Chapter 26

Brooke

Thursday and today had gone better than I would have expected. Sure, it was a bit weird, bumping into Jake or Mark, glancing at them, and remembering what we’d done. But it was also a whole lot better than how things were before. Even though nothing had been decided yet, things were much more relaxed than before. Jake and Mark joked with each other, and ordered the whole office Chinese food—even Deidre, too. They’d invited me out tonight, but I’d turned them down. They’d been disappointed, but I’d made some excuse about girl time—an excuse I planned to make real.

I’d made four attempts at a text to send to Karly, before I decided on this.

‘Sleepover tonight?’

Once again, I badly needed her advice. The whole threesome thing had worked better than I’d hoped, but there were still a lot of things up in the air. Namely, whether Jake and Mark would actually agree to try out my proposal of being a three-person couple. And then there was this whole media thing. There was no way I could handle that being broadcast all over LA—what if my Mom found out?

I flicked to my Mom’s number, then decided against it. What was I going to tell her? Hey, I know this sounds crazy, but what would you think of me having two boyfriends at once? The proposition was ludicrous.

“Hell yeah, girl” Karly responded.

An hour later, she was at my door, a whole bag of food in hand.

“You have to tell me what happened!” she declared, as soon as she was inside.

I sighed, accepting her bag of food. It was heavier than it looked.

“Can we just eat and chat first, and then I tell you?” I asked.

Karly rolled her eyes.

“Sure, whatever. Though you’re going to have to help me with these cakes. I’m going to kill myself with cake overdose at this rate.”

As Karly extracted the two cakes out of the brown paper bag, my tummy did a turn. Those were some big-ass cakes. And nice too, with their luxurious vanilla and chocolate rippled icing. One even read, ‘Dearest Karly’ in elegant blue icing script, which I couldn’t help but crack up at.

“Wow, they really went all out.”

“Yeah, they must really like you or something,” Karly said, nudging me with a shit-eating grin.

We each took a cake, grabbing the biggest forks I had, and in no time we were digging in.

Just five minutes into the cake-fest, I spilled.

“Oh my God! You actually fucked both of them at the same time? That’s insane!” Karly cried.

“I know,” I said.

She flicked me with the back of her hand.

“Cut it out, Brooke. Stop pretending you’re ashamed because you think you’re supposed to be.”

I glared at her.

“But I am supposed to be. This isn’t normal—or natural.”

Karly shrugged. She went into the kitchen and returned with a bag of Doritos, which she immediately opened.

“So?” she said, “You can’t help how you feel. What would you rather have—a sad dull half-life? Or a full life where you get what you really want, with whoever you choose, in whatever way you like.”

I threw a bunch of Doritos in my mouth and tried to lose myself in the spicy nacho goodness.

“You make it sound so easy.”

Karly tossed some chips in her own mouth.

“That’s because things tend to be more obvious when you’re the outsider looking in.”

“I guess,” I said, “It just scares me, all of this. I mean, the bigger picture, the implications. What if they don’t agree to it? Worse, what if they do and we all end up breaking up anyway?”

Karly examined a half-broken Dorito in between her two neon pink fingernails.

“I dunno, what did you really lose then? I don’t know about you, but for me, the things I end up regretting are the things I didn’t do—not the things I tried.”

I nodded.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right. But even without that, what if the media gets wind of it and publishes a big expose? You know, ‘Hot Docs Share More than a Medical Practice’ or something stupid like that.”

Karly nodded, biting her cheesy lip.

“Yeah, or ‘Two Rich Doctor’s Team Up to Give Nurse Her Holiday Bonus!’ Ha!”

“Oh God, why did I start that? I knew better,” I said, only slightly horrified at our lame attempts at humor.

Seriously Brooke, I was actually just about to mention the media thing to you. Did you hear about the new MTV reality show ‘Throuples?’ It looks absolutely scandalous, I can’t wait!”

I groaned.

“Kar, I’m being serious. This is my real life we’re talking about here. Not some hyped-up reality show.”

“But actually,” she said, bouncing up and down on my couch, “Just imagine—the media picks up on your story, they interview you all and you end up getting cast on the show, making it go viral, naturally. Then, you’re rich and living happily ever after!”

She clapped her hands together, her eyes bright and shiny with dollar signs.

I grabbed the Dorito out of her hand and tossed it in my mouth.

“Yeah, sorry but I don’t think it works like that?”

Karly shrugged.

“Do what you want, hon, but I’d totally go for it.”

“You know me,” I said, “I don’t like attention and I don’t like drama. I don’t need to be rich, anyway. I’m happy with earning how much I do now.”

“Yeah, but think of the fabulous yacht parties we could have,” Karly said, flopping back onto my couch with a wistful sigh.

I tugged the Dorito bag out of her hands, and tossed another few chips in my mouth.

“If things work out with Jake and Mark—properly and not because of some reality show craziness—then maybe we could actually have a yacht party or two.”

“Yeah, whatever,” Karly said, “If it actually worked out, then you’ll be too busy being in l-o-v-e to have any kind of yacht party with little old me.”

“Oh please,” I said, flicking her on the arm, “You’re the one who goes MIA the first month you have a new boyfriend, remember?”

“Can you really blame me?” Karly said, “I’m just making up for the lack of sex in between boyfriends—I’m not like you—some magical sex-camel who can go months without it.”

“Oh shut-up,” I said, whacking her with a pillow from the couch.

“No, seriously though,” Karly said, “That’s how you need to pitch this to the hot docs. Get this, I’m a hot sex-camel and I can let you ride my humps—one hump for each of you—if you’re good.”

“You’re gross,” I said, giggling in spite of myself, “Remind me why I’m your friend.”

“Because you like me so much,” Karly said, grinning at me cheekily, “Just how you like the hot docs.”

Glaring at her in exasperation, we both broke out giggling again.

But after we’d stopped eating, the doubt and fear returned.

“I mean it, though, Karly. Did I ever tell you what Howlin did to me after I broke up with him that year you were away?”

Karly turned to me, her eyes wary, and her grin hanging awkwardly on her face.

“No,” she said, “you didn’t. But I heard rumors.”

I sighed, looking away. No way could I do this looking at her head-on like that, the pity already starting to appear on her angular features. The only way I could do it was like this, talking to the wall, as if I were alone.

“It was great while we were together,” I said, stalling for time, not wanting to get to the point where I can to actually say it, “I mean, he was great. Just romantic and fun and so, I don’t know, passionate. But then, he started getting all possessive, hanging around all the time, and getting jealous if he didn’t know where I was and what I was doing every minute. After a while, I had to break it off, things were just getting too crazy—this was a high school romance after all. That was when the real fun began.”

My sigh turned into a half-sob. Karly’s reassuring hand patted my back.

“You don’t have to tell me, Brooke, if you’re not comfortable.”

I exhaled in a whoosh, my whole body slumping into the couch.

“No, I have to, Karly. I have to tell someone. I’ve let it eat at me for way too long.”

I took a deep breath, and then continued, “Howlin started showing up at the places I went to, hounding me and yelling at me. He would call me all night until I blocked his number, then he just call from a different one. But that wasn’t the worst of it. The worst of it was—the pictures.”

Another gasping exhale. There, I’d said it. Now I just had to say the rest of it.

“They were jokey pictures we’d taken together. He’d say, ‘do this pose’ and I did it. We were both just drunk stupid kids. He told me there was no film in the camera, and like an idiot, I believed him. And that was the end of it, or so I thought. We never talked about it again. The only way I heard about it was through Patrick, a mutual friend. What he was doing. He was sending the pictures to everyone. I begged him to stop, to delete the pictures, but it was too late. The damage was done. I spent the rest of the school year in shame. My mom wanted to go to the principal, but I didn’t want to admit what had happened—I didn’t want even more people to know.”

Silence, as Karly’s comforting arms closed around me.

“Oh my God. Brooke, that’s terrible—that’s even worse than I thought. I’m so, so insanely sorry.”

“It’s okay,” I said, now sinking back into her arms, “It was horrible, but it’s over now.”

Karly held me like that, for a minute, as I reflected on what I’d just said.

“Except that’s not true, though,” I said, suddenly, “A year later, I thought I was over it—the whole horrible picture thing, but I wasn’t. Not really. I never trusted guys after that—not the ones I went on dates with, not the ones who pursued me, and not even the ones I slept with. Boyfriends were just a fun way to pass the time, never someone to be vulnerable with. And now, I guess, now that I think about it, I’m not sure I’m over it even now. It’s stupid, it’s been what—eleven years now? And still, this is the first time I’ve talked about it, and other than my mom, you’re the first person I’ve ever told. Whenever I think of it, I get this sick twist in my stomach. Like I’m hearing about it from Patrick for the first time—and seeing just what Howlin did to me.”

My eyes had been closed, but when I opened them, they were full of tears. Suddenly, I knew exactly why I’d mentioned this to Karly now. Why it was coming up now of all times.

“I guess I’m afraid. Afraid that it’s no coincidence that I’m finding myself vulnerable for the first time in over ten years—with two men instead of one. What if this is my subconscious way of protecting myself again—by having two men—so that if one screws me over, at least I still have another one? What if Howlin really did fuck me up permanently, and now I’m doomed to forever pay the price, always wanting what’s not possible and right?”

Silence. Karly’s hand ran up and down my back in a slow, comforting motion.

“Brooke, I don’t know what to say. Does it matter the why of what you want? I don’t know. Maybe the Howlin thing is part of it, or maybe you would’ve wanted this no matter what. Maybe this is more normal than the way things are, only people don’t admit or give into it because it’s too hard. Because it can’t be easy—relationships are hard between two people, let alone three. I don’t think you should shy away from this just because it isn’t the norm, or you’re afraid it’s not for the right reasons. You haven’t even given it a real go yet. Do you really want to wonder about it for the rest of your life? You can’t control whether Jake and Mark agree to it, but you can control your choice. Whether you face what you both want and fear the most head-on; or choose to run away from it, just like you said you’ve been running away from being vulnerable with men all this time?”

I turned to gape at Karly.

“Whoa, Dr. Karly. Where did this all come from?”

Her face fell.

“Sorry, was that a bit much? I’ve been brushing up on my relationship manuals to make sure I don’t drive away Liam by being a psycho bitch.” She shot me a cheery and eager smile, “Is it working?”

Wiping away the tears on my face, I smiled.

“Hell yeah, it’s working. You should get your own show or something.”

She grinned.

“Good, then shut it for another minute okay?”

Smiling, I turned back around and Karly kept on talking. “It’s not right to dismiss parts of yourself you don’t like, while refusing to look at them. If you really think you have issues trusting men and think that this could be your way of dealing with it, then the only way to see for certain—or fix your trust issues—is to face it head-on. Walk into what you’re being drawn to. If this wasn’t right for you, do you really think these two incredibly attractive, wonderful and devoted men would show up, just for you to go for it and make a big mistake? I don’t think so.

In the end, it’s up to you to decide what kind of life you want to live. One where you shy away from anything that makes you uncomfortable; or one where you face your fears head-on, and allow yourself to enjoy what’s been brought to you. Howlin’s taken enough from you already, don’t let him take this away, too.”

Once again, I turned to Karly with an awed expression.

“You—you’re amazing,” I fell silent.

It didn’t seem like there were words that could possibly express how grateful and calmed I was feeling now. Karly had addressed each of my concerns—even the ones I didn’t fully realize I had. Sure, I’d still been following my feelings and going after Mark and Jake. But I’d done it all with a dark sense of foreboding. That this could never work out, and shouldn’t. And now? Now I felt light, and free. It wasn’t up to me whether this would work out. Nor was it my place to reject these budding relationships, just because they didn’t fit into the stereotypical picture-perfect nuclear family model I’d been raised with. So what if this was because I’d been fucked over when I was a teenager by the first guy I really cared for? The only way to find out if being a throuple with Mark and Jake would work would be to give it a try.

“You look deep in thought—or half asleep. Want to go to bed?” Karly asked, smiling shyly.

I hugged her again.

“Thank you so much. You said just what I needed to hear. You really are the greatest friend I ever could have asked for.”

She giggled.

“Oh stop, you know I’m just using you for the cake.”

We giggled, each of us taking a hearty forkful of cake. After we clinked forks, we dug in.

“To my best friend,” I said, grinning.

“To my best friend,” she said, “Who is going to be totally fine with her two boyfriends.”

Giggling, we ate our final piece and happily went to bed.

That night I fell asleep to more of the same thoughts running through my head. While Karly snored happily away, I worried about Jake and Mark, and what tomorrow would bring. Sure, after Karly had delivered her eloquent advice, I’d felt confident. But Jake and Mark still hadn’t agreed to it. It didn’t make one whit of difference of I was completely accepting of the situation myself, if they didn’t agree. No, just as easily as tonight I’d opened myself up to what I truly wanted, tomorrow, I could lose it just as quickly.