Maya stood there under the water, which turned from warm to cool to freezing above her. But she couldn’t move out of the way. She couldn’t budge a single fucking inch. What the hell had just happened?
Maya shut her eyes and let the chilly water crash over her nude body, causing her to shiver and shake. But it was what she deserved. She had done something very bad.
When Arsen first walked in, she heard him, felt his presence as he entered the room. But she didn’t freak out right away. She hadn’t immediately told him to go away. She waited, staring at the wall of the shower in front of her, her breathing going ragged as she waited for Arsen to do something.
Bad thoughts had entered her brain. Terrible thoughts. Unforgivable thoughts.
Take off your clothes and join me, Maya had thought to herself, sticking her chest out and sucking her stomach in to present the best possible view of her body. Join me, join me, join me. I’ve missed you.
Now, freezing under the relentless streams of water, she tried to push back against those thoughts, arguing with them until they shut up. I don’t want him. I don’t miss him. I don’t want to cheat on Chuck. I’m a good girlfriend. A good fiancée. I will be a good wife. I don’t want to cheat. I don’t want to do that to him. I’m a good person. Right?
But even as she trembled under the cold water, she knew the answer wasn’t as reassuring as she’d hoped it would be. She was dirty. She was slutty. She wanted to have sex with Arsen, right here, right now. Her body still ached for it, like she’d crumble in a million pieces if he didn’t touch her.
Well, too bad, she told herself as she shut the water off and reached for a towel. You don’t get to have what you want. You don’t get to cheat on Chuck. You don’t get to be the shitty person that you really are underneath it all.
She tentatively opened the bathroom door to reveal that the bedroom was empty. Arsen must have gone out into the living room/kitchen area. Maya swallowed around the lump in her throat, willing her heart rate to calm down as she slipped into a dress and a pair of leggings. For good measure, she went ahead and put her sweater on as well, wanting to be as fully clothed as possible. She needed to make a statement. She needed to make it clear that she didn’t want him to see her undressed, not anymore, even if that wasn’t exactly the truth.
Maya stepped out into the living room, keeping her arms crossed to cover up any potential cleavage as she walked towards Arsen, who was sitting at the kitchen table with his head bowed.
“So, what the fuck?” Maya said, choosing to stand off to the side rather than sit at the table across from Arsen.
“I know,” Arsen said. “I’m sorry.”
“Are you? Are you really? How long were you standing there?” Maya asked, even though she already knew the answer to that question. She had to make it seem like she hadn’t noticed him until the very last second.
“Just a few seconds,” Arsen said, but he sighed deeply when Maya glared at him, keenly aware that it was a lie. “Okay, like a minute. I stood there for a minute. I’m sorry. I just…I wasn’t thinking. Okay? That’s all it was. I was staring out in space, trying to remember what the fuck I came into your room to ask you.”
Maya felt a little pang of disappointment at his words. Was he really just “staring off into space?” Maybe he hadn’t been ogling her at all. Maybe it was just Maya who’d been unscrupulously horny. The mere idea sent another wave of guilt crashing over her, making her feel a little light-headed as she stood over Arsen.
Arsen didn’t wait for her to reply before he spoke again. “I’m sorry. It won’t happen again. I promise you that.”
Maya slowly walked over to the seat across from Arsen, sitting down to stare directly into his face. “It shouldn’t have happened,” she whispered, more to herself than to her ex.
“I agree,” Arsen replied before sighing deeply, sounding about as defeated as she’d ever heard him. In the past, she would have been tempted to comfort him, to reach out and wrap her arms around him until all of the negative energy abandoned his body. But she couldn’t do that anymore. Not after everything. Not after Chuck. Maya stared down at her own lap, clasping her hands together tightly, holding onto herself like she was about to slip away. The guilt burned inside of her like an endless flame, turning her stomach lining into ash. How could she forgive herself for this when she wasn’t even really sorry?
# # #
He wasn’t sorry, honestly. Not really. It had been an accident, after all, but that was beside the point. Despite everything, despite the very real, very terrifying possibility that Maya might leave early as a result of this incident, there was another part of him that was elated, filled up with happiness like a balloon. As scared as he was, with his heart pounding in his ears like a drum, he also had to fight off a smile. He saw Maya’s body, for the first time in over a year, and she was still every bit as beautiful, every bit as sexy and irresistible as she’d ever been.
But he knew he had to apologize, if only to get her to stay. He’d do anything to make sure she stayed as long as possible, helping him with the case. But it’s not just the case, he thought to himself. It’s not about Roxie. It’s about you. You want her to stay because…because of your feelings for her. Don’t pretend it’s anything noble.
It was true. With Maya around, he felt like he could breathe for the first time in a year. It was like she was his air supply, the one thing he needed to feel alive. He couldn’t let her go.
Right then and there, staring down at his own lap, Arsen made a decision. He wasn’t going to let Maya go back to the countryside without a fight. He’d wage war for her if he had to do it. He wasn’t going to lose her again. But he had to be careful about it, otherwise he might scare her off.
“I’m sorry,” he said again. “You have my word that I’ll respect your boundaries. I promise.”
“Okay,” Maya said a moment later in a low voice. “Alright. Just…let’s pretend that it never happened.”
Her words hurt. Arsen couldn’t deny that. It stung, knowing that if Maya had a choice, she’d prefer to forget about him. He wondered if she ever thought about them, about the days when they were happier, about the nights where’d they fuck over and over and over again, feeding on each other’s bodies like they were starving. Arsen could never forget those times. He knew he’d remember them as long as he’d lived, no matter what happened. Would Maya?
Maya grabbed a newspaper from the pile of mail that Arsen had brought in only a few minutes earlier and began flipping through the pages. Arsen finally saw his phone at the other end of the table, so he reached forward to grab it and send Chris a quick message to thank him for his help.
Without any warning, Maya leapt up from her seat like she’d been burned. “What? What is it?” Arsen asked, getting out of his chair and walking around the table to put a hand on her shoulder in case she was having another panic attack.
“She’s dead,” Maya said brokenly. “The girl, the missing girl, the one taken before Roxie—she’s dead. The newspaper says so.” She flung the paper down on the table, knocking Arsen’s phone aside in the process. “Sorry,” Maya mumbled, but he could tell that she didn’t mean it.
It wasn’t front page news. That’s why Arsen hadn’t noticed it when he got the mail that morning. It was stuck in the middle of the paper, next to random news pieces about school district changes and garbage collection problems. There she was, the missing girl, the one taken by The Blade, stuck in between stories that didn’t matter. The city didn’t care all that much about what was going on to these girls, not really. It felt like it was just Arsen and Maya, the two of them against the world. Just like the old days.
There was a picture of the girl on the side of the article. Apparently, her parents’ commitment to anonymity faded away after death. She was a beautiful brown girl with a beaming smile and big, dark eyes that shone even in the black-and-white of the newspaper print. “Goddammit,” Arsen muttered.
Maya was panting like she’d just finished a long run. “What are we going to do? What are we going to do, Arsen? Roxie’s next.”
“I know, I know,” Arsen murmured, staring down at the dead girl. “We’ve gotta get the crime scene photos, to start with. Maybe we’ll be able to see if there’s anything different this time. But before we can get our hands on those, we’ve got to go interview the suspects. It’s the only way to narrow the list down.”
Maya pursed her lips a little, clearly unhappy with that proposition. “What if we’re just wasting our time? What if it’s some random person with no known connection to any of the girls and we’re just floundering around while the real killer cuts Roxie up into pieces—” Maya cut herself off, pressing her hand against her forehead as if she could physically make the bad thoughts stop. Arsen knew from experience that it didn’t work that way, unfortunately.
“I don’t know,” Arsen answered honestly. “I don’t know if we’re wasting our time or not. But it’s all we’ve got to go on. I’ll make a call to my connection within the police department. He’s not very helpful, but he’ll fax over copies of the crime scene photos in a few hours if he gets the chance. In the meantime, we’ve got to look at the suspects. Otherwise, we’re just sitting here waiting for Roxie to be killed.”
Maya nodded slowly, still staring at the ground rather than looking across at Arsen. Even still, he could see the sadness in her eyes, the deep resignation. He knew what she was thinking. What if she’s already dead? It was a real possibility, and Arsen couldn’t deny that. Still, he had to say something to give Maya some hope. Without hope, they weren’t ever going to save anyone. “We have to fight for her,” Arsen said softly, stepping closer to Maya and reaching down to grab her hand. For once, Maya didn’t pull away. She let him take her hand into his, rubbing the backs of her knuckles with his thumb. “We can’t give up on her.”
“But what if…” Maya began to say before letting the sentence hang. Her hand began gripping Arsen’s back, so hard that it almost hurt him. But he could handle it. He could take anything Maya could give him.
“Girls are strong,” Arsen said. “Much, much stronger than we think. She’s still got a chance. We can do it. We can help her. I believe in us.”
“Me, too,” she whispered back, so softy that Arsen could barely hear it, despite standing right next to her. “I do, too. That’s the scary thing.”
Before Arsen had a chance to ask her what she meant, Maya squeezed his hand a little bit before going limp and pulling out of his grasp. “Come on,” she said, heading toward the front door of his apartment. “Let’s go.”