“Hi,” I started to greet, but I had to glance down at the chart in my hand in search of the patient’s name. “Elise,” I finished and gestured her into the exam room. “I’m Melody, Dr. Cummings’s nurse. I’ll be assisting him with your checkup today.”
“Oh, I don’t think an assistant is necessary for my appointment,” she said and sashayed into the exam room on her black stilettos. “It’s just a yearly pap smear. I’ve done them, like, a thousand times.”
I internally called bullshit. This woman didn’t look a day over thirty. One thousand pap smears was either a gross exaggeration, or her prior OB/GYN was giving out pap smears like condoms at the free clinic.
“It’s actually our new policy,” I corrected and moved toward the cabinet and started to set out the needed sterile supplies on the counter. “Moving forward, all of our physicians have a nurse with them during exams to ensure patients are comfortable and the physicians have all of the assistance they might need.”
Also, now that I was officially dating Will, having a chaperone in the room with this woman was my policy. She looked like she was ripe for more than a pelvic exam.
We hadn’t told our coworkers about our current dating status yet, and considering who they were, I honestly didn’t know if I’d ever want to, but things had finally settled.
Two weeks after the Eli Incident, as we were now calling it, and things between Will and me had maintained a steady pace of getting to know each other in all the ways that included the ah-mazing, toe-curling sex that occurred when we were together.
Ironically enough, my ex-boyfriend randomly showing up at my place of employment had actually done us a little favor. If I hadn’t been forced to confront Will directly, if I hadn’t seen the look on his face as I blew off our night together as if it was no big deal, I don’t think I ever would have gotten around to facing my feelings.
I wasn’t making wedding plans or anything, but I didn’t have any doubts Will liked me. In fact, he told me he did.
I guess you could say he was my boyfriend. Which shouldn’t come as a surprise, I mean, he’d made me a tongue-depressor bouquet and told me it wasn’t hard to remember when I said something, for shit’s sake. I wasn’t one hundred percent emotionally available, but I wasn’t an idiot either. When the object of most women’s fantasies spends his time making you a bouquet of affirmations, you fucking date him. Period. Consequences pending until later.
“We can just ignore the policy. I won’t mind,” Elise added suggestively. I rolled my eyes before turning back toward the exam table to get her vitals.
Much to my dismay, Elise had already made herself comfortable—actually, a little too comfortable. Without removing her clothes or putting on a patient gown, she’d hopped up onto the table and placed her feet—still clad in stilettos—into the stirrups. Her panty-less crotch was on display for anyone and everyone to see. If I weren’t certain I was at my job, in a physician’s medical office, I would’ve thought someone had teleported me on to the set of Cocktor Pound, a B-rated porno. Any second the male lead, John E. Deep’s boner would have been popping in for its onscreen debut.
Holy moly, what is going on here?
“Knock, knock,” Will said as he opened the door. “All se—” he started to say, but once his eyes made contact with Elise’s crotch, he quickly averted his eyes. “Uh…I’ll give you another minute or two,” he muttered and glanced at me with wide eyes. “Melody, I’ll be in my office. Just come get me once the patient’s ready.”
“Oh, but I am ready, Dr. Cummings,” Elise purred, but Will continued his path, straight toward the hallway with the door firmly shut behind him.
The patient sighed in frustration, but I found myself smirking. It wasn’t every day you got enjoyment out of watching your boyfriend get flashed with a crotch shot from another woman. But with the way he’d reacted, I couldn’t help but smile.
Luckily, Elise seemed to get the picture too—if only temporarily—and took her heels out of the stirrups and sat up straight on the table, legs crossed and hiding what I’d decided to nickname The Beave.
“I’m just going to check your vitals and ask you a few questions, and then we’ll be ready for your exam.”
“Whatever,” she muttered, put out with me. She was put out with me.
Wow. You’re kind of a bitch, I thought to myself, but somehow, I managed to school my face into a neutral expression and move along with the appointment. The sooner I got her assessed and examined, the sooner her stiletto and miniskirt wearing ass would be out the door.
But seriously, who dressed like that for a doctor’s appointment?
Especially one where you were going to get a pap smear.
The last time I’d had a pap, I’d worn yoga pants, a sweat shirt, and Converse. The idea of a physician sticking his hand and a speculum up my hoo-hah had never been a situation that made me feel like getting dressed up like a hooker on a Friday night.
Either pap smears made Elise horny, or Dr. Will Cummings—my Will—made her horny.
I had a feeling it was the latter, but self-preservation and jealousy I didn’t expect made me cut that thought off at the knees.
“When was your last period?” I asked and pulled up her medical file on the computer in the room.
“Two fucking weeks ago,” she responded in a frustrated tone.
Yeah, I take that back. You’re actually a total bitch. Not just a little bit, but full-on bitch.
“And how long did it last?” I questioned in my sweetest voice.
“I dunno,” she said with a sigh. “Like…five days or something.”
“Do your periods generally come every twenty-eight to thirty days?”
Do you know that you’re a total bitch?
“Yes.”
“Are you sexually active?”
Are you pretty much the worst person ever?
“Obviously,” she answered with another eye roll. HA! Walked right into that one, didn’t you?
“When was your last pap smear?”
When was the last time your brain had an intelligent thought?
“Like, a year ago, I think.”
I continued the assessment, asking questions and getting bitchy—but quite humorously perfect to my own imaginary line of questioning—responses, and checked her vitals before grabbing the chart and moving toward the door. “Are there any medical conditions Dr. Cummings should be aware of before the exam begins?”
“I have a very, very tight pussy,” she replied as if it was the most normal thing in the world.
It’d been a while since I’d been in nursing school, but I didn’t recall “a very, very tight pussy” being a diagnosis question on the NCLEX.
“All righty, then,” I responded, just stopping myself from losing my mind, and opened the door. “Go ahead and remove your clothes from the waist down and put on the paper gown. Once you’re comfortable and appropriately covered on the exam table, Dr. Cummings will be in to do your exam.”
“About fucking time,” she muttered and hopped off the table.
I shut the door behind me, and before I moved down the currently empty hall to get Will, I turned back toward the closed exam room and gave Elise the middle finger. I knew it wasn’t the most professional thing I’d ever done, but holy hell, that chick was a piece of work, and it wasn’t the good kind. If she were a painting in a museum, she definitely wouldn’t be a Monet. No. She’d be that weird piece of art like pictures of toenail clippings or a mummified dog sculpture made out of papier-mâché and cow manure that no one could ever wrap their brain around its actual meaning.
“She’s that fantastic, huh?” Will said quietly into my ear, and I jumped.
“Jesus,” I muttered with a hand to my chest. “You scared the hell out of me.”
He just smirked in response and rested his elbow against the doorway.
“How long have you been standing here?” I whispered, and his smirk grew wider.
“Long enough to see you flip off the door for a good ten seconds.”
“The hallway was empty ten seconds ago,” I said in annoyance and moved toward the small alcove beside the exam room to finish putting Elise’s assessment into her medical chart. “It’s like you appeared out of thin air.”
“It wasn’t empty,” he corrected and followed me, making himself comfortable in the chair beside mine. “You were just too intent on giving that patient the bird.”
“Yeah, well, she deserved it,” I added and typed her vitals into the computer.
“Excuse me,” Elise called out from behind the closed door. “Nurse Lyric? I’m ready for Dr. Cummings now.”
Nurse Lyric? Really?
At least it sounds better than Load-y…
Will groaned, and I grinned at his anguish. Somehow watching him suffer so adorably made me feel better.
“She seems real excited to see you.”
“Jesus,” he muttered.
“And she would also like you to know about her medical condition.”
“Medical condition?”
“Yeah,” I answered, swallowing my urge to smile. “When I asked her if she had any current medical conditions that you needed to be aware of, she said, and I’m repeating this word for word…I have a very, very tight pussy.”
His jaw dropped, and his eyes narrowed. “Are you fucking with me right now?”
“Nope,” I said with a little to pop to the p.
“And she’s a huge fan of your show,” I added. “She wanted you to know that as well.”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake.”
I smiled and hopped out of my seat with Elise’s chart in hand. “C’mon, Dr. Obscene. We’ve got a patient waiting on you.”
“For the love of God, never call me that again.”
I just giggled in response and knocked on the exam room door. “All set?”
“Yes.”
I opened the door and found that Elise had managed to put on the paper gown but appeared intent on airing out her vagina while her feet were perched in the stirrups.
“Oh God,” Will muttered to himself as we both entered the room.
“Hi, Dr. Cummings,” Elise purred with a provocative smile. “I’m Elise,” she greeted with her hand held out in his direction. “Elise Allen.”
Will shook her hand while simultaneously avoiding the giant beaver in the room. “It’s, uh…it’s nice to meet you.”
“Oh, believe me,” the patient continued, “the pleasure is all mine.”
Boy, this chick was laying it on thick.
“Melody, could you place another gown over Mrs. Allen’s legs?” Will asked, and I nodded. You bet I can.
“Oh, I don’t mind,” Elise started to chime in, but I ignored her, haphazardly tossing another paper gown over her legs. She flashed a glare in my direction, but I chose to ignore that, too.
“Dr. Cummings?” Elise questioned as Will sat down on his rolling stool and started to put on a pair of sterile gloves.
“Yes?”
“It’s Ms. Allen,” she corrected with a wink. “I’m newly divorced.”
Will just nodded in response and set his focus on setting up his sterile instruments. “So, we’re just here for your yearly pap smear, is that correct, Ms. Allen?”
“Please, call me Elise, and yes, just a yearly pap smear.”
“You’re just going to feel a little pressure as I insert the speculum,” he instructed and started the exam. “Now, I’m going to swab your cer—” He paused midsentence with a perplexing look etched on his face. Two seconds later, after grabbing for an instrument that looked a hell of a lot like oversized tweezers, Will pulled a small piece of laminated paper out of the patient’s vagina. He set it down on the metal table and just stared at it, his face equal parts shocked and horrified. He looked so cute, a little wrinkle between his eyes, but I’d never seen him make that face before.
Morbid curiosity got the best of me, and I moved toward his side to read the wording written across the laminated paper.
212-555-1111
<3 Elise Allen <3
A gasp left my lips before I could stop it, and Will looked in my direction.
Not only had the patient dressed up like a hooker and not worn underwear to her appointment, even flashed The Beave to him before the appointment had gotten started, she’d also come to the fucking appointment with her phone number inside of her vagina.
Inside of her vagina, people.
What in the ever-loving fuck was this?
And quite frankly, wouldn’t a piece of laminated paper inside your hoo-hah hurt?
Elise sat up on her elbows and smiled down at Will. “I’m a huge fan of your show, Dr. Cummings,” she purred, and I had the irrational urge to vomit. “I’d love for you to call me sometime.”
On top of the irrational urge to vomit, I felt like sprinting out of the exam room. I didn’t want to be anywhere near Elise, or Will for that matter, as jealously turned to alarm.
Was this the kind of shit I would be dealing with all the time?
I wasn’t sure if I could handle a relationship like this. Women weren’t just visibly flirting with him during appointments, now they were using their actual vaginas as wingmen to hand out their phone numbers.
What else was next?
Holy hell, I didn’t even want to think about that. Women were crafty. And horny women were crafty and determined. I wasn’t sure I could handle all of this. Will wasn’t exactly a normal guy anymore after the show. He wasn’t just a successful physician. He was more than that now. Women all over the country, hell, probably even the world, knew him.
And they knew him as Dr. Obscene.
That nickname didn’t exactly discourage vaginas stuffed with phone numbers.
I couldn’t stop myself from wondering, Is it really a good idea for me to be involved with Will?