I had two choices. I could face my fear and risk losing everything, including my life, or I could run. Maybe if I’d had more time to think about the consequences, I would’ve chosen differently, but instead, I did the only thing I thought I could. With only the clothes on my back and a few bucks in my wallet, I ran. Consumed with panic, my legs didn’t feel like my own as I rushed out to my car and got inside, locking the doors behind me. It was as if I was watching a horror movie play out in slow motion, and as much as I wanted to make it all stop, I couldn’t. With my hand trembling, I placed the keys in the ignition and started the car. In my entire life, I couldn’t remember ever being so scared, and the thought that it was just the beginning only made it worse—if that was even possible. As it was, I couldn’t breathe, like someone had their fingers wrapped around my throat, choking me with all their might, and I feared I might faint. Trying to calm my racing heart, I inhaled a slow, strained breath but nothing helped. I just wanted to pull the car over, curl up into a ball, and wait for someone to come save me. But no one would come. I was alone—completely and utterly alone.

I hadn’t been driving long when it started to snow again. Since the roads were already covered in ice, it was difficult to keep my car from sliding off the road, but I wasn’t taking my foot off the gas for a little snow. I’d just I made it into town when I saw a car coming in my direction. I suddenly had an urge to call out to them, to plead for them to help me, but I knew that wasn’t an option. I wasn’t the person everyone thought I was. So many lies had been told, mountains and mountains of lies, and no one would believe that I wasn’t the happy, little homemaker I’d always pretended to be. As I pressed my foot against the accelerator, I glanced up at my rearview mirror, praying that no one was following me. To my relief, there was only darkness behind me.

After an hour of being on the road, I started to settle into the drive, and I found myself thinking back on a time when things were different—a time when I had a family I could turn to, a mother and father who loved me, a brother who always had my back, and friends I could actually trust.

My mother was standing at the kitchen stove with her curly, dark hair and a bright smile on her face, and I could almost hear the comforting sound of her voice as she turned to me and asked, “How was your day, sweetheart?”

I was fifteen years old, and I’d just come home from school. We didn’t have a big, fancy house, but it was a place we were proud of. It was home. With mom waiting for my response, I sat down at the table with a soda and a handful of crackers. I gave her a heavy sigh, then said, “It was going pretty good until Maddie and I got into a big argument at lunch.”

She turned to face me and leaned against the stove as she crossed her arms. “Argument? About what?”

“Honestly, I don’t even know. She was asking me what she should wear on her date with Jason on Friday night, and then she started telling me I should go out with his best friend, Brady. I don’t like Brady … like not at all, and when I told her that, she got mad about it.”

From the time Maddie and I had met in pre-school, we were inseparable. When I wasn’t at her house, she was at mine. Mom always said that she was like her second daughter, so she simply offered, “Maybe you should try talking to her about it.”

“I tried, but she won’t listen.” I took a sip of my drink, then continued, “She is so wrapped up in Jason that she thinks everything about him is so wonderful, including all his knucklehead friends.”

“It’s her first boyfriend, Ellie. Just be patient with her and try not to be too judgmental of him or his friends.” She gave me one of her looks and added, “I’m sure you can find something good about him.”

“Jason is a douchebag, Mom.”

“Ellie! Young ladies shouldn’t talk like that.”

Just as she’d gotten the words out of her mouth, my father walked in. He was covered from head to toe with dirt, and from the expression on his face, I could tell he’d had a rough day. “What’s going on in here?”

Mom shook her head as she said, “Your daughter is sounding more and more like her brother every day.”

“That’s not necessarily a bad thing.” Dad teased. “Joseph has a good head on his shoulders, just like his father.”

“His father doesn’t say the word douchebag, does he?”

“That depends.”

“Thomas!” Mom scolded.

Dad turned to me and said, “Ellie, you know better than to talk like that.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

He kicked off his muddy boots and lowered his overalls, leaving his dirty clothes in a pile by the back door like he always did, and then, he sauntered over to Mom at the stove. He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her on the cheek. “What’s for dinner?”

It seemed like my parents were always touching one another. They were high school sweethearts, and it gave me hope to know that they were still in love after being together for so many years. Mom looked over to him with affection in her eyes as she replied, “Stew and cornbread.”

“Sounds good. You know how I love your stew. I’ll go take a shower.” On his way out, he shouted, “I hope you added lots of potatoes this time.”

“I added plenty. I promise.”

By the time my father had showered and changed, my older brother, Joseph, had made it home from football practice. We all gathered around the table for dinner and shared our day with each other as we ate. Joseph and I cleared off the table, and while I was at the sink washing dishes, he came over to me and asked, “What happened with you and Maddie today?”

“You heard about that?”

“Jason was bitching about it at practice. Said Maddie was all torn up about it.”

“Really?” I asked.

“Yeah. So, what were you arguing about?”

I sighed. “She wants me to go out with Brady.”

“Brady? That guy’s a real asshole,” he grumbled as he put several dirty glasses in my dishwater. “Why would she want you to go out with him?”

Brady was a senior, and while I didn’t know him very well, I knew enough to know he wasn’t the guy for me. He was a linebacker on the football team, big and burly, and while he was good-looking, he was arrogant as hell. Since he played football, Joseph knew exactly how he was, so I had no doubt that he’d understand my reservations about going out with him. “He’s friends with Jason. She wanted us to double date or something. I told her that I didn’t want to go out with him, and she got all pissed about it.”

“That doesn’t make any sense.”

“I know. I don’t know why she got all worked up about it. It’s not like her.”

“Well, there’s probably something else going on.” Like most brothers and sisters, we spent a lot of time arguing, but Joseph was a good brother. I loved him dearly and looked up to him. Whenever he gave me advice, I did my best to listen, but this time I wasn’t so sure he was right when he suggested, “You should talk to her. Give her a call, and sort it out.”

“But, she’s the—”

“Call her, El,” he interrupted. “She’s your best friend. Don’t let this argument fester into something more than it already is.”

I took my brother’s advice, and as soon as we were done cleaning the kitchen, I went up to my room and called her. It took some time, but I finally got her to tell me what was really bothering her. Apparently, Jason was pushing her to take that next step, but she wasn’t ready to sleep with him. She’d hoped that if I was there with Brady, she’d be able to put him off a little longer. After hearing why she was so upset, I agreed to go on the date, and our argument was over. Like always, my brother was right. My best friend needed me, and without his push, I would’ve never known it.

As I continued to drive down the highway, my mind wandered to a memory that wasn’t exactly pleasant. After our double date with Maddie and Jason, Brady and I started dating, and to my surprise, I actually fell for him. I liked him—a lot. He was funny, and he made me laugh. I enjoyed being with him, but there was just one problem. We argued, about everything. At first, it was over little things, and we’d just end up laughing it off. But after Brady graduated and went off to school, our little tiffs turned into something more. He became controlling and didn’t want me going anywhere without him. At the time, it didn’t bother me. I would’ve rather been with him than anyone else anyway, but when my family figured out what was going on, they wanted me to steer clear of him, warning me that things would only get worse.

Maybe it was just my age or maybe my hormones were corrupting my brain cells, because in my mind, I knew him better than they did. My relationship with Brady caused a big rift between us all, and it only got worse when I got pregnant. I can still remember the argument we had on the front porch of my home. My father’s face was red with anger as he growled, “There’s no way in hell you’re quitting college, Ellie. That’s not an option.”

“Brady wants me to move in with him. He starts the academy next week, and by summer, he’ll be a police officer. It’s going to be okay.”

“No. It’s not.” My mother shook her head. “You’re so naïve. Do you honestly think this boy is going to be able to take care of you and your baby on what a police officer makes? You need to finish school. It’s the only chance you have.”

“I can’t go to school and take care of a baby. It’s too much.”

“You should’ve thought about that before you spread your legs for that asshole,” Dad barked.

“I love him!”

“You’re a child! You don’t know what love is!”

“Thomas. We need to stay calm,” she scolded. After a deep sigh, she turned to me and said, “We can help you with the baby while you’re at school, and you could always consider adoption. You’re so young, Ellie. You have your whole life ahead of you … And this boy, Ellie, he’s not the one for you. Deep down, I think you know that.”

“I’m not giving up the baby!”

“Okay. Then let us help you. You don’t have to move in with him. You can stay here, finish your classes, and we can do—”

“Don’t waste your breath, Margret. Look at her.” With a disgusted face, he motioned his hand in my direction. “She’s already made up her mind. She’s not listening to a damn thing we say.”

“Because you aren’t listening to me!” I replied. “I know you don’t like Brady, but I love him, and I’m not giving up this baby!”

He took a step towards me as he growled, “Well, listen to this. If you leave and move in with this boy, then you’re on your own. It will be your decision, and you’ll have to live with the consequences. Don’t come crawling back to us when everything goes to hell.”

I was surprised by his reaction, but the look on his face told me he meant every word. “Dad, please don’t do this. Don’t make me choose between you and him.”

“It shouldn’t be a hard decision. We’ve never failed to be here for you when you needed us. Can you say the same for him?”

“That’s not fair.”

“Of course it is, Ellie. So, what’s it going to be? Are you going to do the right thing? Are you going to stay here with us and let us help you get through all this, or are you going to walk away?”

Thinking back on my past made me realize that family was so important—it was everything. I had it made. I lived in a nice town with a family who loved me, and then I screwed it all up when I chose Brady over them. If I could go back in time and take it all back, I would. I would do it in a heartbeat, but that’s the thing about the past: There’s nothing in the world you can do to change it. If I could just go back, I would’ve stayed there with my mom and dad that day. I would’ve let them help me and let the cards fall where they may. If I had, I might’ve actually had the baby, graduated from college, and had the life I’d always dreamed of. Unfortunately, none of that happened, and to make matters worse, I no longer had my family for support. There was no way I would’ve gone to them now anyway; I couldn’t pull them into my nightmare. Not that it mattered anymore, but I had to figure this out on my own.

With the snow falling even harder than before, I just kept driving. I had no idea where I was going. I just knew I had get as far away from Ellensburg as possible, so I headed into the mountains and prayed that I’d end up somewhere safe. Several hours later, I was running low on gas, and the roads were getting worse by the minute. My eyelids were becoming heavy and my entire body was weak from exhaustion. Even though I needed to find somewhere to stop, I just kept pushing forward. I didn’t have a choice. I had no idea where I was, and there were no gas stations, restaurants, or even a house, anywhere in sight. The longer I drove, the harder it was to keep my eyes open, and the minute I closed them, I lost control of my car. It happened in an instant. I felt like I was floating through the air as the car slid towards the edge of the road. Overcome with panic, I tried slamming on the brakes, but it did nothing to stop me from heading towards the embankment. With a terrifying jolt, the car rocked to its side and started to flip—over and over again. I barely had time to scream before the air bags knocked me back and my head slammed against the driver’s side window. The sound of breaking glass and crumbling metal was deafening as the car continued to tumble down a long, deep ravine. The whole thing happened in slow motion and seemed to last a lifetime before it all stopped. The car eventually slammed into a thick of trees, leaving me surrounded by silence.