15
MALORY
A big smile spread wide across my face as I shut down my computer for the day. I grabbed my purse and jacket, then practically flew up out of my desk chair. I was still smiling like an imbecile as I walked out of Cooper Media's offices and hurried down the hall toward Gareth's law office on the same floor. I was eager to see him again, even though it had only been since this morning when we parted ways with a kiss at the elevator to head to our respective offices. I could totally get used to being driven to work everyday. I could totally get used to sleeping next to that man every night too. Maybe someday soon that could be a reality.
My smile got even bigger at that thought. Somewhere along the way since we got back together after Gareth's injury, the terror that used to come over me when thinking about a future with Gareth had faded away. In fact, the calmness that now fell over me at thoughts of marriage and kids with him, surprised me and pleased me to no end. I guess the fact that I could have easily lost him that night put everything in perspective and chased all my fear away.
I reached Gareth's office and walked into the empty reception area. It was after five now, so I wasn't surprised to find Elaine already gone for the day. I suddenly wondered if a little office nooky might be in order. We'd never done that before. I smirked as I turned back to close the door, planning on locking it.
"You're a fucking asshole!" a shrill female voice said in a sharp venomous tone from behind Gareth's partially open office door. I froze with my hand halfway to the doorknob.
"What the fuck are you doing here, Ryan?!" I heard Gareth snarl out loudly.
Ryan? As in his ex-wife Ryan? Holy crap.
"I demand to know the real reason you've been talking to my husband, not some bullshit about some criminal investigation into one of his employees. You men are all fucking liars, every last one of you."
"Goddamn it, I didn't lie to you, Ryan," he said in a tense and exasperated voice. "I told you that I couldn't tell you. I'm a lawyer, and I'm not allowed to discuss this with you. Confidentiality is a part of my job. You know that."
"Oh, I know," she snarled out. "It made it convenient for you to stick your dick into anything with a pussy and a pulse, then tell me you were working late," Snide sarcasm colored those last two words, "without having to explain yourself to anyone."
My God, no wonder Gareth divorced her. She was a nasty vicious harpy. Good riddance. He didn't deserve to be treated this way. No one did.
"Well, it was also pretty damn convenient that you moved in with your now current husband the week after we fucking separated."
Oh my God. I had no idea she'd cheated on him. She'd hurt him far worse than I'd known. No wonder he didn't talk about it much. What a hypocritical bitch.
"Well, you drove me to that," she retorted fiercely. "You were too busy fucking around to be bothered by your wife's needs."
"I never-" His snarling voice cut off, and he let out an angry growl of frustration. "You know what, Ryan?" Gareth finally asked in bitter resignation. "I'm done defending myself. You'll never believe that I was always faithful to you anyway. So keep lying to yourself that our marriage fell apart because of me, and not because you never trusted me and wanted to make me as miserable as you are. Believe whatever makes you feel better."
"Really? Our divorce was all on me?" she spat out angrily. "You put off having the kids you supposedly wanted when we got married for fucking years because you told me you weren't ready. Then five years later you announce that our marriage is over, and tell me you never wanted to have kids at all. Who's lying to themselves now, asshole?"
Didn't want kids? What? I held my breath for Gareth to deny what she'd said, but the only reply was silence. We'd never talked about kids at all, or about marriage, or any future beyond what we had now. A sudden sick feeling came over me, cloaking me in heartbroken despair. Did I even have a future with this man beyond just being his submissive? Don't get me wrong, I loved that part of our relationship, but I wanted more than just that.
Finally, Ryan made a disgusted noise. "You're the most self-deluded piece of shit excuse for a man I've ever seen."
"This conversation is over, Ryan," he growled out harshly. "Get the fuck out of my goddamn office."
"Gladly, you asshole."
Shit. In a sudden panic, I fled out into the hallway, not wanting to be seen eavesdropping by Gareth or his ex-wife. I hurried over to the next office door and hastily pulled out my phone to look occupied as I stood there. I surreptitiously glanced over just as a woman stormed out Gareth's office suite.
My God, she was gorgeous with high cheekbones and full heart-shaped lips, just unbelievably beautiful, even with her haughty expression and the anger flashing in her luminous blue eyes. Her glowing honey-blond hair was flawless as it cascaded around her shoulders in long soft waves. Her tall frame was dressed in a Michael Kors sheath dress that was pale blue with a thin belt cinched at her narrow waist. It was elegant, obviously expensive, and highlighted her perfect hourglass figure. Her Prada pumps and bag were a sumptuous and buttery-looking black leather. I didn't even want to contemplate how much money she was currently wearing.
She looked at me as she glided past, and gave me a brief yet deeply contemptuous glance before continuing down the hall with long purposeful strides. She disappeared around the corner, and I stared after her with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. That was his ex-wife? Her beauty made me suddenly feel insecure, and I couldn't help but compare myself to her and feel lacking in every way. It made me wonder what Gareth ever saw in me when this was what he had before.
I frowned, suddenly pissed off with myself for even having those pathetic diffident thoughts. I knew Ryan for what she was, a cold and selfishly manipulative bitch who did her best to break the man I now loved. How could something so horrible and ugly inside, come in such a beautiful package? I'd probably never know. I shook my head in disgust as I put my phone in my purse, then went back down the hall to enter Gareth's law office again.
My heart began to feel heavy as I crossed the silent reception area toward Gareth's office door. Ryan's words about Gareth not wanting children and the telling silence that was his only reply had warning bells clamoring around inside her skull. The fear I thought I let go about our relationship, and its future, was now back at full force. I pressed my lips together and tried to fight it down as I slid through the partially open door and walked into Gareth's office.
The sight I saw broke my heart, banishing the fear in an instant. Gareth was sitting with his elbows on his desk and his face buried in his hands, the tense line of his shoulders speaking of defeat and resignation. Even eight years after his divorce this woman still went out of her way to hurt him. Now I knew exactly why he hated the word "asshole". She'd wielded it like a weapon, knowing right where to aim each barb to hurt him the most. My God, I hated her so much.
"Gareth?" I called out softly.
His head snapped up, his eyes brimming with pain and bitterness for just a second before pure relief swept it away and lit them up with dark fire. A smile spread across his gorgeous lips.
"Malory," he said with warm affection as he reached a hand out toward me.
I rushed forward, rounding the desk and taking his hand. He turned his chair toward me and pulled me in to stand between his knees. He wrapped his arms around my waist and buried his face against my breasts as he held me close. He let out a long cathartic sigh.
"Are you okay?" I asked worriedly.
"I am now," he murmured as he nuzzled closer, his big hands sliding up under my blazer and feeling warm through the thin fabric of my silk blouse.
I sifted my fingers through his soft umber hair and laid my cheek on his head. "Do you want to talk about it?" I asked, giving him an opening to talk about his ex-wife's visit.
He paused for a long moment before responding. "It's work-related and I can't talk about it, beautiful," came his unexpected reply. "I'm sorry."
I frowned deeply as sudden irritation flared inside me. I had a hard time thinking of Ryan's visit as being strictly work-related. I couldn't help wondering if this was actually more a case of not wanting to talk about it, versus not being able to. I opened my mouth to ask him how exactly his ex-wife visiting him was something he couldn't talk about just because he was working with her husband. It's not like they talked about whatever the case was about. A part of me couldn't help remembering Ryan's comment about Gareth using his lawyer confidentiality as an excuse to hide things from her. Was that what he was doing to me? What else hadn't he told me? That thought was immediately followed by guilt when I realized that I sounded just like his ex-wife.
I sighed softly. Whatever the reason he couldn't or wouldn't talk about it, I should respect that. Besides, that really wasn't the issue here that was bothering me the most. It was that bombshell about Gareth not wanting children that he didn't deny. Was it true? Did that mean marriage was off the table too? Was I wasting my time hoping for a future with Gareth that would never happen? Was our Dom/sub relationship the only thing he wanted? I didn't know. My eyes began to burn with the threat of tears.
Gareth leaned back and looked up to study my face closely. Worry creased his forehead. "Are you alright, beautiful?" he asked.
This was the opening I needed, and I knew I should tell him what I heard and ask him if it was true, but the words just dried up in my mouth. I couldn't do it. I was afraid to learn the truth, and then have to walk away. I was afraid of losing him so soon after finding him. I wasn't ready to let this go and be alone again, so I lied.
"I'm okay," I replied, forcing a smile across my lips. "Just had a really long day."
He smiled back wanly, his eyes soft with affection. "Me too, beautiful. Me too." He reached up to cup my chin and caress my lips with his thumb just the way I adored. "I love you so much," he whispered.
"I love you too," I whispered back, feeling my eyes sting again. I hugged him against my chest, so he couldn't see my face, holding him close as my stomach churned and my chest ached. I'd been lonely for so long, waiting for a man I could love, and have a family and a future with, but now I feared that all my future held with this man was nothing but eventual heartbreak and more loneliness.
**********
Gareth grew quiet and pensive as he pulled his Range Rover to a stop in front of my sister's little gray Craftsman-style bungalow. I could see tension thrumming through his body as he stared at the house with his lips pressed together. For some reason, Gareth was convinced that my family didn't approve of him or even like him. I knew they didn't get off on the best foot when they met while my father was in the hospital a month ago. My father hadn't been himself, and was suspicious and rude at the time, and Gareth and Andy nearly had a blowout in the waiting room when my idiot overprotective brother-in-law confronted him about his intentions with me. Gareth hadn't seen them since, and I'd hoped that in all that time he'd gotten over it, but from his demeanor right now, I realized that he hadn't. Irritation flared inside me. I knew I probably should reassure him in some way, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it.
Ever since overhearing that he didn't want kids two days ago, angry resentment had been building up inside me. Part of me felt like I'd been duped, another part of me felt like an idiot for letting myself get so emotionally attached to a man without even knowing if we were on the same page about the future of our relationship. All Monday evening I kept waiting for him to tell me about his ex-wife's little visit, but he never did, and I was too afraid to say something myself. I'd spent that night lying awake next to him obsessing about it, then gone to work the next day hurt and angry at him as well as myself for being such a coward. I ended up purposefully avoiding him the last two days, telling him that I needed to get some stuff done around my apartment when he asked me to stay the night again on Tuesday. Now it was Wednesday, and I could still vividly remember the hurt and disappointment in his eyes when I left his penthouse yesterday morning, and I hadn't seen him since until tonight. Guilt rose up to add to my tormented heart.
I couldn't take it, so I reached over and took his hand in mine, giving him a reassuring squeeze. He met my eyes, and the tension in his body relaxed as he smiled gratefully at me.
"I love you, beautiful," he said in a soft sincere tone, love shining in his eyes.
"I love you too," I whispered as my eyes stung with despair, wondering how much longer I'd be able to hear him say that before I had to walk away.
Worry furrowed his brow as he watched me. "Malory?" he asked with a slight frown.
"We should go in before we're late for dinner," I said as I shoved down my anguish and forced a smile. I let go of his hand and got out of the SUV before he could say anything else, giving myself a moment to get my frayed emotions under control. I wished I hadn't agreed to this dinner last week, so I could have given him some other lame excuse and stayed home to wallow in my misery alone again.
I hurried up the sidewalk, making sure he didn't catch up to me until I was already ringing the doorbell. I couldn't take much more of his worried glances and questioning eyes before I burst into tears and confessed everything, ending our relationship for good right now. I wasn't ready to let him go yet. Who was I kidding, I'd never be ready to let this man go. I knew now that I'd have to if I wanted a family with children, but I loved him, and the longer I could it put off the better. I ignored the little voice inside me that tried to tell me I was just torturing myself and prolonging the inevitable.
Gareth came up beside me and put an arm around my shoulders. He pressed a soft kiss to my temple, and I almost came undone. I clenched my teeth and prayed for strength as I fought down a sob. By the time the front door opened I had myself under control again.
"Welcome to the shindig, party people," Andy announced with a welcoming grin for both of us. Andy wasn't the kind to hold a grudge unless it was deserved. He stepped back and swept his arm toward the interior of his home. "Come on in."
I smiled back in a way that I hoped seemed believable enough not to alert Andy to my distress. I stepped inside the house, and Gareth followed close behind with a proprietary hand on the small of my back. It felt warm and so good that I nearly sobbed again. Luckily, both Andy and Gareth were too busy eying each other to notice.
"I hope there are no hard feelings after the last time I saw you," Andy said with a pained expression. "Sometimes I'm an overprotective idiot."
Gareth gave Andy a small yet genuine smile. "There's nothing wrong with wanting to protect someone you love," he said as he put an arm around my waist and pulled me closer. My God, he smelled so good that it made me want to cry again.
I noticed Andy giving me an accessing look and quickly schooled my features into another smile. His eyes narrowed in suspicion, but I was saved from his further scrutiny by my father walking toward us with little six-week-old Alice in his arms.
"Hey, kiddo," he said warmly as he came up and gave me a brief one-armed hug, being careful of the sleeping baby in his other arm.
"Hi, Dad," I said as I glanced down at my niece's cute little face.
"Here's your aunt Malory," Dad said as he carefully transferred the infant into my arms. He stepped over to Gareth and shook his hand with a hearty and sincere greeting. It looked like there were no hard feelings between Gareth and my dad either since both were smiling. That was a relief.
"Hi, Alice," I murmured as I caressed her downy red hair. I stared down at my niece's perfect little button nose and heart-shaped lips. She just got more adorable every time I saw her. I leaned down and kissed her tiny forehead. She smelled like baby powder and all things good.
I looked up at Gareth and caught his eye. He grinned at me with warm affection in his eyes as he chatted with Andy and my dad, his gaze never once straying down to the baby in my arms. It was like she didn't even exist. My heart clenched in my chest as I suddenly remembered his apparent disinterest in his step-nephew Daniel a week or so ago at his father's house. I realized now that it was a red flag I would have paid more attention to if I hadn't had my love-blinders on. My eyes burned with sudden despair as the future I'd wanted with this man now seemed more and more unlikely. Gareth's eyes narrowed worriedly again as he watched me.
"Dinner's ready," Lydia called out from the kitchen doorway, saving me from Gareth's concerned attention.
I took my opportunity and handed off Alice to Andy to put down for a nap, before hurrying away toward the dining room. I walked in as Lydia was setting the last plate of food on the table. She glanced over and smiled at me, then immediately frowned. Crap, I couldn't hide my turbulent emotions from my sister. Luckily, Dad and Gareth followed me in and distracted her, but I knew it was too late now. She'd corner me about it eventually.
Dinner was uneventful with easy casual conversation, save for the worried glances I kept getting from Gareth and now Lydia. Dad and Andy were oblivious as they both made a concerted effort to make Gareth feel accepted and included, which thankfully saved me from having to join in very much. I'd told Lydia about Gareth's idea that they didn't like him, and apparently she must have told them. If I wasn't already so upset and distraught, I'd think it was sweet. Now I couldn't help thinking it didn't even matter.
After dessert, Gareth and Andy were engaged in an enthusiastic conversation about Muay Thai and MMA fighting. I got up while Gareth was preoccupied and went into the kitchen with an arm load of dishes, needing some space to get a grip on my emotions. Unfortunately, Lydia followed me, and I felt her staring at me while I loaded the dishwasher. I ignored her as she handed me the dishes she'd carried in. I loaded those then straightened to find her directly in my face. There was no avoiding her now.
"What's going on with you two?" she asked quietly with a deep frown and her gaze direct and concerned.
"We're fine," I said as I tried to walk past her.
She sidestepped and blocked my path. "No, you're not," she said firmly. She gripped my arm comfortingly. "Talk to me. I can tell you're upset."
I glanced toward the dining room then back at her, realizing I needed to talk to somebody about this, but not wanting Gareth to overhear.
Lydia eyed me for a moment, then grabbed my hand. ""Come on. Let's go check on Alice."
I nodded and followed her through the dining room, feeling Gareth's eyes on me, then went down the hall to the nursery. We walked in, and Lydia shut the door behind us.
"Okay," she faced me with her arms crossed and stern expression. "Now talk."
"I...I..." I glanced at the crib and Alice's little sleeping form. Tears pricked my eyes. I took a shuddering breath and fought the waterworks, a small sob managing to escape. "Gareth doesn't want children," I blurted out pathetically.
Sympathy instantly filled her eyes. "Oh, Mal," she said softly. She stepped closer and pulled me into a tight hug. "I'm so sorry." She knew how much I always wanted children.
I finally let go and started sobbing on her shoulder, feeling so lost and defeated. It took several minutes for me to get myself under control.
"When did he tell you that?" she asked.
"He...he didn't."
"What?" she asked in confusion.
I sighed and told her what I'd overheard the other day, trying to spit it out before I started bawling again. "I don't think there's any future for us anymore, Lydia, but I love him so much. What am I going to do without him?"
She sighed in exasperation. "You haven't even asked him about it have you?" she asked with narrowed eyes.
"No," I replied as I glanced at the floor.
"Then how do you know if it's even true if you haven't talked to Gareth about it?" She shook her head in confusion. "You said yourself his ex-wife is a crazy bitch. Why would you take her word for it? You need to talk to him, Malory"
"If I do I'm afraid it'll be over, and I'm not ready for that yet." I shook my head. "Besides, it's obvious he doesn't even like kids. He never even looks or acknowledges Alice or Daniel when he's around them." I pressed my lips together and shook with more sobs.
Lydia sighed heavily. "Malory," she said sympathetically. "Just because he doesn't pay attention to other people's babies doesn't mean he doesn't want kids of his own. Andy was terrified of babies before Alice, and wouldn't go anywhere near them. When we were at David and Natalie's house, he barely even looked at Daniel. I don't think he even held the little guy once before we had our own." She grabbed my arms and gave me a hard stare. "You need to talk to him, sooner than later."
I sniffled pathetically. "I know," I whispered then bit my lip as my fear and uncertainty overwhelmed me. That was easier said than done.
"Then promise me you'll do it."
I nodded jerkily, knowing she was right.
"Good," she said. She let me go and grabbed a tissue from a nearby box. "Here." She handed it to me. "Get yourself back together, so you don't have a meltdown in front of Dad and Andy. They'll grill you for sure if you don't, and I know you don't want that in front of Gareth. Then you're going to tell him all of this when you're alone together later tonight. Alright? You know if you don't, you'll drive yourself insane."
"Okay," I whispered as I nodded again, biting at my lip nervously.
Lydia pressed her lips together with a sympathetic expression. "Come here." She opened her arms and I fell into them gratefully. "Everything's going to be okay, Mal," she added softly. I just hoped she was right.
After spending a few more minutes calming myself down, we went back out to find the guys were in the living room now. The three of them were chatting, Andy the more animated one of the three as usual, and they all seemed to be getting along just fine. I should have been happy about it. I should have been relieved, but all I felt was bone deep sadness.
Somehow I managed to hold it together and sit down on the sofa next to Gareth. He took my hand and rubbed soothing circles along the back of it with his thumb as he continued talking to Andy and my dad. I stayed silent trying to enjoy his touch and not dwell on what I had to do later that might end what we had so soon, too soon. He kept eying me with concern until he finally leaned in close to my ear.
"Are you not feeling well, beautiful?" he whispered. "We can go home. I bet I can make you feel better once we're alone." He leaned away and gave me a sexy smirk. My God, nothing sounded better than letting Gareth dominate me and take all my worries and fears away for a while, but I didn't think it would work today since he was the cause of it.
"I...I think I need to go to my place, and lie down," I answered quietly.
"I can come in and hold you for a while if you want," he suggested. His eyes softened. "I've missed you."
"Okay," I replied, knowing once we got to my place I had to tell him what was bothering me. I feared he would be leaving shortly afterwords, and he'd never hold me again. A deep sense of loss fell over me, and I was actually feeling physically ill now, my stomach churning with nausea.
We said our good-byes and left shortly after that, Lydia giving me a meaningful and sympathetic glance as we walked out. We drove for a while in silence as I stared out the passenger window, wallowing in my fear and sorrow. I sat there wondering how I was going to cope with being alone again after this was over, and knowing I'd never be the same again.
"Malory?" Gareth finally said as he pulled to a stop at an intersection a few blocks from my apartment building. "What's going on? Did I...did I do something to upset you?" He put a comforting hand on my thigh, his voice soft and sincere. "Please." His hand squeezed my leg. I looked at him and saw him frowning worriedly. "Whatever I did, whatever it is, I...I wished you'd tell me, so I can fix it."
Yeah right. The only way to fix it was for me to walk away from the only man I'd ever really loved because we weren't on the same page at all it seemed. I suddenly didn't want to talk about this today. I wasn't ready. I just didn't have the courage or the strength. I pressed my lips together and looked away as I tried to keep from crying again. A long moment of oppressive silence passed, and I could feel Gareth watching me. I heard him sigh as the light turned green. He continued driving, the silence stretching on and on until he finally pulled up at my building and stopped the SUV.
"Damn it, Malory, talk to me," he blurted out in exasperation, clear annoyance in his tone now. "I can't read your goddamn mind."
I turned to find him staring at me intently with a deep frown and dark intimidating eyes. I wanted to tell him, I really did, but I was too terrified, so I lashed out without thinking.
"Gareth, I'm fine," I snapped out irritably in my desperation not to talk about this now.
His body instantly stiffened as his face hardened. "If you're not feeling well, then perhaps it's best that I just go home now," he replied in a frighteningly calm and dismissive tone, but there was no mistaking the obvious anger and pain glittering in his eyes. He turned away to stare pointedly out the windshield.
I couldn't blame him for being angry and hurt, and I felt horrible about the way I'd been treating him these last few days, lying about what I was really feeling and avoiding him. I opened the car door and climbed out with a resigned sigh. I turned back to look at him once more.
"Gareth..." I said waveringly. "I...I..." I trailed off, not knowing what to say since I was too scared to give him what he wanted.
He held my gaze for a moment, his eyes softening a bit, but his voice was firm and unyielding when he said, "Let me know when you're ready to talk."
"Okay," I said in a quiet subdued voice.
I closed the car door, then stood there in my own self-inflicted misery as I watched him drive away. Tears blurred my eyes and cascaded down my cheeks. I didn't want to cry out here on the sidewalk where there could be witnesses, so I turned and hurried toward the building with my head down.
Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a man in a dark suit with short reddish-brown hair standing a few yards from the door smoking a cigarette as he watched me. I was embarrassed to be seen crying, and tried to ignore him as I walked past him to get to the front doors.
"Trouble in paradise?" a harsh raspy voice asked with an obvious edge of sarcasm as I came abreast of him.
I whirled toward the man and glared balefully at him, opening my mouth to say something biting and snide. However, the cold green eyes that met mine were cruel and completely devoid of humanity. They instantly set my nerves jangling with warning bells that stilled my tongue before I could utter a sound. I watched a vile smirk pull at one corner of his mouth as he held my gaze, a long stream of cigarette smoke rising from his mouth to billow upward into the air. Icy cold fear trickled down my spine, and I turned and scurried into the building to get away from the scary jerk, eager to be home, so I could wallow in my misery alone as his low evil chuckle followed me through the door.