Chapter Sixteen

 

Makayla

 

 

I woke up cocooned in the shelter of Lenny’s arms. My body sought him out in the night against the wishes of my mind. My heart surged at the fact he didn’t turn me away.

Small steps.

What I said to him last night remained true. I wouldn’t survive losing him again. And yet, I didn’t take any extra measure to ensure I didn’t end up in his arms.

In fact, I took advantage of the fact that he was still sound asleep to lay there a moment longer, soak in the heat and comfort of his body wrapped around mine.

It felt like a lifetime ago since we had woke up tangled in one another’s arms, when in fact it was only yesterday. What a difference a day makes.

How two people so madly in love could end up on two completely different ends of the spectrum was beyond me.

It pained me to move, to extract myself from his body. But I couldn’t lay here a moment longer.

I couldn’t bring myself to face him so soon after our fight. I held strong, gently lifting his arm just enough to slip under.

I winced in alarm as his arm fell to the empty mattress. I watched with bated breath to see if he would stir.

With a soft grunt, he rooted around blindly, snagging the pillow I had been laying on, pulling it into his chest. His arms wrapped around the thick down square, pinning it to his chest.

A small smile tugged at my lips as he inhaled deeply, moaning lightly against the scent of my shampoo in his sleep.

I eased myself out of bed; periodically looking back to be sure he was still asleep.

With careful steps, I padded through the room, gathering my clothing for the day. With each step I looked back at the bed, ensuring not to disturb Lenny’s sleeping form. I felt like a burglar in my own home, creeping around in the shadows to avoid detection.

I showered at lightning fast speed. Skipping over my hair. I would use the dry shampoo I kept on hand for emergencies.

Every second I spent in the room was a second closer to Lenny waking up. A second closer to me having to face my fears. I was working against the clock. Time was no friend of mine. I was banking on the hope that Avery had worn him out enough for him to sleep in.

Showered and freshly dressed I gave Lenny one last long look before I slipped out of the bedroom and into Avery’s.

Our little girl was still asleep. Her long dark curls spread around her like a halo. Allowing her to sleep in a few minutes longer I busied around in her room, laying out her clothes, packing her bag, and getting her bath ready.

“Come on baby girl, it’s time to wake up.” I gently coaxed the tired three-year-old to wake.

Her eyes shot open at the sound of my voice as I brushed her hair out of her eyes.

“Mommy.” She exclaimed her voice still heavy with sleep.

“Come on, we have to get a bath and get ready for school.” I reminded her ushering her out of the bed and into her adjoining bathroom.

“Is Daddy taking me to school today?” I ignored the question, offering a smile in place of an answer.

How could I tell my little girl what I didn’t know? How could I tell her that I had screwed up so royally that I wasn’t sure when she would see her daddy again? 

Of course, I knew Lenny would never stay away from her, but it wouldn’t be how it’s been the past two weeks. She wouldn’t have him in her life every day like she has grown accustomed to.

The thought sat heavy on me. Weighing me down. 

Bathed and dressed Avery sat patiently at the dining room table as I poured her a bowl of cereal.

After their long night baking, I expected to walk into the kitchen to find it destroyed. Instead, it looked exactly as I had left it the night before.

“Do you like what we did?” Avery asked motioning wildly toward the spotless room.

“Did you and Daddy clean?” I asked, digging for insight as to how the two spent their evening.

Dark curls bobbed up and down on her delicate shoulders. “I was a big girl and helped clean up the mess.” She said proudly around bites of cereal.

“You are a big girl. Did you guys have fun?”

Her little head nodded eagerly sending her curls bouncing around.

“We had peaches like the boy in the book. Daddy put them on cake and ice cream. It was a birthday party for our belly.” She laughed as milk drooled down the side of her mouth.

“That sounds like so much fun.”  I smiled wistfully as I wiped down the counter in an attempt to stay busy.

I wished that I had been stronger. That I hadn’t let fear override my feelings for Lenny. I wished for so many things that I knew would never be. Most of all I wished that we had never fought, that the aching hollowness of my heart had never brought such horrid things from my mouth.

“All done.” She exclaimed pushing her bowl away.

“I’ll get that, Princess.” My eyes shot up at the sound of Lenny’s voice. I was so engrossed in my thoughts I hadn’t heard him enter the room.

Lenny was dressed in a slate blue t-shirt that molded to his body, the bands around the arms tight, straining against his biceps. Teasing lines of black ink peeked out of the sleeves.  A pair of loose fit jeans hung low on his hips. His hair was still damp from the shower. The dark purple bruise on his neck had begun to fade, now turning a medium pink. I looked away as a blush crested my cheeks at the memory of that night.

He must have woken up just after I left the room. Taking in his frame as he tended to our daughter was like a punch to the solar plexus.

He was just as good looking today as he was five years ago when he claimed me as his own. I looked away quickly, out of fear he would catch me checking him out.

“Daddy, are you going to school with me?” Avery sang out from her perch in Lenny’s arms as she helped him carry her bowl to the sink.

“Not today, Princess. Daddy had to go to work.” He replied glancing up at me.

Our eyes met. It was then that I noticed his aviator sunglasses were perched on the top of his head. Glancing down I noticed the black Chucks on his feet. He was dressed to go out. Bile burned at the back of my throat.

“Are you going away for a long time again?” Avery asked her voice sounding so small and frail as she clung to his neck, her arms wrapped tightly around him.

My throat closed up, as I choked back the tears threatening to fall.

Lenny was leaving and it was all my fault. I never wanted my little girl to feel the heartache of saying goodbye to a parent. But wasn’t that what I had done by telling Lenny to leave? Was I not guilty of the same thing I blamed his music for?

“Never, Princess. I have to go on a small trip. But I’ll be back soon. I promise to be home in time to tuck you into bed. How’s that?” He promised pressing a kiss to her cheek.

Relief swamped me, thinning the air enough to breathe. I turned my back to the two afraid of what Lenny would see when he looked into my eyes. I wasn’t ready to face him. Not yet.

“Give me some sugar before I go. Remember, I’ll be home to tuck you into bed.” I listened as the two said goodbye to one another. Regret at my soul.