Spending the night in a hotel was fun and even a nice little reprieve from the real world when you were on vacation. But enduring a night in a hotel room after you’d watched—well, mostly heard—your boyfriend bang a coworker on his television, inside his apartment, with God knows how many other viewers? Yeah, that experience was fucking awful.
I’d spent most of the night tossing and turning, and when I’d finally managed to fall asleep, my dreams consisted of weird mashups of what I’d witnessed on The Doctor Is In.
My mind had played some seriously evil tricks on me, and I’d found myself wide awake and ready to escape the nightmares that hotel bed had brought before my alarm went off.
Which explained why, for once in my always tardy life, I was on time to work.
Groggy-eyed and numb from experiencing too many emotions in a twelve-hour period, I shuffled into the office after I’d made a quick stop at my parents’ apartment for fresh scrubs and a trip to Starbucks for a coffee with three shots of espresso.
Considering my dog-tired state, I’d contemplated four shots, but I honestly wasn’t sure if my heart could manage any additional stress. It’d already taken quite the fucking beating last night.
Once I set my stuff in my locker, I did my best to focus my brainpower on getting the office ready for a full day’s worth of appointments. But as I set up each exam room with fresh paper and medical supplies, I couldn’t stop my racing thoughts. I couldn’t stop thinking about that episode. I couldn’t stop hearing the sounds Will had made behind the on-call room door. I couldn’t stop remembering how easily he’d lied to me. “Never,” he’d said, and God had those words flowed off his tongue without any hesitation.
By the time the clock struck 9 a.m., and the rest of the staff—besides Will—had filled the office, I wasn’t sure how much longer I could keep my composure. I wasn’t sure how much longer I could physically stay at work. Hell, I wasn’t even sure if I could successfully do my job—a job that I technically didn’t even really want to do anymore. For the past month or so, I’d been struggling over the fact that I knew my passion wasn’t working in a medical office. Sure, I enjoyed it, I loved taking care of women during pregnancy, but deep down, I wanted to make it so that all of my time was focused on those women who really needed assistance and advice and someone to support them. Women like Carmen and Syreeta and Bethany and…yeah, it was truly an endless list, and that was only in New York. But I’d stayed for Will. I loved seeing him all day long, watching him in action and thriving underneath his steady assurance.
Well, that’s well and truly fucked now, isn’t it?
No, really. Isn’t it? Someone help me out here. I fucking hate feeling like this.
Unfortunately for me, I didn’t have a chance to find a way out of my internal hell.
Will walked through the reception doors with his briefcase in his hand while I was working on a computer in the hall, and the instant his reserved blue eyes met mine, a rush of emotions hit me all at once. Anger. Sadness. Heartbreak. I felt like the floor had dropped out from beneath me.
God, just the mere sight of him hurts like a knife to my already mangled heart.
Quickly, I averted my eyes and tried to switch my focus back toward the computer screen in front of me, but he didn’t give me a reprieve. Out of my periphery, I watched as his feet moved in my direction, until they stopped directly beside me.
“Mel?” he asked quietly, concern etching his voice.
“Yeah?” I responded, but I couldn’t find the strength to meet his eyes.
“I missed you last night,” he whispered.
“Sorry,” I muttered and racked my brain for a quick excuse to end this conversation before I started to sob in the middle of the hallway. “I was busy…with…uh…with helping Janet…” I lied. “Yeah…I was busy with Janet until late last night.”
“Shit. Is she okay?”
“Uh-huh. She’s fine.”
I knew it was my fault, that’d I’d been the one to avoid him last night, but I really didn’t want to have this scene out at work.
“Mel,” he said, and his voice dropped to anxious. “What’s going on?”
“Nothing,” I lied and started to type out the rest of my nursing note into a patient chart. “Just busy trying to finish up charting on a follow-up call.”
He placed his hands on top of mine, stopping my typing progress. “Can you take a quick break from that and come to my office?”
I glanced up from the computer screen and met his gaze.
“Please?” he asked and with the way his blue eyes had turned pleading, I couldn’t not give in to his request.
I nodded, and silently, I followed his lead down the hall and inside his office.
He shut the door with a quiet click and set his briefcase beside his desk. Wordlessly, he stared across the room, into my eyes, with worry creasing his brow.
“What’s going on, Mel?” he asked, and I shrugged.
“Nothing.”
Everything.
I can’t get the sounds of hearing you sleep with Emily out of my head. I can’t stop thinking about the fact that you carelessly left me in the dark about what happened during the filming of the show. I can’t stop wondering if there is more to the story on why you didn’t want to tell the office about our relationship. I can’t stop replaying and thinking about your lie over and over and over again.
I fear that I gave my heart to someone who, despite his best efforts not to, will crush it.
And that was the real crux of the issue. Despite all of his trespasses, I really did believe that Will thought I was the best thing for him. I just didn’t know if he was the best thing for me.
“Talk to me,” he urged, and his brow furrowed deeper when I gave him no response. “Melody,” he said, and his long strides quickly closed the space between us. He pulled me into his arms and hugged me tight to his chest. “Please, tell me what’s wrong.”
I didn’t react. I couldn’t react. I just stood inside his embrace with my back stiff and my arms hanging limply at my sides.
“Just give me something…anything…” he whispered. “You’re scaring me.”
You’re going to break my fucking heart!
“I can’t do this,” I blurted out, and Will stared down at me with wide eyes.
“What?”
I shrugged out of his arms and put some much-needed distance between us. “I can’t do this,” I repeated and gestured between the two of us with an impatient hand. “I can’t do us.”
“You don’t want to be with me?”
“It’s not like that.” I want to be with you too much. It makes me want to give up everything else I’ve ever wanted.
“Then what is it like, exactly?”
“I don’t think you’re ready for a long-term relationship, Will,” I explained, and his eyes squinted in confusion. “I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t fall into the same trap I did with Eli.”
That was bullshit even to my own ears, but I went with it—to protect myself from him and to protect him from the mess inside my head.
His jaw dropped wide open, and a hint of anger tinged his already tired voice. “I’m not Eli.”
“I know you’re not, but—”
“But what?” he questioned in irritation. “You know I’m not him, but you’re using your ex-boyfriend’s fuck-ups against me anyway?”
Everything I’d been working so hard to contain bubbled up and boiled over.
“No,” I said in a hostile tone. “I’m using your fuck-ups against you.”
Outrage covered his face. “When did I fuck up?”
“I saw the episode, Will,” I enlightened, and his back stiffened. “You know, the one where you and Emily stepped into the call room for a little afternoon delight.”
“No, actually,” he smarted. “I don’t know. You know I’ve never had any fucking clue what they’re going to air on the show or when they’re going to air it.”
“That’s not why it upset me, Will!” I shouted back. “You had more than enough opportunity to be open and honest with me about what happened during filming,” I said through gritted teeth. “But even after I’d told you that it was making me really uncomfortable to have to watch you flirt with nurses on the show and witness the parade of flirtatious patients stroll in the office, you never told me you slept with one.” I paused, a horrifying thought occurring to me. “Or more.”
“Jesus,” he muttered. “I don’t give a fuck about anyone but you. Can’t you see that? Can’t you see that I’m in love with you?” he asked and ran a frustrated hand through his hair. “I don’t want anyone else but you, Melody. You’re all I care about.”
“Your actions speak louder than your words, Will.”
“What in the hell do you mean by that?”
“If you cared about me so much, you would’ve acknowledged my feelings, and you would’ve made damn sure that I knew what happened during filming. You wouldn’t have left me in the dark and let me get railroaded by it. I had to watch you…” Tears clogged my throat as I remembered it. “…on your fucking television, have sex with someone else. I had to hear it. Your moans. Her moans. All of it.”
“God,” he whispered, clearly tortured by the sound of my voice. “I’m so sorry, Mel. That’s…” He paused, seemingly at a loss for words, and I answered for him.
“Fucking awful,” I answered for him.
“But, Mel, I didn’t know they filmed it. Of course I would have told you—”
“And you know what’s even worse?” I asked, cutting off words I knew were an outright lie. “What’s worse is when watching someone like that is how you find out that the one person you love can lie so fucking easily.”
“What? When did I lie? What are you talking about?”
“Patient exam room six, Will,” I explained, but he still didn’t understand. “You know, that day you’d pulled me inside that empty room to have sex. The day you’d told me that you’d never done something like that at work. Do you remember that day, Will? I know I can’t get it out of my fucking head.” I mocked his words by lowering my voice into a poor example of his own. “Never.”
He stared back at me with a plethora of emotions in his eyes. Sadness. Apology. Fear.
But I couldn’t find an ounce of sympathy for him in that moment.
“A relationship needs honesty,” I said, and he started to interject. But I held my hand in the air and continued. “I’m sorry, Will. I just can’t do it. I can’t be in a relationship with you.”
In that moment, I wasn’t sure what hurt more, Will breaking my heart or my having to end things with a man I’d honestly thought I would spend the rest of my life with.
“So…that’s it?” he questioned and stared at me with an ocean full of hurt in his eyes. “You’re just walking away without giving me a chance to explain? You’re just giving up?”
I’m not giving up. I’m saving myself.
I had been able to leave my relationship with Eli unscathed. But I felt like if I stayed with Will, I was playing Russian roulette with my heart. And I knew he had the power to hurt me past the point of no return.
“I’m sorry, Will,” I repeated, and before I could talk myself out of my next decision, I added, “Today will be my last day at work. Consider this my official resignation.”
A shocked gasp left his lips, and I couldn’t find the strength to meet his eyes.
Instead, without another word, I kept my head angled toward the ground and left his office.
And fifteen minutes later, I was sitting on the subway, heading home to my parents’ apartment, jobless, Will-less, and feeling more lost than I’d ever felt in my entire life.