chapter NINETEEN
~ 1968 ~
SATURDAY, JANUARY 6, 1968
I wonder if I’ll hear from Curtis. He should be receiving my letter soon. I’m scared that he’ll be mad, but I don’t regret sending it. I need him to know how much he hurt me. The fact that he volunteered to stay without talking to me first is the worst part. We’re married. That’s what married people are supposed to do. Talk to one another.
On top of that, I was talking to one of my friends, and she said that her brother calls often, and he even has come home while he’s been enlisted. Curtis told me he couldn’t. Maybe that’s true, but I know he could’ve called me a lot more than he has. It hurts to know that he is purposely pushing me away, but I don’t know how to talk to him about it.
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 14, 1968
This might just be the worst Valentine’s Day ever. I haven’t heard from Curtis since the last letter that I sent. Mrs. Walker said she hasn’t heard from him, either, but she has assured me that he is okay. Apparently Gerald is calling and sending letters even though Curtis isn’t. But at least now I know that it isn’t because he isn’t capable. He just doesn’t want to. My heart hurts.
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 17, 1968
Daddy died today. I’m told he got kicked in the head by a horse while he was working on the ranch. Killed him instantly. I’m not sure how I feel about that yet. Kathy came over to tell me. She was very upset. I couldn’t even cry when she told me. I haven’t seen him since the day Curtis and I got married four and a half years ago. I’ve seen Momma a few times, but I don’t go over there when Daddy’s home. Now, I guess I’ll never get that chance.
Letter from Curtis:
June 15, 1968
Lorrie,
I’m not sure if you want to hear from me, but I’m writing this letter anyway. I have some things I have to tell you, things I’ve been bottling up inside for a while now.
Baby, I know you’re upset with me, and I can’t blame you. When I received your letter, I dropped to my knees and cried. Knowing that I hurt you crushed me. I never meant to. I never wanted to let you down. I’ve been trying to figure out how I can say this, how I can tell you without upsetting you, but there’s no easy way, so I’m just going to get it out there.
When I signed up for the Army, I didn’t do it because I wanted to serve my country or because Gerald encouraged me to do the right thing. I did it in order to put some distance between us, but I suspect you know that now. For the sixteen months we were married before I left, things were a little uncomfortable. I wanted to believe it was the newness of it all, but I don’t think that was it. Although we both smiled and laughed, I knew deep down that you were too young for marriage. But I don’t regret marrying you. In fact, I would do it all over again in a heartbeat because I’m selfish like that. Especially when it comes to you.
You are the reason I breathe. The reason my heart beats. I will go to the ends of the earth to make you happy. I hope you know that. Not hearing your voice, not seeing your beautiful face… Those are the things that tear me up each and every day. But I can still hear you crying on the phone when I did call, and your tears have the power to break me. You are my only weakness, Lorrie. I knew I couldn’t do what needed to be done, knowing that you were so upset.
And when I volunteered to stay on a little while longer, it really was because I couldn’t bear to leave my fellow soldiers when they needed me most. It damn near killed me to agree, but I knew it was the right thing to do.
I am ready to come home, Lorrie. I am ready to come home and be the husband that you deserve. But what I need you to know is that I need you in every way. You told me in your letter that you were ready to make love to me. I’ve been away from you for a long time. My desire for you has intensified to the point I can hardly sleep, hardly eat when I think about coming back to you. I need to be able to bury myself inside your sweet body for the first time, to hold you in my arms, to feel your skin against mine. The only thing I think about is sinking deep inside you and never leaving. And that is why I put these years between us. I wanted to give you time to grow up the way you deserved.
But since I’m being brutally honest, I want you to know that when I come home, I do plan to make love to you. Day and night. Until I’ve had my fill. And I’m warning you, baby, I will never get enough of you. Never.
I love you.
Curtis
SATURDAY, JUNE 1, 1968
Mrs. Walker took me shopping today. It felt a little strange, but it was fun at the same time. I hated that she insisted on spending money on me, but she told me it was my money, not hers. She went on to explain that Curtis had made sure I had whatever money I needed, but he’d also warned her that I would never ask for anything unless it was a necessity. It’s true.
But today, I got some new dresses and a new hat, and Mrs. Walker convinced me to buy some shorts. They’re so cute, and I can’t wait to wear them. For the past few years, I’ve made a few dresses, but it’s not the same as buying one on the rack. I still won’t get used to anyone spending money on me like that, no matter where the money comes from.
I did, however, splurge a little. I bought Curtis a Zippo lighter. Mrs. Walker explained that I could get it engraved, so I decided to do that. I’ve always remembered those words he said, so I had them put on the lighter. “You are my love that lasts a lifetime.” I hope he’ll like it. Mrs. Walker actually had a tear when I told her what I wanted it to say. I miss him so much.
TUESDAY, JULY 23, 1968
Funny how I can be so angry and so hurt but one letter changes everything. One letter makes my heart soar once again. The things Curtis said to me… They weren’t what I expected to hear from him, but I cherished every single word. I still blush when I reread the letter because I know exactly how he feels. I feel the same way. Maybe it has been the time apart that has made me want him so much, but I can’t change that, and I don’t want to. More than that, I don’t want to hide how I feel for him. I never want to turn into my mother. I never want to be the type of woman who serves a man. I want to be Curtis’s equal in every way. I want to love him the way he deserves to be loved. And that is exactly what I intend to do when he comes home.
I only hope he knows what he’s getting himself into because I’m no longer the girl he left behind. I’m no longer scared of what he makes me feel. The war has made him grow up, but it’s made me grow up, too.
It won’t change the fact that Curtis went to the Army to put space between us, but in an odd way, it makes sense. Still, I’m going to let this husband of mine know that if he expects our marriage to work, communication is the key. It’s no longer only up to him. He doesn’t get to make these decisions for both of us anymore.