Cole

 

What was it about this girl? I couldn’t figure her out. Most women I could read from a mile away. They were always after something. Money, a good lay, whatever. Most of the time, if it was a lay, I was happy to give them what they wanted. This one was a puzzle.

 

One thing I knew for sure: I’d never met a woman like her. She was strong and fragile at the same time. She had no problem beating on me, punching me until she exhausted herself. She didn’t back down, no matter how many times I told her to. I had to admire her for that.

 

What surprised me most was what an animal she was in bed. That was another thing that set her apart. She was such a good girl on the outside, but when it came down to it, she had an appetite almost as big as mine was. That was saying something. We went all night, and she still seemed to want more. It was like I finally met my match.

 

I knew I should go home, like, as soon as I woke up. If this were any other woman in any other place, I would have gotten right out of bed and put on my clothes. She would have gotten a pat on the ass and a kiss on the cheek, then she would have been history. I never did more than a one-night stand or a casual fling with one of the club’s regular girls. That was as far as I was willing to go.

 

Except now, I wanted to stay. I wanted to touch her, see her, hear her voice. She was like some drug I was already addicted to. And she was dangerous, for sure. She had no idea how dangerous she could be.

 

No woman ever made pancakes for me the morning after we slept together, but that was exactly what Alena did. The smell of them, and of coffee, was what finally woke me up. I put my clothes on and stumbled downstairs, feeling like I ran a marathon. She’d kept me going all night. I couldn’t get enough.

 

When she heard me walk into the kitchen, just off the living room, she turned to me and smiled. Like she was happy to see me. When did that ever happen?

 

And it was like that all day. She was happy I was there. She didn’t hang over me. She just smiled, and chatted, and poured my coffee for me. She was a good cook—they were the best pancakes I ever had—and she was fun to be with. She made the morning nicer. Usually, I woke up and there was a hungover chick slung over my arm. Her makeup would be running down her face, and her hair would be sticking up all over the place. Alena was like an angel, especially compared to those other women.

 

Why didn’t I just leave? Why did I want to hang out all day? It wasn’t like she asked me to stay, and I didn’t ask permission to stay either. It seemed normal, like the way it was supposed to go. Sometimes she would touch my hand, and I’d feel a little jolt like she shocked me.

 

What was so special about her? Was it the way she made me feel like I was protecting her and being taken care of at the same time? Because that was exactly it. I told myself I was staying so she wouldn’t be worried that someone was going to come and hurt her, but really, it was more because she made me feel good. She listened to me, really listened. She didn’t just laugh too loud, or tell me I was so smart when I said something that wasn’t very smart at all. She didn’t go along with everything I thought either. She wasn’t afraid to argue with me. When she wasn’t arguing, she was listening like she cared what I had to say. She would ask questions like she wanted to know more.

 

There was something about that feeling of being cared about. I hadn’t felt it very much before then, so it was hard to think about leaving. It might not happen again.

 

By the time it was mid-afternoon, we were hanging out on the sofa in front of the TV. She was stretched out with her head at one end. I was sitting in the middle, my feet on an ottoman, with her legs across my lap. We weren’t paying attention to the TV, though.

 

“What made you join the club?” she asked at one point. I laughed, but she was serious.

 

“You really wanna know?”

 

“Yeah. Why would I have asked, otherwise?”

 

I laughed again. “I don’t know. It’s not an easy question to answer. There’s no easy way to describe what it felt like when I was young and I just discovered the Midnight Riders.”

 

“Did you like the lifestyle?”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Like, you know. The fast-paced stuff.”

 

“How much experience do you have with an MC? And don’t tell me it’s all from television and movies.” She didn’t say anything, but her face turned red. I nodded my head. “I thought so.”

 

“Tell me I’m wrong, then.” She sat up. “Tell me. What was it that made you wanna join? I can’t imagine it was an easy decision.”

 

“No. It wasn’t easy. But it was the only choice I had.”

 

“How come?” She was so intensely interested. I couldn’t avoid answering.

 

“I didn’t have the best childhood.” Was I seriously telling her this? Skull was the only person who knew the shit I went through. But something about the way she smiled made me think she would understand. And I knew, from what she told me already about the way she raised Sara, that she could relate to stories about parents who didn’t give a shit about their kids.

 

“You don’t have to tell me the specifics if you don’t want to,” she said. I could have kissed her for that. But I did want to tell her, that was the thing. Maybe I’d been holding it in for too long. I had been waiting for the right person to spill my guts to.

 

“It’s okay. I want to tell you. Only my best friend knows about this stuff. Maybe…I don’t know, it’ll help you understand me a little better. Sometimes I can’t explain the things I do or the way I see things, but I can, at least, tell you this. Does that make sense?”

 

She nodded. “Perfect sense. I’d like to hear about it, then.” She looked so totally sincere, like she genuinely wanted to know more about me instead of just kissing my ass. Had anyone ever treated me that way? If they did, I couldn’t remember. She took me seriously, not just because I was the leader of a club. I could have been anybody, done anything. She wanted to know me, the real me. I didn’t even think I knew that person.

 

“When I was eight years old, my parents both OD’d on a bad batch of heroin.”

 

“My God.” Her eyes went wide.

 

“You sure you still wanna hear about it?” She only nodded. So I kept going. “I was home with them—it was the middle of the night when it happened. I don’t think I remember a time when they weren’t addicts. Not just to heroin. I think that was the last thing they took. Before that, it was pills. Crack. Cocaine. And they both drank, all the time.” I watched, wanting to see her face when I got to the worst stuff.

 

“And they beat me. Well, my mom did. When she was awake and with it enough to beat me, anyway. Most of the time she was a zombie. But when she was dying for a hit, and there was nothing in the house? She would beat the shit out of me, just because she was so desperate.”

 

“What about your father?” Alena asked.

 

“He was always out hustling, trying to score for them. I don’t even know if he was really my father, to be honest with you. He was the only man I knew who I called ‘Daddy.’ I do remember a few times when we played together, like actually played. Maybe they weren’t too deep into it yet. He helped me build a little castle out of Legos, and sometimes we would toss a ball around. Those were good times. But then that stopped. Now that I’m old enough to understand, I know nothing meant more to them than the drugs. But when you’re a kid, you think it’s about you. You did something wrong to make them not love you anymore.”

 

Alena put a hand on my shoulder. “I know how that feels,” she whispered.

 

I nodded. “That’s why I’m telling you, because I think you know a little bit about it. Only for me, it was worse than being left. I was invisible. Like they totally forgot I existed sometimes. They forgot to enroll me in the second grade—an officer from the school district came to the house. For a minute I thought he would take me out of there, or, at least, make them pay attention to me. But he didn’t. He just made sure I got enrolled. I wanted…I wanted to tell him I was hungry. But I was too ashamed. Then there was the time I got home from school and all my toys were gone. I thought it was because I did something bad. I know they sold them all for drug money.”

 

“Christ,” Alena muttered. I heard how disgusted she was. There might have been a time when I would have defended them, like back when I was younger. But I couldn’t do it anymore. I didn’t care that she was disgusted. I was disgusted, too.

 

“You can imagine how shitty our house was. We hardly had anything. I’m talking bare light bulbs, a TV that was always half-broken, a couple of pots and pans that were always dirty. I was always hungry. I used to hate weekends, because I didn’t know if I’d get anything to eat at home. At least there were free lunches and school. And the summer was the worst. The house would be hotter than hell, and I wouldn’t be able to get any free food at all. Sometimes they would even come home from being out, and they would have fast food bags. But nothing for me. I really think they forgot about me.” I could remember it like it was yesterday, being so hungry and seeing them come home with food, and thinking it was for me. It wasn’t.

 

“Then,” I said, “there were the times when other people would come over. I was never allowed downstairs when that happened. But one time I sneaked down—of course I did, right? I was a kid. I was curious. I never sneaked down again.”

 

“I’m afraid to ask,” Alena whispered.

 

“They were all stoned out of their minds, and two guys were…doing things to my mom.” Alena gasped and put her hands over her mouth. I nodded. “There was money on the table. That’s how they made money when there was nothing else to sell. My dad was sitting right there, too. Getting high.”

 

“My God. I am so sorry,” Alena said.

 

“I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

 

“It’s not even that. I’m sorry for you. I wish I could give that little boy a big hug,” she said. I had to smile.

 

“Then there was the day when I woke up, and they were both dead. Just like that. Dead on the living room floor. I had come downstairs to leave for school, and I found them. I knew people were there the night before, so I don’t know if it happened when they were partying or afterward, when they were alone. I sat on the couch and wondered what to do. We didn’t have a phone. I couldn’t call the police. I didn’t know where the station was. And besides…I loved them. Even though they forgot about me and acted like I didn’t matter, I still loved them. I thought, maybe if I were a better kid, they wouldn’t have done what they did. It’s amazing, isn’t it? The shit we tell ourselves when we’re little? Like that would have made a difference, either way.”

 

“But they were your parents. Of course, you loved them. That’s all kids know how to do. They just love. I remember the rush I used to get when Sara would smile when I got home from work. It was the greatest feeling in the world. No matter what her day had been like or even if she felt sick, she was always happy to see me.”

 

We were quiet for a little while. Then Alena asked, “What happened? I mean, with your parents?”

 

“Oh, I went to a house across the street. The ones on either side of us were empty, but the one across the street had a nice old lady living there. I told her I thought my parents were dead, and she said something about them being no-good junkies. But she felt sorry for me, you know? She took me inside the house and fed me before she called the police. I was asked a bunch of questions, and put in a boys’ home.”

 

Alena didn’t ask any more questions, and I didn’t want to talk any more about it either. There were too many bad memories. Getting beaten up the whole first year I was in that home. Wishing a family would come to foster me out, then adopt me. Nobody ever did, so I decided to rely on myself. I started working out as soon as I knew I needed to bulk up if I was gonna get anywhere. By the time I was twelve, I was the biggest kid I knew. Nobody fucked with me after that.

 

The one constant in my life had always been Skull. He was there for me. He understood some of what I was going through—his parents were alcoholics, his older sister died of an overdose when he was ten. We never had to explain ourselves to each other. And when he found the club, he told me about them. It sounded like the family we both needed, even though we told ourselves and each other we didn’t need a family. But everyone needed to feel like they belonged somewhere.

 

“Nails was like a father to me,” I murmured.

 

“Who’s Nails?”

 

“He was president of the club when I came in. He was a real leader. He had that sort of…I don’t know, something special that makes you want to follow a person. You know what I mean?”

 

“Yeah,” Alena said. She smiled at me. “I think you have that, too.”

 

“He picked me to be president when he was gone.”

 

“See?” she asked. “He saw it in you, too.”

 

“Only he wasn’t supposed to step down so soon,” I said. “I know there’s a lot more I could have learned from him.”

 

She moved closer to me. I was looking down, at my lap, until her hand on the side of my face turned my head to hers.

 

“You’re a great leader. I see it in the way your men look at you. I saw it when I first met you in the bar. You hold court. Your presence fills the room. You’re a commander. People do what you say. You’re the perfect president for your club.”

 

I had no idea I’d needed to hear that until she said it. When she did, I felt a sort of relief. Somebody understood me. For a second, I knew what it meant to have a woman by my side. Not some club groupie, not some skank who fucked every guy around. A real woman. Someone who didn’t feel like she had to kiss up to me to get me to like her or earn a higher rank in the club.

 

I leaned in and kissed her. It was the natural thing to do. She kissed me back fiercely, like she was hungry for me. I gave her what she wanted, and I took what I wanted from her when my tongue darted into her mouth. She whimpered, but responded even more strongly, like she wanted to rip my face off with her kisses. I wondered how long it had been since somebody kissed her like this.

 

Our kiss deepened even further, and I started to strain against the zipper of my jeans. I groaned when her hand cupped me. She knew just what to do to me. How could she know?

 

I pushed her onto the couch, lowering myself between her legs as we kissed. She rubbed me through my jeans, and I sucked on her bottom lip while I fondled her tits. I could have done it all night, and the next day. I couldn’t get enough of her. Everything was more exciting with her. I got hard faster, and when I came it was always harder than I ever had before. And as soon as I finished, I wanted more. Like I did right then, humping her hand.

 

Buzzing in my pocket pulled me out of the moment, and I growled when I realized it was my phone.

 

“Great timing,” I muttered, and set up. Alena gave this breathless little laugh that made me want to forget whatever was happening in my world and take her, then and there. But I had ignored the club all day. Part of being the leader was putting them before myself, even when I wanted to do anything but.

 

I frowned when I read the text which had come through. It was Ryan, telling me Skull had been picked up for DUI the night before and was asking me to bail him out.

 

My brain felt like it might break. Immediately I wondered why the hell nobody else could bail him out. Why did it have to be me? Wasn’t part of being president not having to waste my time on the kind of shit we sent rookies to do? Errands, stuff like that? No, I had to drop everything and run to him because he was fucking stupid enough to get himself arrested.

 

Then I was hit with worry, too. What was happening to him? He was a wreck, and getting worse. I was watching my best friend slide downhill and there was nothing I could do about it. I sure as hell couldn’t talk to him. Every time I tried to, he would shut me down. I had to watch while he drank himself to death.

 

It wasn’t just him this time, either. It was the club. He was making us look worse, drawing attention to us. Now they’d be on our asses again for a little while, paying close attention to us because he’d been drinking and driving. I could have killed him for it. He knew the tight squeeze we were in, but he was too selfish to put anyone but himself first.

 

I remembered when the club first installed me as president. Skull had been the first and only choice I came up with for my VP. Now I wondered if I’d made the right decision. He wasn’t the man he used to be. That was the hardest thing of all to come to grips with.

 

“What is it?” Alena asked.

 

Shit, I’d almost forgotten she was even there. I put the phone down.

 

“I’m gonna have to go,” I said. I couldn’t help sounding disappointed when I said it, and she looked disappointed, too. I felt bad. I didn’t want her to think I was giving her the brush-off. Since when did I care what a woman thought when I left her, though? This was getting to be too much, too soon.

 

She rolled with it, though. “Yeah, I guess I’ve kept you here for longer than I should have. You’re probably a pretty busy man.” She smiled, and I wondered if she was honest about how she felt. Maybe part of me wanted her to make a scene, so I could remind myself why it wasn’t a good idea to get too close to any one woman. But she surprised me, like she did over and over again.

 

“Do you mind if I take a shower before I go?” I asked. I wouldn’t tell her this, but I wanted to look half-decent when I got to the station. All I needed was for the cops to see the dirty piece of white trash they already thought I was.

 

Alena showed me to the bathroom, and it wasn’t until I was in the tub that I realized I should have invited her in with me. Then again, that wasn’t the best idea—I’d probably end up taking an extra hour, or more, with her. Skull would be going crazy waiting for me.

 

Maybe he deserved it.

 

I hated to think like that about my best friend. In our world, loyalty was everything. If you didn’t believe in the men you rode with, you might as well hang it up. You had to be loyal and trust the loyalty of the men with you. When you didn’t trust, you hesitated at the wrong time. You could get yourself killed if you didn’t believe your guys had your back. It was thoughts like the ones I was having about Skull that started mistrust. I had to cut them off.

 

I thought about the good times instead. The times he’d had my back. I could have gotten in serious trouble more than once if he hadn’t been there to help me. I definitely would have gotten my ass handed to me if he wasn’t so good in a fight. He had a cool head…or he used to. I didn’t know what was happening now.

 

Ever since we were kids, I’d counted on having him next to me. We were closer than brothers, and I was stronger when I had him. Even when I became president, and I had no idea what the hell I was gonna do, I hadn’t been afraid because he was with me.

 

Now what was I supposed to do with him, when he was dead set on killing himself?