. “They fuck each other, not bitches!” he said, sounding really fucking confused. I rolled my eyes at hearing the same line spill from his mouth as I’d heard a million times before.

Sia walked to Viking and tapped his ’roided-up chest. “Keep believing that, big boy. Whatever helps you sleep at night.” In that moment, I realized just how much Sia had let her guard down around us. She was fun, a fucking spitfire at times. But to me and Cowboy, she’d also shown when she was scared. She’d cried, and she’d been vulnerable.

I thought back on how she was at the club; this Sia, the one who had Viking hounding Cowboy for details on our apparent daily orgies, was what she wanted the brothers to see. A woman not damaged by her absent father and life kept away from the club. Or the woman not so fucking ruined by a man named Garcia that she hadn’t let anyone near her in years. No one was allowed to touch her. Hell, from what I could tell, she had no friends but for the girl she paid to work on the ranch.

Watching her now, strutting past Viking, curvy ass swaying, left eye winking, you’d never know she was so fucking alone.

My chest tightened. Just like me and Cowboy.

I sighed, and then seeing Cowboy was busy shooting the shit with the Psycho Trio, I fell into step beside Sia. She had clearly not expected it to be me, because when she turned her head to face me, she stumbled. I reached out and helped her right her feet.

“Careful, cher,” I said softly and bit my tongue to stop anything else from coming from my mouth.

Sia blinked at me, and then her gaze followed a path down my arm to the hand that was still holding her elbow. She swallowed, and I watched as her cheeks dusted to red. “Th-thank you, Hush.” She stared up at me with those big baby blues.

I pulled my hand back and thrust it into my pocket. Sia carried on walking until we reached the edge of the ring. We arrived just in time to see the final barrel racer sprint around the track. The bitch didn’t even get close to Sia’s time. When Sia saw her name at the top of the , she smiled so fucking wide it almost blocked out the sun.

It was a strange feeling, pride. I never had much of a chance to feel proud of someone before. Cowboy took up for me every day. Would fight anyone that even looked badly at me. But that was just us. How we’d been for so long I never really noticed it anymore.

But right now, I was so full of fucking pride for this bitch who’d swooped into our lives like an eagle riding a hurricane that I couldn’t help but smile.

A second later, Sia’s hand came down on my wrist, and her mouth dropped open in shock. “Hush!” she said dramatically. I fixed my gaze on her. “You can smile!”

I nodded and ran my hand over my shaven head. “Rare, I know. But it happens once every blue moon.”

Sia nudged me with her shoulder. “It suits you, darlin’.” Her eyes dropped, and she kicked the dirt with the toe of her boot. “I wouldn’t mind seeing it a whole lot more.” She threw me a wink. One I knew she’d fucking picked up from Cowboy. “And, you know, you’re kinda hot, more so when you flash those pearly whites in this gal’s direction . . .” My eyes blazed, stomach fucking tightening.

The announcer called out that it was time for the saddle bronc riders. I glanced behind us and saw Cowboy approaching us alone, no sight of AK, Vike, and Flame. Cowboy was almost at where we were stood when someone brushed past him, did a double-take, and then stopped dead. My eyes narrowed, trying to gauge what was happening, when the guy in brown chaps said, “Aubin? Aubin Breaux? Is that you?”

Cowboy’s attention snapped to the guy to his right. The smile he was wearing slipped right off his face. The minute I saw who it was, I was overcome with rage so fucking hot it almost burned me where I stood. My hands shook so fast I actually fucking looked down at my fingers, before curling them into fists. My chest slammed up and down as I lifted my head back to the fucker that had dared fucking speak to Cowboy. I was gonna fucking explode. I was gonna fucking tear him to shreds. I was gonna—

“Hush?” Sia said, putting her hand on my arm. But I couldn’t respond. My heart pounded too fast in my chest as I watched Cowboy recognize the man standing before him. Cowboy’s face flamed as if the devil himself had possessed his body.

Cowboy shot a brief glance my way. I blinked, my narrowed eyes moving to the tattoos peeking out from under the cunt’s collar, his sleeves . . . Tattoos I would recognize anywhere.

I fucking knew it. Knew they’d have gone down that road eventually.

“Fuck, man, where the hell have you been?” Pierre said, speaking like all that shit hadn’t gone down years ago. I told myself to fucking move. I told my fucking legs to run and smash the prick’s nose across his face, but nothing was working. Pure anger stopped anything on my body from fucking working. “You’re in Texas? This is where you disappeared to? I know a lot of shit went down a while back, but we never thought you’d leave town.” Pierre frowned. “Your folks have been looking for you for years.” Cowboy’s mouth opened to say something, but Pierre looked over his shoulder and signaled to someone.

I felt like I was watching a slow-motion movie as a face I never wanted to see again came strutting through the crowd. Cowboy turned. Jase Du Pont stopped as his eyes fell on Cowboy. Then he rushed through the crowd.

Him. That motherfucking cunt.

My body vibrated. I felt Sia’s hand press down harder on my arm, but I couldn’t fucking hear anything she was saying. All I could hear was the blood surging through my ears. All I could see was the fucking red mist descending over my eyes as the mark on my back ignited with fire.

“Aubin?” Jase ran over and took hold of Cowboy’s arm. “Fucking Aubin Breaux!”

Cowboy didn’t reply. Instead his eyes met mine. I knew if I could see clearly, they’d be silently telling me to calm the fuck down. But how could I when these assholes were here? In my fucking home!

“You here competing?” Jase asked, clearly not understanding that Cowboy’s silence meant he was one second from slitting his fucking throat. Because there was no way Cowboy wasn’t close to snapping. He hated these cunts almost as much as I did. “I’m here with my nephew. Just starting out on the youth circuit.” He turned his nose up. “Bit of a shithole competition for you, isn’t it? This what you’re reduced to now? Shitty rodeos in Texas. You were a fucking king of the rodeo once. Better than all of us.”

My blood boiled as I glared at the dark-haired, freckle-skinned prick. My foot moved forward, pure hatred spurring me on. “Hush?” Sia stepped in front of me. But I kept my eyes on him. The one I intended to fucking kill. “What’s wrong? Do you know those men?” Sia’s voice was panicked.

“What the fuck are you doing in Texas, Breaux? And please tell me you no longer have anything to do with that fucking mongrel, right? Fucking bastard ruined your chance at going pro and brainwashed you. Fucking took you away from us, the manipulative cunt. Just like one of them to fuck up a good man’s life.” Jase spat on the floor. Sia sucked in a sharp breath, her head whipping to Jase. Her nails dug into the flesh on my arm. I welcomed the fucking pain it caused. It spurred me the fuck on.

Cowboy’s eyes had slammed to me the minute the asshole’s slur was ejected from his stupid fucking mouth. Jase, trying to see what had caught his old buddy’s attention, swung around . . . and his gaze collided with mine.

My face was stone, my cold eyes locked on his so tightly that I could see a dribble of chewing tobacco escape his mouth at my presence. He spat on the ground again . . . the brown liquid hitting the toe of my boot. “You have to be fucking kidding me!”

He pulled on Cowboy’s arm. But before he could throw another racial slur my way, Cowboy raised his fist, and just like he did back in Louisiana when we were teens, smacked the fucker right in his face. Jase fell to the ground, jumping back up when a bunch of his buddies came running over. Brushing Sia’s hand from my arm, I ran over, breath echoing in my ears, to where he stood. Jase rounded on me the minute I arrived. “You fucking half-breed bastard!” he hissed, then lurched for me. I smashed my fist into his face. Over and over again, letting the bone crack and the flesh split under my knuckles. I fucking unleashed hell, the cunt’s tattoos driving my fucking rage. The mark on my back my fucking fuel.

Only a few seconds later, I heard, “Well, well, what the fuck do we have here, ladies?” Viking’s booming voice carried over the motherfuckers I was gonna take down. For everything they’d done. For those nights they came for me. For that one fucking night they—

“What’s this? Another mongrel lover? You like the white-and-black pollution too, huh?” Jase had barely stopped speaking, stumbling away from me, blood drowning his fucking ugly face, when Flame jumped forward and knocked the fucker out.

“No!” I screamed, about to throw Flame out of the way when AK yanked on my shirt. Blood dripped from my lip from where a stray punch had landed on my mouth.

“Get her the fuck home,” AK said. I fought to get free from his hold, needing to get to Jase. Needing to finish what he’d started long ago. Needing that fucker to feel what he had made me feel time after time after time, until the night when I went to hell and never fucking came back.

But AK held tight to me, grabbing my throat until I couldn’t fucking breathe. Viking dragged Cowboy away too, Flame taking his place slamming his fists into the racist bastards.

“I mean it! Get her the fuck home now! Last thing we need is to draw a fucking crowd.” AK pushed us away and toward Sia. Cowboy kept looking back at the dicks he’d grown up with, his “rodeo buddies.”

I only saw them as dead men walking. I wanted to go back. Needed to fucking end them all . . . I turned to see AK glaring at me. Flame and Viking were walking away from the mostly beaten men, a crowd beginning to form around those on the floor. These fuckers were like kings at these things. I didn’t care. I couldn’t give a shit what happened to me. I pulled my knife from my boot, then—

“Cowboy! Hush!” Sia cried out, stopping me dead. I turned to see her still standing, face ghost-white, against the fence. My hand tightened on the handle of my knife. I saw Jase’s eyes slam to mine through the crowd. Then the fucker smiled, and I—

“We need to go,” Cowboy said, moving into my path. I was panting, fucking breathing all over the fucking place as I just let my anger control me, giving Hades himself permission to fucking take these assholes down once and for all. “Val!” Cowboy spat, face red. “We need to fucking go!” Cowboy’s eyes fell to someone behind me. I followed his gaze, and saw Sia . . . fucking scared to all hell. Eyes wide as she watched me, knife in hand. “Don’t let her see this shit,” Cowboy said just for my ears.

My body shook from my toes to my head. Throwing my head back, I screamed out my frustration, the sound sailing over the small rodeo ground. Closing my eyes, I took a long breath, then put my knife in my belt. I turned to Sia and took hold of her hand, pulling her behind us. I started running. Cowboy took her other hand, and we pushed through the waiting competitors. Cowboy slid into the truck. He opened the window as me and Sia climbed inside, and shouted to Clara, who was waiting by the trailer. “Drive the horse back to the ranch. We’re leaving.”

Clara looked confused but did as he said. Cowboy gunned out of the competitors’ parking lot. He pulled out onto the road and started heading for the ranch. My leg slammed up and down. My blood was rushing through my veins at the speed of fucking light. I couldn’t calm down. I just kept seeing those cunts in my head. All the shit they’d done . . . their fucking tattoos.

Their motherfucking white power tattoos.

“What the hell happened?” Sia asked, clearly shaken up if her voice was anything to go by. Her hand was trembling as she put it to my face. I snapped my head back and watched her eyes fill with tears. “Hush . . . the things they said to you . . .” She tried to take my hand, but I pulled away. She couldn’t right now. I was losing my shit. I needed to calm down. But the minute I thought of that asshole calling me a fucking mongrel, a fucking half-breed, everything I had fought so hard to try to put behind me came rushing to the surface.

It was like I was sixteen again. The fucking target they messed and toyed with for fucking fun until it had ruined my motherfucking life.

“Calm down, Val,” Cowboy ordered from the driver’s seat. My eyes shot to him, and all I could think of were the times when he would be with them. Laughing at me, watching them punch me to the ground.

Turning to Sia, I hissed, “Ask Cowboy who they were.”

The cab was silent. Only broken when Cowboy warned, “Don’t. Don’t fucking do this, Val.”

But I couldn’t stop. I knew what he had done for me. I knew he walked away from all that shit back there and chose me. Fuck, he left his parents after it all happened . . . when I lost them . . . when I fucking fell apart . . . but I couldn’t calm down. All I could see were their white-power tattoos; all I could hear were the fucking racist slurs that fell out of their mouths as easily as breathing. Them, living in their rich-ass mansions, riding their horses, strutting around town like they were motherfucking gods. While we struggled and scrimped, until . . . until—

Cowboy stopped the truck out front of Sia’s house. I slammed out of the door, ignoring the dizziness I was beginning to feel. I moved right then left, unsure how to get these fucking feelings of rage from my head. “Hush.” I saw Sia, hands over her mouth, watching me from the side of the truck.

Cowboy approached me. “Val. I’m fucking serious. Calm down. You’re losing it. It’s fucking dangerous!” Cowboy lurched for me and began dragging me into the house. I heard Sia running behind us.

“Cowboy! Stop! You’ll hurt him!”

But Cowboy didn’t stop until he put my ass down on the couch. It was the only time I ever saw him this serious. When I got like this. His hands pressed down on my shoulders. “Calm, brother. Please . . . just calm the fuck down.” I saw him flick a worried glance to Sia, who was watching, face pale and bewildered, from the door. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t fucking sit still. I threw his hands away and got to my feet.

Cowboy tried to come for me, but I pushed my hand out. Dizziness this time made me reach out for something to stop me from falling. I tasted that familiar metallic taste in my mouth. I turned to see Cowboy moving for me, Sia crying . . . but my eyes rolled back, then it all went black.

*****

 

“Cowboy! Please, let me get a doctor!” A thick fog clouded my head, a storm raging in my mind as the sound of voices drifted into my ears.

“No, cher,” Cowboy’s voice replied. “He don’t need one.”

I slipped away again. The next time I returned, the sounds in the room were stronger. My eyes felt heavy as I tried to open them. My arms and legs felt like ten-ton weights.

“Val?” Hands moved to my face. “Val, I’m here.” I recognized Cowboy’s voice. I breathed and breathed until the weights in my eyes lessened enough for me to open my eyelids. My vision was blurred at first, but then everything started to clear.

“Val?” Cowboy’s face came into view. I blinked in the room, my head spaced and my body exhausted. I was lying on my side, a pillow under my head. Cowboy was his on knees. His hand was on my head. “Hey, mon frère,” he said, and I took a deep breath. I squinted my eyes, trying to remember what the hell had happened.

I couldn’t remember. Everything was lost to the thick fog I couldn’t clear from my head. I tried to move, but my arms were too weak. My mouth was dry. I licked my tongue out along my lips, and then I heard her.

“Here.” Footsteps came near me and someone lowered themselves to the floor. Jeans were the first thing I saw . . . then I felt a hand press against my cheek. It was trembling. I looked up and saw a beautiful face staring down at me.

Elysia, a break in my mind told me.

Sia.

“Hey, darlin’,” she whispered and ran her fingertips along my cheek. They were shaking. Something in my chest cracked when tears began falling from her eyes.

“He’s good, cher,” Cowboy said. Sia’s eyes squeezed closed. Her breathing hitched, punching a hole into my damn heart. Cowboy’s hand came down on her shoulder. “He’ll be thirsty. He always is afterwards.”

Sia opened her eyes and pulled herself together. Nodding, she shuffled closer to me and placed her hand under my head. I wanted to do it myself, but I had no fucking energy to move. “I . . . I . . .” She looked up at Cowboy.

“He’s not hurt, cher. Just tired. You won’t hurt him by lifting his head.” I listened to Cowboy instruct Sia as though I were watching from a distance. Not present enough to speak or help myself or fucking do anything but let her soft hands touch my skin, the warmth from her palm taking away the coldness that had blanketed my body.

Sia shuffled closer still. She lifted my head from the pillow and onto her lap. I exhaled a long breath, feeling her body heat act as a fire to the muscles and bones that were beginning to ache. My body was shaking. The aftermath of what I now realized was a seizure.

My consciousness began to clear, second by second bringing me back to the here and now. My eyes rolled to look up at Sia, who had simply been stroking my head for a few minutes. When my eyes connected with hers, she gave me a watery smile, then, fucking stealing every ounce of breath I held within my lungs, lowered her head and pressed her lips against mine.

Everything inside me told me to push her away, to move and refuse her help. But I didn’t move. I didn’t even try. I was so fucking tired of running from everyone who tried to know me better . . . I was so fucking tired, period. So I just closed my eyes and let her comfort me. Let the hands I had wanted on me for too long run down my cheeks. And let the lips I had wanted on mine press all over my skin—the color of which was so different to hers.

And I let myself accept that she now knew. She knew what I hid. What should stop me from riding. “Drink, baby,” she said softly. My eyes opened to focus on her face. Sia tilted my head up. She brought the glass to my lips, and I sighed, feeling the cold liquid run down my dry throat. I never moved my eyes from Sia’s. Her lips shook as she helped me drink. When she lowered the glass, I looked over her shoulder to see Cowboy standing against the wall, watching. His arms were crossed over his chest. I couldn’t read his face. But I thought he looked . . . relieved?

“That better, darlin’?” Sia asked. I couldn’t find the strength to speak, but I could finally move my head a fraction. I nodded.

“Let’s get you on the couch,” Cowboy said. My best friend came and lifted me off the floor. This wasn’t unfamiliar. I’d lost count of how many times Cowboy had had to do this over the years. It was why I couldn’t ever fucking let him go.

Why he never walked away.

He moved me to the couch next to the fire. He knew I got cold afterward. Cowboy pulled a blanket over me and turned to start the fire. Sia had beaten him to it. I watched her, numbly, as she piled the logs in the open hearth. I flinched when the fire began to rise, the orange-and-red flames licking at the logs, crackling as they attacked the bark. Cowboy slipped to sit beside me. His hand went to my shoulder and squeezed. I didn’t look at him. Too busy fucking battling the lump in my throat and the memories I had no energy to fight.

My eyes lost focus in the flames, and like they did every time, voices began screaming in my mind . . . loud, agonized screams . . .

I jumped forward, trying to get up the stairs to the front door. Fire lashed at my arms, scalding the skin.

“I can’t find a way in!” Aubin shouted . . . and then I heard it.

“VALAN!” I snapped my head back and looked up at the attic . . . and my whole world fractured apart . . .

I was ripped from the memory by a thumb on my cheek. I moved my eyes to Sia and saw her face was pale, distraught. Her eyes were bleeding tears. “Hush . . . baby . . . what is it?” Cowboy was sitting on the opposite chair now. He met my eyes and gave me an understanding smile. He knew what memory always came back to haunt me after these episodes. My brother had lived it with me. Been right by my side.

It’s why he’ll never let you go, a voice in my head told me. And I knew, no matter how much I pushed him away, he would never leave. We’d gone through too much.

“Darlin’?” I focused again on Sia’s sweet Texan voice. “Sleep. You look so tired.” Giving up the fight, I let her soft voice guide my eyes closed, feeling her hand on my cheek and her lips press again on my mouth.

And, giving me more peace than she would ever know, she took away that night from my head. Took away the sadness that consumed me as completely as those flames had consumed the brittle wooden house we once called home. And she soothed me to sleep.

Nightmare free.

For the first time in years.

Happily numb.