Chapter Fifteen
Lily
I sat back in a chair in the waiting room at my therapist’s office, daydreaming of everything Jackson and I had done in the last few weeks since we began our sexual relationship. It wasn’t hard to hide it from the world. We never did anything at the campaign office; we kept things strictly professional there. As for my father, I kept telling him I was staying at a friend’s house after late nights working, and he was barely ever home to notice I wasn’t there anyway. I knew he never looked across the field to Jackson’s house to see me slipping in and out of the place, because it probably brought back bad memories for him.
So our taboo, clandestine relationship was safe for now. And speaking of safe…I’d never felt safer and more protected than I did when I was wrapped up in Jackson’s arms in his bed. On his countertop. In his shower. Everywhere, really. A lot of my female friends had lost their virginities to guys our age, and none of them had positive stories. Alexandra, for instance, had slept with her boyfriend at seventeen, and she’d reported that it was painful and over before she even began to feel any pleasure. The other stories I heard were much the same. But my first time with Jackson, an older man who knew what he was doing…well, it was nothing short of perfect.
He’d introduced me to all sorts of things since then—different positions, different ways of coming. He’d taught me how to pleasure him, how to suck his cock just right, how to squeeze my muscles down on him when he came just to make it that much more intense. And yet he still said this was just the start. There was more.
Much, much more.
I wondered what it was. What it could even be at this point. A small part of me suspected it had something to do with the locked room in his house; the one across from the bathroom and next to the spare room where I’d stayed that first night. When I’d asked him about it, he’d given me an evasive answer about it being a home office—I knew it wasn’t, because the home office was downstairs—and that made me think it was the room that held his toy box…the toy box he mentioned in that note he sent with the toy the other week.
Yes, that had to be it. His toy room.
“Lily? Dr. Steinberg will see you now.”
I glanced up at the receptionist’s voice, briefly smiling as I gathered up my things before heading into my therapist’s office.
“Lily, I’m glad to see you again,” Dr. Steinberg said as she motioned for me to take a seat. “I’m sorry I was booked out so far in advance.”
“It’s okay,” I replied. “I’ve been really busy with my internship. Lucky it’s a paid position so I could afford another session.”
I gave her a tight smile, and she nodded. “So tell me, have you been doing the homework I gave you last time we spoke?” she asked. “Are you any closer to figuring out who the mystery man in your dream could be?”
I shook my head. I hadn’t had so much as a two-second vaguely bad dream since I started sleeping with Jackson. I felt safe knowing he was in my life, and I guess that translated over into my fertile sleeping imagination. All I had now were good dreams; dreams of him. Dreams of him protecting me and chasing away all the demons. That’s what a good man did. That’s what a good daddy did.
“I still have no idea who he is,” I said. “Maybe you were right. Maybe my imagination just came up with it. His voice, his words. Everything. But…”
She leaned forward, pen poised over her notebook. “Yes?”
“I’ve been doing some soul-searching,” I began. In a manner of speaking, I added silently. “I also think you were right about me being there that day, but not being responsible. For Jenna’s murder, that is. See, my mom wrote me a letter recently, and she told me why she did it. So unless she’s just covering for me or something, then she’s definitely the one who killed Jenna.”
Dr. Steinberg’s eyebrows shot up. “Your mother wrote to you?”
“Yes.”
I outlined the letter to her, and she frowned. “Lily, that letter needs to go to the police.”
“I know. Already handed it in a while ago. They said they’ll do something called forensic document analysis to see if they can find out things like where the paper was purchased, and so on. It’s a very long shot but it might help them track her down.”
Dr. Steinberg eyed me for a second. “Do you want them to track her down, Lily?”
“Of course.”
“Why?” she asked.
Why? Wasn’t it obvious? I hesitated, then spoke up. “She needs to face prosecution for what she did. That’s why.”
“But you also miss her deeply, Lily. I know you do. You want to see her again. Talk to her. Feel like you have a mother again, even if it’s just for a minute.”
“I guess.”
She crossed her legs. “Let’s talk about what else is on your mind. I can tell there’s something.”
I sighed. “Um. Okay. Well, there’s this woman at my internship. Kaye. She’s Jackson’s exec assistant, and she’s in charge of supervising me and giving me work to do. She’s a total bitch to me. I love the internship, really, but when she’s around…ugh. Gets on my nerves. And there’s just something dodgy about her.”
“Dodgy? How so?”
“Well, she’s clearly obsessed with Jackson. I don’t know how he doesn’t see it,” I said. Honestly, Kaye was always mooning over him in the office and staring at him with sex-eyes when he wasn’t looking, and god…it really bothered me. “I think she’d do absolutely anything for a chance to be with him,” I added.
I stopped there, but part of me wondered just how far Kaye would go to get Jackson.
Dr. Steinberg leaned forward, a grin on her face.
“Why are you smiling?” I asked, shifting in my seat uncomfortably.
“Because I can see right through you, Lily. You’re talking about this minor issue with Kaye’s conduct toward you in the workplace to deflect from the real issue. The real issue you have with Kaye is her feelings toward your boss, Jackson. You’re jealous that she has a crush on him….because you also have feelings for him. Am I right?”
I shifted nervously again. “You’re not allowed to tell people what I tell you, are you?” I asked hesitantly. “Like some patient confidentiality thing?”
She nodded. “Yes, that’s right. You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to, of course, but the more you tell me about your life and feelings right now, the more I can help.”
“Okay. Well, you’re right. I do have feelings for Jackson.”
She nodded. “Older male, in a position of power. And he’s handsome, too. I’ve seen him in the senator’s race posters, and I also saw him talk at a conference once. I’d say it’s perfectly natural to have a little crush, Lily.”
“That’s the thing. It’s not just a crush.”
She raised her brows again. “Oh?”
“We’re…we’re involved.”
“I see.”
“I guess I’ve been a bit confused about it. It can’t last, can it? He’s probably about to become a senator, if he wins the election. And he’s twenty years older than me. We can’t hide ‘us’ forever, so either we come clean or end it one day. And I doubt coming clean is really even an option.”
“That may be true. This is something you’d need to discuss with him, Lily.”
I widened my eyes. “So you don’t think it’s weird that we’re together?”
“It’s not my place to judge. It’s my place to try and help you, Lily. Any issues you have, you can discuss with me.”
I nodded. “Okay, well, there’s more. Jackson and I…um….we’re into some kinda weird stuff. He likes to call me his ‘little girl’, and he likes me to call him ‘sir’ or ‘daddy’. In a sexual way. And I…I like it too.”
I had to give Dr. Steinberg credit for not even blinking. She did a damn good poker face when she wanted to. “Again, this isn’t exactly ‘weird’ as you called it,” she said. “Lily, let me tell you something about sex. It’s not all ‘missionary every Tuesday at nine P.M. with the lights out like some puritans would have you believe.”
I giggled at that, and she kept going. “Humans exist on a very, very wide spectrum of sexualities. It’s actually a very common fantasy for women to want older, powerful men. It makes them feel submissive and dominated in a sexual way, which they crave, and also simultaneously protected and taken care of. I’d say it’s one of the most common sexual things my patients come to me with—this guilt over wanting something like that. But your sex life doesn’t have to be connected to the rest of your life. Just because you like to be submissive in the bedroom doesn’t mean you are weak and submissive in real life. You can be a strong young woman down at the office and still enjoy a strong man dominating you in the bedroom. Is that what you’ve been worried about, Lily?”
I bit my lower lip. She kept saying the word ‘submissive’, and god, she was right. I loved submitting to Jackson. Loved having him pin me down to the bed while he screwed me senseless.
“Maybe,” I said with a nod. “But I wondered if I have….um…daddy issues. I always hear people accusing other girls of that when they gossip. And you know how my father hasn’t exactly been around much since Mom left us. So maybe that caused it.”
“I don’t think you have daddy issues, Lily.”
“You have to admit I have a few mommy issues, though,” I said with a dry laugh.
Dr. Steinberg smiled at that. “That actually brings us back around to our usual topic of discussion.”
“How?” I asked.
“From what you’ve told me, there is only one major thing I would be concerned about in your current relationship. And that’s whether or not you are being taken advantage of. Jackson isn’t just an older man, Lily. He’s an older man whose old girlfriend was murdered by your mother. Yes, it was a long time ago. He could very well have moved on from that grief and trauma. But do you think there’s a chance he might—”
“Might want revenge on our family for what Mom did to Jenna?” I cut in. Then I shook my head firmly. “No. It’s not like that. Not at all. He isn’t sleeping with me to mess with my family. He’s….he has real feelings for me. I can tell.”
And just like that, I had the answer I’d really been seeking. Deep down, I’d been wondering how strongly Jackson felt for me, and now I knew. He’d made it obvious all along. He hadn’t said it yet, but I was sure he was falling for me.
Just like I’d already fallen for him.