Chapter 17
Lionel stood outside of Rocky’s stall and studied the gelding. Generally, Rocky’s body didn’t reveal any visible scars, but the scars he did have were telling. The fact that he was so defensive of his stall indicated to Lionel that someone had abused him while he was in the stall. The abuse could take many forms, but whatever the abuser had done had left its mark on the gelding. The nature of the horse’s defense mechanisms— threatening to bite or kick anyone invading his space—indicated the abuse was severe. It took a monumental effort to suppress the rage that surged within him as he contemplated what some human must have done to this horse to cause this behavior. He, of all people, knew what damage abuse, both visible and invisible, could cause.
Lionel had known from a relatively early age that he was different from other boys. He had no interest in playing football or rugby but had a love of horses that transcended any other aspect of his life. In his early and mid-teens, he found himself being attracted to a couple of the other boys in his class, and was drawn to watching gay male pornography on his computer. Unfortunately, Lionel’s father had caught him watching online porn and erupted.
His father was a dockworker at the Shoreham Port in Brighton, and refused to accept that his son was gay. He frequently abused him in a cynical attempt to “toughen him up” which only drove Lionel further away. It was after one of these beatings that Lionel rode his bike to the Brighton race track, to be close to the horses and to escape his abusive home. It was his love of horses, and the miracle of love that horses brought to him in the guise of Nigel Crawford, that ultimately saved his life. Lionel knew from experience that first and foremost he needed to get past the rage, because if this sensitive animal sensed rage, he would react in fear, and that would ruin any efforts Lionel needed to make to gain Rocky’s trust.
As soon as he knew he would be working with Rocky, Lionel arranged with Michael’s barn staff that he be the only person to feed Rocky and the only person to clean his stall, and handle him for turn-out and the like. It was necessary that he build a relationship with the horse, and that the interactions he had with him would only be positive. He decided in Rocky’s case, that he would start by grooming the horse to find out exactly how difficult he would be to handle, and which parts of his body he was overly sensitive about. In this way, he might be able to deduce how exactly Rocky had been abused by his previous owners. It had now been two days since Lionel had taken over Rocky’s care, and he noticed that Rocky now perked up a bit when he saw Lionel, which was a major improvement. When Michael had first introduced Lionel to Rocky, the horse was practically non-responsive to anyone, and had no interest in the world outside of his stall.
Today, Lionel decided to try to take him out of his stall for the first time, and attempt to groom Rocky. Armed with some apple slices and carrot pieces for rewards, Lionel approached Rocky, led him out of his stall down the aisle then out of the barn to Michael’s round pen, which was situated between the barn and the turnout pastures. Once in the round pen, Lionel removed the lead rope, and allowed Rocky free run of the round pen without any restraint. The gelding looked only marginally interested in his surroundings, but did look to Lionel as if to ask for permission to wander. Lionel stood completely still and allowed Rocky to decide for himself what he wanted to do. Eventually, Rocky’s innate curiosity overcame his fear, and he ambled slowly around the pen, sniffing the ground and the rails. Lionel smiled to himself. This was progress.
Lionel had left a tote with grooming tools in it near the round pen, so he went over and retrieved a curry comb and slowly approached Rocky speaking to him in low-pitched, soothing voice. Rocky looked at Lionel with some suspicion, but allowed Lionel to gradually apply the curry comb lightly all over his body, but moved away when Lionel tried to use the curry in his belly area. This indicated to Lionel that Rocky had most likely been whipped or kicked in the belly by an abuser, and was trying to protect that area from additional harm. Lionel slowly and gradually tried to move the curry to the more objectionable areas, rewarding Rocky with a carrot or apple when he allowed more freedom of movement, until all areas were covered. Lionel put away the curry and tried to cover the same area with a soft bristled brush and was successful, but ran into a new roadblock when he attempted to pick up Rocky’s feet for cleaning. Rocky’s reaction to that attempt was violent and fearful, and Lionel was forced to stop without making more progress. He closed their session with another pass of the brush over Rocky’s entire body and rewarded him with more treats, so that Rocky wouldn’t remember the negative reaction as his last experience in the round pen.
While Lionel worked with Rocky, Michael rode his prospects, then after he finished putting his last horse of the day in his stall, he found Jessica surreptitiously watching Lionel work. She signaled Michael to silence, and motioned to him to join her. It appeared that Lionel was just finishing his session, so Jessica turned to Michael, and the pair walked down the aisle toward the house.
“It looks like he’s making progress with Rocky,” Jessica said. “Does he have a lot of experience with abused horses?”
“Actually, he does,” Michael said. “Lionel makes his living rehabilitating off-the-track thoroughbreds for pleasure riding, either hunt, dressage, or eventing. He is very good at it. A few of the horses he gets from the race track have been abused. There are still some grooms and track staff that are intimidated by the horses, and the only way they know to counter their fear is to bully the horses and make the horses afraid of them. It’s a sad state of affairs, but unfortunately still occurs more than one would like, especially on the lower tier tracks.”
“How tragic,” Jessica responded. “I don’t have much experience with the race tracks in America, but my guess is that the same situation occurs there too.”
Michael nodded, then decided to change the subject to a more pleasant topic. “I thought I’d take you to dinner at my favorite pub in Guildford, The Golden Hart. Are you interested?”
Jessica smiled. “Sure. I’m game. What time do you want to leave?”
Just at that moment, Lionel called out to them from the barn. “Hey, you two. What are your plans for dinner? I’m starved.”
Michael and Jessica exchanged a pained look, but Michael turned around and called back, “We’re going to The Golden Hart. We’ll be leaving in an hour. Can you be ready?”
“Certainly,” Lionel responded. “Don’t leave without me.”
“Don’t tempt me,” Michael murmured under his breath, but loud enough for Jessica to hear. She smiled in response. She also would have liked to have a meal alone with Michael, since Lionel made certain to join them for breakfast, lunch, and dinner most days.
“Actually,” Lionel said, “I have to go back to my farm for a bit to check on things. Can I meet you at the restaurant?”
Michael smiled, then surreptitiously winked at Jessica. “Yes, of course. That would be fine. See you there.”
As the entered the Golden Hart, the hostess beamed at him. “Michael, it is so good to see you again.”
“Hello, Rachel,” he flashed her one of what Jessica called his “movie star smiles” at the woman, who blushed and hurried to find them a table.
“Rachel, eh?” Jessica whispered to him, feeling pangs of jealousy she couldn’t suppress.
“I’ve been coming here for dinner ever since I bought the yard. She’s worked here forever,” Michael said. He looked at Jessica curiously, not understanding why she sounded so annoyed. When Jessica took his hand in hers quite obviously, Michael finally understood, and grinned to himself. Recognizing Jessica’s sudden possessiveness as a sign of jealousy, he was tempted to tease her, but elected not to. Rachel might get the wrong idea, and he didn’t want two women mad at him. One was definitely enough.
“How is Ian?” Rachel asked.
“He’s doing all right, considering everything he’s been through lately.” Michael replied. He hoped Rachel would leave it at that. He didn’t want to get into any specifics with Rachel. The local community had supported them when the news of Ian’s arrest became public, but he wasn’t eager to share more details with the public at large.
“Tell him we’re thinking about him,” Rachel responded.
“I certainly will, and thank you,” Michael replied.
After Michael suggested some of his favorite items on the menu, the trio ordered their meals. After the waitress left them, there was a bit of an awkward silence. Jessica decided to make an attempt to break the ice.
“Lionel, I hope you don’t mind,” Jessica said, “but I watched you work with Rocky for a while today, and I was impressed with the progress you’ve made with him in just a few days.”
“Thank you, Jessica.” Lionel smiled. “Actually, Rocky seems to be a very willing pupil, and open to my attempts to connect with him. That tells me that the abuse he received was most likely short-lived, and that I can move to the next stage of re-training. I’ve decided to use Michael’s round pen to attempt Monty Roberts’ Join Up method of training.”
“Oh, yes. I’ve heard of that,” Jessica said. “I’ve actually seen Monty Roberts do a demonstration at the Ohio Equine Affaire a couple of years ago. He is very good.”
“Her Majesty the Queen is much taken with Mr. Roberts,” Lionel replied. “Nigel and I saw a demonstration he put on in London at the Queen’s invitation several years ago, and we decided to incorporate his methods in our training program. It seems to work wonders with all types of horses.”
“Who is Nigel?” Jessica asked.
Lionel suddenly looked stricken and avoided Jessica’s gaze, focusing instead on his hands tightly folded in front of him on the table.
When it became clear that Lionel wasn’t going to answer, Michael intervened. “Nigel was Lionel’s partner in his horse training business. I believe Nigel passed away less than a year ago.”
“Yes, that’s right, Michael.,” Lionel said. It was clear that he was still anguished over the loss.
“I’m so sorry, Lionel,” Jessica said. “I didn’t mean to remind you of your loss. Please forgive me.”
“It’s all right, Jessica,” Lionel attempted a reassuring smile. “You didn’t know. I’m trying to recover and go on as Nigel would have wanted, but I still sometimes have a hard time believing he’s really gone.”
At that moment, their server brought their food, and the three spent the rest of their time commenting on the quality of the food, and the pleasant atmosphere, all making a concerted effort to avoid any more depressing subjects.
On their way back from the restaurant, Jessica reflected on their conversation. She very much regretted causing Lionel to relive a painful memory when she asked him about Nigel.
Michael noticed that Jessica was staring out of the car window, but her focus was elsewhere. “What’s troubling you, Jess?”
She turned to look at him and smiled reassuringly. “It’s nothing, really,” Jessica replied. “I was just thinking about Lionel and Nigel. They must have been very close for Lionel to feel Nigel’s loss so strongly.”
“From what I saw of them together, they were. I wasn’t around Lionel when he and Nigel met, but what I know is that Nigel Crawford had a business rehabilitating race horses for pleasure riding, and he saw Lionel while on one of his buying trips to the track. Nigel noticed right away how good Lionel was with the most difficult horses, and he asked Lionel if he was interested in leaving the track to work for him. Lionel was eager to leave the track and accepted.
“From all accounts, Nigel was a good man, and loved Lionel very much. I know from seeing them together that Lionel returned that love. Lionel and Nigel lived happily together at Nigel’s farm in Hickstead, near the All England Jumping Course. Nigel had selected this location years before because many of the thoroughbreds Nigel re-trained were suitable for careers as hunter/jumpers.
“Nigel realized early in their working relationship that Lionel intuitively knew what each individual horse needed in the way of rehabilitation, and was highly successful in matching the horses he trained with the right riders so they could both be successful. Due in large part to Lionel’s talents, Nigel’s business thrived.
“Nigel also learned that Lionel was a very good rider. Although Lionel was a very good hunter/jumper rider, Nigel believed Lionel would excel most at dressage. Nigel encouraged Lionel to focus his riding and training in dressage. One of the thoroughbreds Lionel was training showed an incredible talent for dressage. He was a 5-year-old gelding named Accolade.
Lionel and Accolade were a perfect match, and Nigel noticed the affinity the pair had for each other. Accolade would do anything for Lionel, and Lionel’s talented riding brought out the gelding’s best. In appreciation for all that Lionel had done for him, Nigel gave Lionel Accolade for his own, and paid for him to compete at regional, and then national shows. Ultimately, the two were successful in international dressage competitions. In fact, Lionel and Accolade scored in the top three in several European competitions. While competing, Lionel frequently competed against me and Romeo. Ultimately, we found ourselves competing against each other for a spot on the British Olympic team. It was then that our friendship was challenged.”
“What happened?” Michael now had Jessica’s complete attention.
Michael continued, suddenly uncomfortable with the direction the conversation had taken. Although his attention never left the road in front of them, Jessica could tell that he was mentally replaying what had happened, and that he didn’t relish reliving those events, but he told her, with as much detail as he could remember, what happened at the Olympic trials, and about his subsequent confrontation with Lionel at Nigel’s funeral. “I’m surprised Lionel is still speaking to you, let alone maintaining your friendship after what he probably saw as your betrayal at the trials.” Jessica paused then said, “The death of his partner after a very public disgrace at the Trials would have pushed many people over the edge. Yet he seems fine. It was only when Nigel’s name came up in our conversation that he showed any sign of emotion. Do you think he’s really all right?”
Michael had to admit that what Jessica was saying made sense. “I don’t know. Two weeks after Nigel’s funeral, Lionel contacted me out of the blue and told me he had been thinking, and had decided he was willing to forgive and forget. I confess that I was surprised he was so forgiving so soon after the events, but I chalked it up to our long-term friendship, and that he understood that I did what I thought I had to do.”
“Do you think he’s the one behind the attempt to injure Tempest?” Jessica asked. “It would be a sort of revenge if he ruined your chances for success.”
“I honestly don’t think him capable of deliberately injuring a horse,” Michael replied. “It just isn’t in him to go there.”
Jessica sighed. “All right, if you say so. You obviously know him better than I do.”
They approached Michael’s home, and he parked the car. The evening had been so pleasant that Jessica didn’t want to leave Michael yet. Apparently Michael felt the same, because immediately after exiting the car, he quietly suggested that they meet in the hayloft after she’d had a chance to change into more comfortable clothes. Jessica eagerly agreed. It didn’t take long for Jessica to change, and she practically ran to the barn in anticipation of another glorious night in Michael’s arms. He was already waiting for her when she made it to the top of the ladder.
Later that night, as Jessica lay cuddled against Michael after a slow, languorous session of lovemaking that left them both sated and deliciously drowsy, Michael realized that he was falling in love with Jessica and that if he wanted to take their relationship any further, Jessica needed to know about Emma, and his perspective about how their relationship had fallen apart. He mentally braced himself to relive that painful period in his life.
Jessica seemed to sense the change in his mood, because she immediately looked up at him. “What’s wrong, Michael?”
Michael kissed her gently. “Jess, I care about you very much, but it’s really difficult for me to trust my heart to someone after what happened between Emma and me last year. I think it’s necessary to tell you what happened so you can understand where I’m coming from, and I hope you understand that my reluctance about deepening our relationship says more about me than it does about you.”
“Michael, you don’t have to explain if it’s painful for you.”
“Yes, I do.” Michael took a deep breath and started. “Before the Olympic Games, Emma and I believed we were truly in love. We shared the same vision for a future together. For me, a career competing in and training dressage and eventually owning my own training yard. For her, working on the support staff for a major London law firm. It wasn’t until after my success in the Olympic Games that she appeared to change. She loved sharing the spotlight that shone on me as Olympic champion, and she thrived attending all the parties and fetes that resulted from my success. I was actually quite surprised that she loved the limelight so much. I, quite frankly, hated it and longed to be back on the farm I purchased in the country.
“After I lost Romeo and the Olympic glory faded, she became more distant, and started going to parties with some of the people she met during our time in the spotlight. I just wasn’t interested in those things, so I didn’t always accompany her to those events. Then, out of nowhere, Emma started accusing me of cheating on her. I was required to travel extensively to do clinics and training sessions, which paid very well, and Emma was somehow convinced I was using those trips as opportunities to be unfaithful. That couldn’t have been further from the truth. I swore to her that I was faithful to her, and tried a thousand ways to convince her I loved her and only her, but she didn’t believe me. She finally broke off the engagement. Very soon thereafter, she started dating a famous footballer. I see them frequently in the gossip columns and tabloids. I must assume that she preferred to be with someone who was rich and famous than a has-been dressage rider.”
Jessica’s heart wrenched at the pain Michael must have felt at the callous way Emma had treated him. She reached up and cradled Michael’s jaw in her hand. “I’m so sorry, Michael. You had no way of knowing that Emma was going to change like that. None of this was your fault. Thank you for telling me this. I know it had to be difficult for you.” She gently pulled his head down to her, and brushed her lips over his in a gentle kiss, knowing that just the fact that Michael had trusted her to share his most painful experience with her confirmed that he did, indeed, care for her very much, in fact, she was fairly certain that he loved her.
The realization that Michael might love her frightened Jessica. Her experience with men was limited, certainly, but she knew her feelings for Michael went deeper than just their physical relationship. She was slowly falling in love with him, but she didn’t know for certain that Michael returned her love. He said all the right things, of course, but he had been with many women. Maybe he told them the same things. All she knew was that she ached to be with him when they weren’t together, and she felt herself glow with happiness when they were together. She dreaded the day that the competition would be over, and she would have to go back to Ohio and leave Michael here, an ocean away.
It took all of her strength to force her thoughts back to the present, and she vowed to enjoy every minute of her time with Michael, because it was precious to her. However, the thought that was constantly in the back of her mind, potentially destroying what she had with Michael, persisted. What if he found out about her role in her parents’ death? Would he be able to love her then? Did she have the courage to tell him? She pushed those thoughts from her head. Once the competition for Tempest was over, then she would tell him. Until then, she resolved to enjoy herself and hope their relationship would survive her dangerous secret.