Arsen clenched his hands into fists, digging his nails into the skin of his palms. He hoped Maya, who was sitting next to him on the subway, couldn’t see it, but he couldn’t help himself. He had to find some way to release the anger in his body, the fury that had bubbled up inside of him ever since he heard someone say that “Chuck” was at the compound looking for Maya. It didn’t take much for Arsen to figure out who that was.
For one moment—one long, glorious moment, wrapped up in Maya’s arms—he thought he had her again. He thought they were together. How could they not be, after they’d joined their bodies and minds and souls as deeply as they had? But Maya hadn’t contradicted him when he called Chuck her fiancé. She hadn’t made any promises to break up with him, and for some reason, Arsen was too proud to ask her to do so. He figured that if she wasn’t willing to voluntarily leave Chuck, she wasn’t likely to do so just because Arsen asked her.
“Here we are,” Arsen muttered under his breath as they rolled to the stop nearest the Inked Hunters’ compound. He got to his feet before the train came to a complete stop, stepping out of the subway and onto the platform before Maya had even gotten up to her feet. He knew that if he waited for her to step alongside him, he’d be tempted to take her hand, to hold her the way he had for the last several hours back in his apartment, and that was unacceptable for the moment.
After exiting the subway stop, he started walking so fast that Maya had to run to catch up with him, even though she stayed a step behind, somehow sensing that Arsen needed a little space. Even so, there was a part of him that silently begged her to come up and grab him, to stop his quick pace and force him to listen as she reassured him that she wasn’t about to choose the man from the country, the man without a face that haunted Arsen’s mind like a poisonous ghost. She wasn’t going to, though. She hadn’t said anything since he told her that Chuck was waiting for her. She’s not going to stay with me, Arsen told himself, trying to manage his expectations ahead of time, as if she’d already chosen the other man. She’s not going to. Don’t fool yourself. She doesn’t love you. Not like you love her. Not with her full heart.
Arsen walked up the steps to the compound and quickly rapped his fist against the door, hoping someone would open it right away before Maya caught up with him. He didn’t want to be next to her right now. He didn’t want to feel the heat radiating off her body or his hunger for her. He didn’t want to be tempted to touch her, not right now.
The door swung open a minute later, revealing Zane, the MC’s new chef. “Arsen, buddy, I didn’t expect to see you this week. Heard you were busy with that new case,” he said, stepping aside so Arsen and Maya after him could step inside.
“Yep,” Arsen said sharply, wanting to avoid any long conversation at the moment. “Where’s Chuck?”
“I think he’s still in the kitchen. He was kind of uncomfortable hanging out at the bar,” Zane said, falling into step beside Arsen as he headed towards the kitchen, hearing Maya trailing them.
He saw the fiancé as soon he stepped into the kitchen, a mousy, short-looking fellow with brown hair, hunched over and staring at his phone on the kitchen counter.
So this was the guy. This was the man she’d chosen to shape her new life around. Somehow, Arsen was disappointed that he wasn’t more handsome. For some reason, he felt that if he her fiancé was actually attractive—or at least distinctive looking—he would better understand the appeal for Maya, and maybe it would even be a tiny bit easier to let her go, although there was some part of him that knew he could never release her from his heart, no matter what happened.
“Hey,” Chuck said as soon as he saw Maya, getting to his feet and walking over to her, completely ignoring Arsen. “What the hell, Maya?”
“What?” Maya asked. Arsen turned around to look at them, seeing the way Maya’s face was screwed up in worry and confusion.
“You haven’t been answering any of my calls, Maya!” Chuck said. “What the hell was I supposed to think? I was worried sick, thinking you were in danger somewhere.”
Maya blew out her breath and nodded slowly. “You’re right. You’re right. I’m sorry. I should have called you rather than just texting you back late at night. I just…I didn’t feel like I could talk to you, alright? I’ve been dealing with a lot of stuff here.”
Arsen stood still, watching their interaction play out before him. He could see the anxiety—and especially the guilt—coming off of Maya in waves, but there was nothing he could do to stop it. It wasn’t like he could come forward and crush Maya into a hug, not with her fiancé standing right there.
“What kind of stuff could be so important?” Chuck said, his voice harsh and sharp. “Really, what is it? Tell me.”
Arsen didn’t really care for the edge of condescension in Chuck’s voice, and it was clear from the way Maya shrunk in on herself, curling her arms around her waist, that she felt the same way. “I…the case. There are missing girls here. One of them has been found, and I needed to look after her, to see if she had any information we could use.”
“The missing girls…” Chuck trailed off for a minute, rolling his eyes up to the ceiling and sighing deeply. “This is about everything that happened to you as a kid, isn’t it?” His voice sounded almost a little sarcastic, a little too close to mocking for Arsen’s taste.
“I…I guess so,” Maya said, rubbing her elbows with her hands like she was trying to warm herself up. But then she straightened her shoulders and lifted her face to look Chuck directly in the eyes. “Yeah. It’s about that. So what?”
“So it’s not good for you, Maya,” Chuck said, stepping forward to close the space between them but not touching her. “You shouldn’t be doing this. I don’t know what the fuck you were thinking. It’s so fucking stupid to be getting involved in something like this after everything you’ve been through.”
“Hey,” Arsen said, stepping closer to Chuck to get his attention. “Hey, knock it off. Maya’s been indispensable. We need her on the case.”
“We?” Chuck rebutted, putting excess emphasis on the word. “We? Who the fuck is we? Who are you?”
“I’m Arsen. Arsen Sterling. Maybe you’ve heard of me,” Arsen said, fighting to keep a scowl off his face.
But a slow, sadistic smile spread across Chuck’s face, his eyes narrowing to slits as he stared at Arsen. “Oh. You’re Arsen, huh?”
“I told you about him,” Maya said softly. “Arsen, Chuck. Chuck, Arsen.”
“Pleased to meet you,” Arsen lied. He figured he should have offered his hand forward for an introductory shake, but he couldn’t force himself to do it. He felt the sick, heavy feeling of hatred settle in his stomach, freezing his insides into ice.
“This is the guy, huh? The guy who fucked you up?” Chuck asked, his eyes flicking between Arsen and Maya and then back to Arsen.
Arsen didn’t say anything, even though his hands once again curled into fists. He held them behind his back so the other two people in the room couldn’t see how angry he was. He didn’t want to lose his composure. He didn’t want to give this guy the satisfaction of pissing him off.
“He didn’t do anything,” Maya argued, her voice coming out soft and low, like she was afraid to speak too loudly. “He’s…he’s just been helping me out, helping me work through my shit. He’s a good guy, Chuck.”
Arsen’s chest ached a little at that. It hurt, hearing her defend him against this asshole yet sounding so hesitant at the same time. He didn’t know what to think, whether he should feel relieved or offended or angry or grateful. He guessed he felt all of those things in combination.
Chuck scoffed loudly, turning to stare at Arsen. “I know about you, you know, your obsession with killers, with kidnappers. It’s not good for her. You kept her from moving on, you know.”
That did it. He couldn’t hold himself back, not after that. “What the fuck would you know about it?” Arsen challenged, stepping forward until he was standing less than a foot away from Chuck. He saw the other man shrink back a little, clearly a little intimidated by Arsen despite his anger. Arsen couldn’t help but feel pleased by that, knowing that he scared the little man. “Have you ever had a little sister raped and killed? Have you ever lost someone like that? What the fuck do you know?”
Chuck’s jaw visibly clenched, his throat working as he swallowed, preparing a retort to Arsen’s indignation. “You’re unhealthy. For whatever reason, whatever excuse you have, it’s the truth. You’re obsessed with this shit, and it’s infecting Maya. Back home, with me, she’s fine. She’s normal. She’s not broken. She’s fine.”
“And why do you think that?” Arsen asked. “Because back home she does whatever you say? Because she doesn’t cause you any problems? You only accept her when she’s not causing you any trouble, when she’s being ‘good?’ You know who that reminds me of?” The killer, Arsen thought. Lizzie’s killer. Maya’s torturer. Telling them what to do, controlling them.
“Stop!” Maya yelled, stepping in between them and putting a hand on Arsen’s chest, gently pushing him away. “Stop it. Don’t say that. That’s not right, and you know it.”
Arsen knew she was right. It wasn’t fair to compare a vaguely controlling boyfriend to her abuser and kidnapper, but he was just so mad at the idea of anyone bossing Maya around. She, more than anyone, deserved to be free. He melted beneath Maya’s touch, though, nodding at her. “I’m sorry,” he said, ignoring the twinge of pain that bloomed up in his chest as a result of his words.
Maya shook her head at him and turned to Chuck. “Come on. Come on, let’s go. You shouldn’t be here.”
“Like fuck I shouldn’t,” Chuck said, but he began walking backwards when Maya pressed her hand against his chest, disappearing from the kitchen and out into the main barroom at the front of the compound.
Maya turned and nodded at Arsen for a second before following her fiancé out into the other room. Once she was out of visible range, Arsen heard her yell, “What the fuck? What the fuck were you thinking coming here?” He could tell from her voice that she was absolutely infuriated, but somehow, that didn’t make him feel any better. He didn’t want her upset, even if the target in question was that fuck-wad she called a potential spouse.
Several moments later, after Maya moved out of hearing distance, Arsen finally noticed that Zane was still standing in a corner of the kitchen, his mouth twisted up in a grimace. Arsen hadn’t noticed his presence before, but he must have been standing there in the room the whole time, watching the bitter scene unfold.
“Shit, man. That fucking sucks,” Zane said, bending over to get a bottle of whiskey out of one of the lower cabinets before walking over to pour Arsen a drink.
“Yeah, I guess that’s fair to say,” Arsen said, not looking the other man in the eye as he brought the shot glass up to his lips, downing it in one toss to feel the deep burn of the alcohol rest at the bottom of his stomach. He hadn’t eaten all day, so he knew he was going to feel the effects of the booze sooner rather than later. Good, he thought. I need to be fucked-up. He offered his glass forward so Zane could pour him another round.
“Women, huh?” Zane remarked, filling up another glass with the whiskey so he could perform a toast of commiseration with Arsen.
Arsen nodded, even though he wasn’t really listening or comprehending Zane’s words. He downed his next shot, suppressing a gag at the thick taste that filled his mouth. “I just can’t fucking win,” he said, talking more to himself than to his friend.
“I know that feeling, buddy,” Zane said. “Here, why don’t you let me fix you up some of my choice meat? I got some recent cuts in, just for the two of us. It’ll take your mind off this shit, I promise you.”
“Sure, whatever,” Arsen mumbled, reaching forward to pour himself another shot, trying to get inebriated as quickly as possible.
Zane opened up the refrigerator, pulling out huge chunks of thick red meat and slapping them down into a skillet, frying up the meat on such a high heat setting that smoke wafted up into the air, irritating Arsen’s sensitive nose. “Jesus, what kind of meat is that?” he asked, causing Zane to smile and shake his head.
“Secret ingredient,” Zane said. “It’s just steak, but I season it with a special kind of blood. Makes it taste better.”
“Don’t tell me it’s like dog blood or something like that,” Arsen said. “Don’t ruin your cooking for me, man.”
“Don’t worry, I won’t,” Zane said with a laugh as he flipped the meat around in the skillet, making sure all sides of it were properly browned.
“I just don’t understand,” Arsen said softly, picturing the way Maya’s face fell, practically falling to pieces under Chuck’s criticism. “I mean….that’s not right, actually. I think I do understand. That might be the worst part.”
“What do you mean?” Zane asked over his shoulder, focusing on flipping the meat over and tossing seasoning into the mix for flavor.
“It just makes too much sense,” Arsen said, reaching forward to pour himself another shot, even though he was pretty sure he was starting to get a little buzzed off the alcohol already in his system.
“It does?” Zane prompted him after another full minute of silence.
“Yeah,” Arsen said, feeling his head grow fuzzy and warm as the booze took greater effect within his body. “She doesn’t want to be who she is. I should have known better. I always thought, well, one day, she’ll be able to accept herself, you know? Really accept herself with everything that happened and know that it’s okay to be her. Because I loved her, just the way she was. I didn’t want to her change. I didn’t want her to deny her past. But this guy…he hates her past as much as she does. He doesn’t want her to be a survivor. He doesn’t want her to continue to be affected by all that shit. He just wants her to move on and leave it all behind, as if that’s fucking possible.” Arsen paused to scoff at himself, feeling about as low as he had in over fifteen years, since Lizzie left him. “No, I guess I wouldn’t know, right? Just because I haven’t been able to fucking heal and get over shit like a man, it doesn’t mean that she can’t. Maybe he’s right. Maybe I’m just…selfish. Maybe that’s it. I’m just selfish. I’m just fucked-up, and I want her to stay fucked-up so she can be with me, so I don’t have to be alone. How shitty is that?”
Zane switched off the stove and flipped the steak slices onto a plate, spraying them with salt and pepper before getting salad ingredients out of the refrigerator to make as a side item for their meal. “I don’t know, man. It sounds like she’s just stupid. Not seeing what’s in front of her. Most women are like that.”
Arsen didn’t know about that, but he didn’t have enough energy to argue about it at the moment. “I love her, you know,” Arsen murmured, getting himself yet another shot, even though he was feeling a bit unsteady, his otherwise empty stomach roiling around its new liquid contents.
“Mmm,” Zane mumbled, putting two plates down on the countertop and pulling up another chair to sit down next to Arsen. “Dig in. You need to eat. Get your strength, at least, if you’re going to fight for her.”
Arsen laughed humorlessly, leaning his head in his hands while he dug his fork into the meat on his plate, stabbing into it as if it were responsible for his pain. “I can’t fight for her,” he murmured, sipping at his drink. “It’s got to be her decision. That’s the whole point. She’s got to choose her own life. If she can’t have that…” If she couldn’t have that, she wouldn’t be free from the worst thing that ever happened to her, not really. And no matter what, Arsen would fight for that, for Maya’s ability to feel like she was in control of her own life. He couldn’t take that from her, even if it killed him not to.
“She sounds like a fucking bitch, if I’m being honest with you,” Zane said between swallows of steak. “I mean, I don’t know her. I wouldn’t really know. But I think I’ve known quite a few women like her.”
“You haven’t,” Arsen said sharply, feeling anger surge up inside of him. “You’ve never known anyone like her.”
“Fair enough,” Zane said, putting his hands up in the air as if he was declaring defeat. “I don’t know her. You’re right. But I just don’t like seeing you upset, man. I haven’t seen you like this the whole time I’ve known you.”
Arsen shifted uncomfortably in his seat. The implication behind Zane’s words was clear—this was Maya’s fault, yet Arsen was paying the price. “Whatever,” he muttered, finally bringing a piece of the steak to his mouth, practically moaning out loud at the sweet yet salty taste of the meat. “Jesus, what’s in this shit? Crack?”
“Something like that,” Zane said with a laugh, shaking his head. “No, just my secret stuff. I’ve been out of work for a while, you know. Got to get back into making food for real people.”
“Real people? As opposed to what? MC people?” Arsen said with a knowing smile. He knew what Zane meant, though. It was weird sometimes, the way the MC lived apart from the rest of the world.
Zane just shrugged. “Tell me more about your relationship drama. I need something to entertain me.”
“Not sure there’s much else to say,” Arsen said as he began to eat more quickly, shoving meat in his mouth to fill his unsteady stomach. “She left me. She picked somebody else. She’s moved on. That’s good for her, right? I should just be happy, instead of whining about it like a little bitch.”
“Nah, come on. You love her, right? You should fight for her, man! Don’t give up that easily. She’s got to know what a catch you are.”
Arsen shook his head. “It’s not about that. I got to respect her. That’s the thing that I think was holding us back all these years. She didn’t feel like I listened to her when she used to talk about how she wanted to leave all this investigation shit behind. He lets her be someone she can stand to live with. That’s got to be worth more than love,” Arsen said sadly, finishing his last drink before hurriedly shoving the rest of his food into his mouth.
Zane was silent for a minute, just staring at him. “I know what you mean, but still, Arsen. You got to at least try, otherwise, you might regret it forever.”
Arsen shook his head. “I can’t, man. I can’t risk overwhelming her. She might never talk to me again.”
“Would she really act that way?” Zane asked. “If so, she’s a bigger bitch than I even thought.”
“Alright, stop it. Stop that shit. I can’t have you talking about her that way, Zane,” Arsen said as he cleaned off his plate, taking it over to the sink to dump it in with the rest of the MC’s dirty dishes.
Zane put his hands up in the air, again in surrender. “Alright, alright, I get it. Just…give it a shot, okay? You can’t ruin something if there’s already no chance, and if there is a shot, you’re not going to fuck it up by just trying. That’s all I’m saying. And anyway, most women are…well, you know my opinion on them. When you find a good one, you’ve got to treasure her. You’ve got to fight for her. Don’t just let her out of your grasp.” Zane got up and walked over to Arsen. “Or, hell, if you’re really that hung up over her and feeling that hopeless, let’s take your mind off it, huh? Let’s go out! Get some drinks, maybe meet some women and see what happens?”
Arsen forced a smile but shook his head. “I can’t. I’m still on the case. The missing girls, remember? I got to keep working on it as long as there’s a girl missing. She’s still in danger.”
“Ah, come on, man, you can take one night off,” Zane argued.
“No, I really can’t,” Arsen said, even though he already felt so woozy from the booze that he knew it was likely he was just going to go home and crash. “I got to go. See you later, bud.”
He staggered to his feet and walked out into the main room, ignoring the several people who called out to him, trying to get him to join their various celebrations, as he headed out back into the cold night. As Arsen walked back to the subway stop, he couldn’t help but feel a weird paranoid sensation climbing up his back, his hairs standing on edge like someone was watching him or following him. Every time he turned around, he couldn’t spot anything, but he still couldn’t shake the anxious feeling that something wasn’t right.
When he collapsed into bed a half hour later, he could still smell the distinct scent of Maya’s body. It smelled like home. It smelled like loss. It smelled like love. It smelled like everything he’d never get to touch ever again.