PROLOGUE
____________________
Calder
Twelve years ago...
I stared down at the tiny engagement ring between my thumb and index finger like I'd done so many times before, admiring the perfect cut of the little solitaire and the thin white gold band. A shiver of excitement and nerves fell over me. This was it. It took me months, but I'd finally saved enough for it. I just hoped it fit Ella because I didn't have any more extra money to get it sized.
"Alright, kid," the burly guy said gruffly from behind the jewelry counter of the rundown pawn shop that I was standing in. "I think you've stared at that thing long enough for one day again. Let me put it away."
I looked up at the big bearded guy and beaming at him like an idiot. "Not today, Sam." I reached into my jean's pocket to pull out a wad of cash and slid it toward him. I was happy I got it here without being mugged for it. The Arm Pit wasn't exactly a safe neighborhood to walk through in broad daylight, let alone at night like I'd just done. It wouldn't have been the first time I got jumped and robbed, but it would have been the worst time. I'd been working extra shifts at the bar for over six months now, and I couldn't imagine having to start all over again because I got jumped on the way to buy the ring.
Sam grinned as his eyes widened in happy surprise. "Well, congratulations, kid. It's about time." He scooped up the money and began counting it. "You've been coming in here mooning over that damn thing for months."
It was true. I'd been coming in to look at it every chance I had, wanting to keep my eye on the prize. I'd given up drinking and partying with my friends for this. I'd even managed to keep out of trouble with the cops for once in my life. I hadn't done anything but work and sleep for months. Nothing else mattered except proving to Ella that I was husband material. We'd been together for almost two years now, and it was time to grow up and be a man. She deserved more than some twenty-five-year-old fuck-up who couldn't even buy her a decent ring. I loved her so much. I wanted to take care of her, and this was the first step in proving to her that I could.
Sam pulled two hundred-dollar bills out of the stack and slid them back to me. "That should cover it." He began looking around behind the counter. "Let me put it in a jewelry box. You can't give it to her without that."
I stared at the bills in confusion. I knew I only had enough to cover the ring.
"Here," Sam said and set a little black velvet jewelry box next to the money.
I pushed the money back toward him, thinking he'd made a mistake. "You're short, Sam. You need this to cover it."
Sam put a hand over mine and stopped me. "No, that's yours," he said as his grin softened. "You can't propose without dinner and flowers, kid. Everyone knows that. Besides, it might need resized too."
I stared at him in flabbergasted shock with my mouth literally hanging open. No one had ever done anything like that for me before. When you grew up in The Arm Pit like I did, you learned really young that no one was going to look out for you but yourself. Otherwise, The Arm Pit would chew you up and spit you out. If anyone offered you anything that seemed too good to be true, then they had an angle or an ulterior motive and couldn't be trusted.
When I didn't say anything, Sam plucked the ring from my fingers and tucked it into the velvet box. He picked it up and the hundred-dollar bills and pushed them both into my hands along with my receipt. "Go propose to your girl and do it right," he said sincerely. "That way, you don't ever have to do it again."
I stared at the money and ring in my hands speechlessly for a moment and then looked up at Sam again with a lost expression.
"A thank you would be nice, kid," Sam said with a wry and indulgent smile.
"Th...th...thanks," I stuttered out as my eyes burned with sudden emotion. I blinked back the tears with some effort.
"You're welcome," Sam said softly.
I couldn't manage anymore words for fear I'd actually cry, so I nodded at Sam as I shoved the ring and the money in my pockets, then swiftly left the pawn shop before I embarrassed myself. I hurried down the street back to the bar, so I could finish the shift I'd been on break from when I went to buy the ring. I entered the back door of Rexy's Bar, knowing I was late, and rushed over to the keg I still needed to move out to the bar to change out for the empty one. As the barback it was my job to keep the bar stocked and ready, and tonight I know I'd been slacking off in my eagerness to go buy Ella's ring. It was time to play catch up, so I didn't get fired. I started rolling the damn keg across the floor, wishing I was stronger and not so damn scrawny considering how tall I was. It would be easier if I could just carry it.
"What are you doing?" a stern male voice asked from behind me.
I jerked upright and turned to see my boss standing in the doorway that led back to his office. He was standing there with his arms crossed and an irritated expression. Rex Landis was a good boss, but a demanding one. He expected his employees to work as hard as he did, and I respected him for that. I really hated letting him down. Especially since he gave a fuck-up like me a chance when most people wouldn't have.
"I'm...I'm sorry I'm late coming back from my break, sir," I answered as I wiped my palms on my shirt nervously. "I'm just getting this keg out front for Joe so-"
"That's not what I'm talking about, Cal," Rex interrupted me as he waved off my explanation. He ran a hand down his long thick beard that held far more gray in it than his hair. "Why are you here?" He gave me a perplexed expression that threw me off.
"I'm...I'm working?" I replied, feeling just a confused as Rex looked now.
"Didn't you just go out and buy an engagement ring?"
"Yeah."
"Then why are you back here instead of asking her to marry you right now?" he asked me.
"Because I'm finishing my shift, sir?" I answered questioningly. "I'm supposed to work until close tonight."
Rex snorted out a laugh and motioned me toward him. "Let me see it."
"Uh...okay," I mumbled out and fished the ring box out of my pocket, then stepped forward to give it to him.
Rex opened the ring box, and his face softened as he gazed at it. "How long have you worked here Cal?" he asked as he continued looking at the ring.
"Almost seven months, sir."
"And in all that time, you've never called in, never asked for a day off, or even once asked to leave early. Why is that?"
"I was...I was saving to get a ring for my girlfriend, sir," I answered, trying to fight the urge to snatch the ring back for fear something would happen to it. I'd worked so hard for it.
"Well, I think that kind of dedication deserves a reward." He held out the ring to me and when I reached for it, he placed it in my palm and closed my fingers around it. "So you're going to take the rest of the night off, and you're going to go home and ask that girl to marry you."
"Now?" I asked in startled surprise, not sure if I was up for that tonight as terror streaked through me. Didn't I need a plan, or flowers at the very least?
"You've waited for almost seven months, Cal," he replied pointedly. "Haven't you waited long enough?" His whiskey brown eyes were kind and sincere, his thick graying brows raised questioningly at me as he awaited my reply.
When he put it that way, doing it tonight didn't sound too soon at all. "I guess I have, sir."
"Then what the fuck are you waiting for?" he asked with a laugh. "Get the hell out of here. I don't want to see you again until you're engaged. Got it?"
"Yes, sir," I replied with a huge grin, and hurried out the back door followed by the sound of Rex chuckling at my enthusiasm.
I wasn't going to question my good fortune again. I had to believe everything was going my way for a reason tonight. It had to be destiny that was bringing this all together for me right now. I'd finally marry the girl I loved, then I'd get us out of this shitty neighborhood, get us away from my addict mother and Ella's overbearing father. We'd have a real family with real love. We'd be the parents our kids could count on. We'd always be there for each other. We'd have everything. These joyous thoughts lifted me up and carried me home, lightening my feet and quickening my pace as I ran the few blocks to our apartment, the ring in my pocket now a symbol for all the things I had to look forward to in the future.
I burst breathlessly into our shitty little one-bedroom apartment after running up the flight of stairs to get to our door.
"Ella?!" I called out as I walked into the empty dining room/kitchen. I looked over into the darkened adjoining living room at all our shabby second hand furniture to see that she wasn't there either. There was no response from her, but it was pretty late. She'd probably gone to bed and didn't hear me since she was a heavy sleeper. I knew she had an early shift at the diner where she was a waitress at tomorrow, but I hoped she'd forgive me for waking her, because I couldn't wait. I pulled the ring box out of my pocket and hurried toward the bedroom with a huge smile on my face, eager to see her reaction to my proposal.
The second I walked into our darkened room, I knew something was wrong. It was too quiet, and an unsettling sense of foreboding immediately fell over me. I went to the nearby nightstand and clicked on the lamp, then stood there in stunned confusion as I stared at the empty bed.
"Ella?" I called out again. I crossed the room to our tiny bathroom and turned on the light switch. She wasn't there of course, and I realized with a jolt that neither were her things. Her perfume, her makeup, her hair brush, they were all gone. The only things left on the vanity were my razor and my toothbrush. Cold emptiness began to seep into my bones. This couldn't be real. This couldn't be right. I walked back into the bedroom, finally noticing that all her stuff in here was missing too.
"Ella?" I whispered waveringly, still hoping she was here somewhere and that this was just some sick joke of a nightmare I'd wake up from any second. That was when I noticed a piece of paper sitting on the nightstand. I moved toward it like a mindless zombie, afraid of it even as I desperately needed to see what it was. I picked it up, immediately recognizing Ella's flowing script as I clutched the paper in my hand and dropped down to sit on the edge of the bed to read it.
Cal,
You're always working, and you're never home. You keep telling me that you're working all these extra shifts and hours for us, yet you never have any extra money to show for it. Is this our future? Always working but never getting anywhere? What kind of future is it if we spend our lives working and never see each other?
I called the bar tonight to talk to you, but they said you were out and wouldn't tell me where you were. Why weren't you at work? Are you out drinking again? Are we in so much desperate need for money that you're dealing drugs now or doing something else illegal? Am I going to spend my life waiting for the cops to show up at our door to tell me you're dead or take you away from me? Or will some criminal you pissed off show up some night that you're not here and take it out on me?
I love you, but I can't live like this. I want more for my life, for my future, than this hand to mouth existence that we're living. I want security and safety. I want someone I can count on and to take care of me, and it's become clear to me now that someone isn't you. I'm so sorry, but I can't do this anymore, so this is good-bye.
Ella
I watched the note crumple in my fist as my vision blurred with tears. I told her all these hours of work were for us because I didn't want to ruin the surprise when I proposed. I told her I wasn't drinking anymore because it was true, but obviously she didn't believe me since she thought I might be dealing drugs too. I couldn't believe she thought I would turn to doing that. All this time I spent working and scrimping and saving to buy a ring to show her how serious I was about her, how dedicated I was to our future, had done the exact opposite, and she left me. Ella left me.
I dropped the note on the floor and lifted the ring box. I opened it and pulled out the now insignificant and meaningless trinket to stare at it for several gut-wrenching and heartbreaking moments. It no longer symbolized all the things I had to look forward to in the future. It now symbolized a past filled with regret, and a future filled with pain and nothingness. I watched the ring slip from my limp careless fingers and fall down to clatter across the hardwood floor. So many months I'd waited, so many weeks and days lost with her. Rex thought I waited long enough, but apparently, I'd waited just one day too long.
CHAPTER ONE
____________________
Ella
I was woken by the sound of sobbing and sniffling next to me in the bed. Nothing ever woke me up faster than my daughter crying, and that was saying something considering what a heavy sleeper I usually was. It was just one of the many things that changed after Violet came into my life ten years ago.
"Baby, what's wrong?" I asked sleepily as I rolled to face my little girl, who's back was to me with her slight shoulders quaking with sorrow.
"I...I miss Daddy," she sobbed out softly.
I reached out to soothingly rub her back over her soft and sparkly purple cotton pajamas. "I know you do, baby. I know," I whispered, wishing I could say that I missed him too and filled with guilt over that fact. Not because I wished that I actually missed that horrible man, but because I was happy that he was gone. What kind of person did that make me? What kind of mother? She didn't know him like I did though. She only knew the doting father who spoiled her and treated her like a princess. That wasn't the man I knew.
Violet rolled over onto her back and looked at me, her face a mask of agony as tears sheeted down her cheeks, her green eyes glittering in the dim light of the night light I'd left on for her. Since her father died, her fear of the dark had resurfaced.
"Why did he have to die, Mommy?" It laid waste to me when she called me Mommy instead of Mom. She was old enough now that she only said it when she was hurt or upset. It killed me every time. Especially, when the pain wasn't something I could share with her or take away. "Why?" she added pathetically and reached for me.
"I don't know, Violet honey, but I wish I did." I pulled her into my arms and held my little girl tight against me. She felt heavy as she practically crawled onto me, so I guess she wasn't quite so little anymore. At ten years old, she was tall for her age, and less than a foot shorter than my five-foot nine-inch height now. I brushed her hair from her tear-streaked face and kissed her head. "Shh, baby. I'm still here, and I love you so much."
"I wanna go home," she wailed out. "Why can't we go home?"
I sighed, knowing the answer to that question, but she wouldn't understand why the FBI had seized my husband's assets during their criminal investigation, which included the mansion where she'd grown up. All she knew was that I'd ripped her away from everything she knew and loved to be where we were right now. She didn't need to know that I still wouldn't have stayed there. I didn't want any part of anything that man had ever owned. Every last bit of it was gained through illegal and nefarious means that I wanted nothing to do with. The government could have it all. I just wanted freedom for me and my daughter, and I was happy to be out from under Raymond Voss' shadow for good.
She sobbed and hiccuped in my arms incoherently for a while, and I held her, rubbing her back and murmuring what comfort I could offer, until she finally fell asleep again. I carefully extricated myself from her latching arms and tucked her back under the blankets. I pushed her soft hair, that was the same flaxen blond as mine, out of her face. She looked peaceful now, her eyes closed and her long thick lashes resting on her reddened cheeks. I leaned down and kissed her forehead gently, before I climbed out of bed and quietly left the room.
I made my way downstairs to the darkened kitchen without bothering to turn on the lights. I went to the small table, sat down in one of the chairs, and then it was my turn to cry. I buried my face in my hands and wept pathetically, mourning the life I had because of the bad choices I'd made when I was young and stupid and so naive. Violet was the only good thing to come out of any of the last twelve years of my life.
"Ella?" a familiar male voice called out quietly.
"I'm fine," I blurted out as I instantly jerked my head up and began wiping frantically at my eyes. My brother Evan stood in the doorway watching me with a worried frown that I could just make out in the dim light filtering in through the kitchen window from the outside street lamp. A car drove by, its headlights shining through the window, momentarily illuminating his face and a pair of concerned steel blue eyes that matched my own.
Evan snorted out a laugh. "No, you're not," he said in his deep soothing voice. "You're sitting in the dark crying all alone. What part of that says you're fine?"
"I guess you're right." I laughed it off, not wanting to admit to my little brother that my reaction was because I never cried in front of Ray, not if I didn't want to have an actual reason to cry. It had been two months since the police showed up at my door to tell me that Ray was dead, but ten year old habits died hard apparently. Especially when they were born of fear. I wondered how long the deep psychological wounds my husband had inflicted on me would take to heal and scar over, or if they ever would at all.
"Was Violet crying again?" Evan asked softly in concern as he walked closer to me.
I nodded. "I'm sorry if she woke you, or Beth, or the kids."
He waved off my apology. "Please. Beth and the kids could sleep through an air raid, and I was awake anyway. It's hard to sleep well with a pregnant woman who hogs the covers and snores like a congested moose." He grinned. "Don't tell her I said that."
I smiled wanly. "I won't," I said as guilt fell over me at his comments. My baby brother had a wife, two kids, and another on the way, and here I was imposing on him and taking up one of the four bedrooms in his house. That's me, my baby brother's charity case.
Evan flipped on the light over the table, filling the little galley kitchen with dim light, and made a beeline for the cupboards. My brother had lovingly remodeled it into a warm inviting space with lots of hardwood that still maintained the original homey feel of the early twentieth-century foursquare fixer-upper he bought several years ago.
"If we're awake we might as well make the most of it." He opened the cupboard door and pulled a box out. "Milk and cookies?" He held it up with a wide grin.
"That sounds great," I said softly as I watched Evan get the milk and some glasses. Sometimes I was still in awe that this tall able-bodied man was the same little boy who dragged a ratty security blanket with him everywhere he went and thought there were hairy one-eyed monsters in his closet.
He sat down across from me and poured a glass of milk, and pushed it over to me. He poured some for himself, then tore into the box of cookies with eager enthusiasm, his blond hair sticking out all over his head and his eyes bright and content. I watched him with a smirk. There was that little boy I remembered. Even in a tank top and sweats with his broad shoulders and muscular arms on display, he would always be my baby brother.
"How's the job hunt going?" he asked through a mouthful of cookie.
My shoulders slumped. "Awful," I grumbled as the cookie in my mouth began to taste like sawdust.
"That bad, huh?" he asked with a sympathetic expression.
"Yeah," I answered. "Apparently, a decade-long hole in your resume is a giant red flag." I snorted bitterly. "You'd think I was applying for a CEO position and not a waitressing job."
"I'm sure you'll find something," he said reassuringly.
"I hope so," I said despondently.
"Well, at least you and Violet have a place to stay until you do." He meant his words to be reassuring. They weren't.
I nodded and shoved another cookie in my mouth as guilt rose up again. I'd felt like nothing but a leach for the past several weeks I'd been staying here after coming back to my hometown with my tail between my legs. I wanted to be able to contribute, but with only a high school diploma and a long gap since the last time I had an actual job, it might be a while before I could assuage that guilt in any way. My brother didn't go to college either, but he'd been driven and determined to make something for himself and get out of The Arm Pit. He'd gotten an apprenticeship as a lineman for the Power Company right out of high school, he'd applied himself and worked hard, and now at the relatively young age of thirty-one, he was a full-fledged journeyman with a decent salary to boot. He provided well for his family and was proud of what he accomplished for himself. I wish I could say the same for myself.
I'd been a deluded idiot, and thought finding a man that could give me money and security would get me out of the prison of poverty that was The Arm Pit, and bring me happiness. Well, money and security got me out alright, but only to be trapped in a different kind of prison with Ray as my jailer and no happiness in sight. Now I was thirty-four and had nothing to show for myself beyond being a mother for my daughter and a penniless widow to a monster.
"I have another interview tomorrow," I announced.
"Oh yeah?" he asked. "Where at?"
"Some place called The Indigo Room."
Evan's eyes rose in surprise. "The night club?"
"I guess so." I shrugged. I never heard of the place, but it paid well. I'd never worked in a nightclub before, but I'd tried so many restaurants without any luck that I'd take anything at this point.
"Huh, I never pictured you working at a place like that."
"What?" I asked crossly. "You don't think I can handle it?"
"No," he answered fervently. "Not at all, but a meat market like that is just so shallow, so..." He grimaced, "vacuous," he added in disgust.
"Vacuous?" I asked with a smirk. "That's a mighty big word there, baby brother."
"You should see me do math," he said loftily as he pointed his cookie at me. "And I'm pretty much all self-taught."
"And humble," I added with a laugh.
"What can I say? I'm the bomb." He straightened in his seat with a cocky expression that I knew was complete bullshit.
"Shut up and eat your cookies," I told him with a shake of my head.
He grinned with a shrug, then shoved two cookies into his mouth at once and chewed them with his mouth open on purpose. And there was the annoying and disgusting little brother I remembered again. I rolled my eyes and ignored him. It was best not to encourage him when he got like this.
"Oh, can you watch Violet while I have my interview tomorrow afternoon?" I knew Friday was Evan's normal day off. He usually worked four ten-hour shifts on Monday through Thursday. "And can I borrow your car again?" I asked apologetically. Yup, back to feeling like a leach again.
"Shit, El," Evan said with a pained expression. "I can't. I picked up an extra shift tomorrow. I'm sorry."
Somehow I couldn't help suspecting that he was picking up extra shifts to cover for me staying here. I felt my eyes start to sting. "I...I guess I can call and see if I can reschedule it," I said waveringly. I clamped my teeth together and fought down the waterworks.
"No, don't do that." Evan reached across the table and grabbed my hand. "We'll figure something out. I know how important this is to you. Maybe Beth can leave work early tomorrow, and you can use her car. Then she can watch Violet."
"I can't ask her to do that," I immediately replied. Beth was a nursing assistant at the hospital. She didn't make a lot, but I wasn't going to cost her any of her pay.
"I can give you money for a cab," Evan offered.
"Okay," I said grudgingly, even though I didn't really want to take any more of my brother's money. "I guess I can bring Violet with me." I hoped that bringing her didn't cost me the job, but what choice did I have. I couldn't use the daycare that the hospital provided for Beth since I didn't work there. I didn't want to leave Violet home alone either for obvious legal reasons, but also because she was very emotional and clingy with me right now. I didn't want to make this harder for her than it already was.
"There you go," my brother said as he squeezed my hand. "We got it all figured out."
I nodded, unable to stop the tears that spilled this time from equal part gratitude and guilt. Evan immediately rose and came around the table to sit next to me. He pulled me into his arms and comforted me while I wept bitterly for everything I'd lost or never even had to begin with.
This wasn't how my life was supposed to be. This wasn't where I should have been. It was the painful moments like these that his face always came back to me, these moments that hurt the most. I saw piercing crystalline blue eyes, soft almost black hair, and a kind loving smile that said I meant the world to him. I saw the young man who treated me right, who loved me, the one I should have stayed with twelve long years ago. It was hard not to think that I deserved everything I'd wrought upon myself for the real love that I so callously and stupidly left behind without a backward glance.