CHAPTER TWELVE
CADE REGISTERED THOSE painful words with a sense of bitterness. He felt bad about the things he’d said to her. He’d been striking out at her because of jealousy, and yes, he’d said he couldn’t offer her marriage for all kinds of noble reasons. But when he’d come so close to losing her, reality had settled on him like a vulture. And now he felt more than a need to protect her. He wanted Bess. He especially wanted children. He was getting to the age where settling down wasn’t so frightening a thing. Money would be scarce with the family to think of, but they could manage. Anyway Gary and Robert were pulling their weight, and the ranch was pulling into the black. He could afford to start thinking about marriage now.
“I thought you’d been sleeping with Ryker,” he said after a minute. “I was jealous as hell and hurting. I lashed out because of it.” He saw her startled expression and he smiled faintly. “Shocked? I’ve always been jealous of you. Even now, having to watch Robert with you tears me apart.”
Her breath caught. So close to heaven, she thought, and she didn’t dare let herself be caught in that sweet web.
“Robert’s just being kind,” she said huskily.
“Hell. Robert’s halfway in love with you,” he said shortly. “Thank God Gary’s engaged. At least I don’t have to worry about him.”
She searched his face and almost smiled at the irritation there. “I’m not going to have an affair with Robert,” she promised.
“I’m glad, because an affair is out of the question,” he said shortly. His eyes narrowed. “Even with me.”
Her heart jumped. “You said in San Antonio that an affair was all you had to offer. That you wouldn’t ever want to marry someone like me.”
He sighed angrily. “Oh, I was eloquent, wasn’t I?” he muttered. “And you’ll never forget a word I said.” His dark eyes swept over her body in the gown, settling on her full, soft breasts, their tips suddenly hard where he was staring. His body echoed that hardness, and he clenched his teeth at the unexpected shock of pleasure before he forced his eyes back up to hers. “Look, you’re wearing that on your ring finger already,” he pointed out, indicating the silver ring he’d given her. He took a steadying breath. “So why don’t you just consider yourself engaged for a bit, and let’s see where we go from there?”
He said it a little clumsily, and she realized that he’d probably never asked a woman to marry him before. Her heart was in her eyes as she looked at him and dared to dream for a few precious seconds. He was asking her to marry him! Her pulse raced wildly as she stared at him, wishing. Wishing!
But she knew she couldn’t. Why he’d made the proposal puzzled her, unless it was out of guilt or to keep Robert from her. Probably, she thought miserably, it was the latter. He wouldn’t have wanted Robert marrying a woman he wanted. He did want her, she realized, even though he felt nothing else for her. Even in her innocence she knew that men were sexually jealous sometimes, and Cade considered her his private property. He’d even told Robert she was, and he’d been angry when he’d said it.
“You don’t have to get engaged to me to keep me from Robert,” she said, and then watched the shock that momentarily rippled over his features. It made her wonder if she’d accidentally hit on the truth, but surely he wouldn’t ask her to marry him just for that reason! Or would he? An engagement wasn’t a marriage after all. An engagement could be broken when she was back at work and out of Robert’s orbit.
“Bess...” he began, uneasy at her statement. He hadn’t meant it that way at all.
She sighed. “Anyway I don’t want to get married right now. I’m only twenty-three, and I’ve just had a taste of freedom. I don’t want to settle down yet. Now that I’ve started, I want to prove that I can make my own way in the world.”
He scowled and his eyes narrowed as he looked around the room. It was neat and clean, but nothing disguised the age of the furniture or the worn spots in the rug or the faded curtains and the quilt. This room, like the others, had a single lightbulb suspended on a cord instead of light fixtures or chandeliers.
“Your barn back at Spanish House was more luxurious than this room,” he said quietly. “It would be a long drop from Spanish House to Lariat, wouldn’t it, honey?” he demanded, furious because he’d never proposed to anyone before and Bess was acting as if he’d offered her a cup of coffee or something. “You wouldn’t have elegant dresses or go to dinner parties or entertain rich people here, and you couldn’t afford diamonds.”
It might be the easy way out, to take advantage of the differences between them and play Miss Ingenue to his Rugged Cowboy, she thought. But she was too softhearted to hurt him that much.
“I know that,” she said softly, her eyes involuntarily caressing his dark, hard face. “Cade...” she began.
But he wouldn’t listen. “And I guess kids would be out of the question for a career woman, too, wouldn’t they?” he demanded, his eyes blazing. “God forbid that you should have to come home to take care of them.”
Her knuckles went white as she gripped the coverlet, hating her body for what it could no longer give him—the sons he wanted. “I don’t know that I want children,” she said quietly.
He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He’d let her go to San Antonio. He’d forced himself not to do anything to tempt her to stay here. Now she’d become the independent, strong woman he’d known she could be—except that this new Bess was totally independent. She didn’t want, or need, him. She didn’t want his children. And what he had to offer wasn’t enough. He wasn’t rich enough to suit her. His pride bristled.
He felt wild. He wanted to throw things. He wanted to pull the ceiling down around him. Maybe all she’d ever felt for him was infatuation. Because if she loved him, really loved him, she’d have said yes without hesitation. He felt a coldness inside that was like ice against his rib cage. He was too late.
His silence brought her eyes up. He didn’t show emotion very often, and his face was unreadable just now. She’d hurt his pride and she felt guilty, but it was better this way.
“Thank you for asking me, Cade,” she said quietly, hiding her threatening tears. “You’ll never know how much it meant...” She broke off because her voice trembled.
Cade was too bitterly hurt to notice the betraying quiver. He turned away. “Can I get you anything on my way out?” he asked in a voice that could have started fires.
She shook her head. “No. Thank you.”
He strode toward the door without looking at her. “I’ll have Mother look in on you later.”
He went out without a word, without looking at her, without even a cold glance. His straight, muscular back was eloquent, and she felt the tears raining down on her pale cheeks the second the door closed behind him. She’d deliberately let him think that she’d only felt an infatuation, that she was only interested in her career. She lifted the hand with the silver ring to her lips and kissed it with aching hunger. One little word, and she could have been his wife, his lover. She could have shared his life and taken care of him and slept in his arms every night. But it was inevitable that he’d wonder why she didn’t conceive. And when he found out the truth, that she’d deliberately concealed it, he’d never forgive her. It was better to let him hate her than to face that certainty.
Even if it was relatively easy to make that decision, it was hell carrying it out. She cried herself to sleep that night and every night afterward. It was like being given a taste of heaven and then having it snatched away. She loved him more than her own life. But denying him the children he wanted would be more cruel in the long run than refusing him now. She had to keep that in mind.
But she dreamed of him all night every night, of his hungry kisses at her apartment, at the tenderness he’d shown her on the way back to Lariat from the hospital. She was haunted by the images of him, by the lost hopes and dreams. Only the little silver ring on her finger was left of that time, and she hadn’t been able to remove it. Cade noticed, but he didn’t say anything. He withdrew into himself, and while he was polite, he never sought her out or tried to be alone with her again. Her refusal had hurt him as nothing else ever had. He’d been so certain of her acceptance that the rebuff had sent him reeling. He’d thought she loved him, but she hadn’t.
Meanwhile Robert was taking advantage of Cade’s aloofness to entertain Bess. She made it clear that she had nothing to give him emotionally, and he’d accepted it with outward ease. But the way he looked at her sometimes made her uncomfortably aware that he wasn’t as lighthearted as he pretended. He was hoping, despite what Cade had said, that she’d change her mind. Everyone was aware of Cade’s animosity toward Bess. He openly avoided her when he wasn’t glaring at her, and it gave Robert renewed hope.
Bess enjoyed Robert’s company, his stories about the ranch and his knowledge of marketing. He was the only friend she had right now and a soothing balm for the breach between Cade and herself. She only hoped Robert wasn’t going to get hurt. Ignoring him hadn’t accomplished anything, and even her blatant statement that she liked him as a friend didn’t deter him. Gary worried and Cade muttered and cursed, but the friendship went on.
Gussie watched the new development with worry, too. But despite the fact that Gussie was learning to cook and even helping Elise around the house, Bess was still wary of her. She wanted to prove to Bess that she wasn’t totally useless, but Bess simply ignored her.
Eventually Gussie became desperate for the key to unlock her daughter’s dislike.
“I wish you’d tell me what I’ve done, besides the obvious,” Gussie said, sighing one day when everyone else had gone to town. Gussie was dusting in the living room while Bess sat quietly in an armchair reading a new detective novel that Robert had loaned her.
Bess looked up from the book, searching her mother’s worried face. Gussie was trying, she understood that. But knowing that her mother had been responsible for such a tragedy in the Hollisters’ past made it difficult. She couldn’t bear the thought of how much it hurt Cade to know that her mother had caused his father’s death. Cade had worshipped his father.
“How can Elise bear to have you in her home?” Bess asked finally.
Gussie stopped in midstride, her face white. “What?”
“It’s an open secret, isn’t it?” Bess asked. “Cade told me, the night I wrecked the car. He said that you killed his father—that you were having an affair with him.”
Gussie sat down heavily on the sofa. “He told you that night?” she asked. “He told you, and upset you with it and that was what made you run from him!”
“That, and the argument we had,” Bess replied. She frowned. “How could you do that to Daddy?”
“I didn’t.” Gussie groaned. She put her face in her hands. “My God, I didn’t.” She looked up. “Hasn’t Cade said anything to you since I took him the cake in his study? Hasn’t he told you what I said?”
Bess closed the book. “No,” she said. Cade never spoke to her.
“Bess, I know I’ve got my faults, but I’ve never committed adultery with anyone, least of all with Coleman Hollister,” she said, and the very quietness of her tone was convincing. “He was having an affair, yes. He had several. But never with me.”
“Then who was he having it with?” Bess asked curiously.
“With Cade’s girlfriend,” she replied. “That’s right, a woman half Elise’s age, and beautiful.” She laughed bitterly. “Cade had bested him on a bronc,” she continued. “So Coleman was going to get even. He called Cade to bring him some papers, and he was going to let Cade find him in bed with the girl. She didn’t know. She was in love with him. I was at the hotel having lunch and I guessed what he was up to. I headed him off.”
“And then Coleman had a heart attack while you were still there,” Bess said, shocked that she’d believed her mother capable of such a thing in the first place.
“I was going for help when Cade got there,” Gussie said simply. “He made the obvious assumption, and I couldn’t contradict him without bringing the girl into it. It was Elise I was thinking of, but the girl was also the daughter of some friends of the family. It would have been a horrible scandal, and I thought it was kinder to let Elise think it was me than to hurt her like that. She’d have hurt twice as much because Cade was indirectly involved, don’t you see?”
Bess did. Her eyes became cloudy, and she looked down at her feet. “I’ve always accused Cade of looking for the worst. I guess I’ve been doing the same thing, haven’t I? I’m sorry I believed him.” She looked up. “He doesn’t know, does he?”
“Yes, he does,” the older woman replied. “I got tired of the pretense. He won’t tell Elise the truth any more than I will, but he had a right to know. Elise has forgiven me despite what she thinks I did. No friend could ask for more. Now I’m trying very hard to earn her respect and trust again.”
“But it wasn’t your fault,” Bess argued.
“I stuck my nose in,” Gussie said, smiling wistfully. “When you take on other people’s trouble, you have to expect a few blows. I love Elise like a sister. I’ve never forgiven Cade for blurting it out in front of her. He forced me to keep quiet when he accused me. The only way I could have defended myself would have been to hurt Elise more.”
“No wonder you’ve hated him so much.”
“Not anymore,” Gussie said. “Hatred is a waste of energy. I’ve decided to do something with all mine. I’m buying into a business, Bess,” she added, leaning forward earnestly. “I can sell what’s left of my jewelry to raise the capital I need.”
“What kind of business do you have in mind?” Bess asked warily.
Gussie grinned. “A talent agency,” she said.
Bess laughed softly. Her mother actually meant it. “But what do you know about job placement?”
“Lots,” Gussie replied. “One of Frank’s best friends is in the business. I phoned him several days ago and he’s going to let me buy into his agency. He’s promised to teach me the ropes when we get back to San Antonio. To start out, I’m going to work with him. Later on I may open a new branch and operate it myself.”
“Mama!”
“Don’t faint,” Gussie laughed. “It’s really me. I just figured it was time I stopped being a liability and became an asset. When I get my first paycheck, I’ll treat you to dinner.”
“Steak, of course,” Bess murmured.
Gussie glared at her. “A burrito at Del Taco,” she corrected. “I can’t throw away money, I’m on a budget.”
“Oh, I love you,” Bess said with warmth.
Gussie could have cried when she saw the softness in her daughter’s eyes, the love and respect. It would be worth anything not to have Bess mad at her anymore. She bent down to hug the younger woman.
“I love you, too, baby, even if I haven’t said it very often or shown it very much.” She stood up, brushing away tears. “I’ll get my own apartment as soon as we get back,” she added, “providing you’re well enough to be left by yourself.”
“You can stay with me...” Bess offered hesitantly.
Gussie shook her head, smiling. “No. Now that we’re both trying to be independent, it’s best if we stick to our guns. We can visit without infringing on each other’s freedom. Okay?”
Bess smiled. “Okay.”
“Now, I’d better get back to work before the others come home.” Gussie sighed. “Acres of dust around here, what with three grown men tracking dirt in and out. Honestly, you should see what Elise has to wash out of their jeans!”
Bess sat and listened to her, totally enchanted with this new person. At least this was one positive note in her life. It didn’t make up for Cade, but it was nice all the same.
Robert was still her shadow. It was pleasant to have him to talk to, but she had a terrible feeling that it was more than friendship on his part. Even though she’d told him she had nothing to give, it made her feel guilty. And when Cade was home, it seemed to make him even colder when he saw his youngest brother in Bess’s company. He didn’t say anything or make sarcastic remarks. He simply withdrew into himself and became unapproachable. Somehow that was worse than shouting, because Bess sensed that she’d hurt him deeply.
It had been almost a month now since the accident, and Bess was up and around and feeling much better. She’d been working on her presentation for the new ad campaign in her room at night and on the front porch during the day, and it was almost done. Soon she’d be able to go back to work. She’d phoned the office every week to report her progress, and Jordan Ryker had called once or twice himself. He’d talked to Bess, but Cade had answered the phone. His dislike of Ryker and his fury at having him call Lariat were all too evident. Bess expected him to say something, but he never did. He simply ignored her afterward.
Bess was glad that she was making such progress, but Cade’s coldness was beginning to affect her work and her sleep. She couldn’t understand why he was so angry that she’d refused his proposal. He didn’t love her. Was it pride or guilt that drove him? He asked Gussie or Elise about her progress, never her. She could have told him that she was feeling much better physically. Her abdomen was healing nicely, except for occasional twinges of discomfort. Looking at it, the scars weren’t all that disfiguring. They were much less painful than the emotional ones of knowing that she could never bear a child.
Cade, meanwhile, was getting some scars of his own, and they were visible ones. He’d taken a bad toss in the bronc riding in New Mexico, and when he came home, he was limping again. The injury had aggravated the other tendon injury that had never had the chance to heal. Cade, being Cade, pushed himself until he dropped. But this time he’d added a few cuts and bruises to his face and arms, as well.
Cade had signed up for two rodeos while Bess and Gussie had been staying at Lariat. There was another one in San Antonio a few weeks down the road. He’d won good money so far on the circuit, but Bess was holding her breath now. She’d told Cade that she didn’t care for him, but it was hard to watch him without letting her dark, soft eyes show what she was feeling. Since he’d been back from New Mexico, his attitude had grown even more distant than before. He wouldn’t even look at her, especially if Robert was in the same room with them. He skipped meals, presumably to avoid her, and he looked gaunt and driven. Bess couldn’t help worrying about him, or letting it show that she did. But Cade didn’t notice her sad scrutiny.
The Friday before Bess was scheduled to go back to San Antonio to work, Elise took Gussie with her to a garden club meeting. With Robert in Kansas City for the day, Gary in town working with the bookkeeper on taxes and Cade out on the ranch, Bess was left alone in the house.
She was sitting on the porch swing, staring at her work without any particular interest, when she heard a horse riding up in the yard.
It was unusual for Cade to come home before dark. He looked perfectly at home in the saddle, his lean, elegant body in denim and chambray lazily echoing the motion of the bay under him, his Stetson at an arrogant slant across his dark, quiet face as he leaned over the pommel and stared at her.
She was wearing a colorful button-up tent sundress that didn’t put too much pressure on her rapidly healing abdomen and she was barefoot. He found her scribbling new ideas on the big sketch pad beside her, her honey-brown hair loose around her shoulders, just washed and fragrant as it waved gently in the breeze.
Her heart raced as it always did when he was anywhere in sight. All her dreams were centered on him. Her soft, dark eyes roamed over him lovingly, caressing his face, his broad shoulders tapering to narrow hips and long, powerful legs in worn black boots.
“For a woman who doesn’t want me, you have covetous eyes,” he remarked as he swung down out of the saddle and dropped the reins, leaving the horse to nibble at his mother’s prize lilacs while he mounted the steps.
She colored, her perfect complexion exquisite with the faint blush on her cheeks. “Your horse is eating Elise’s flowers,” she said softly, watching the horse devour a particularly pretty blue columbine.
He lifted an eyebrow. “They’ll grow back,” he mused.
He picked up her sketch pad, sparing a glance at the neat artwork before he laid it on the glider and sat down beside her. He took off his hat and tossed it onto the sketch pad. His lean hand ran through his dark hair, pulling it back from his forehead. The breeze was pleasant, and patches of sunlight drifted onto the porch. Cade rocked the swing back into motion, one lean arm thrown carelessly behind Bess’s shoulders.
“You’re home early,” she remarked quietly.
“I got through early.” He turned, his dark eyes sliding over her face, down to the soft rise of her breasts under the thin fabric of her dress. “Where are Gussie and my mother?”
“Gone to a garden club meeting,” she said. “Gary’s still in town with the tax man, I guess.”
“Estimated taxes are due,” Cade mused. “Just when I think we’re ahead, we fall back a few thousand.” He looked down at her. “Has Robert called?”
“No. Isn’t he coming back tonight?” she said falteringly.
His dark eyes narrowed. “Why? Can’t you stand it without him even for a day?”
She took a deep breath and lowered her eyes to the wild pastel colors of her dress. “Don’t, Cade,” she pleaded.
“Robert’s in love,” he said. “If you can’t see it, you’re either blind or too stubborn to admit it. I tried to warn you.”
Her heart jumped. She knew it, but she didn’t want to face it. “I’ll be going back to San Antonio Monday,” she said.
“He’ll follow you there, with flowers and music and probably a ring. He wants you!”
Her eyes closed. “Why do you care?” she cried, lifting her wounded eyes to his. “You don’t want me anymore...oh!”
He reached for her, and his hard mouth covered hers without warning. All the rage that had built up in him for weeks overflowed. He was beyond sanity now, giving in to the hunger that had haunted him night and day. All he knew, wanted, needed and loved was in his arms.
“I go to bed aching at night and get up aching every morning,” he said, groaning against her mouth, “and you don’t think I want you? My God... Bess!”
He turned her, pressed her up against his wildly beating heart, against the warmth of his mouth and the leather scent of his shirt. His tongue probed inside her mouth while his hand caught her nape and held it steady. He was trembling with the violence of his need, his mouth ravenous as it pressed deeper into hers, as his tongue penetrated rhythmically into the sweet darkness of her mouth.
She moaned and so did he as the fever caught them both, burning hot and wild. It had been so long since he’d touched her, so long since he’d kissed her. She shivered with the need to be even closer to him. She loved him so, would have died for him. Tears welled up behind her closed eyelids with the sheer joy of being close to him. His cold avoidance had hurt her so much. She’d thought he was through with her altogether, but as she felt the tremor in his hard arms, she relaxed into his body. He might not love her, but at least he still wanted her. If only she could have accepted his proposal. Oh, if only!
Her arms reached around his neck, her mouth yielded to the passionate fury of his. She didn’t even protest when she felt his hand under her breast and his thumb probing the hard nipple.
The wind blew around them, the swing creaked as it moved. Cade lifted his head, his breath ragged, his lips faintly swollen and sensuous, poised above hers. His hand moved, and he watched her face as he caressed her, his thumb and forefinger gently kneading the hardness, and she gasped.
“A nipple this hard could make a man conceited,” he breathed roughly, his dark eyes holding her embarrassed ones. “And eyes like yours could make him drunk. Open your mouth. I want all of it.”
He bent over her hungrily, his parted lips biting at hers, teasing and tormenting her. Her teeth closed helplessly on his lower lip, trying to make him kiss her. Eventually he did, and she clung to him, not protesting the way he touched her, lost in the scent and feel of him, the warm strength of him against her. At her hip she could feel the sudden hardness of his body as it reacted to their feverish lovemaking, and she wasn’t afraid of it. She loved him so much that the reactions and responses of his body were as natural and acceptable to her as her own.
His mouth slid down her chin to the soft pulse in her throat and farther, to the warmth of her breast. His mouth opened and pressed down hotly over the nipple. She’d never felt anything remotely like the pleasure that shot, white-hot, through her loins. She cried out and arched under him, her fingers trembling as they ran through his cool, dark hair, holding him against her while the pleasure went on and on and on...
He bit her and she jerked away, shocked. He lifted his head to look at her. His eyes were wild, and there was a reckless look in them that made her a little afraid.
“Do you like it?” he whispered roughly. “Or are you afraid of my teeth? I won’t hurt your nipple.”
She’d never dreamed that men said such things to women. She knew her face was scarlet, but the words were oddly arousing. Her nails dug into his shoulder as he rubbed his lips sensually across hers in a travesty of a kiss.
His fingers worked at the buttons on the front of the dress, and she was in such a sensual haze that it was more relief than fear when he opened them and unfastened the clasp of her front-closing bra.
He pulled the lacy fabric away and looked down at the soft pink skin and hard mauve tips with pure masculine delight. His fingers brushed over their hardness very gently and then stroked their fullness while his eyes sought hers. “It’s all very new to you, isn’t it?” he asked, his expression stern and quiet and very adult. “I won’t hurt you any more than I have to. Unbutton my shirt.”
She was in a fog or she might have realized what he meant and what he was planning. But she was dazed with pleasure and drowning in need. She tore the buttons away with trembling hands and then caught her breath at the pure sensual feast of his chest with its bronzed muscles and the black hair that curled over them.
Her fingers roved through the thick coolness of hair and caressed him hungrily. She felt her body tighten as he suddenly stood up with her in his arms, so that her breasts pressed against his bare skin.
She shuddered and clenched her teeth at the screaming pleasure it gave her, her nails digging into his shoulders as she buried her face against his throat. “Cade,” she moaned.
“Bite me,” he said hoarsely, and when he felt her teeth, he shivered. She was everything he’d ever dreamed she could be. It wasn’t the ideal solution to the problem, but it was the only one his tortured heart could find. If he made her pregnant, she’d marry him even if it was only for the child’s sake. And he’d make her love him. She had once. If he was careful and gentle with her, he could draw that emotion out of her again. And she’d love their child, even if she didn’t love him just yet.
Cradling her against his lean body, shivering with the sweet thought of possessing her, he turned and carried her into the house. Behind them the horse lazily devoured every one of Elise’s pink peonies, unnoticed by the human beings so entranced by each other.