“We need to start searching every room in this goddamn building,” Maya said, immediately launching herself off the wall and beginning to pace back and forth in the hallway outside of Chris’s room.
Arsen shook his head firmly, but Maya could see that the color had drained from his face, leaving him pale and washed-out. “We can’t do that. That would alert the killer that we’re on to him and give him a chance to get away.”
“Lockdown, then,” Maya said. “Nobody comes in or out, starting now, until we find out who did this.”
This time Chris interrupted her. “There’s too many entrances and exits to the building. I don’t even know where all the doors are, and I’ve been here for a while. The caller would have plenty of time to get away unless you successfully guess who he is before you search anybody else’s rooms.”
“We have to do something!” Maya practically shrieked before sighing heavily, clearly fighting hard to keep her composure. “Look, chances are the killer is in this building right now, and we can’t just let go of that opportunity.”
“You’re right,” Arsen said, his forehead wrinkling up as he frowned. “But you can’t be involved, Maya.”
“What? What are you talking about? I’m going to help you look,” she protested, feeling a wave of panic begin to surge inside of her. He can’t cut me out of this, she thought. He just can’t. I’m in too deep now.
“Chris and I can go room to room and look around without alerting anybody that we’re suspicious. But you stick out like a sore thumb. Maybe last year at this time, you could have just hung around and nobody would have thought anything different, but they know you’re here on a case. It’s too risky. You can’t help,” Arsen said.
“Like fuck am I backing off now!” Maya shouted, shaking her head at Arsen. “And you can’t stop me.”
Arsen’s breathing became audible, his breaths puffing out of him like thick smoke before he finally spoke again. “I can’t let you. I’m sorry.” The sadness in his eyes almost pierced Maya’s heart, but she was too angry at the moment to let him in.
Maya briefly considered breaking into a run, hiding in the various rooms of the compound while searching their contents for any suspicious evidence. But she knew it was no use. Arsen was stronger than her and could easily restrain her if he had to, and he also had Chris on his side to help him. There was no way she could successfully investigate any of the rooms without the two of them following her around, preventing her from searching as thoroughly as she’d like. “Goddammit,” she huffed under her breath, staring down at her own shoes so Arsen wouldn’t see that hot tears had just filled her eyes.
“I’m sorry,” Arsen whispered from across the hall.
“Oh, save it,” Maya said. “I don’t want to hear it from you anymore. You want me in the city, but you don’t want me to be in control, not really. You’re scared of what I’ll do because I’m just a crazy victim and you’re calm and detached, and therefore, you think you’re better at this than me somehow. Well, it doesn’t fucking work that way.”
“I just don’t want you to get hurt!” Arsen yelled, his real motive finally becoming clear. “Please! Why is that so bad? I just want to protect you. I just want to keep you safe.”
“You’re about fifteen years too late for that!” Maya yelled back. “I will never be safe. I will never be protected. I will never be okay, ever again! The best I can do is just help people like me, but you don’t want to let me. You don’t trust me. You don’t think I’m as strong as you are, not really.”
Arsen shook his head but didn’t say anything.
“You and Chuck are the same, you know,” Maya murmured, finally meeting Arsen’s dark eyes, seeing the heavy guilt that lay within. “You’re both fucking cowards.”
“Jesus,” said Chris, who apparently had been watching and listening for the duration of this altercation.
“No, she’s right. I am,” Arsen said to Chris before refocusing his attention on Maya. “But I care about you. Your safety is all that matters to me now. I was selfish before, trying to get you involved in this shit. Chuck was right. It’s not healthy for you. You deserve better than this.”
“I deserve to make my own choices, Arsen,” Maya said, her voice coming out shaky and unsteady as she fought to keep control over the tears that desperately wanted to leak out of her eyes.
“You deserve to live,” Arsen whispered, stepping forward so that he could close the space between his body and Maya’s, reaching down to grab Maya’s hands for one second before she pulled out of his grasp.
“You said you couldn’t do this without me,” Maya whispered, staring down at the ground again. “You said it just a few hours ago.”
“I was drunk. I was stupid. You shouldn’t listen to me,” Arsen said, reaching forward again to put his hands on Maya’s shoulders, peeling her off the wall and pressing her into his arms. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
“Get off me,” Maya ordered, shoving Arsen away from her. “Come on. Let’s go, I guess.” She set off marching down the hall, furiously wiping at her damp eyes with the sleeve of her shirt.
Arsen walked closely behind her but didn’t try to touch her again. Maya wasn’t sure how she felt about that. On one hand, she knew that if he touched her again, she would only shove him away, but at the same time, she had never felt this weak before in her entire life, with one notable exception. She wished she could be comforted. She wished she could be held and protected and safeguarded, but allowing that to happen would be like admitting that she wasn’t strong, that she wasn’t independent, and that he was right about her. All the men in her life were right about her. Nobody believed in her, not really. Nobody thought she could handle facing her past….not even Maya herself.
She was quiet for the subway ride back to Chuck’s hotel, avoiding direct eye contact with Arsen. She knew that if she saw his sad, guilty face one more time, she’d feel sympathy for the bastard, and her body was already overflowing with pity for herself, pity for the girls, and pity for Lizzie. She didn’t have any room leftover to care about Arsen’s feelings right now. Even still, she could see him through her peripheral vision, watching him as he seemed to melt into the seat next to her, like all of his muscles were surrendering.
“You didn’t have to come with me, you know,” Maya said through clenched teeth. “I could take the subway by myself.”
“I just want to make sure you get back safe,” Arsen said, but at this point, he sounded defeated, drained of his energy.
“I’m not a child,” Maya replied, but it was hard to keep the anger in her voice when Arsen sounded so deflated.
“I know,” Arsen murmured in response. “I know.”
“And anyway, how do you know that the killer won’t just follow us here? I could be in danger at the hotel, too,” Maya argued, even though she didn’t really believe the words she was saying. She knew she was being vindictive, arguing with Arsen just for the sake of arguing with him, punishing him for making a decision about her fate.
“Chuck will protect you,” Arsen said.
“How do you know that?” Maya asked, finally turning in her seat to face Arsen. “Really, how do you know? You only met him for like five minutes when he was yelling at you. He could be anyone. You don’t know that he’ll keep me safe.”
“He loves you,” Arsen said softly, looking up at Maya through his long dark eyelashes. “Anyone who loves you will fight to protect you. I know that much.”
Arsen’s words hung heavy in the air, pressing down on Maya like a thick raincloud just waiting to release over her head. She had to swallow a few times to clear her throat, which suddenly clogged up with repulsive emotion that she couldn’t just wish away. She knew the implication behind Arsen’s words because he’d said as much when they were having sex. I love you.
It didn’t matter, though. It didn’t matter if he loved her, if he cherished her, or if he wanted her safe. He didn’t respect her. He didn’t trust her. Neither of them did. Maybe that was the answer to all of Maya’s problems, choosing neither of them.
The subway rolled to a stop, and they both jumped out of their seats and exited, walking briskly against the chilly weather towards Chuck’s upscale hotel.
“So I guess this is it,” Arsen said as they approached the entrance.
“Oh, what, you’re not going to walk me up to Chuck’s room?” she said a little sarcastically, but at the same time, she felt a sudden twinge of panic at the base of her stomach at the idea of Arsen leaving. It wasn’t like she felt less safe without him, necessarily, but she hadn’t prepared herself for the idea that this might be the very last time she ever saw him. The reality of it crashed down on her all at once, sending shaking vibrations throughout her system as she stared hard at Arsen, trying to memorize his face. It didn’t matter if she was furious with him. She needed to remember this moment. She needed to remember him, exactly as he was.
Arsen shook his head. “I’ve got to go. You were right before. We have to search the compound, top to bottom, until we find something that lets us know who the killer is. It’s got to be a Hunter or someone closely affiliated with the Inked Hunters. We know that much, at least.” He paused and looked away from her, his jaw clenching like he was restraining himself from saying something else. “I’ll…let you know what happens. I’ll just email you or whatever.”
“Okay,” Maya said, too exhausted at this point to argue with him any further. “Just let me know first, before you tell anybody else.”
“Of course,” Arsen said, looking back at her again, his dark eyes bearing deep into hers, shining with an emotion that Maya recognized but couldn’t name. “Please…stay safe.”
“I will,” Maya said, nodding a little. “Thank you for…being the person that you are. In case I don’t see you again. I…well, you know the rest.” I loved you, she thought, her heart hanging down low in her chest. I loved you the way the stars love the darkness around them, I loved you the way the ocean loves its floor, the way the grass loves the wind. I loved you, desperately, fiercely. Forever.
“Well. Get inside. Get warm,” Arsen said, turning his back on her and walking quickly away.
“Goodbye!” Maya called after him, but he didn’t answer or slow down. Maya felt like blood was leaking inside of her, like her organs were coming to pieces but still trapped inside the borders of her body.
Maya turned and walked into the hotel, striding through the lobby and walking up the stairs to Chuck’s room. The door was unlocked when she got there, and he was waiting for her, sitting on the bed with his arms crossed over his chest. Tension and anticipation and anger were coming off of him in waves that hit Maya as soon as she entered the room. Clearly he wasn’t happy with her. Well, Maya had bigger problems to deal with at the moment anyway.
“Where have you been?” Chuck asked softly. That wasn’t a good sign. When he was restrained and held-back, it just meant a storm was brewing. He was about to unleash on her. Maya sighed deeply, preparing herself for the onslaught of judgment that was sure to come from Chuck’s lips mere moments later.
“You know where I’ve been,” she said with a shrug, acting as unperturbed as possible. She didn’t want to get on the defensive, as that would imply that she did something wrong, and at least this time, she hadn’t. She didn’t leave Chuck at the hotel to sleep with Arsen. It was all about the girls, and she refused to feel guilty about that.
“So you went out with your ex again, huh?” Chuck challenged, but it didn’t really sound like a question, so Maya didn’t dignify it with an answer. “So what’s the excuse this time? More murder stuff? More danger that you don’t need to get involved in?”
Maya shook her head and turned to stare at the television against the wall, not really appreciating the condescending tone that Chuck was using with her. Usually he was calm, even when he was being judgmental and cruel. But now he seemed on-edge, as though all of his hackles were raised, poised for an attack. Maya wished she could say that she had enough sense to be scared like she usually did when men got angry with her, but for now, all of her emotions were wiped free, replaced with empty apathy. “I don’t know why you don’t respect my job, but whatever,” she mumbled.
“Because it’s not your job, Maya! Your job is to help battered women back home, with me, not this private investigator shit. It’s not who you are.”
“And how would you know?” Maya snapped, regretting her sharp tone the second after the rhetorical question left her mouth. She sighed again and walked over to sit down next to Chuck on the bed. “I’m sorry, but you have to understand that this has to come first right now.”
“Why?” Chuck asked, his face looking genuinely confused.
“Because,” Maya began, tying her hair back from her face so she could concentrate on what she was about to say. “Because it’s a part of my life. It’s a big part of who I am, a really big part that I can’t just ignore anymore. I know that now.”
“Then why has it never showed up before?” Chuck asked, and Maya knew he was referring to the past several months of their relationship.
Maya began to pick at her fingernails, digging her nails into her cuticles to punish herself for what she was about to say, even though she knew it was only the truth. “Because I hid it from you. I didn’t…want you to think of me as weak. Or as damaged or broken or whatever. I thought that if I just told you what happened but made it seem like it didn’t affect me anymore, maybe then I could have a normal life. But it’s just not who I am. I will never have a normal life, not really, not one without some reminders of what happened to me.”
“I don’t understand that,” Chuck said. “You were happy with me. You were healthy. Why go back here and get sucked back into all these things that are only going to remind you of the worst thing that ever happened to you?”
“Because the girls need me, Chuck,” Maya said. “And…little me needs me, too. The young parts of me, the parts that still live inside of me, they need to be acknowledged. I can’t just shut them up anymore and pretend that they don’t exist, that what happened to them has to be erased for the rest of me to survive. It’s just not fair to me. I can’t pretend to be the person that you fell in love with anymore.”
Chuck leaned back a little on the bed, bracing his fists on the mattress like he was about to launch himself out of the room. “So where does that leave us?”
Maya couldn’t do anything but answer the question honestly. “I don’t know.”
“Well, that’s just fucking fantastic,” Chuck spat, getting up from the bed and pacing around for a minute before turning to face Maya, looking down at her from his standing height. “Is that really all you’re going to say to me?”
Maya nodded slowly. “For now.”
“ ‘For now?’ What does that mean, exactly? Do you have something more important to do?” Chuck’s tone was sarcastic, but Maya nodded again, causing his mouth to fall open in shock. “What the hell, Maya?”
“I have to borrow your car. There’s something I need to do tonight, and it can’t be put off any longer. And yes, before you ask, it’s related to the case. I need to get somewhere as fast as possible. If you love me at all, you’ll let me use your car, just this once, just for tonight,” Maya said.
Chuck sputtered for a minute, shaking his head before he responded. “Wow, you’re just a fucking piece of work. You know that? You know I don’t want you messing with this shit and then you give me an ultimatum? Who do you think you are?”
“Your fiancée, who needs your help,” Maya said, feeling a little bit stung by the harshness of Chuck’s words. “I just need it for one night. One more night on the case. It’ll make or break the whole thing, but the girls are depending on me.”
“Who are ‘the girls?’ ” Chuck shouted. “Huh? Who are they? The dead girls? They don’t fucking need you, Maya. They’re dead! You’re alive! Start acting like it again or…”
“Or what?” Maya prompted, getting to her feet to stretch up to her full height, staring hard into Chuck’s wide eyes. “Or what? Come on, say it. You don’t want me to give ultimatums but you’re about to give me one right now. Just come out and say it. I already know what it is.”
Chuck blew out his breath and narrowed his eyes at her until he was staring at her through tiny slits. “You’re right. You already know what I’m going to say.” He stepped forward, taking Maya’s hand into his, rubbing the back of her palm with his cold fingers. “I’ll let you use my car, Maya, just for tonight. But if you aren’t back in a few hours…we’re done. Finished. I can’t live this way, always wondering whether I’ve got you or not. It’s not fair to me.”
“You’re right,” Maya said, feeling the sick heat of shame burn its way up the back of her neck as she thought about Arsen. “It isn’t fair to you at all. It isn’t fair to either of us.”
“What are you saying?” Chuck asked, his forehead wrinkled with confusion and fear.
“I’m not going to be coming back here,” Maya said. “I’ll drop your car back off in the lot out back, but I can’t come back. You don’t know me. You don’t know me at all, and the parts that you do know, you don’t like. It’s not fair to either of us to keep up the charade just for convenience’s sake. We’re finished. Goodbye.”
She began to walk around him, grabbing his car keys off the top of the dresser and heading for the door before he stopped her with a hand on her elbow. “Hey, Maya, wait. Stop. Just think about this. You really want to give me up, just like that? You really want to give up our life together?”
There was a part of her that wanted to say no, if she was being honest with herself. That little part was small and scared and shrunken-in on itself, hiding from the world, and Maya understood it well, but she couldn’t afford to keep listening to it anymore. “That’s just it, Chuck. It’s not our life. It’s your life. It’s not mine.”
“So, what? This is about your ex, Arsen, or whatever his name is? You’re giving me up for him?”
Maya shook her head and smiled sadly, but she felt a little spark of pride flash to life in her chest. “No, Chuck. I’m giving you up for me.” She slipped the diamond ring off her finger and handed it to Chuck, who reluctantly accepted it into his palm. “I’ll bring the car back before tomorrow, I promise. Have a good life, okay? You deserve it.”
And with that, she walked out back into the cold night, back into the city that had raised her, that had shaped her, and that had given her life.
She quickly ran to Chuck’s car in the back lot of the hotel, sticking the key into the ignition and mentally calculating the directions to her destination. She knew where she had to go. There was a feeling in her gut that she should have listened to from the beginning. If she was right, she could have stopped the killer a long time ago. It was the only thing she had to go on, but it was enough, for now.
“Candy apples, huh?” she said out loud as she pulled out of the lot and onto the busy city street in front of the hotel, thinking about what Roxie had told her about the man who’d kidnapped her. “I know who you are, fucker. I’m coming for you.”