BETH
I did good. Me, Beth Risk—I did a good deed. I would have made a great fucking Girl Scout and I so would have scored the Reunite Your Jock-Sorta-Boyfriend with His Jock-Gay-Brother badge. If they don’t make those, they seriously should. Ryan will look back in twenty years and not think of the girl that left in the dead of night. Nope, he’ll remember the girl that gave him back his brother.
I stare up at the gray clouds moving across the sky. Ryan and I lie on the banks of a large pond located on the back end of his father’s property. Just like everything else about Ryan, this spot is perfect. This day is perfect.
Propped up on an elbow, Ryan tucks a stray hair behind my ear, causing a warming tickle to caress my neck. I’m going to enjoy myself today. I’m going to laugh. I’m going to smile. I’m going to drop the chains that drag me down. Ryan’s a great guy and for some reason, he’s really into me. Or better, he’s really into the mirage he’s created.
“You’re beautiful,” he says.
“So are you.” He truly is. I reach up and take the baseball cap he’s been wearing backward off his head. He’s hot with his hat on. He’s gorgeous with it off. His mop of sandy hair blows with the breeze.
When I release the cap from my grasp, Ryan twines his strong hand with mine. Strong is an understatement. This hand can make a ball fly faster than most cars will ever go. His hand on my skin can make warmth curl in very private areas of my body.
“So…” Ryan says as he glances away and attempts to look nonchalant. I know what’s eating him. On the way back from Lexington, he gave me more of his zombie story to read. Waiting for my thoughts drives him insane. “I think George and Olivia will end up together.”
Five minutes. He couldn’t go five minutes outside his Jeep without asking. I try to keep from smiling, but I fail miserably. He catches it and his forehead furrows. “What?”
I shrug. “You’re cute when you’re anxious.”
“I’m not anxious.”
“I like it about you.” I like everything about Ryan. “The story was fabulous. Really. I’m sucked in when I read it, but I have to disagree with you. George and Olivia will not end up together.”
“Why not?”
“They live in two different worlds and they’re sort of two different creatures. I mean—he’s a zombie and she isn’t.”
“But he loves her,” he says doggedly. “And she loves him.”
“George is going to walk away from becoming the leader of his zombie friends for her?” I ask. “Come on, you have him wanting to be the leader so badly that he crossed his best friend for the title. And do you honestly believe Olivia is going to walk away from her family for him?”
“Her family sucks.” Ryan grins as if he won.
My stomach hurts like someone stabbed me. “Yeah, but it’s still her family. I don’t think I could like her if she walked away. What does that say about a person?”
“I think it says she’s willing to live her own life.”
Overhead, honking Canadian geese fly in a V formation and head south for the winter. That’ll be me soon, but will I feel as free as they look? “I think it says she’s selfish. How can she walk away from her dad? He needs her.”
“He uses her,” says Ryan.
I shrug again, not a fan of conversations that go nowhere. Ryan loosens his grip on my hand and begins to trace the ribbon tied to my wrist. He’s nervous and something deep within me nudges that it’s not about the story. “What’s going on?”
My anxiety level increases as Ryan continues to outline the ribbon.
“I want us to be permanent,” he says. “I don’t like the idea of you dating other guys.”
Panic seizes my chest and I feel suddenly claustrophobic. I’m leaving. Soon. As soon as Mom gets the car out of impoundment. A clamminess invades my hands and I immediately roll away from Ryan. I need air. Lots and lots of air.
I stumble to the edge of the pond and catch myself before I plummet down the two-foot ledge into the water. Catfish swim near the surface. I can’t get rid of the chains, no matter how hard I try. Today was supposed to be the one day I didn’t feel like I was drowning.
“What’s wrong?” Ryan asks from behind me.
“Nothing,” I say.
“Beth.” He stops, then starts again. “I really care for you and I was hoping you felt the same way.”
A single drop of rain hits the pond and ripples break onto the smooth water. He can’t have feelings for me. He can’t. Liking me is one thing—feeling is another. It doesn’t fit with the plan. No. This isn’t how it was supposed to go.
I knead my hands against my eyes. Fuck, Beth, how did you think this was going to go? You knew you were falling for him, but he wasn’t supposed to fall for you. His words make everything real. Too real. I spin around and spit out the accusation that has become my mantra. “Guys like you don’t fall for girls like me.”
“What? I can’t fall for pretty girls with smart mouths?”
He doesn’t get it. “I’m a whore.”
Ryan’s head flinches as if I slapped him. Pretending I don’t care what he thinks about me, I jut out my chin. Fairy tales happen, just not to me. Time to tell the prince he rescued the wrong girl.
“Two years ago, the guy every girl dreamed about spent an entire summer making me feel special. A week before school started, he told me he loved me, and I gave him my virginity. When school began, he told his friends I was a slut.”
Ryan reaches out and I lean away. Some pain isn’t meant to be shared. I was the idiot who believed Luke. I was the one who honestly thought I was special enough to be loved.
“He took advantage of you.” An undercurrent of anger surges in his voice. “That doesn’t make you a whore, that makes him an asshole.”
He’s missing the point. “I drink. I smoke pot. Before I came to Groveton, I was high all the time. I am not the girl you want to be permanent with. You don’t see me for who I am.”
“I know you turned down the chance to smoke pot on Saturday. I know the rumors at school say you’ve turned down the guys who smoke that shit endlessly. I know that you walk a straighter line than most of the kids at school. This is a small town, Beth. You can’t breathe without someone knowing. I don’t know who you pretended to be in Louisville, but I see the girl you really are now.”
The way he stares at me—it’s as if he doesn’t even see the outside anymore. His eyes pierce me as if he can see my soul and the thought terrifies me. He can’t fall for me. He can’t. “Do you think you’re the only guy I’ve made out with because I wanted to feel something?”
“I was different,” he says with confidence.
I swallow, look away, and lie, “No, you weren’t.”
Ryan steps toward me and I step back. He’s not reacting like he should. Ryan should be disgusted by me. He should be walking away, not coming closer. Hope lights his face. “You are the one person who can have an entire conversation with someone and stare straight into their eyes and never blink. That is, unless you’re lying. Look me in the eye and tell me the truth. You fell for me that night in the barn.”
My eyes dart to his and I curse internally when he smiles. “That’s why you bolted.”
How can someone experience so much joy when I’m in so much agony? Doesn’t he understand we aren’t going to work?
“You felt something for me and you didn’t want to. You wanted a mindless hookup, but it blew up in your face.”
I can see the memory of the night playing in his eyes, and my chest aches. He’s on the verge of figuring it out. His eyebrows shoot up. “You bolted when I whispered your name. You felt something for me right then, didn’t you?”
My head shakes back and forth as I whisper, “No.”
Relief softens his face and a hint of hope lifts his lips. “You’re falling for me like I’m falling for you. That’s why you’re pushing me so hard.”
“Leave me alone!” Filled with the need to flee, I turn. If I run fast enough, I can leave behind the awful memories of my past and Ryan’s beautiful words can never wind their way into my soul. I step into air. My heart races to my throat as I fall forward. The pond. Terrified of the water, I scream. Strong arms weave around my waist and pull me to solid ground.
I lean my back into Ryan’s chest and clutch his arms. My fingernails dig into his skin like hooks. If I fall in, I’m going to drown. The weights upon me are too heavy to stay afloat. My only option is to sink.
I suck in a few breaths and after I take one longer one, Ryan lowers his head to my ear. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.”
“You’re shaking. Fine doesn’t mean you shake.”
“I can’t swim, but I’m fine now.”
“You can’t swim,” he repeats.
“No.” A drop of rain lands on my head and slithers down my scalp. “We should go.” The day is ruined. “It’s going to rain.”
Ryan loosens his grip on me and within seconds, he sweeps me into the air and cradles me against his chest. My face is devastatingly close to his. I blink several times. “What are you doing?”
Instead of answering, he jumps into the pond.
Dizziness overcomes me and my blood pressure tanks. Water rises and smacks my face, my hair, my clothing. My arms strangle his neck. I’m going to drown. “Ryan!”
“I’ve got you,” he says in a calm tone. “You’re okay.”
He wades deeper into the cold water. Gravity calls for me to slide out of his arms and become constrained by the water below. I’ll suffocate with my eyes open. My hold on him tightens. “Take me back!”
Water penetrates my shoes, my jeans, the back of my shirt. It pours over my stomach and I grow heavier and heavier. Cold wetness teases my skin—calling out a hateful, mimicking laugh. I bury my head in the crook of his neck. I don’t want to die. I don’t.
He stops and whispers into my ear, “Look at me.”
I don’t have the strength to lift my head. Instead, I ease it to his shoulder and open my eyes.
“I’m going to teach you how to float.”
I tighten my grip. “You’re going to kill me.”
“Trust me.”
“I can’t,” I whisper. I trusted Scott, my mother, and my father. I trusted Luke, my aunt, and Isaiah. All people who left me. All people who faded into darkness. My heart has been ripped multiple times and each time I repaired it on my own. I know my limits and if someone rips me apart again, I’ll never find the strength to pick up the pieces.
An intensity warms his brown eyes and he gently hugs my body to his. “You can.”
I suck in a breath. Ryan’s doing it. He’s giving me the same look Chris gives Lacy. The same look Noah gives Echo. Maybe I can. My heart thunders as I reach up and grab the hair curling near the base of Ryan’s neck. “Don’t drop me.”
“I won’t.” Ryan’s voice is so soothing—so confident—I almost believe him. Maybe I can believe him. He won’t drop me. He’ll hold me. He swore it.
“It’s time to let go,” he says.
One breath. Another. He won’t let me go. I loosen my grip and Ryan immediately lowers his arms. Water floods over my body and laps against his chest. My head snaps up and I kick and splash to stay above water. Panic commands my lungs. He’s taller than me, which means I wouldn’t be able to stand in the water. “Take me back.”
Ryan lowers his forehead to mine. His warm breath fans over my face. “I will never let you go.”
He won’t let me go. He won’t. “Okay.”
Ryan skims his nose along my cheek and goose bumps rise on my neck. He pulls his head back. I fight the urge to cling to him. Ryan said he wouldn’t drop me and he won’t. He won’t.
My hair becomes weightless in the water and licks my cheeks. Ryan’s strong arms reaffirm his promise to me. “Tilt your head back,” he says.
I inhale and do as he asks. Water enters my ears and my muscles flinch with fear. Ryan keeps his firm hold. “Spread your arms to your sides and arch your back. Let your legs float.”
As I slowly follow instructions, Ryan steps from me. I jerk toward him. “Ryan!”
He shakes his head. “I’m not letting go. I’m giving you room. Keep your head tilted back.”
Head tilted back. Arms and legs spread out. My pulse throbs in my ears. Ryan’s voice is muffled, but I can read his lips. “Relax. Breathe.”
Relax. Head tilted back. Arms and legs spread out. Breathe. I stare at the clouds overhead and the trees hanging over the pond. Relax. Head tilted back. Arms and legs spread out. Breathe.
A pair of birds circle in the sky. It’s a playful dance. They spread their wings and let the gentle wind pull them up and over. Down and around. God, I wish I was free. I wish I was a bird floating in the breeze. I close my eyes and pretend I’m a bird. My muscles melt. The water makes a rhythmic swishing melody in my ears. Away and near. Away and near.
I’m a bird—floating on the breeze. A gentle nudge in the back of my mind whispers that I know this feeling. I’ve owned this feeling for years. This feeling of drifting, swaying, floating. I’m floating. Through the water I hear Ryan’s sweet muffled voice: “You’re doing it.”
I open my eyes and see that glorious smile on his lips. The smile that is for me. Me alone. I go to smile back and I realize I already am. I’m smiling. My stomach clenches and the chains return. Oh God, no. I’ve fallen in love with him. I’ve done it. I’ve given him power over me.