After Saint Louis came Washington, DC, followed by Philadelphia. It took until then for me to fully get my bounce back and to forgive Mal. Well, to begin to forgive Mal. As much as everyone else liked to rationalize it, the memory of him driving his fist into Ben’s gut still felt too fresh. My bitch-slapping hand started to twitch every time he came near. I couldn’t help it.
Ben and I living together had not been the astronomical step toward a bright and beautiful romantic future I might have secretly, stupidly hoped for.
But that was my problem, not his.
There’d definitely been no more hugging. As a roommate, he was very polite—and frequently absent. Yep, Ben was a busy boy. He’d emerge from his room grizzly and bed-headed at nine and we’d have breakfast together, which was nice. For an hour or so we’d chat over pancakes or eggs Benedict or whatever. Conversation usually revolved around my health and the movie I’d watched the night before. Then he’d disappear to “do band shit.” I don’t quite know what he did, but apparently it took him all day and well into the night. So I’d taken to sitting up in front of the TV, hoping to catch him when he came in at whatever time. Instead, I’d wake up tucked into my own bed, come morning.
All very friendly. I just needed to adjust. Still. And damn it, tonight I would. Tonight, my crush on him came to an end. It had to. The man really was hell on my heart and loins.
“Remind me again why we’re here,” said Anne, slipping her arm around my shoulders.
“To party.”
“We’re here to party?”
“How could you doubt it?” I smoothed the big, flowy black T-shirt down over my small bump of a belly.
“So long as we’re not here to spy on Ben.”
I scoffed. “As if I’d do that.”
“’Cause you’re so over him.”
“Big-time. Huge. We’re friends.”
Anne made a humming noise. “Friends don’t let friends stalk their friends.”
“You and I aren’t friends, we’re sisters. Totally different.” My jaw cracked on a particularly large yawn. Ugh. This growing a baby stuff really took it out of you. “You have to suck it up and support me no matter what crackpot crap I do.”
“You two still sharing the suite but not the bedroom, huh?”
“Do you really want to know?” I asked, curious.
She sighed. “You’re pregnant with his baby. I give up. Of all the males I might have chosen for you, he’s not even remotely on the list. But at the end of the day, it’s your choice, not mine.”
I nodded, pleased.
“I just want you to know, you have options.” Just like when we were kids, Anne twirled a lock of my hair around a finger and gave it a tug. I slapped at her hand, same as I’d always done. She grabbed my fingers and held on tight. “Mal and I have been talking. However you want to do this, we’re happy to support you. Whether that’s move in with us or whatever.”
“I appreciate that.”
“And on the off chance you and Ben can’t work things out, you don’t need to worry about money.”
“Ben wouldn’t leave me hanging like that, Anne.”
“I’m just saying—”
“I know. But trust me, I don’t need to worry about money.”
“No. You don’t.”
“Yeah, I really don’t,” I said, turning to face her. “He put six figures in my account before the tour started.”
“Huh.” The whites of Anne’s eyes were showing. “Good. This makes me think better of the bearded wonder.”
“Mm.” It was a step up from her calling him the Sperminator, at least.
We sat huddled together in a single large lounge chair, watching the postconcert party get going. When I’d moved into Ben’s two-bedroom suite, the party had changed location to the room of Down Fourth’s singer. He shared the smaller suite with his girlfriend, the band’s drummer. She’d been more than welcoming, if a little surprised, when we knocked on the door.
I had the worst feeling that Anne was right, though, and I shouldn’t have come. Not to this room, this tour, none of it. Also, apparently my mood currently registered around the shitty level. Shooty. No, that didn’t work. Crappy. Yes, crappy made for a suitable non-sweary replacement.
“I hate that I have to be looked after, that all of a sudden I’m no longer me, I’m a condition, a baby-making machine.” I leaned my head against Anne’s with a Poor me sigh. “Should have stayed in Portland and worked in the bookstore. I don’t belong here.”
“Of course you belong here. Don’t be a dolt.”
I gave her a half smile. “I sound pathetic. Quick, slap me with a wet fish or something.”
“If only I had one handy. This baby sure makes you an interesting person to be around. I never know what mood I’ll get next.”
“You have no idea. I need to get laid so bad … my dreams are just one endless stream of pornography.”
“Oh-kay. So go on, talk to me about him. I’ll try to be open-minded.”
“There’s not much to say.”
“You two looked pretty cozy when he stormed the castle to rescue you from your evil sister and brother-in-law.”
I raised my brows.
“Sorry,” she said. “When he pushed his way in because he was worried about you—kudos to him for caring—you two looked like you were getting on well. I take it this is no longer the case, since you’re clearly unhappy and we’re lurking here, waiting for him to appear.”
“We’re very polite. We’re always texting, he checks on me constantly, and if I need him he’s there. But … I don’t know. It’s not like we’re really saying anything. We share the same space but we’re living at a distance. He does his thing, I do mine. He gets up and goes, comes back in the early hours after drinking here with these guys.”
She frowned.
How to explain it? It was all such a mess. “Thing is, I can’t get over him when I’m living with him. The proximity doesn’t work. It just turns me into some perverted weirdo, hopped up on pregnancy hormones, sniffing his dirty laundry.”
“You sniffed his dirty laundry?” Anne gave me a look of much judgment.
“It was only a shirt.”
She cleared her throat. “Right. Okay.”
“Anyway, it doesn’t feel right, the way things are. I invaded his private space, taking up the offer of moving in. It was a bad move. So I’ve been thinking about either heading home or getting my own room.”
“Don’t leave. Move back in with me and Mal. I promise we’ll keep the sex noises under control.”
“No way. I still get these horrible flashbacks of that night and wake up crying, terrified that some sexed-up howler monkey is going to attack me.” The sniggering—I couldn’t contain it if I tried. So I didn’t.
“Funny,” she said drily.
“Thanks. I amuse me.”
“I hate the thought of you being on your own.”
“I know. But I’m going to be a single parent, Anne. I am on my own, it’s a fact of life. Time I got used to it.” I shrugged. “I know you and Mal want to do what you can, and I appreciate it. I do. Bean’s lucky. She’s going to have an awesome extended family with all of you guys.”
“She really is.”
I gave Anne’s knee a friendly squeeze. “I’m glad we could talk about this. I’ve missed talking to you.”
“Sorry I was so judgy. It was just hard, with all our plans for you to study and everything.”
“Yeah, I know.”
We just about sat in each other’s laps we were so close. After the last few months, I think we needed it.
“I keep telling myself that he and I are just going to be friends,” I said, letting it all out, dumping the whole sorry story on her. “There’s a deeply stupid part of me that’s still holding out hope, however, that doesn’t quite want to accept it. I can’t sit in his hotel room waiting for him to come home so we can have some magical moment together that’ll fix everything and make it right. He and I are never going to be like that. I just have to accept it.”
My sister just stared at me. “You have real feelings for him, don’t you?”
I snorted. I don’t know, it just seemed ridiculous that she was still in denial after everything.
“Sorry. I guess I just always thought this was some crush you’d get over,” she said. “But it’s not.”
“No. But it’s way past time for me to move on. You’re right there. Hence we are here, waiting for him to make an appearance. I’ll see him in action, schmoozing with sexy women, and hopefully realize the depth of my silliness. Then I’ll tell him it’s time for me to go big and get my own room or go home.” I picked up my glass of lemonade from the coffee table and took a sip.
Anne cocked her head, studying me. “Are you in love with him?”
Good question.
“I just thought … maybe seeing him in action isn’t what you need,” she said. “Maybe taking a stand would work better.”
“Demanding he love me? I don’t think that would work.”
“Hmm. But back to the original question. Do you love him?”
“I’m not sure I even know what love is.”
“Does it hurt?”
Air was apparently in short supply. I stared at my sister, confused at the question and yet completely understanding. And that question—I didn’t want to answer it. I needed to concentrate on my definites. Bean. Being a mom. Things like that.
“Well?” she asked.
“Yes.” And god I hated it. The truth sucked.
Slowly Anne nodded, no smile on her face. “I’m sorry.”
“Anyway.” My smile felt so impossibly plastic. It was a wonder my face didn’t crack. “When he gets here, I’ll talk to him. In the meantime, party-party girl, that’s me. And I’ve got a feeling this one’s going to be an all-nighter.”
“It’s nearly midnight. I’m impressed you’ve managed to stay awake this long.”
“You’re only saying that because I’ve been asleep by eight o’clock every night this week.”
She smiled.
“You wait. Later we’ll go completely crazy and do shots of warm milk. It’ll be awesome.”
“Living on the edge.”
“I know, right?” I turned to look over my shoulder at my new, ever-present shadow. “You can do the honors and pour, Sam.”
“I’ll look forward to that, Miss Rollins.” The security man gave me an austere nod, never taking his eyes off the room. Damn it. He joked and smiled with the members of the band. I’d witnessed it with my own two eyes. Eventually I’d wear him down.
From out in the hall came the unmistakable wailing of He Who Shall Not Be Named. Stage Dive had finally arrived. Or some of them. Mal barreled into the room, searching for his mate, while Ben wandered in at a more sedate pace, chatting to a dude I didn’t recognize. Ben’s hair was slicked back, his beard neatly trimmed. I guessed he’d changed shirts after the show, because this one was a black button-down, neatly ironed. The cuffs were rolled up, the top few buttons undone.
He looked lovely. Hell, he looked like love. Harps, angels, all of it. God, I was a sap. I really had to get this under control, for my own sanity’s sake if nothing else.
The crowd suddenly seemed at capacity. I guess a lot of people had been hanging out downstairs in the hotel bar, waiting for the important people to arrive.
The mad drummer went down on one knee before Anne, holding out a hand. With a grin, she placed her fingers in his.
“Who is this unearthly creature I see before me?” he asked. “You dazzle my eyes, mysterious stranger. I must know who you are immediately.”
“I’m your wife.”
“Thought you looked familiar.” He kissed the back of her hand, turning to rest his spine against the bottom of the lounge chair, between her legs. “Fuck that was a long night. Adrian lined up an interview after the show. Next time the little butt-weasel does that, remind me to kill him.”
“You got it.”
“Work my shoulders please, Pumpkin,” he asked, cracking his neck. “I hurt.”
Anne started rubbing him down. “Book you a massage tomorrow?”
“You’re the best.” He gave me a pat on the knee. “Lizzy, you talking to me today?”
“I haven’t decided yet,” I said.
“Isn’t much of it left, baby momma. Better make up your mind.” He smirked. “Benny-boy know you’re here?”
“I don’t have to report my whereabouts to him,” I sputtered.
Mal laughed. “No? This should be interesting.”
“Tell him, Sam.” I chugged down my lemonade.
“Miss Rollins is a fully grown, independent adult,” the security man reported dutifully.
“Puh-lease,” said Mal. “Fifty says he hauls her ass out of here within the next five minutes.”
“You’re on.” Sam shook his hand.
Screw them both. If I had to choose, however, Sam would get the win. With no grace but with great purpose I wriggled and lifted, maneuvering my way up and out of the chair. “I’m going to the ladies’ room.”
“Oh now, c’mon. You can’t hide from him,” cried Mal. “That’s not fair.”
I just smiled.
“Benny-boy, look who’s here! Why, it’s sweet little Liz, and she’s up way past her bedtime. Don’t you think you should do something about that?”
The asshat. With swearing ruled out, I flipped Mal the bird. No way was he winning the bet. I’d talk to Ben when I was damn well good and ready. With all due haste, I ducked my head and made for the bathroom. The great thing about pregnancy is the way you basically always need to pee. It makes for such an awesome hobby. Sam took up guard duty outside as I opened the door and slipped in, shutting and locking it.
And wow, how about that. The bathroom was occupied.
“Hi.” I raised a hand.
“Liz, hey.” Vaughan laughed, one hand going down to cover his abundant essentials. “Guess I forgot to lock the door.”
My face was on fire. “Guess so. Sorry to barge in.”
“My bad. But good to see you.”
“Good to see you too.” And to see so very much of him. I stared, stunned. Whoa, the man was built. What this did to my already hormonally needy-in-the-sexwise charged state was a worry. “Yeah. Ha.”
“Been wanting to catch up with you. How are you?” he asked, running a spare hand through his wet hair, all relaxed-like.
“Good.”
“Heard you were sick,” he said.
“It was just a cold. I’m fine now. Feeling great.” And horny. Wildly horny. The boy didn’t understand how close to being attacked he was.
“That sucks. Glad you’re better.”
“Thanks.” As long as my eyes stayed on his face I was fine. It’d just been a while since I’d seen any downstairs action. No need for my cheeks to go thermonuclear. How uncool to get all fussed. Clearly the man himself had no such hesitation about nudity. “How’s the tour been going?”
“Great. Really good.”
“Excellent.” I studied the floor. “Yeah. Should I leave?”
“No, stay. Fuck knows when we’ll get another chance to talk alone.”
“Ah, okay, sure. You maybe want to wrap a towel around your waist or put on some pants?”
“In a minute. I want to ask you a question first,” he said, dimple flashing in his cheek. The man was seriously cute. Also, nice to know he was a natural redhead. I didn’t mean to look, it just happened. A bare, unintended glimpse when I first walked in. A real live naked man smiling at me invitingly—my body liked the notion all too much. Crazy-ass hormones.
“Shoot,” I invited, my face firing up yet again at the thought of his groin. Holy crap.
“You really pregnant?”
“Yes, I am.” I flattened the oversize shirt again over my belly. Soon there’d be no chance of hiding it.
“Damn. And I take it the daddy’s Ben, huh?”
My mouth stayed shut.
“Not so hard to figure out.” He reached for a towel off the rack, wrapping it around slim hips. “There’s tension between him and Mal, but no one’s saying why. Then you come on tour.”
I shrugged. Not my business to admit to anything on Ben’s behalf. It was only on the part of my big mouth that Vaughan knew anything was afoot. Or abelly. I guess it should really be abelly.
“Dude definitely didn’t like it last time we talked,” he said.
“True.” But who could explain why Ben said and did half the things he did when it came to me? I highly doubted even he had a clue.
“Then the parties move to here because you’re sharing his room, all of a sudden. Even I could figure that one out, and I’m apparently not the most perceptive.”
I narrowed my eyes, outraged on his behalf. “Who said that? I think you’re great.”
“Thanks.” He grinned, hands on hips. It might have been my imagination, but I’m pretty sure his towel was sliding down. Man, if I could just stop looking. Me and my hand needed some alone time. Again.
“I think you’re great too,” Vaughan said, his eyes going soft as he stared at me. “Sucks that the situation’s the way it is.”
“Yeah.” Or did it? How often did I get a pass from a very nice man with such enviable assets? “I mean, he and I aren’t together together. I’m single. But yeah, definitely pregnant.”
We both jumped at the sudden knocking. Then Ben’s deep voice boomed out from the other side of the door, “Liz, you in there?”
Vaughan and I looked at each other, something uneasy stirring deep inside of me. God, was that guilt? I had no reason to feel guilt. None at all. Though the idea of explaining how I accidentally stumbled in on a wet, naked Vaughan could probably wait for later. Forever would also be fine.
“Be out in a minute,” I called back.
“’kay.”
“He treating you right?” asked Vaughan, his voice dropping in volume.
“I think he’ll be a good father.”
“Not what I’m asking.” He took a step closer, studying my face intently. Outside, the music took a dramatic jump in volume. Good timing.
I didn’t know what to say. Or think. “I, um, I’d appreciate you not saying anything about the baby to anyone yet.”
“’Course.”
“I better go.”
“Sure,” he said. “Ben’s waiting.”
“Right. Yes. Going.” I fumbled behind me for the door handle, giving him a slightly dazed smile.
Vaughan stepped to the side, out of the line of sight. What a surprising encounter. Guess I’d finally started glowing. Of course, it might be the boobs. After I’d had the baby perhaps I’d consider implants, if this was the sort of attention they got me. Ha! Just joking. Mostly.
The minute I stepped outside, Ben was standing there, waiting, looming. Immediately my body went on high alert. I searched his face for his mood, read his body language (mildly impatient with a trace of don’t-poke-the-bear cranky). There could be no denying that Vaughan was built and pretty. You’d have to be two days dead not to get turned on at the sight of him naked. But even then, Vaughan hadn’t gotten to me like this. The moment I came into Ben Nicholson’s orbit I was helpless, powerless to resist his pull. Foolish heart and vagina. The brain knew better but no one was listening.
People now filled the room and music was blasting out of the stereo. Ben bent, putting his mouth near my ear. “Anne said you wanted to talk. Let’s head up to the room, yeah?”
I nodded.
“Everything okay?” he asked. And man, he’d asked me that question over and over again in so many different ways lately. I was tired of putting a smiley face on it.
“Let’s talk upstairs.”
He put an arm around me, safely guiding me out of the crowded room. People were dancing, drinking, who knows what. It was a regular rock ’n’ roll hootenanny. We stayed silent, waiting for the elevator. When it arrived it was empty.
“Have a good night?” I asked, stepping inside.
“Explain something to me,” he said, backing me up against the nearest wall.
“Ah, what?”
With muscular arms braced above my head, he narrowed his eyes on me. “I heard another voice in that bathroom. A man’s voice.”
I wasn’t going to lie to him. I had no reason to. “Yes, I was talking to Vaughan.”
“You were talking to Vaughan in the bathroom?” His head lowered, nose coming close to touching the tip of my own. The man had a raging fire in his dark eyes, I kid you not. Actual real live jealousy, burning bright.
“Are you serious?” I asked, deeply confused because I couldn’t afford to be elated. Any minute now he’d do his usual thing and run. Just like in his truck that night. Just like in Vegas. I didn’t really think I could handle it again. Not now. My life felt precarious enough as it was, so susceptible to sudden, extreme change.
“Very,” he said, clearly cranky. “I already warned him off you.”
“But you and I are just friends, remember?”
He blinked, outrage momentarily suspended by surprise.
“We already had this conversation and that’s what you said you wanted,” I said. “And now you’re looking like you want to pee on my shoes to mark your territory.” I shook my head. “What’s going on here?”
“We need to talk.”
“Yeah, good idea.”
“Did he make a pass at you?”
“Not about that,” I groaned. “Ben, I’m getting my own room. You do your thing and have your space, and I’ll do the same. I think we’ll get along a lot better long-term that way. That’s what we decided, right? So that’s what’s happening. Decision made.”
“Because of Vaughan?” he asked, his back teeth grinding.
“Vaughan has nothing to do with this. Because of us having a baby. Because of you and me and this crappy cycle we’ve got going on where I get my hopes up and then you run away or hide behind the friends thing. It’s completely doing my head in. It’s not healthy.” I set my hands against his chest and pushed him back a step. “You know, you pretend to be this easy come, easy go, laid-back kind of guy. No ties or commitment, just living the rock ’n’ roll lifestyle to the limit and all that. And hey, that’s just awesome, Ben. Good for you. But if that’s who you want to be, then don’t go making a separate set of rules for me. Because that’s as hypocritical as fuck.”
Whoops. Another dollar for the swear jar.
His jaw shifted angrily. Or his beard did. Whatever.
“Good night.” The elevator doors slid open and I slid out, walking so fast I was damn near running. Time to get my stuff packed. If there wasn’t a spare room, I’d share with Anne and Mal for the night, make other arrangements in the morning. Man, I was so tired. Could have sworn my limbs weighed more than a mountain. If I was glowing, it sure as hell didn’t feel like it at this time of night.
“I never wanted to be in a relationship,” he yelled from back down the shiny hotel hallway.
“Congratulations. You’re not.” I gave him the bird too, because the bird was not swearing.
“Lizzy! Fuck. Wait.”
I slid my key through the door lock and hustled my ass on in. Not locking him out, though it was tempting. But hell, one of us needed to be the adult. I charged on through the living room and into my room, grabbing a suitcase from out of the closet. It was already over half full. When you only ever stopped for two nights at a time, there never seemed much point in unpacking. A few items were hung up—a coat and a couple of dresses. The rest had gone to the laundry service. There was just my makeup and junk in the en suite, a couple of pairs of shoes strewn on the floor, and I was good to go. Vacating the premises, ahoy!
“You’re leaving,” he said, standing in the bedroom doorway.
“Yep.”
“Liz…”
“Hmm?” I turned, waiting for whatever nonsense he’d try to sell me on next. The big man just stood there, though, face set in harsh lines.
And he had nothing.
“Probably for the best,” I said. “I’m not sure there’s anything either of us could say right now that would help. Let’s take some time to calm down and talk about it tomorrow, okay?” Yeah. Toothbrush, hairbrushes, and all that crap got thrown into my toiletries bag, which was then shoved into the corner of the suitcase. Next went my Converse, Birks, and fancy sandals with a heel. Then everything out of the cabinet. “You know, I think if we have our own space we might actually be able to give the being friends thing a good shot.”
No comment.
Over went the top of the suitcase and I started zipping it up. Better call someone up to help me carry it, since I doubted Ben was in the mood to be helpful. If I’d been warned once about lifting heavy objects “in my condition,” I’d been warned a hundred times. I’d mosey on down to reception and—
Ben’s hand slipped around to cup my jaw, his lips pressing firmly against mine. My mouth had been partially open already; no big deal for him to slide his tongue in and rub it against mine. He kissed me determinedly, taking me over. Christ, I could feel that down in my toes. They curled up tight, along with my eager insides. The edges of his beard brushed against my face and his other hand grabbed my ass, pulling me in tight against him. Already the man was thickening, getting hard. It felt so superlatively, unbelievably good. All of it.
And wrong.
“W-what are you doing?”
His reply was the lash of his hot, wet tongue against the side of my neck. Every nerve-ending in the vicinity went up in flames, while I went up on my toes, leaning into him, getting closer. No. Bad me. This wasn’t what we were supposed to be doing at all.
“Oh god. Maybe we should talk now.”
The man’s hands, they were so clever. Beneath the skirt of my jersey and up and into the back of my panties before I had a clue where they were even heading. Strong fingers kneaded my butt cheeks while his teeth sank into the base of my neck. He groaned as my breath stuttered, my lungs contracting sharply.
“I’m supposed to be going.”
If I could just keep my legs shut I might yet win this battle. It seemed an insurmountable task, given the array of his arsenal. The size of his artillery. One hand dived down further, stroking between my legs, while the other held the back of my head. I was helpless, the battle lost. God, I sucked. All right, so I was too turned on to think straight and my hormones were in open rebellion. Any attempt at coherent, rational thought was mercilessly slain upon the altar of my lust. Damn it.
“B-Ben.”
In a move proving he was indeed one of the greats of rock ’n’ roll, he kicked my suitcase clear off the queen bed with one big, black boot while dipping me back into his waiting arm, while moving his hand around to the front of my panties to apply pressure to my clit in the most amazing way. Holy hell. Stars danced before my eyes, I was so ready to light up for him. Vegas had nothing on me.
Someone really needed to give him an award, though. Something to do with multitasking and hot sex moves and shit. Shoot.
My back hit the mattress and he climbed over me, situating himself between my legs. Fuck he was gorgeous. The strong, clean lines of his cheekbones and the moody-ass gonna-get-me-laid darkness of his eyes. I couldn’t catch my breath, but it didn’t matter. My breasts straining against his chest was its own reward. It was entirely possible I currently owned the hardest, happiest nipples in all of creation. They were so sensitive.
Who said pregnancy isn’t fun?
He covered my mouth with his, kissing me stupid once more. Man, he tasted good. All the while he kept his weight on one elbow, putting no pressure on my belly. The things he could do with his free hand were delightful—running it up and down the outside of my thigh, slipping it up, up beneath my shirt to trace my ribs. But wait … I couldn’t give up this easy. It was shameful. I’d been in the middle of making a point and everything.
“I was leaving. I was.”
No answer from him. Instead, his hard cock rubbed back and forth between my legs, making my back bow. One pair of jeans and one pair of panties too many. That was the problem right there.
I gasped. “I don’t think friends that are just friends are meant to do this.”
Without comment he sat up, grabbing the back of his button-down shirt and pulling it off over his head. His chest was so pretty. So hard and big and stuff, it made my IQ drop to my shoe size. Everything about him did. The bearded sex machine turned me into a stuttering fool. Sad but true.
“Ben, I can’t just spread for you the minute you decide you want some.”
Sitting back on his heels, he grabbed both of my legs, holding them up against him. Off went my shoes, followed fast by my panties.
“Wait.”
He didn’t.
“Maybe I’m not interested in having sex with you.” A blatant lie. But I was getting desperate for some kind of communication from him of the nonphysical sort. “Did you think of that?”
His gaze on mine, he held my underwear up to his nose.
“Oh my god, do not sniff my panties. Ben!”
A slow grin spread across his face.
“That’s terrible. You don’t see me going around doing stuff like that, do you? No.” On account of me not wearing any pants, they couldn’t catch on fire. Lucky.
He threw the innocent, soaked scrap of material aside.
“Anyway, my vagina is out of control. That proves nothing.”
He placed a soft kiss against one of my fat ankles, giving it a good looking over.
“And don’t look at my ankles. You know how I feel about them.” I tried to retrieve my limbs, but he held on tight, wrapping both arms around them, holding them to his hot chest. “Why are you doing this?”
Slowly, he started one-handed massaging my toes. Nice, but beside the point.
“Say something.”
“You said there wasn’t anything I could say that would fix things,” he mumbled, his warm, wet mouth kissing the side of my foot, his beard ticklish in just the right way. “Figured I’d just show you why you should stay.”
“Sex?”
“Seems to be what you want right now.”
I snorted. “You started it.”
The bastard smirked. “Tell me more about your pussy being out of control. This interests me.”
“No.” Me and my idiot mouth. “Nothing to tell.”
The lethal combination of his soft, warm lips and sleek beard was doing me in. The heat and strength of his body. Every time he touched me, I could have sworn there were sparkles inside of my skin. Little lights burning me up in the sweetest possible way. How the hell was a girl supposed to compete against that? The man had sexual superpowers and I was just me, dysfunctional at the best of times.
“Why do you want me to stay?” I asked, voice ever so slightly pleading. I didn’t even know what for. Fingers wrapped around my ankles, rubbing gently. “Because of the baby?”
“No,” he said. “Because of everything.”
“‘Everything’ being…”
His forehead went all wrinkly. “I don’t know. I meant what I said. I never wanted to be in a relationship. But then you never wanted to be having a baby so young. Guess we’re both just going to have to figure it out as we go along.”
“Um, no.” I shut my eyes tight. “Ben, we’ve been here before. You think you want something with me but then it’s all too much and you run. And it’s okay. It’s okay for you to just concentrate on your music and living free and easy and to not want to be in a permanent relationship. What’s not okay is for you to get my hopes up again, because honestly the comedown really sucks.”
And that was my professional psychology student opinion, right there.
“Liz.”
“No. I can’t do this again.”
He fell silent.
Too much emotion ran through me, my body at odds with my sensibilities. Damn, this was hard. I drew back from him and started crawling off the bed. A nice long cry in a hot shower, that’s what I needed. Plus to get off. This hotel had an excellent showerhead and I’d be making the most of it, yessiree. And maybe some ice cream too. It really was an excellent remedy for a broken heart.
“Wait.” A strong arm stopped me, drawing me back against his body. I just went. The man had the muscles to put me where he wanted—he’d already demonstrated it on numerous occasions. Me liking being in his arms would just have to be ignored.
“Why?” I cried. “C’mon, Ben. Give me a legitimate reason. Why should I stay?”
“Because of this.” One oversize hand splayed across my belly, his tanned skin a stark contrast to my own. “Because of us. We made a baby, Liz. You and me.”
“Ben…”
“Shh. Relax. Give me a minute here.”
Easy for him to say; he wasn’t having yet another emotional breakdown. Fire-trucking hormones. That I wanted him so bad didn’t help at all. Sexual frustration seemed to own me. But the risk of emotional damage was too damn high.
“Didn’t realize you’d gotten so big.” His fingers gently stroked my bump. “It’s only been a week.”
“Yeah,” I sniffled. “I kind of popped.”
His nose nuzzled my neck, lips placing gentle kisses. “Have you ever seen anything more amazing in your life? Our baby growing inside of you.”
I nodded, covering his hand with my own. “I know.”
“Then share it with me. I want to see you every day. I want to know how you two are doing, and be a part of things.” Despite his soothing words, I couldn’t help but tense up in his arms. “You’re beautiful. Relax.”
“You try relaxing with a huge boner rubbing against your back. I’m trying to break up with you—not that we’re even together—and your penis is not helping.”
Next came soft laughter, but he made no move to remove said hard-on from the area surrounding my buttocks.
“You’re going to have to get over being jealous,” I said. “Eventually I’ll meet someone else. You can’t go caveman every time a guy speaks to me. Baby or no, you don’t have the right, Ben.”
“Then give me the right.”
“So you can get scared and bolt? No.”
“Shit. Look, I can’t get over you, Liz. That’s the problem.” He rested his chin on my shoulder. “You’re the only girl I want.”
I stilled. Well, apart from the frown. “It this about your erectile issue? Because you don’t seem to be having much of a problem right now.”
“I don’t have an erectile issue. I have a you issue. My dick thinks you own it, apparently. But there’s more to it than that.…”
“Cocks don’t think. We went over that.”
“We were wrong.”
“Huh. So I have a pet penis. Okay, keep talking.” Curiosity had definitely gotten the better of me. “What more?”
Heat flooded the side of my neck as he pressed his face there. “Can’t fucking stand the thought of someone else touching you.”
I rolled my eyes. Such a Neanderthal. And while both were interesting points, neither constituted an occasion for any actual change from our status as friends.
“It’s not just about the baby.” He grunted.
“I’m not so sure about that,” I said, resting my head against his. Foolish of me, but it felt nice, cozying up to him. Besides, he’d grabbed me first.
“It’s the truth.”
“Prove it.”
“Prove it? How the fuck am I supposed to do that?”
“I don’t know.”
“Christ. All right. I only used Sasha…” The rest was a mumbled mess. His warm mouth pressed against my neck, smothering the words.
“What did you say?”
More mumbling.
“Ben, speak clearly.”
With a groan, he raised his head, leaning around to look me in the eyes. “I only used Sasha to get over you. Knew you couldn’t be just a casual thing, and Mal kept asking what had happened in Vegas, if I’d gone out with you or what. Then he started saying you were seeing someone and he thought you were bringing them to the party.”
“What?” I asked, screwing up my nose.
“Yeah.”
“Why the hell would he do that?”
“Why do you think?”
“God that man is such a shit stirrer.” Another coin for the swear jar. It’d be funding Bean’s college education and first home at this rate. A gap year touring Europe, perhaps.
“Always has been, always will be. So I invited Sasha to that dinner to get him off my back. And I was missing you, and you wouldn’t talk to me, and I thought you were bringing someone else.”
I just shook my head.
“I don’t know if it was just me trying to make you jealous or if a part of it was me trying to move on or what. She was a cool woman.”
My chin jerked up. “You thought she was cool?”
“You didn’t?”
“I didn’t think she was that cool,” I said in a voice without a trace of snobbery. Not even the merest hint.
“No?”
“I’m just saying, I thought she was a little bit know-it-all, really. Arrogant. And her hair was dumb. So … blue.” Her hair was impossibly cool, but no way was I admitting to that.
The silence behind me was deafening.
“What?”
“Nothing,” he said in a voice that implied anything but.
“Oh shut up.” I sighed. “Fine, she was somewhat cool.” At some point I’d started playing with his fingers, twining them with mine, touching and toying with them. This was the problem with Ben. For me, being intimate with him came far too easily.
“Anyway,” he said. “That was all before I knew about the baby.”
“That was a deeply crappy and immature thing to do to her.”
“Yeah,” he said solemnly.
“No wonder she was mad.”
A nod.
Fingers caressed the side of my face tenderly.
“I’d have gone medieval on your man bits, if I was her,” I said.
His brows descended in a fierce look.
I just shrugged. Reap what you sow, baby.
“Had to pay her off to keep quiet about you. Adrian and the lawyers sorted it out.”
“No! The bitch.”
“Hmm.”
I huffed out a breath. “So we’ve established that we make each other behave like we’re back in middle school. What does that prove?”
“That we need to figure this thing out between us.”
“I thought that’s what we’ve been trying to do.”
A hand cupped my jaw. “I don’t mean fight it. I’m done fighting it. I mean go slow and figure this thing out.”
My forehead was a mass of wrinkles, I could feel it. I doubt my heart was much better.
“Sweetheart?”
“I don’t trust you, Ben. I’m sorry. I wish I could feel differently. But I keep trying to do this with you, and thinking you want it too, and…”
“And I keep fucking it up.”
“Yes.”
I thought he’d let me go, run off back to the party to lick his wounds—or someone else maybe. But he didn’t. Instead he settled on the bed with his back to the headboard, taking me with him, arranging me in his lap. I didn’t fight him.
“Are you angry?” I asked, mystified.
“How do they say…” He made a low noise that was pure damn sex of the vocal chords, I tell you. “Lizzy, when you say you don’t trust me it makes me feel like I want to tear shit up and go ballistic.”
“That’s an understandable if somewhat violent response.”
“But with our history, shit’s complicated,” he said, rubbing his mouth and bristly beard against the back of my neck, sending shivers down my spine. Oh wow yeah. I needed to wear my hair up all the time. That felt divine.
“And as you said, we’re having a baby,” he said.
“True.”
“But I’m not running away this time. Say what you want. Shred me. I’m staying.”
“You are?”
“Yeah.” Capable hands separated my legs, hot skin soothing up my thighs. Christ, I loved it when he touched me. So damn much.
“What are you doing?” I asked, ever so slightly breathy.
“Nothing.”
The backs of his fingers ran up my inner thighs, tracing a path with his knuckles. I nearly cried when he stopped short of my pussy and turned back.
“I do not believe you.”
Neatly, he folded up my skirt, exposing it all. A sound of pure sex vibrated out of his chest, traveling through into my spine. “Fuck, Liz. Look at you. Love your pussy. Missed it.”
“Mm.” My shoulders tensed, rising higher. “Ben…”
“It’s okay.”
“This feels dangerous.”
“No. This feels right,” he murmured, teeth nipping at my ear. “You got my dick on a leash. Might as well have the rest of me.”
“What does that mean?”
“Means I’ve given up getting over you and I’m focusing on getting into you instead.”
“Neither of these statements are reassuring me, Ben.” I leaned my head back, twisting to the side so I could see his face. Seemed sincere. But then, I’d made that mistake a time or two before. “Explain in non–rock ’n’ roll speech please.”
“And you said Sasha had an attitude.” The corner of his lips twitched. “Means I’m going to get you to trust me again.”
Me? I had nothing.
Staring at me all the while, he stuck two fingers in his mouth to wet them. Then he ever so slowly traced them back and forth over my labia, making me gasp. Everything down there spasmed in glee. Lord help me. If the man ever guessed to what degree he owned me, I’d be doomed.
“Fuck, sweetheart. You really are out of control. I’ve barely touched you.”
“It’s the baby hormones. They’re psycho.”
He smiled. That smile—I didn’t trust it. But holy hell was it beautiful. My heart and my loins went into bloom. A rush of heat and emotion crashed through me. It was entirely possible I was in love with the bearded jerk, god help me. “You really want me to trust you?” I asked.
He drew slow circles around my clit before sliding the tip of a finger back and forth through me. The man slowly played with me. Pure, exquisite torture.
“Yeah,” he said. “I really do.”
“You’re serious about this? Us?”
“I am.” Still not breaking eye contact, he slid a finger into me. “You’re very wet.”
“Yeah. You know, it’s kind of hard to focus on relationship talk when you’re fingering me.”
“We can talk all you want later. Promise.”
“’kay.” I made a pitiful noise in my throat, my muscles tightening on his thick digit. My own hands were claws, digging into his rock-hard, jean-clad thighs.
“I mean, you got hot for me in Vegas. But this … Sweetheart, Christ, this is fucking awesome.”
“I masturbate. A lot.”
“Not anymore,” he rumbled. “Looking after you is my job. Trust me, Lizzy. I won’t let you down again.”
The finger inside me sought a sweet spot and proceeded to massage it with expert ease. Just that simply, he turned me inside out. It was a mercy my nipples didn’t poke holes through the fabric of my shirt. They sure as hell felt hard enough. My shoulders pushed back against his solid chest as the side of his thumb brushed back and forth across my clit. Lightning and shooting stars and all of the good stuff. The whole world went to white.
I throttled the scream in my throat. Or at least part of it. Oh boy and damn. I lay panting in his lap, my skin oversensitized, sweat beading on my forehead and back. How perfect.
He gently cupped my pussy with his hand. “I can still feel you throbbing.”
I stretched and yawned, slowly coming back down to earth. All of the happy was mine.
“You really needed that.”
“Yeah.” I turned, cuddling against his chest. If I stayed sort of on my side, the bump was happy enough. And what a nice, big, comfortable man he was. Especially helpful when it came to orgasms too. His fingers were far superior to my own, I had to say.
“You going to sleep on me now?” he asked, incredulous.
I nodded, closing my eyes. Damn he smelled good. They should bottle his sweat. I’d buy it in bulk. Meanwhile his hard-on continued to press into my hip. Bad luck, bud. I was down and out for the count. No could do.
“You wanted to go slow,” I said.
Disgruntled rumbling came from beneath me.
“You really want to be my boyfriend?” I asked, half opening one eye.
A hand smoothed down the fabric of my skirt and he shuffled us down the bed a little, getting comfortable.
“Boyfriend? Huh.” His rough, deep voice rolled through me, lulling me further toward sleep. “Never been anyone’s boyfriend before.”
“No?”
“No.”
Arms encircled me, the bristle of his beard brushing against my forehead as he settled back against the cushions.
“Your boyfriend,” he mused.
“It’s a big decision. You should take your time, think about it. Let me know when you’re ready to talk about it again.”
His forehead creased. “You sure are playing it cool.”
And about time, frankly. Lord knows, chasing after the man hadn’t gotten me anywhere. A girl could only beat her brains against a brick wall for so long before it was time to rethink things.
I shrugged and slid my hand up his side, getting closer. His skin was so smooth, his smattering of chest hair delightful to the touch. Everything about him was delightful really. In all likelihood, even his toenails would thrill me. Didn’t mean I’d be making it too easy on him.
“Liz?”
“Hmm?”
“This boyfriend position … it come with perks?”
“Maybe.”
“Do I get to sleep with you and shower with you?”
“Yes.”
He made a happy noise. “What about touching? Do I get to feel you up when I like?”
“Within reason.”
“Got to say, sweetheart, your body was always gorgeous. But it’s seriously off-the-fucking-charts beautiful right now.”
“Really?” I asked, raising my head to give him a curious look. “Mostly I just feel leaky and lumpy.”
A large hand cupped an ass cheek, rubbing. “Fuck no. You’re all soft curves and you’re carrying my baby. Never thought that’d be a big turn-on—never thought about it at all. But, sweetheart, it is.”
“Huh.”
“What else is involved in this boyfriend shit?” he asked, his voice rumbling through his chest and into my ear.
“‘This boyfriend shit’? Seriously?”
“Sorry. You know what I mean.” He gave me a squeeze. “What else? C’mon.”
“All right. Let me think.” I trailed my fingers through his beard, sliding them back and forth through the soft whiskers. I could lie on him all night, happily, listening to his heart beating strong and steady within his chest. Feel the rhythmic rise and fall of his ribs with each breath. To lie there and know that this special man was alive and chose to be with me, here, right now. That sounded just like heaven.
“You know, I’m really not sure myself,” I said in a quiet voice. “I’ve never had an official boyfriend before. But we have to be there for each other, and we have to talk. I don’t see how it could work any other way.”
“Hmm.”
“And obviously, we’d be exclusive.”
A grunt.
“If you decide it’s what you want, then we take it slow and figure it out as we go, I guess.”
“Yeah.” He rubbed the heel of his hand gently up and down my back, smoothing out the tension.
“Ben, I don’t want to take your freedom. I just want a place in your world. An important one.”
He craned his neck, tipping my chin up to make me look at him at the same time. “Sweetheart, you’ve been important since day one. Only girl I kept coming back to. Didn’t matter how far I ran, I couldn’t get you off my mind. Never been this way about another woman.”
“No?”
“No.”
Fingers rubbed at my neck, working out the kinks. Silence fell between us for a while.
“I want to be your boyfriend, Liz.”
I couldn’t have held back the smile if I’d tried. “I’d like that.”
He brushed the hair back from my face, gazing down at me. “Okay.”
“Okay.”