Chapter 12
Jack
Over the weeks I’ve fallen into a routine of some sorts. Every day I have brunch with Miss Ella and Sophia. I keep busy outside until it’s time for dinner, which I have with River. I don’t talk to the others. I don’t feel comfortable around any of them.
Sometimes I’ll run into Adam and he’ll ask me how I’m doing, but other than that we don’t talk. I’m glad everyone is leaving me alone.
There are times my past digs its claws into me, dragging me down into a pit of anger and disgust. But those times are getting easier to handle. Some days, I catch a glimpse of what happiness is like.
I’m busy shoveling my second wheelbarrow of manure, when Christopher and Maddie walk toward the barn. I’m slowly learning everyone’s names.
They were the first people I saw kissing. I’ve seen a lot in my life, but never people kissing.
“Jack?” My eyes dart to where Tristan is standing. He points behind him. “Do you have a second? The girls need some help carrying the fruit to the house. Would you mind helping them? I would, but I need to check on Diane. She’s come down with the flu.”
“Sure.” I leave the wheelbarrow filled with half a load of manure, and go to the piece of farmland they use to grow the fruits.
The women are all standing around a baskets filled with all kinds of fruits.
One of the women breaks away from the group and walks toward me. My body instantly tenses and my defenses go up.
“Well, well. Aren’t you a sight for sore eyes,” she purrs and it makes the hair on the back of my neck rise. She stops in front of me and let her eyes travel over the length of my body.
Anger starts to burn through my veins, and I fist my hands so I don’t do anything stupid.
“Aren’t you tired of River? You’re welcome in my bed any day.”
I stop and stare down at her. “It’s summer. Why would you need a warm bed?” When I don’t respond, she takes a step closer. She runs her tongue over her lips. “I was thinking we could have some fun.”
It happens fast. The one second she’s reaching out to me and the next my hand is closing around her throat.
My body starts to shake and my fingers tighten around her neck.
Screams pierce through the wall of rage cloaking me, and I let her drop to the ground.
“Don’t ever touch me,” I hiss, before I walk away.
When I finally stop walking, I find myself standing knee deep in water. My breaths are racing over my lips. My heart is pounding out of my chest. It feels as if I’m suffocating.
I don’t know what time it is. I keep staring at the water as the light fades around me until it’s dark.
“Jack,” River whispers from behind me.
I rub my hands over my face and then lock them behind my neck. I want to scream until there’s nothing left of me.
“I had Kyle escort Beverly off the property. She’s gone.”
I turn around and let my arms drop to my sides.
“Do you want to talk about it?” she asks.
I walk out of the water and sit down on the stretch of sand.
When River sits down next to me, I look at her and ask, “Why the fuck do people think they can just take what they want?”
“Some people are selfish and arrogant.” She shrugs and then says, “You’re a very handsome man, Jack. Women will find you attractive. But it’s no reason for someone to touch you without your permission.”
“Being attractive is a fucking curse,” I growl.
“No, Jack.” River looks out over the water. “I find you attractive too, but I don’t force myself on you. Most people are like me. They’ll admire something beautiful from a distance.”
I’ve always hated what I see in the mirror. If I were born ugly, then maybe I would have been spared from becoming a sex slave. But, hearing that River finds me attractive, it makes me feel different about myself for the first time.
I’ve always separated myself from my body. I consisted of a promise, anger, disgust, shame – but never something that could be touched.
I stare at her until she meets my eyes. I watch as they dance over my face and I know she sees all of me. I’m not just a body to her.
I want her to touch me. The thought is a sobering one.
“I’ve been watching Christopher and Maddie,” I admit.
“Yeah?” My eyes drop to her mouth. “I’ve been watching them kiss. I’ve done everything but kiss someone,” I scoff cynically.
River stands up and nervously shoves her hands in her pockets.
“People kiss if they really like each other. Christopher and Maddie have been together for a while now.”
“Have you kissed someone before?” I get up, too, moving closer to her.
“No … I mean … yes.” She takes a deep breath, her eyes darting everywhere. She’s been doing that a lot lately. “I kissed that stable boy once. I didn’t like it and you know the rest.”
I take another step closer to her and her eyes dart up at me. I know she’s attracted to me. I can feel it. I can see it in her nervous movements.
The difference is that she’s trying hard to hide it from me, instead of just taking what she wants, and that makes me want her. For the first time in my life, I know what it feels like to desire someone.
Kissing is the one thing no one has taken from me. I control who I kiss. I start to lean forward but River’s hand pushes against my chest, and she steps back.
“What are you doing?” Normally, people look at me with lust and greed. River’s eyes are wide with shock. She’s the opposite of every single person I’ve met in my life.
“I want to kiss you,” I say honestly.
“Me?” she sputters and takes another step back. “You don’t want to kiss me, Jack. Wait until you meet a girl who makes your heart beat faster. When you find that girl it will be worth the wait.”
A smile pulls at my lips and I watch her eyes drop to my mouth.
I’ll wait, but in the end it will still be River. She makes me feel something other than my need for revenge. She makes me feel alive.