NOW
“No.”
“What do you mean, no?” asked Anne, face incredulous.
“No. I’m not going to explain what went on between me and Ben to you.”
She just blinked.
“It’s personal.” I stood tall, despite feeling about two inches off the floor. “I just wanted you to know that I chased him, not the other way around. I had feelings for him and I acted on them. End of story.”
So I guess I would explain what happened between us. At least a little of one side of the sorry tale. Hopefully enough to save the band. Good god, did my pride lay in tatters on the floor.
Mal wouldn’t meet my eyes, and Ben’s nose was still bleeding. Awesome. What a mess. The entire dinner party had denigrated into some blood-splattered, rock ’n’ roll wrestling, multiple-surprise-baby-announcement mess. My fault. I should have handled it differently. Not that I had any idea how I could have done better just yet, but whatever. Doubtless some genius ideas would taunt me at two in the morning.
There were a lot of judgy eyes in the room. All of my new friends and family gathered around to watch the explosion. Shit.
“I’m sorry,” I said and bolted for the door. I grabbed my coat and left.
* * *
A banging noise.
I cracked open an eyelid. In the darkness the alarm clock shone 3:18 a.m. in brilliant green. What in the ever-loving hell? The banging continued, followed by the muffled sound of voices. One was loud and belligerent, the other far calmer. I got up and flicked on the living room light, stumbled over to the front door. Whoever it was would just have to take me in socks, old sweatpants, and an oversize T-shirt. Away from the warmth of my bed, goose bumps covered my arms.
“Liz?” a familiar rough voice demanded. “Open up.”
I did as asked, yawning and rubbing the sleep from my eyes all the while. “Wow. You look a mess.”
“Yeah,” said Ben, swaying slightly.
He stood upright mostly due to the aid of David, one big arm thrown over the other man’s shoulders. Hair hung in his face, combining with the beard for a cross between a yeti and a Cousin It kind of feel. From between the dark strands, red eyes peered out at me. Oh, and lest I forget, he also stank like he’d recently bathed in a keg of beer, using Scotch-scented soap. Lovely.
“Sorry ’bout this,” said the guitarist, half dragging Ben into my apartment. “He insisted on coming over.”
“It’s fine.”
“On the couch?” David asked, face lined with strain.
“Ah, have to be the bed, please. He’s too big to fit on the couch.”
“Serve his stupid ass right if he woke up on the floor.” David sighed.
“Let me help.” I slid beneath Ben’s other arm, trying to take some of the weight. Christ, the man could put a bear to shame in the sheer bulk department.
“Hey, sweetheart,” said the giant drunken sod.
“Hey there, Ben.” I grabbed hold of his hand, hanging on tight. “How you feeling?”
“Great.” He chuckled.
“I’ll go first,” said David, directing the three of us sideways so we’d fit through my bedroom door.
“Okay. Go slow.”
“Yep.”
Operation Haul the Drunken Baby Daddy into Bed was going well. Except when Ben kind of stumbled halfway through. He surged forward, his forehead cracking into the doorjamb. I swear I felt the building shudder. There was definitely an indent in the wooden frame.
“Ow,” he said, sort of contemplatively.
David just laughed.
“Crap. Are you all right?” I asked, trying to push the hair back from his face to see, while keeping him upright and hopefully safe from further harm. “Ben?”
“He’s fine. Dude has the hardest head I’ve ever seen. One time when we were kids we got stoned up on the roof of my house. Ben walked straight off the edge. We were all freaking out, but by the time we got down there he’d already gotten on his bike and headed home. The big idiot’s basically indestructible.” David directed us toward the side of the bed. “Okay, let him go.”
I did so, and the father of my unborn child toppled face-first onto the mattress. At least that had to be a soft landing. Still, he lay there completely unmoving, apart from the rebound of the springs. God, I hoped we hadn’t accidentally killed him. If we had, at least the neglect wasn’t willful.
I grabbed one of his sneakers and gave it a shake. “Ben, are you still breathing?”
A groan from the man on the bed. Not too bad, as signs of life went.
“Don’t worry,” said David. “He’s fine. Just let him sleep it off.”
I nodded, still frowning just the same.
“You right with him?” asked David, hands on his hips. “I can send Sam over if you like. He’s finished babysitting Mal from what I hear.”
“No need, thanks. Is he all right? Mal?”
He gaze softened. “Passed out just like this one, apparently.”
Seriously, such a mess. Anne and Mal would probably never talk to me again. Well, Anne would, but she was my sister, so she had to forgive me eventually. Mal was another situation entirely. The thought of losing his high opinion and easy affection bit deep. Consequences were a bitch. Realistically, however, I couldn’t imagine myself having done any differently even if I’d known Mal and Anne would be pissed. I mean, I’d already known that and it didn’t even make me pause. Fewer star-crossed lovers and more adults should be allowed to date who they wanted.
Maybe if I’d known the night would result in the bean … I don’t know. There was only one thing I was sure of: sex equaled nothing but chaos and confusion. It was official.
I squeezed my eyes shut. “You must hate me.”
David’s brow wrinkled up. “What? Why?”
“For causing all this trouble.” The urge to flail was huge, but I restrained it. For now. Instead, I got busy wriggling Ben’s shoes off his feet. No way were they making contact with my sheets.
“I’m assuming you didn’t have to hold a gun to Ben’s head to get him to fuck you?” The guy watched me unblinking, face dead serious.
“Um, no.”
David shrugged. “There you go.”
“Isn’t that taking a slightly overly simplistic view of the situation?”
He smiled. “In my experience, shit usually is pretty simple when you get right down to it. When it comes to matters of the heart, you decide where you belong and you go be there. Simple. Ben wanted to be here. Don’t think I didn’t try to talk him out of it, either. The bastard insisted.”
Maybe. “Wonder what his new girlfriend would make of your theory.”
“Yeah.” He winced, his mouth widening in imagined pain. “I’ll leave that one up to you two to sort out. But try not to stress. Can’t be good for Ben junior.”
“Right.” I rolled my eyes and dropped Ben’s shoe on the floor. “But how is this going to affect the band, the two of them fighting?”
It took him a long time to answer. “I honestly don’t know.”
Fuck.
“Night. I’ll lock the door on my way out.” He raised a hand in salute. “Call Ev if you need anything.”
“Thanks, David.”
The front door clicked closed behind him, leaving me alone with Ben. He lay passed out sideways across my queen-size bed. Ben was in my actual bed. Holy hell. I didn’t quite know what to do with that information. A pity there was nothing but boxes and junk in the spare room. Not that I didn’t want him near. My heart wasn’t so sensible. It was just time for me to start taking the safer option when it came to him. Past time even.
“Hey.” I leaned over the mattress, giving his leg a shake. “Roll over.”
A moan.
“Come on, big boy. Move it. You’re taking up all the bed.”
Incoherent muttering.
This was not working, and like hell I’d be sleeping on the love seat. I pulled off a sock and tugged on his big toe. “Ben. Wake up.”
In slow motion, he stirred, lifting his shaggy head and looking around.
“Roll over.”
“Wha—” He turned, easing himself up and over, as requested. He blinked and grimaced and looked generally displeased with the world. A lumpy red line bisected his forehead. Whatever David said, that had to hurt. “Lizzy?”
“Got it in one.”
“How’d I get here?”
“David just dropped you off, remember?”
He scratched at his beard. “Uh. Okay.”
“You need to move, you’re taking up all of the room.”
Bewildered, he rose up on his elbows and took a look around. “This your bed?”
“Yes.”
“Did we…” He raised an eyebrow suggestively.
“No, I already learned my lesson, thank you very much.”
“You sure?” He gave me a wonky smile. “It could be fun.”
“Yeah, you look like you’ve had enough fun for the both of us for one night, buddy.”
“Maybe.” He contemplated the thin cotton of my shirt for a good long while, one corner of his mouth moving upward. “Hey, you’re not wearing a bra.”
“Shut up and move, Ben.”
A groan. “All right.”
It took him about forever to wriggle and roll and finally get his big fat head up on the pillow. On my favored side, damn it. Whatever. I lie down on my back beside him, keeping a nice, fun, celibate distance between our two bodies just in case he decided to try and get some. More sleep would be so great. To grow the bean, I really needed rest. My limbs were weighed down with lethargy, my head full of blergh.
“We could cuddle,” he suggested, the words slurred, blurring together into one dumb drunken idea. Man, if he’d been even one inch sober I’d be all over him. A hug right now, letting me know everything would be okay, sounded sublime. A silly, childish wish, I know. Things were complicated enough. “I wouldn’t try nothing, swear.”
“Nice double negative. No, Ben.”
A grunt of dismay.
“Go to sleep.”
The world seemed still, almost perfectly quiet. A car passed by outside and the wind blew around the building. Everyone else would be fast asleep at this hour. I studied the water mark on the ceiling, the shadows cast by the dodgy old lamp on my bedside table. For some reason, being alone with him in the dark seemed too dangerous. The light could stay on.
“I’m gonna be a father,” he said, eyes closed.
My whole body tensed instantly. “So I heard.”
“Wasn’t planning on having kids.”
“You weren’t?”
“No.”
Drunk or not, he sounded so definite, so sure. It was like a dagger to my heart, the pain overwhelming. It hurt to breathe. “Not even when you were a little older?”
A sharp shake of the head in the negative.
Well.
I didn’t know what to say. My throat constricted and my eyes stung. He’d had little more choice in becoming a parent than I had. We were both being thrown into this, and there were plans more than mine being disrupted. Still, he wasn’t the one whose body was being hijacked, for all intents and purposes. Not that I hadn’t had the option to end the pregnancy. I did, but I hadn’t taken it. My heart had made its decision and there was no going back. Still, it was hard not to be all bitter and betrayed over his announcement. I didn’t even have the luxury of being able to get blind rotten drunk. And believe me, dealing with all this sober sucked. My rational mind coughed up so many plausible, reasonable excuses for him—he was surprised, he was drunk, give him a chance to think things over, blah blah blah.
But fuck them all. Fuck him.
I’d kind of already been expecting the worst, to be in this alone. Now I knew. Twice he’d disappointed me; this couldn’t be a surprise. Nothing had changed, not really. I slid a hand over my stomach, spread my fingers over the ever so slight bulge there. It might have just been my imagination, but I could feel her already getting busy in there, growing away. We’d be fine. We’d manage.
“Didn’t want to settle down,” he continued. “And kids, they need stability and shit. Time, energy, all those things.”
“True.” My voice sounded hollow, an emotionless echo.
At least I had the apartment paid up for the foreseeable future. Reece could no doubt use me more in the shop. I was fortunate there. Probably be best if I dropped out of school and started saving. Given how many days I’d been missing due to the puke-o-rama of morning sickness, my grades wouldn’t be rocking this term anyway.
I swallowed hard.
“Like my life the way it is,” he said, voice slurring at the edges.
“Yeah, I did too.” I gave my stomach a pat. “Sorry, Bean.”
“Like my freedom. Being able to jump on a plane and go jam with a friend or play on their album. Things were perfect the way they were.”
“Hmm.”
“Couldn’t stay away from you.”
“Why not?” I asked, honestly curious.
“Don’t know. You just … you stayed on my mind.”
“And other women didn’t?”
“Not like you.”
“No?” Perhaps booze boy was back to wanting sex. Given my heart got stupid the minute he appeared, it was hard to tell.
He exhaled hard. “Wanted you, but … you were my friend too. I mean, really my friend. You didn’t want nothing but me. To talk to me, to spend time…”
Silence.
“I knew you wanted more, but you didn’t push. Missed you when you were gone and I couldn’t tell you shit, talk to you about stuff.”
My turn to sigh.
“Liz?”
“Yeah?”
“What are we gonna do?” He sounded almost afraid.
I gave in and rolled onto my side, all the better to watch him. If only he looked worse in profile. Instead, the dominant nose and plush lips seemed almost majestic somehow. The bastard. I inched closer, studying him. Eyelids closed, lips sealed shut. His forehead had smoothed out in repose, the curve of his cheekbones so obvious. I’d never really gotten to stare at him to my heart’s content. All the same old feelings rushed up inside, only now there was more. So much more. A tiny bit of him and me was growing inside my body, making a permanent connection between us. It was kind of terrifying. I wondered if she’d have his mouth or his eyes.
The room stayed silent.
“Ben?”
I waited, but he said no more, his breathing falling into a deep, even pattern. Then the snoring started. I reared back in surprise. Holy fucking hell. He had to be kidding me. I covered my head with the pillow, resisting the urge to smother him with his. A chain saw duel to the death would be quieter than the commotion currently going down in his nasal region.
“Ben,” I cried into the pillow, throwing in a scream or two of frustration for good measure, and more than a couple of tears.
This guy and me, we were doomed from the start.
* * *
“Time to wake up.” I ever so gently kicked the bed.
The man sprawled out spread-eagle across it didn’t even move. Sadly for him, Sleeping Beauty’s time had come.
“Ben!”
His head shot up, eyes dazed and confused. “Huh?”
“Wake up. It’s nearly eleven.”
I set his coffee on the bedside table, then wandered over to the other side of the room to sip my own. Also to throw back the curtains, because I’m mean on broken dreams and limited sleep.
He blinked, yawned, and shied back from the light of day like a vampire. The dude definitely didn’t sparkle, however. Nor did he smell particularly fresh.
Out of all the many fantasies I’d had about him, his waking up in my room looking like roadkill hadn’t featured strongly. Yet, even with his clothes and hair all askew, and stinking of sweat and beer, there was just something about him. Something magnetic, urging me to get closer, and closer still.
Stupid me. Probably just pregnancy hormones or something running rife.
“Lizzy.”
“Yeah?”
“Ah, shit,” he groaned. “Davie listened to me. He should have just dumped me back at my hotel.”
No comment. “Coffee’s there beside you.”
“Thanks.” Slowly, he sat up, rubbing at his head. Then he looked around the room, taking it all in as if for the first time. Which it pretty much was. His eyes lingered on the cheap Japanese woodblock prints I’d picked up at the markets, and my stuffed bookcase. The stack of laundry waiting for a day when I wasn’t busy feeling like I was about to start yet again puking my guts up. No doubt the scene was a dramatic comedown compared to what he had to be used to. I’d imagine chandeliers, marble, lots of splendor. Glamorous models in the place of one pasty-faced girl with wet hair and old jeans and an equally worn sweater that’d shrunk in the wash.
Whatever.
“We need to talk,” I said.
He froze, and fair enough. Honestly, those four words had to be the most loathed between two people, ever. They were basically a death knell, right up there with we can still be friends. Except he and I had never gotten that far.
“Yeah, we do.” He took a gulp of hot coffee, watching me over the rim of his cup the entire time. “Why you hiding over there? Scared I’m going to get physical or something?”
“No.” I sat on the edge of the bed. “Just wanted to keep out of your way in case you felt the need to bolt again.”
He coughed out a laugh. “Ouch.”
I shrugged. Then I felt guilty. Then I remembered the snoring and stood tall once more.
“Look,” he said, turning his head my way. “Whatever you need from me, okay?”
My mouth opened, shut. “Thank you.”
His fingers flexed around the cup of coffee. “You want to keep it, right?”
“Yes.”
A nod.
I took a deep breath, reaching deep inside for some strength. Time to get on with the business of letting him off the hook and out of my life. No tears or tantrums. We were beyond that now. “I know you didn’t want to have children, Ben. That you like your life as it is. So if you—”
“I never said that,” he bit out.
“Yes, you did. Last night.”
“Lizzy.” Dark eyes pinned me in place. “Hold up. What I say when I’m drunk off my ass doesn’t mean a damn thing, all right?”
Given how many interesting things he’d said, I wasn’t so sure about that. “All right.”
“Do not use that against me.” His nostrils flared as he took a big breath. “Last night … you kind of caught me off guard with this.”
“It kind of caught me off guard too,” I said, struggling to keep my voice from going all fishwife on his ass. “I didn’t want to tell you under those conditions, Ben. It just happened. You can thank your new girlfriend for being so discreet.”
He flinched. Direct hit, ten points.
“Look, what I’m trying to say here is that it’s my decision to have this baby. And if you decide that you don’t want us impacting on your life, then I understand.” I curled an arm around my middle, hunching in on myself. “That’s all.”
Slowly, Ben rose to his feet, setting the coffee cup aside. “You think I would do that to you?”
“In this situation, I honestly have no idea how you’re going to react.”
“You’re just expecting the worst.”
“Last night—”
His hand cut through the air. “Do not repeat what I said last night.”
I said nothing.
Then he must have realized how bad it all looked and sounded. The anger in his eyes calmed, his stance relaxing. “Shit. Sorry. I didn’t mean to raise my voice.”
“What do you want me to do here, Ben?” I threw my hands in the air. “Give me a clue. I’m pregnant. Neither of us planned it. We’ve barely even talked since that night in Vegas, and now you’re seeing someone new. What do I do?”
“Give me a chance to catch up.”
I just stared at him, trying to keep my cool. Took two to tango, yada yada.
“I’m serious.” His shoulders heaved up and down. “Just give me a chance to catch up and I promise, Lizzy, I will have your back.”
It sounded so promising. Honest to god, it really did. “What about your girlfriend?”
“She’s got nothing to do with this.” He didn’t even hesitate. “This is just between you and me.”
“Right.” Any issues I had with the woman and her place in his life were mine. Sucked to be me. “Okay.”
He picked up his coffee, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he drank deep. “I’ll, ah, get the lawyers to start drawing up some papers.”
“Lawyers?”
A sharp nod.
“You’re going to need money—living expenses, whatever. They’ll get that all sorted out. Make sure you’re looked after.”
“Oh.” I stared at the rumpled bed, my mind in a whirl.
“That okay?”
“I guess I was hoping we could keep this just between you and me. But you’re right. You need to protect yourself.”
“Lizzy, I don’t mean I think you’re going to try and rip me off or something.”
“I’d hope not, considering I haven’t asked you for a single thing.”
Wow. Talk about looking uncomfortable. His tongue worked behind his cheek as he glared at the view out my bedroom window. Guess the tree out there really had done him wrong.
“The rent on this place is paid and I have a job, so I’m fine for now. But you get your lawyers to do whatever.” I rubbed at the sudden pain between my eyes. This conversation was enough to give anyone a headache. “Guess I better get one too.”
He pushed his hands into the back pockets of his jeans. Then he changed his mind, sat, and started putting on his shoes. “It’s best if we get all that official stuff sorted up front, you know?”
No, in all honesty, I really didn’t know. He’d just clearly demonstrated as much. My stomach performed a particularly nauseating somersault maneuver and I swallowed hard, fighting back the urge to puke. Gah. What I needed was a cracker. A cracker would solve everything. With all due haste, I hustled ass into the tiny kitchen and got busy feeding my face. This at least I had under control. Nothing I could do about Ben and his lawyers and whatever. But fetching a cracker? Now that was within my command.
Bean and I would be fine.
Fuck the world and all the rest.
“I gotta go,” he said, now avoiding my eyes from the all-new position of the living room. Awesome. Once he left, he’d have to get a new hobby. Maybe he could work at forgetting my name or something. “There’s a practice session I need to get to. Tour kicks off soon, so things are really busy right now. Thanks for being cool about me crashing here. It won’t happen again.”
“Sure,” I said.
“And don’t worry about money or working extra hours. I’ll get that all sorted out.”
“Great.” And it was great, but it was also cold and businesslike. “Thanks.”
He mumbled some other stuff, but I just kind of tuned out. It was nothing I wanted to hear. How depressing this day had turned. I hated everything and everyone and anything else I could possibly think of. Apart from Bean. She was the innocent one in all of this mess.
God, sex sucked.
Never, ever would I do it again. Not even a little.
Also, there was a sad lack of cake at this pity party. Enough. I needed to shake this shit off. Get my mojo back. I’m positive pregnant women are supposed to glow or something. I just needed to find my light. Perhaps I’d go for a drive, get some fresh air. A solid idea. Right now, getting as far away from here as I possibly could sounded delightful, and my car was something special. It’d been waiting for me at the airport upon our return from Vegas. Mal had, as promised, gotten me a baby blue 1967 Mustang GT for my birthday. Best present ever. It was the prettiest heavy metal beast on the block. Ben looked vaguely panicked every time he laid eyes on the vehicle.
But yeah, my car was awesome.
A pity it wouldn’t be suitable for transporting a baby around in, having only two doors. I’d just have to make the most of my beauty while I still could. Given that I had a whole day to myself, that meant driving out to the coast.
“Later, Liz.”
“Later.” I raised a cracker in salute, but he was already gone. And, for once, my heart couldn’t quite bring itself to care.