Chapter 14
River
I’m glad Jack didn’t turn back into himself after the episode with Beverly. I had Kyle blindfold her, and take her a few towns over, before he made sure she got on a bus. Most of the slaves are blindfolded or out cold when they come here, so that no one can find us if they choose to leave.
I’m still a little in shock that Jack wanted to kiss me. My heart is upset that I stopped him, while my mind tells me I did the right thing.
His smile haunts me. When I close my eyes, it’s all I see. I was so stunned when he smiled. It transformed his normally harsh features into a breathtaking sight. I’m totally screwed. I hate feeling out of control of my emotions, but when it comes to Jack, they’re all over the place.
Jack and Sophia have been with us for three months. They’re adjusting so much better than I could ever have hoped for.
We’ve been sharing a bed for almost a month, and every night it gets harder to pretend that I don’t feel something more than friendship for him. It might be my overactive imagination, but it feels as if things have slowly been changing between us.
Just like all the other nights, I listen to his breathing.
“Can I ask you something?” he suddenly asks.
“Sure,” I whisper, turning onto my back.
“You said that you like to watch, that it turns you on. Was that the truth?”
I’m surprised that he even remembers what I said that night. “Why do you ask?”
“Just wondering.”
“It’s just a cover I use for the parties so I can get in. They think I have a collection of slaves that I play with, like someone might play with their dolls. It’s the only thing I could think of so it wouldn’t be expected of me to have sex with slaves.”
He turns on his side, facing me. I’m not sure where he’s going with all of this. He brings his hand to my cheek, his fingers leaving a hot trail down the line of my jaw.
I take a breath, and watch as his eyes go to my mouth. His hand slips behind my head and I grab hold of his forearm. I’m not sure if I’m trying to stop him, or encourage him.
When it comes to this part of life, I’m just as lost as he is.
There’s a determined look on his face, as he leans forward. I can’t push him away, and instead, I close my eyes. His breath on my mouth is my only warning. His lips brush against mine, and the slight touch is enough to make my heart explode.
He hesitates for a moment, and it’s enough time to clear my head. I yank away from him and scramble out from under the covers. I fall off the bed, but quickly get up. My hands flutter everywhere, straightening my clothes.
I touch my fingertips to my lips, still stunned by what just happened.
As Jack moves to get out of bed, I run for the door.
He’s is still too raw. I should have stopped him sooner, instead of letting my heart take over. I’m such a fool.
I walk out onto the patio and lean against the wooden railing. I stare blankly into the night trying to gather my confused thoughts.
“What’s nipping at your heals?” Adam says from the dark corner.
I go to where he is and sit down. “Jack sort of kissed me.”
“And that’s bad?”
“Yes, it’s bad,” I snap. “He’s still healing. I don’t want to take advantage of him.”
“How are you taking advantage of him if he kissed you?” Adam asks.
I glare at him. “He doesn’t know any better and I do.”
“That’s bullshit and you know it,” he snaps back at me. “He’s a fucking grown man, River. If I were to kiss Sophia would that be wrong?”
I stare out into the night, hating that he’s right.
“Are you telling me or asking me, Adam.”
He sighs heavily and then says, “I suppose I’m asking you.”
“I don’t know.” My whole body slumps back against the chair. “Honestly, I don’t know. You and Sophia are a different story. Sophia is different from Jack. I’m different from you.”
“That’s not an answer, River.”
“There is no right answer.” I jump up again, feeling antsy.
“There is always an answer. It might just not be what you want to hear,” Adams says in a low tone that makes his voice rumble like thunder. When he uses that tone on me I know he’s about to get serious.
I turn back to Adam. “Fine. Let me have it.”
He gets up and comes to stand in front of me. “It’s not wrong for two people to enjoy each other if they both want to. A blind man can see that you care about Jack. You’re scared shitless because for the first time in your life, you’re in love.”
Anger bubbles up inside of me, hot and fast. “I’m not scared. That’s ridiculous.”
“You’re scared of what he means to you.”
I frown, not following Adam at all.
He shoves a hand through his hair and then his grey eyes pin mine. “You want to be with him, but then you’ll have to admit that your whole life has been a lie. You say you hate sex, and I understand where you’re coming from with that, but I think you’re hiding behind your past. You’re refusing sex because you’re scared you’ll turn out to be just like your father.”
The slap echoes around us and my palm stings. Shocked at what I’ve done, I stare at Adam.
His face is carved of stone when his eyes meet mine.
“Don’t ever hit me again.”
He walks away leaving me with my fast growing guilt.
How can things go wrong so fast?
I spend the morning with the girls, picking fruit. I tell myself it’s to make sure they’re all okay after Beverly’s sudden departure.
I’m such a coward.
“River, those aren’t ripe yet,” Jamie says, and she takes the rock hard pear from me. “Are you okay?”
She looks really concerned so I force a smile to my face. “I’m just tired. I didn’t sleep well.”
“Go back to the house.” She gives me a quick hug before returning to the patch she’s busy with.
When I walk into the kitchen I find Miss Ella, Sophia and Jack sitting at the table and eating pie.
They don’t see me and I take the opportunity to look at Jack. His scars have healed nicely. The remaining ones only make him look rugged and handsome.
“Have you ever been in love, Miss Ella,” Sophia asks.
“I try to avoid it,” Miss Ella pats her mouth with a napkin and then looks her square in the eye. “Love is like a car accident, child.”
I pull a face. That’s not what I’d compare it to. I listen as she continues to share her wisdom.
“It hits you hard and out of the blue. By the time you realize that you’re in love it’s too late to run for the hills. When it’s done with your poor heart; you’re either in a world of pain, or you’re one of the lucky ones who has a great story to tell. Love will either break you or make you.”
Sophia stares at Miss Ella, blinking a few times.
I walk closer and take a seat with them. “What Miss Ella is trying to say is that love can hurt if it’s not returned by the other person, and love can be a beautiful thing if both parties feel the same way.”
Jack’s looks at me and I flinch from the anger I see there. “Beautiful thing my ass. You don’t have a clue what love is.”
I can feel Miss Ella and Sophia’s eyes swing from me to Jack, as if they’re watching a tennis match.
I want to defend myself, but I don’t even know where to begin.
Jack stands up and resting his hands on the table, he towers over us all.
“I’m damaged, River, not destroyed.”
I don’t know what to do. I feel helpless as he walks away from me.
I can feel Miss Ella staring at me. Sophia went after Jack because I am too much of a coward.
“He cares for you,” Miss Ella says in her take-no-nonsense way.
“He can’t.” I get up and start to pace the floor.
“That boy knows more about love than you do.” She gets up to stir whatever she has cooking and then angrily wipes her hands on the apron she’s always wearing. “I’ve been down to the chapel. I’ve seen how pretty he’s made it.” She throws her arms wide, her cheeks flushing with anger. “Look at all the beauty he creates. Only a man who knows about love can do all of that.”
She walks over to me and lays a soft hand on my cheek. “Child, a one sided love is a destructive thing. It breeds anger and jealousy. You love the man and he loves you. Let the past be the past and go to that man before it’s too late.”
Miss Ella is always right. Am I using my past as an excuse to hide behind, just like Adam said?
I don’t have the guts to face Jack yet, so I go hide in the office pretending to do books the whole day long.
I knock softly and wait for Adam to answer the door.
Instead, Sophia opens the door. For a minute I can only stare, before I finally ask, “Is Adam here?”
“Yes, he’s just taking a shower. Come in,” she says smiling wide.
I follow her to the kitchen and watch as she’s finishing up two cups of coffee.
“Would you like some?” she asks politely.
I take a hard look at her. She’s changed a lot over the past month. She’s become more human and less robotic. She’s alive and not just existing.
“No, thank you,” I say and then smile. “You look good, Sophia.”
She blushes and looks in the direction of the closed bedroom door. “Adam is good to me. He’s teaching me what’s right and what’s wrong.”
“I’m happy for you.”
The bedroom door opens and Adam comes out, dressed in only a pair of sweats. His eyes jump from me to Sophia, and then he asks, “Is there something you needed?”
I shake my head and quickly apologize, “I’m sorry for slapping you the other night. You were right and I just didn’t want to hear it. I’m so sorry, Adam.”
His face softens and he walks over to me. He hugs me hard and I sink into him, so happy that he’s forgiving me. That’s one thing about Adam, he never holds on to his anger.
He pulls back and cups my cheek. “You deserve to be happy, and so does he.”
“Thank you for always being there to point me in the right direction.”
“Always, that’s what friends are for.”
I leave them so they can have their coffee. Tomorrow I’ll talk with Jack and hopefully we’ll be able to put this all behind us.