Cole

 

I was dreaming. It was one of those dreams you knew was a dream.

 

I was living in my old house, the one we lived in when I was a kid. Only I was an adult now, the same age I was in real life. There I was, laying on the mattress in the corner of the room, flipping through a comic book. It was one of the few things I was able to hold onto after my parents sold off the rest of my toys and other things. I used to hide it in a slit in the mattress. I’d read through it so many times, the pages were almost falling out.

 

I heard laughter downstairs, and music. I knew my parents were having a party. I was never allowed to go downstairs if there was a party happening. I didn’t even like leaving my room to go to the bathroom. One time when I did, I ran into a scary man in the hallway. His face was all covered in sores. From that time on, I kept a bottle in my room in case I had to pee.

 

They were cheering downstairs. I wondered why. And I had to go to the bathroom, really bad. I looked around the room but didn’t see a bottle anywhere. What was I supposed to do? I had to leave the room and rush to the bathroom.

 

I opened the door, looking left and right to make sure there was nobody up there with me. Then I hurried into the bathroom and peed as fast as I could. I washed my hands, and when I looked up in the mirror, I saw myself. I was a grownup. Why was I still afraid of my parents and their friends?

 

I heard more noise from downstairs, and my curiosity was too much. I had to know what they were doing there. It wasn’t the usual talking and music. It sounded like animals were in the living room.

 

I tiptoed down the first few stairs, then looked through the railing. I could just see three men on their knees, with somebody in the middle. She was on her knees, too, with one hand on the floor. One of the men was behind her, one was in front, and one was off to the side. All three of them were doing things to her. The one behind was holding her hips, roughly humping her. The one in front held onto her head and shoved his dick into her mouth. The third was playing with her tits while she jerked him off—then she moved her mouth to his dick and stroked the other one.

 

There were other people sitting around. Some were watching, some were passed out. My dad was one of the passed out people, curled up in a ball on the floor. I wanted to wake him up and tell him to stop those men. How could he let this happen to his wife? She was being fucked by other men while he was too high to care.

 

Then the man behind her finished, groaning painfully when he did. As soon as he slid out, one of the two in front moved around to take his place.

 

“Roll over, bitch,” he muttered, and he slapped her ass. She did what he said, and when she rolled onto her back, I saw it wasn’t my mom this time. It was Alena.

 

My eyes flew open. I was sweating and my heart was pounding. That sick image stuck in my head. Alena, being used like that in the middle of a drug den.

 

Was that who I was afraid she would become if she hooked up with me? No, it couldn’t be. I was just mixing her up with my mom since I told her the story earlier about how I saw almost the same thing happening when I was a kid. I would never let anything like that happen to her. She was too good a person to go down that road. Maybe my parents were good people at one time. I wouldn’t know.

 

I took one deep breath, then another, forcing my heart to stop pounding the way it was. I had to get control of myself. I didn’t want her to wake up and worry.

 

Then I realized I was in bed alone. I rolled over, trying to get comfortable again. As soon as she was back and I could touch her, everything would be okay.

 

A voice in my head laughed. Who the hell are you? I heard it just as clear as I would have if another person said it to me not three feet from the bed. Who the hell was I? I didn’t know anymore. This wasn’t the Cole Sutton who had notches in his bedpost for every woman he ever fucked. This wasn’t the Cole who would practically be out the door after he came, or who’d be shoving the girl out the door if we were at my place. This wasn’t like me at all. Here I was, wanting Alena to come back to bed so I’d feel safe. If I didn’t know myself, I’d hate me for being so whipped.

 

Hadn’t I already learned my lesson from my parents? Love was a joke. The only thing it got you was pain. When you loved a person, they had power over you and could do whatever they wanted to hurt you. I didn’t want to leave myself open to that again. Right? Wasn’t that what I always told myself? But here I was. I walked right into it.

 

No, I didn’t love her. It wasn’t close to that. But I did need her, and that was scarier. Just the way I wanted her to come back to bed showed me how much I needed her. Damn it. I got too close to her. She was eating at my mind all the time, ever since that first minute I laid eyes on her at the bar. She wormed her way inside like a disease and grew when I wasn’t paying attention. Now I was in her bed, in the middle of the night. Sucker.

 

A lot of time passed, and she still didn’t come back. Now I was worried. Had someone come while I was sleeping? I shot out of bed and down the stairs.

 

When I saw her sitting on the sofa, I breathed a sigh of relief. “Shit. You had me scared for a second.” I laughed. “What are you doing up? Come back to bed.”

 

She didn’t move a muscle. The hair stood up on the back of my neck. Something had happened while I was sleeping.

 

“What’s the matter?” I asked, wishing she would at least look at me. When she did, her eyes were like marbles. Cold and hard.

 

“Who is Skull?” she asked. “Tell me the truth.”

 

“He’s my vice president,” I said.

 

“I don’t care who he is to your club,” she spat. “And you know it. I mean, who is he to you?”

 

“Why do you wanna know? Why does this matter right now? What’s Skull got to do with us at this time of the night?” I was stalling, trying to come up with something to say. Why did she want to talk about Skull? What had he done?

 

“Didn’t you hear your phone ringing?” she asked, and she held it up from where it had sat on her lap. I hadn’t noticed it.

 

“No. I’m sorry it woke you.” I held my hand out, wanting the phone back. She didn’t hand it over.

 

“I’m going to ask you again. Who is Skull? And why does he want to talk to you about Sara?” She threw the phone at me. I caught it only as a reflex. I was too shocked to think straight.

 

“What are you talking about?”

 

“Check your messages.”

 

“You were going through them?” But all I had to do was touch the screen and see the most recent calls and messages listed there. She didn’t need to break into my phone. Skull had texted me a half hour earlier, wanting to talk about Sara.

 

“How did he know Sara?” she asked. “Was he her boyfriend, or whatever it is you people call it? Her old man, maybe?”

 

“We don’t call it that,” I said, like it even mattered. All I wanted to do was end this conversation. It couldn’t do any good.

 

“I don’t care what you call it,” she said. “I couldn’t care less. You people disgust me, with your lies and your ability to do whatever it takes to protect one of your own, no matter what they’ve done. Even if they’ve killed an innocent girl. It doesn’t matter to you people, does it? Especially not you.”

 

“Don’t say that.”

 

“No, you’ll just fuck me anyway. Even when you see how it’s breaking my heart every minute of the day, you’ll pretend you don’t know anything about my sister and use me. Right? You’ll hold me in your arms in bed and sleep a nice, deep sleep. Your conscience doesn’t even bother you a little bit, does it? I can’t believe how cold you are.”

 

She was the one who was being cold, and it was scaring me a little. I was afraid of what she might do to herself. “Alena, please. Let me explain.”

 

“I am sick to death of your explanations!” she shouted. Her voice cut through the quiet. “All I want is the truth! Don’t sugarcoat it for me, Cole. Don’t give me your half-truths. You’ve known all along, haven’t you?”

 

“No, and that’s the truth. I still don’t know anything.”

 

“Right. You wouldn’t even try to find out for my sake, would you?” There was no winning with her. Anything I said, she took and twisted around so I was still the bad guy.

 

Well, wasn’t that who I was? I couldn’t pretend I was the one who was hurting in all this. She was the one who’d lost someone close to her, not me. And I knew in my heart who did it. I just didn’t know how, or what he did with her afterward.

 

“I did try to find out. Don’t you think people have secrets from me, too? They know I’d never go for something like this. Hurting a girl? Or worse? I’d lose it on them. They know it’s better to keep it from me. I tried. I asked questions. I did.”

 

“Then you’re not the leader you’re supposed to be,” she spat. That stung. It was like she had sat here going through everything in her head while I slept. She had an answer for everything before I even got it out of my mouth.

 

“Tell me,” she pleaded. “Tell me what happened to my sister! I want to know where she is! You will tell me!” She stood up, facing me. She was so small but so fierce. I wanted to hold her. I knew how much she was hurting. But I also knew how she would slap my face, or worse, if I did. I was naked and totally vulnerable.

 

“I can’t because I don’t know.” It sounded like a lame excuse, and it was, but I was desperate to get her to listen to me. And it was all I could say because it was the truth. “Alena, I can only say this so many ways. I do not know. I’m not even going to tell you to stop asking or warn you that you could get into trouble. I’m not doing that anymore. I’m just saying, flat-out, that I don’t know.”

 

“You’re such a liar! Then why does this guy want to talk to you about her?”

 

I looked at my phone, still in my hand. “I don’t know. I guess he’ll tell me once I get to his house. That’s the truth!”

 

“So he doesn’t want to talk about what you did with her body, or what he should do now that he got rid of her? And not about what you’re going to tell the police if they ever question you?”

 

“Jesus, Alena. You’re going off the deep end.” I hated seeing her like this. Now there were two people in my life going off the deep end, and I couldn’t help either of them. She was right. Some leader I was.

 

“Get the hell out of my house, and don’t ever come back.”

 

“Alena…”

 

“I mean it. Put your clothes on and get out of here. I never want to see you again.”

 

There was nothing for me to do but listen and do as she asked. She wasn’t in any position to listen to reason, that was for sure. She had sat there, alone, for thirty minutes. That was plenty of time for her brain to make up all kinds of stories. If there was such a thing as being at the end of your rope, she was there.

 

I put on clothes, which were all over the place. I didn’t bother with a shirt since that was upstairs. I could go home and put one on before going to Skull’s. I didn’t wanna take any more time than I needed. The way she looked at me made my blood run cold. I’d seen some murderous looks in my life, but this was the worst.

 

“I wish you would listen,” I said before I stepped outside. She slammed the door in my face.

 

I stood on her porch for a minute, hoping she would come around and let me back in once she realized what a bad move she’d made. But she didn’t. I was alone.

 

How could I protect her now, when she wanted nothing to do with me? I couldn’t sit out in front of her house all day.

 

It was almost dawn, and there was a chill in the air. I didn’t feel it, even without a shirt under my kutte. I got on my bike, riding away with a heavy heart. I hoped that whatever Skull had to say would be enough to finally put Alena’s mind at ease.

 

Of course, telling her what he said would mean betraying his trust. Trust was everything. What was more important to me? My best friend, or this woman who had totally changed everything about me?

 

First thing’s first. I had to find out what Skull wanted to tell me, and what this meant for Alena.