Janie
After my night with Travis, time seemed to go by at a snail’s pace. Every day at work, the hours would crawl by. Sometimes I’d stare at the clock for an eternity, but the hands would never move. I was always eager for my shift to be over, hoping to catch a glimpse of him in the hallway but it never happened.
It was like the man had vanished off the face of the planet.
A month went by with no word from him, tick tock, tock tock.
Had something happened?
No, he was probably just busy or something. He was a doctor after all, and they’re constantly on the move.
Still I held onto the hope that I’d bump into him but as one month turned into two, I was starting to lose faith. My mood darkened, and I spent more and more time cooped up in my apartment staring at the walls.
One such day, there was a knock on the door. My heart fluttered with excitement. Could it be him? Quickly, I jumped to my feet, about to run and answer the door before skidding to a halt, catching my reflection in the mirror. In an almost panicked state, my hands patted down the rat’s nest on my head while simultaneously smoothing out the creases in my pajamas. I looked like a mess. In fact, I was a mess, but that didn’t mean I wanted Travis to see me like this…
Knock. Knock.
“Janie. I know you’re in there,” called someone. “Answer the door, will you?”
My shoulders sagged in disappointment the second I realized it was Mandy. “Coming,” came my voice, dragging my feet as I headed for the door.
God. I didn’t have the patience to deal with her right now, but as the door opened, a wan smile crossed my face.
“How’s it going?” was my weak voice.
Not hesitating a beat, Vanessa pranced inside, and as always, made herself right at home. My buddy plopped onto the couch and kicked up her feet, smacking some chewing gum loudly.
“Whatcha watching?” she asked, remote in hand.
“Nothing, really,” I sighed.
“Do you want to watch a movie?”
“Um,” I hedged.
“Don’t even try to tell me you have plans. I know you’ve been staying at home, binge eating Oreos ever since Travis ghosted you,” she said easily, eyes still on the TV.
“He didn’t ghost me.” I protested. “He’s just busy…”
This time, her gaze swung my way, penetrating yet kind.
“For two whole months? Babe, that seems unlikely.” The blonde sat up, looking me square in the face. “I know it’s hard to face reality but it’s obvious what happened.”
“Mandy please, I don’t want to have this conversation right now.”
“Well, you can’t keep avoiding it. You’ll never get over him.”
I bit my lip. The truth was I knew what my friend was saying was true, I just didn’t want to admit it to myself. Why else would Travis avoid me all this time? But there had to be a reason. He wouldn’t just do that to me, would he? When we were together, he’d looked at me like I was the only girl in the world. He’d told me that I was gorgeous and beautiful. That had to mean something.
“Look, it’s happened to me before too. It’s happened to everyone, because frankly, it’s the oldest trick in the book,” Mandy said kindly. “A guy does everything to get you in his bed. He acts like the perfect gentleman. He warms you up with a couple of drinks. He says some sweet nothings that get you hooked and then he reels you in. It’s a horrible, horrible game and I’m sorry you had to become a part of it. You, of all people, don’t deserve it,” she said, placing a hand on my shoulder. “But who needs this Dr. Travis person anyways? I’m sure you could find someone a thousand times better if you really tried.”
I sat in silence, mulling over her words. My heart ached at the thought that maybe it was true. I had just been the objective of some guy’s petty games. Travis had won and now I wasn’t even on his radar.
No.
I just couldn’t accept that. I wouldn’t accept it.
There was something real between us, and I’d felt it that night. It couldn’t have just been a pointless one-night stand.
“But, you know what?” chattered my friend. “Forget him. Tonight it’ll just be us girls. What do you say?”
There was a silence as I battled the painful lump in my throat.
“Sure,” was my fake happy reply. I forced a smile on my face, trying to convince her that I was okay even though it felt like my heart was breaking into a million pieces.
“Babe.” She held me by the shoulders. “You can’t fool me with that smile. You know, if you need to cry or something, I’m here for you.”
“Thanks, Mandy, but I’m okay,” I whispered. “Really.”
She pressed her lips together unconvinced, eyeing me closely. “You don’t have to act tough. I know how hard it can be to get your heart broken by a crush.”
I swallowed again, eyes a little watery.
“I’m fine. Let’s just watch a movie.”
Mandy continued to stare at me for a while, biting her lip. “Okay,” she relented. “What are you in the mood for?”
A movie? That was the last thing on my mind.
“Anything. It doesn’t matter to me.”
“Alright,” my buddy said, taking control. “How about something funny? That should lift our spirits a bit.”
“Sure.”
As she flicked through our options, I couldn’t stop thinking about everything the blonde said. For the past two months, I’d been ignoring the obvious. Travis didn’t want me, that was clear as day. I just didn’t want to admit that he’d used me for sex, but now it all made sense.
How had I been such a fool?
“Mandy, shouldn’t you be out on the town or something?” I said abruptly. “Why are you here watching a movie? Weren’t you dating that guy Brett or something?”
“Are you trying to get rid of me?” she asked suspiciously. “And no, his name was Brent, not Brett. We broke things off two weeks ago.”
I smiled wanly.
“Well, don’t you have more fun things to do?”
She sighed.
“No, in fact I don’t. I’m here to check on my best friend who’s been holed up in her apartment for months on end now. And babe, you look terrible. What happened to getting your hair done? Your nails? At least change out of your PJs.”
I had to laugh a little, looking down at myself. The fuzzy fabric was light blue with pictures of cuddly sheep, and Mandy was right. I looked ridiculous, if not pathetic.
But my friend got up then.
“I’m just concerned about you, okay? I get it if you need some space, but please, please, please come out with us next week sometime. It’ll be fun,” she pleaded.
I rolled my eyes, a smile creeping at the corners of my lips.
“Okay,” I promised. “Will do. Keep me in the loop.”
“Great!” my friend bounced up, movie forgotten. “I’ll leave you in peace, but Janie. Those pajamas. You’ve got to change.”
And with that, the blonde breezed out the door with another “toodle-oo!” leaving me in peace. The apartment was strangely silent once the whirlwind had passed, and I sank back down onto the couch, form limp. Because I wanted to move on. I wanted to accept what had happened and chart a new course for my mind’s eye. But unbidden, an image of Travis filled my mind, that tousled hair as black as ink, those blue eyes penetrating. A wave of sadness swept over my form again … and I lay back on the couch, sinking into nothingness.
***
I stayed on the couch for a long time in silence, hugging my knees to my chest. Whenever my eyes closed, I pictured Travis with his beautiful, smiling face.
Why had he done this to me?
I just didn’t get it.
Determined to get to the bottom of all this, I took a deep breath. There was one way to attack this problem head on, and I’d been dilly-dallying, trying to avoid causing waves. But you know what? This pain was too much. No one deserved this kind of agony for months on end. So straightening my pajamas, I got up resolutely, walking with determined steps to my front door. My hand grabbed the doorknob firmly, wrenching it open, and I stepped into the hallway.
Okay, halfway there. Taking a deep breath, I forced myself forwards and crossed the hall to his door, rapping with my knuckles in what I hoped was an assertive manner.
Knock, knock, knock.
Oh god, that was loud. It came out a little harder than I intended to. In the silence that followed, nerves bubbled up inside, making it hard to keep still. I bit my bottom lip in worry, waiting for him to answer the door. Because what would I say? What would he say? Would we fall into each other’s arms, or fight like cats and dogs?
But there was no answer. Slowly the seconds ticked by. Soon, they turned into minutes, me shifting my weight uneasily from foot to foot.
I knocked again. Shit, still no answer.
I guess no one was home. What was I supposed to do now?
Quickly, I turned on my heel and headed back to my apartment, determined to write him a note and slip it under his door when suddenly, a distinct buzzing noise interrupted my thoughts.
My head jerked up to see my cell vibrating on the coffee table. Oh damn. It was probably just Mandy again, checking up on me. With an exasperated huff, I reached for the phone, expecting to see Mandy’s avatar on the screen.
But instead, there was a notification from Period Tracker. Huh? Period Tracker is an app I installed years ago, but hardly ever use. It tells you when your periods are due, and buzzes if your period’s late. Fortunately, my period’s hardly ever late because I don’t exactly get around.
But this time, my brows furrowed as I tapped the screen with one fingers. A bright green bubble popped up.
Your period is two months late!
What? I blinked, thinking this was a sick joke.
Two months late? Was that possible? No. That couldn’t be right.
I probably just forgot to log my last period and the program was off-kilter as a result. But the more I thought about it, the more horrified I became. I hadn’t had my periods since, well… Travis.
No. It couldn’t be. Was I pregnant? My chin trembled, desperate to wake up from this nightmare. This couldn’t be happening. All my life, I’d played by the rules. This wasn’t supposed to happen to me.
My stomach churned, tying itself into a knot. Had Travis worn a condom that night? Of course he had, right? After all, the man is a doctor for crying out loud, responsible for peoples’ lives. He’s detail oriented, prescribing medications and analyzing diseases down to the atom. This one detail wouldn’t escape him would it? But the fact is that I couldn’t remember because that night was all a blur of frantic kisses and hot creaming that made me come.
Resolutely, I tossed on my coat and grabbed my keys. I had to make sure, and there was a simple way to find out.
In a matter of minutes, I was at the twenty-four hour pharmacy on my block. The clerk behind the counter greeted me with a snide smile while staring at my pajamas. I know, I know, I look like shit.
“Do you need help with anything?”
“No, I’m okay,” I mumbled under my breath, utterly embarrassed by my current situation.
If only I’d paid attention, I could have bought the morning after pill but instead, here I was with my period two months late, butterflies of apprehension flitting through my stomach.
I stopped, taking a deep breath before I could descend into a full-blown panic attack. When the episode passed, I continued in search of a pregnancy test. This couldn’t be happening. Wake up, wake up, said the voice in my head.
But this was all too real. I stumbled to the aisle marked family planning, but to my horror, someone else was there already. A girl who couldn’t have been a day over sixteen stood rooted in place, her eyes scanning the boxes and boxes of pregnancy tests.
We edged around each other, both of us trying to discreetly browse through the products without making it obvious. Finally, she broke the ice. “Looks like we’re in the same boat, huh?”
Taking a deep breath, I met her eyes. Again, this woman couldn’t have been over sixteen what with those freckles and bright blue eyes.
“Um yeah,” I hedged.
My new friend continued, eyes scanning the shelves once more.
“Don’t you love it how the guys have their fun and then leave us to clean up their mess?” She shook her head. “They’re never around for this shit.”
“Yeah,” I mumbled again. What else was I supposed to say in this situation?
“Can you believe the morning after pill is fifty dollars?” she complained.
“Really?” I was flabbergasted. I’d thought it was five bucks, considering how crucial Plan B could be.
“Yep,” the blonde nodded importantly. “Five hours of babysitting before I can afford one dose of that stuff.”
Oh wow, this girl really was young. Babysitting? I hadn’t done that since high school.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t know,” was my murmur.
She flashed me a grin.
“Consider yourself lucky,” she said, grabbing a pink-colored box off the shelf.
“Um, I feel really awkward asking this, but this is… um… my first time….” I took a deep breath. “Do you know which one of these is best to figure out if you’re pregnant?” the words came out in a rush. “I don’t mean that you’re more experienced than I am, it’s just that ….”
She laughed. “Don’t worry about it.” She handed me the box in her hand. “This brand has never failed me in the past. Try it.”
I blushed again, embarrassed.
“T-Thanks,” was my stutter, face aflame. Man, idiocy seemed to consume me whole.
“Good luck,” she said with a slight smile. “Hopefully, you’ll be one of the fortunate ones.”
“What do you mean?” I asked, taken aback.
“Sometimes these things are just a misunderstanding,” she explained. “It’ll all blow over.”
But I didn’t quite understand what she was saying. Despite looking like she was about ten years old, there was something about her that made her seem wise beyond her years.
“Um okay, thanks. A misunderstanding.”
And shooting me another smile, the girl turned and strode down the aisle, leaving me with my precious cargo.
***
I hurried back to my apartment, locking myself in the bathroom. Sitting on the toilet, my fingers trembled on the box top, hesitating.
This couldn’t be happening. Why was I doing this alone?
The box felt heavy in my hands as regret started to make my heart heavy. If only I had controlled my lust, none of this would have happened.
Without a choice, I pulled out the pregnancy test, carefully reading the directions. It seemed easy. All I had to do was pee on the stick, and one or two blue lines would appear. Fortunately, I’d had some water before going to the drugstore, pulling my panties down.
But I waited for the results, time seemed to come to a stand still.
I kept waiting for something to happen but nothing did. An oppressive silence weighed down on my shoulders, making it hard to breathe.
Unable to keep still, I started to pace around my bathroom. Because what would happen if I was truly pregnant? Would Travis help me raise the baby or would I become a single mother, struggling to support her child?
My stomach tightened, threatening to make me sick. This couldn’t be happening. This was all a nightmare.
Suddenly, the alarm jolted me from my reveries, and my heart leapt in response, a sweat breaking out on my brow.
I stared at the sink where I had left the pregnancy test. This was it. The moment of truth. The air in my lungs froze, my limbs heavy. But I had to find out. Ever so slowly, I tiptoed forward, picking up the wand, fingers shaking.
Two blue lines stared at me, wavering before going straight again.
Positive. I was pregnant with the handsome doctor’s baby.