1
MALORY
I stood in Gareth's luxurious shower as the deluge of warm water soothed the aching muscles in my shoulders, but didn't manage to calm my racing thoughts at all. Gareth had just skillfully given me my first experience with a crop, and then some of the most amazing sex of my life. And while I should have been basking in the afterglow, all I could think about were the words that I'm sure he almost said to me. In the heat of passion, just before we both released, I clearly heard him say, "I love...I love..." without finishing his sentence with the last word that would have meant the world to me even as it scared the crap out of me.
Mere minutes before, with my hands cuffed above my head and my body willingly at his mercy, I'd been struck with the terrifying and glorious realization that I was in love with him, and now I needed to know if he really did feel the same. Otherwise, I'd drive myself insane worrying and fretting over it. I needed to know the truth, even if asking him took every ounce of courage I could muster. I know what I heard. I didn't imagine it, and maybe confronting him would push him to admit it.
I let out a deep sigh and turned off the water. I dried off slowly, trying to ignore the panic fluttering through my chest. I spent more time than was necessary toweling my hair dry as I gathered my courage around me like a cloak of armor. If I didn't do this, I knew I would regret it. With a final encouraging nod at myself in the mirror, I forced myself to walk out of the bathroom.
I came out to see Gareth just entering the bedroom after returning from taking his black German Shepherd, Reggie, out for a quick walk. He stopped in his tracks as his eyes drifted appreciatively down my body. A long moment passed as he stared at me with heat and passion in his gaze. It made me feel beautiful and wanton, and I loved it.
"You better hurry up and shower so we can get dirty again," I said as I smiled smugly.
"Very well," he replied with a roguish grin. He went to sit on the bed and started pulling off his shoes.
I went to the bed and crawled onto it, purposefully giving him an eyeful of the ass that he'd turned a deep shade of crimson a short while ago. I sat down with a slight wince, since my buttocks were still sore from the crop. Was it wrong that I liked it? I pulled the blankets up over my lap and watched Gareth, feeling fretful now about my plans and wondering how to start this much-needed conversation.
He stood to take off his shirt, and gave me a worried frown. "What's wrong, beautiful?"
"I...I want to ask you something, but I'm afraid," I whispered.
"You can ask me anything, Malory," he reassured me as he stepped closer. Could I? I guess it was time to find out.
"Um...while...uh...while we were having sex..." I began waveringly, trailing off to glance away uncomfortably. I took a fortifying breath to steel myself before looking back at him. "I thought I heard you start to say something...about...about how you feel about me."
A blank expression fell over his face for a second, then he spoke. "I don't know what you're talking about." His tone was clipped and irritated, and I couldn't understand why.
I blinked rapidly in confusion. "But...but I thought I heard-"
"No," he interrupted in a harsh tone as his face hardened, "you didn't."
I jerked my head back in surprise. His vehement reaction jolted my heart painfully. "I know what I heard," I replied defensively. "You said-"
"I was caught in the moment babbling out nonsense," he cut me off sharply. "You must have heard what you wanted to hear."
The pain sharpened and intensified, making my chest throb achingly. I felt my lips begin to tremble, and tears sting my eyes. Why was he saying such hurtful things? Why would he deny what we both know he'd said? I knew there was only one answer. It had to be because of her. His ex-wife that he couldn't seem to let go of, couldn't seem to forget. Even after eight long years, he was still afraid to let anyone in because of her, and now I was paying the price.
"Is this because of her? Your ex-wife?" I asked softly without thinking. "Is that why you're afraid to say it?"
Gareth's eyes widened in panic. Oh yes, my words had hit their mark, had zoomed right in on the truth with unerring accuracy. I braced myself, hoping at this moment he'd be able to get past his fear and see what he had in front of him. Tension vibrated through his body, his hands clenching into fists at his sides, and I waited for what came next, praying I hadn't just made a huge mistake bringing this up and pushing him.
"You're delusional," he finally snarled out. "I can't be afraid to say something I never fucking intended to say in the first place, Malory."
I flinched at his reaction as my heart began splintering apart. His eyes were flinty and cruel, nothing like the tender man who'd been with me intimately just a short time ago.
"This conversation is over," he said in a harsh command. "Go to sleep." Without another word, he whirled and went into the bathroom, closing the door as I began to sob softly. I heard the lock click on the door, locking me out of the room, just like he'd also locked me out of his heart.
The sobs came hard and fast now, shuddering painfully through my chest and almost taking my breath away. I curled up on my side in the fetal position near the edge of the bed with my back to the bathroom, as if that could protect me from Gareth and my broken heart. I'd done it again, wasted my time and affection on a man I shouldn't have. I felt like a pathetic fool.
A cold nosed touched my cheek, followed by wet kisses. I opened my eyes to see Reggie's big black head with huge ears resting on the mattress in front of my face as he watched me intently. He whined softly, pushed his muzzle under my hand, and burrowed his face in close to my neck. I latched onto him and cried even harder. This dog's love and affection for me were so simple and easy. Why couldn't it be that way for Gareth and me? Wasn't love supposed to be easy and simple? It had been that way for my sister and Andy. It shouldn't be this hard, shouldn't hurt this much, and with that thought my path was clear. I needed to move on. I couldn't compete with the ghost of Gareth's ex-wife that still held his heart hostage. As long as she still stood between us, we'd never have a future together. He'd made his choice, and now I was making mine.
I took a deep shuddering breath and forced myself to sit up, trying to gather myself together with an effort of will. I wiped the tears from my eyes and stood. I glanced at the bathroom door. The shower was still running, but I didn't have much time. I didn't want to be here when he came back out. It would serve him right to find me gone, if he even truly cared. I stifled a sob at that thought and turned away to hurry downstairs to the second level.
I gathered up my discarded clothes and pulled them on swiftly, trying not to think about the intimacy that Gareth and I just shared in this room before everything fell apart. I rushed downstairs with Reggie right on my heels, and went to grab my purse and overnight bag off the kitchen island where I'd left them. I pulled my phone out and called a cab to pick me up, grateful when they told me one was close by and would be there shortly. I put on my coat and turned to look at this place one last time as tears cascaded down my cheeks and blurred my vision. Then I whirled as more sobs tore up out of me, and hurried to the door.
Reggie whined pathetically and tried to block my path. I felt bad for him. He didn't know why I was leaving. "I'm sorry," I told him between sobs, "but I have to go." I leaned down to kiss his broad head good-bye, then pushed past him to walk out the door and slam it shut behind me. I could hear him yelping inside the apartment and clawing at the door as I pressed the down button on the elevator, and he was still doing it as the doors finally closed me in. The elevator began its descent, and I buried my face in my hands and sobbed all the way down to the lobby floor, wondering how I'd been so wrong about a man yet again, and if I was destined to be alone forever.
Once I stepped off the elevator, I hurried through the lobby with my head down, not wanting the security guy to see my tears. I stepped out into the biting cold and glanced down the street to see a cab just pulling up to the curb partway down the block. Thank God. I rushed over to it and flung the door open, hastily climbing in.
"Where to, ma'am?" the middle-aged black man behind the wheel asked kindly as he pulled away from the curb. He eyed me worriedly through the rear-view mirror when he noticed my tear-stained face, but he was polite enough not to mention it.
I almost gave him my address, but then thought better of it. I didn't want to be alone right now. I needed someone to hold me and comfort me, someone who cared about me and loved me. So I gave him my best friend Dean's address instead. He lived closer to Gareth's place than my other best friend Willa did, who I hoped was with Dean. They would be the rock I needed so desperately right now as I fell apart. And they'd still be there for me too as I pieced my heart back together again, unlike Gareth, who'd pushed me away out of fear and refused to let me into his heart.
I closed the passenger door and sank down into the seat with a deep and heart heavy sigh as the cab pulled away from the curb. I shut my eyes as I began sobbing once more, wondering if ever being whole again after this devastating heartbreak was even a possibility.
**********
Dean's sleepy eyes widened in shocked surprise when he opened his door to find me standing there. He looked at my face, and his thick dark brows furrowed.
"Malory, honey?" he asked worriedly. "What happened?"
I burst into instant tears as my only reply and lurched forward into Dean's open arms. He wrapped his long arms around me and held me close, sheltering me with his tall lanky frame. I burrowed my face against his bare chest and sobbed, not even caring that all he had on was a pair of plaid lounge pants. We were just close friends, and besides that, he held no interest in women whatsoever.
He pulled me away from the doorway and shut the door, then led me further into his one-bedroom apartment. It was small, but Dean loved it, from the gray walls and cupboards of his tiny kitchen to the black laminate touches and chrome accents of the living room. It was masculine, yet so ironically metrosexual, that it suited him to a tee.
"What's going on?" Willa said sluggishly, blinking slowly with her blond hair in disarray as she sat up from Dean's sectional sofa where she was crashed for the night in a T-shirt and leggings. She and I had spent many a night there after drinking too much wine to drive home on a Friday or Saturday night.
"Don't know," Dean replied softly, "but Mal's here and a wreck, so I'm assuming it has something to do with Tall, Dark, and Kinky."
Willa's expression turned concerned and sympathetic. "Oh, honey," she said gently.
Dean took me over to Willa and planted me on the couch next to her and sat down on the opposite side of me. My two best friends wrapped me up in a hug while I cried for several long minutes, grateful for their comforting arms. Eventually, the hiccuping sobs died down to quiet sniffles as I finally began to calm down.
"Now tell us what happened, Mal," Dean prompted gently.
"It...it's over," I said in pathetic tone. "I left him."
"Left him?" Dean asked incredulously. "Why?"
"Because of his ex-wife," I blurted out with another sob.
"That bastard cheated on you with his ex-wife?" Willa asked indignantly.
"What an unbelievable douche," Dean chimed in scathingly with anger flashing in his eyes.
"No, he...he didn't cheat on me," I mumbled out.
They both stared at me in confusion.
"He...he won't let go of the past," I explained. "She still has a hold on him, has her claws in him."
"He still has feelings for her?" Willa asked with a furrowed brow.
"No," I answered. "He can't get past his divorce. She was a miserable bitch. She wrecked him, and because of that he won't let me in. I...I think he's afraid." I took a shuddering breath. "I know he cares about me. I know it. I can feel it. He almost said he loved me tonight, but when I asked him about it, he got defensive and denied it. He was so cruel." I deflated in defeat. "I wasted my heart on someone incapable of giving theirs back, so I left him, and now I'm all alone again." I lost it and began sobbing once more.
Dean rubbed soothing circles on my back as Willa leaned her head against mine. More time passed until I calmed down again.
"He didn't even try to stop you from leaving?" Willa finally asked.
"I...I sneaked out while he was in the shower," I explained. "I didn't want to hear anything else he had to say."
"Has he tried to call you at all?" Dean asked. "I can't believe he'd just let you go. He really seemed into you."
"Well, obviously not," I cried as I pulled my phone out of my bag that was on the floor in front of me. I dumped it onto the coffee table with a thump. "He hasn't called or texted or anything," I said in despair. I buried my face in my hands. "I thought maybe it could be different this time, but I was just a deluded fool...again."
More sobs wracked my body as I wept some more, swept away by loss and shame. I was vaguely aware of Dean and Willa plying me with tissues and a few sips of water, holding me and murmuring trite words of comfort that did nothing to ease my broken heart. I cried and cried, until exhaustion finally caught up with me, and I fell into blessed sleep.
When I woke again, I was in Dean's massive bed with my two best friends on either side of me, and no recollection of how I got there. Dean must have carried me in here after I fell asleep. I was looking right at him as he slept on his side facing me. He was snoring softly with his mouth hanging open and drool all over his pillow. I'd have laughed if I was capable of mustering up any good feelings in my heart. I sighed bitterly and rolled over onto my back. I stared at the ceiling for a while as early-morning light filtered into the room through Dean's sheer curtains, slowly brightening the room.
Finally, when it appeared that I wasn't going to be able to go back to sleep, I sat up with a low defeated groan. I glanced over to see Willa curled on her side with her hands tucked under her cheek with a peaceful expression that I envied. I shook my head and carefully climbed out of the bed without waking either of them. I tiptoed from the bedroom and shut the door, then walked over to the couch and sat down. I picked my phone up off the coffee table, and opened the screen hoping to see a message of some sort from Gareth, but that hope was dashed immediately. I'd gotten nothing from him, absolutely nothing.
My eyes began to burn, and my hands shook. I guess some part of me had thought he'd chase after me, beg me to come back. I'd hoped for something, anything to prove he cared as much as he was able, but this proved differently. Apparently, he didn't care at all, since he'd so easily let me go, and though I didn't think that it was possible, my heart broke all over again. I dropped my phone on the floor and rolled over onto my side, curling into a ball on the sofa as pain coursed through me. Harsh hiccuping sobs tore out of me over and over again, making my chest hurt and my head throb.
Why did this keep happening to me? Why couldn't I find a man to love me? Why wasn't I worth it to anyone? It was clear to me now that I was destined never to find real love, and I'd just have to find a way to live with that.