“What the fuck, MOM!” I heard Reid bark from his empty bedroom. “Tell him to stop fucking drinking.” A short pause. “And I’m paying for it.” I jumped as I heard his bathroom door slam. Still, I heard every venomous word. “I’m not talking about the money! I knew this would happen.”
His voice boomed in the hollow space while I stuffed my duffle. Lexi was minutes away, and we were moving into our apartment. Ben watched me in the living room as I jumped with his next explosion. I heard a crack and looked over to Ben, who motioned to the open door he held. “Come on, you don’t need to hear this.”
Nerves firing off, I followed him to the porch. It was littered with cigarette butts. Reid had come home from his shift the night before utterly unapproachable. His dinner plate was still untouched. He spent our last night playing house chain-smoking and isolated. He refused to talk about anything that morning after our bodies aligned and he’d burned through me like one of his cigarettes. His eyes were empty and refused to meet mine as he filled me to the brink again and again, his face twisted. The only time he spoke was when he asked me for my phone minutes before Lexi was supposed to show up. I reluctantly gave it to him, knowing whatever conversation he had would only add fuel to his inner fire. He was pissed in a way that scared me. And I had never been afraid of Reid.
“Do you know what’s going on?” I asked Ben.
He shrugged. “What’s always going on. His parents are infants.”
“I hate them already. I don’t ever want to know them,” I said as I thought of his lyrics, the torment in the lines of his songs. I knew enough to know that they hadn’t been there for him. They were selfish and undeserving.
Nervous, sick to my stomach, I stood and heard another loud crash.
“He’s just letting the steam off. He’s calmed down a lot.”
“This is calm?” I said, afraid to look in the apartment.
“Extremely,” Ben said smoothly. “That’s why he plays with so much fucking heart.”
“Right.” I swallowed just as Lexi’s SUV came into view, a small U-Haul hooked to the back of it.
“That’s Lexi,” I said with relief. She looked around the buildings, completely confused until I called her name and met her at the bottom of the stairs. A wicked grin covered her face as she ran toward me and squeezed the life out me.
“Jesus, I thought I would never get here!”
“I’ve missed you so much,” I said, a shake in my voice.
She pulled back and frowned. “What’s wrong?”
Her budding concern was cut short when she spotted Ben over my shoulder at the top of the steps. I let out a breath of relief I didn’t know I’d been holding and demanded her attention as I clutched her to me. She felt like home and was a much-needed comfort at that moment.
She pulled back and gave me a wink. “Finally, right?”
“Hi,” she said as she gave Ben a quick once-over.
“Stranger. Welcome home,” he said with a nod. I looked between them and knew they were far more intimately acquainted than they were acting. They’d been talking or texting every day. Still, they played cool, and I couldn’t wait to see it unfold. A minute later, Reid burst through the front door and tapped Ben on the shoulder.
“A minute, man.”
I could see Ben’s apprehension as he followed him in and shut the door behind him.
“What’s going on?” Lexi asked as she looked me over.
“I don’t know.”
“You look scared,” she said as she stood back and surveyed me. She’d re-dyed the tips of her dark hair red and looked kissed by the sun. Beautiful in a light blue sundress and tied leather sandals. Suddenly, it seemed like I’d spent an eternity without her. It was amazing what could happen in a few months.
Everything. Everything could happen in a few months.
Half an hour later, with Lexi and I covered in the afternoon heat, both Reid and Ben came through the door. Ben looked pissed, and Reid avoided all eye contact.
“Let’s get you moved, ladies,” Ben said, as he carried my duffle down the stairs.
My eyes drifted up to Reid. “Reid?”
His jaw ticked. “I’ll catch up.” He walked back inside and slammed the door.
“Don’t,” Ben warned as he pulled at my wrist.
“He’s not coming?”
Still trying to get past, he gripped me tight. “Listen, babe, you don’t need to—”
I pushed past him and pounded up the stairs and into the apartment to see Reid gripping his hair in the middle of his living room, our mattress pushed up against the wall.
“Reid.”
His bite was instant. “Can never fucking follow directions, can you?”
I ignored him because he didn’t mean it. Even with his desperate and angry fucking, I felt him with me. “Please, just tell me what’s going on.”
Hazel eyes stared through me as I stood with my heart in my throat. A long, wordless exchange took place, and for a second, I saw the man I love come back, his eyes focused, his hesitance speaking volumes. And then I knew. “No.”
His voice was full of residual anger and defeat. “I have to.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. I get it. Okay? I get it. You’ve had a rough couple of months, but you’re so close to something. Can’t you see it?”
“No.”
“Then believe me,” I said, taking a step toward him.
“Stop. This isn’t a fucking fairytale, Stella. Life doesn’t magically start happening for anyone. Things don’t just begin to go your way because you try. I’m living proof. I tried, Stella. I tried so hard.”
“It happens! It happens and you know it.” I clung to hope. “You only see the success of others, Reid. You have to dig deeper to find out how long it took them to get there. It takes years!”
“I don’t have years, Stella.”
“Reid—”
“I can’t fucking afford to believe anymore!”
He’d never yelled at me before. And I could see his regret the minute he did. He flinched as I moved toward him. I was no longer scared of him; I was terrified for him. Shoulders slumped, his chin to his chest, I felt his thread snap.
“One minute past desperation,” I whispered. “You have to wait one minute past desperation, Reid. That’s when it happens. You’ll get a break. You will. It’s coming,” I assured him as he looked at me with disbelieving eyes. “Come on, let’s get out of here. Help me unpack my place and then we’ll go have some fun. You need to be inspired. I know just the place.”
Glaring at me, he dug into his pocket and slammed five dollars and change on his counter. “I can’t go anywhere! I can’t afford to buy my woman a goddamned meal!”
“And you know I don’t care about that. We don’t need money. I don’t need anything.” But you.
He scoffed. “You’re so naïve.”
“Stop. I’m in this with you. You know that, Reid. Let’s go to The Garage. Playing always makes you feel better.”
“There is no more Garage. I’m out of the band. I sold my drums to Jason last night. I’m leaving.”
“Last night?” The blood drained from my face and I felt faint. “Why, why, why would you do that?”
“I’m going back to Nacogdoches to live with my parents. My mom needs my help with my dad.”
“You knew last night?”
“I knew a month ago,” he said with a gravelly voice. “And then you happened. I tried, Stella. I just got another job to start graveyard next week, and with the gigs, I thought I could swing it. But it’s too late. I got evicted yesterday.”
He had tried to keep from leaving before he ever touched me. He had stayed for me. It felt beautiful and horrible at the same time. Tears slipped out one by one as I realized the gravity of it all.
“That’s why you let Lia take everything?”
He gave a sharp nod. And my fight kicked back in.
“I’ll help. I’ll do whatever I can—”
“Like what? Shoving tips into my books? Your sister told me about that, Stella.”
I would never speak to her again.
“I can’t make it here and keep sending everything to my mother. I can’t fucking make it. I have to go.”
“You can stay with me. I want you to stay with me.”
“I want you to stop trying to take care of me! Goddammit, Stella, stop!”
My heart plummeted as he looked around his living room and then made a beeline for his bedroom. Following him with a flat-lining heart, I watched him pull out a large duffle and begin loading his clothes. “I can’t stay with you, Stella. I just can’t. I don’t want to screw things up for you. And my mom needs me.”
“She doesn’t deserve your help! They got themselves into their own mess. She doesn’t deserve you as a son!”
“Stop,” he said softly. “She’s my mother. And I’ve explained this to you.”
“And I’m the only woman that’s behind you. ME!”
“And I never asked you for that.”
It was a sledgehammer to the stomach. “I’m going to forget you said that.”
“Fuck,” he said through a ragged breath as he ran a hand through his hair. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. I don’t regret a single thing that happened between you and me. But I can’t stay here. I just can’t stay.”
“We can—”
“Stella, I want to go.”
“You want to go?” My voice cracked. “Reid,” I said breathlessly, “what about us?”
He began ripping T-shirts from hangers, then kicked the cheap plastic sock drawer he had against the wall.
When he didn’t answer, my angry heart began to speak for me.
“Me, too. I gotta go, huh? It’s not enough to leave the band, everyone else goes, too.”
He stopped with his shirts in hand, only to drive his fists through the wall of his closet. Punishing and relentless, it shredded easily under his heavy throws. Screaming in surprise, I shrank into the discarded pile of shirts while I watched him self-destruct. When he collapsed on the floor, exhausted and sweat pouring off of his brow, he drew his legs up and cupped his knees as blood seeped from his knuckles. Moving fast, I inspected his hands and saw he hadn’t broken anything. I rushed to his bathroom and grabbed a washcloth, wet it, and raced back to him. He allowed me mere seconds to clean them while he stared blankly at the ruined wall. “It’s fine.” He jerked away and began stuffing his duffle again. Standing in front of him, I gripped his bag and tried to force his eyes on mine.
“We were never supposed to happen,” he said, dodging me. “I’m not good for you, Stella.”
“Bullshit.”
“I’m not. Your sister knows it. Everyone seems to know it but you.”
“Because it’s not true.”
An exasperated laugh left him as he looked down at me, our eyes locking, breathing the same air. Seeing my panic, he shook his head. “You’re better off.”
“I’m not,” I said as angry tears rolled down my face. “I might not know much, Reid, but I do know this: I’m yours.” My breath hitched as he dropped his bag before he thrust his fingers in my hair and crushed his mouth to mine. I gripped him just as greedily as he parted my mouth before his tongue plunged deep. Kissing him in that moment was completion, bliss and agony, and at the heart of it, it felt like goodbye. And it hit so deep, I began to cry before I ripped my lips away, fighting to keep that feeling. Fighting as long as I was able to. Despite what he said, it was his kiss that told me our love was real, and I would do anything to keep it. To keep Reid.
“Don’t leave. Please don’t leave. We can work this out. I’ll talk to Lexi. Don’t go.”
“I’m on my knees, Stella,” he whispered, his forehead pressed to mine. “And I’m fucking exhausted from being here. I’m sorry,” he said softly.
He moved past me and began shoving his shoes into the bag.
“Reid—”
“I’m leaving, Stella.”
“Fuck!” I screamed, gripping my hair before I sank down to the floor. I heard the rustle in his bathroom, and sometime later, I heard the god-awful sound of the zip. I was still sobbing when he knelt in the closet in front of me and softly said my name. “Stella.”
“I can’t believe you’re giving up. If you could only—” I hiccupped “—for one second, see what I see. Just believe me,” I begged, refusing to look at him. I was shattering and I showed it. I held nothing back as I let the raw emotion pour out of me. Apparently, I had no dignity when it came to my heartache. None. I was wide open, he saw it, and I let him see. A gentle hand caressed the side of my face before my head was tilted up.
“You’re making a mistake,” I whispered.
“I’m tired of starving, tired of working my ass off, getting up only to get kicked down again. I need a breather. I want out of Austin for a while.”
“But you’ll come back?” I implored, as the tears crested over my lips. They tasted like ruin. “You’ll come back, right?”
“I don’t know.”
I narrowed my eyes. “You don’t know?”
He brushed my hair away from my face. “You remember that seven minutes you saved me? I just wanted to spend them with you, Stella.”
“You can have all of them. I’ll give them all to you, Reid. Stay.”
He closed his eyes as if my words hurt. “Stop.”
“Stop,” I bit out bitterly. “Not going to happen.” I could feel his frustration as his eyes begged me to understand. And I did. But it didn’t mean I had to let him go without a fight.
“Fine, if you won’t stay for me, what about the band?”
“They’ll find someone else. I don’t have it all figured out.”
“But you’ll play again. You aren’t done, right?”
“I don’t know.”
Tears pooled and multiplied. I could see his pain, feel it, and it was my only comfort, because his words only twisted the knife.
“Don’t hate me,” he whispered.
“Just don’t stop playing, Reid. Don’t give up.” I kissed his jaw. “Go home,” I said, standing, and he followed suit, now towering above me. Steadying myself, I found the words and the strength I had left to speak them. “If I’m not what you need, then go find it. I bared myself to you, and you didn’t have the decency to fall in love with me. I probably will hate you. I fell for you, scared, but I did it anyway.” Courage, anger, or one of the half-dozen emotions racing through me pushed the rest out. “But don’t stop playing. Promise me. And make this promise count.”
He stayed mute, and I felt the last rip of my heart as he refused to give me that much.
No longer able to control my sobs, I stumbled out the door and down the stairs toward Lexi, who looked at me wide-eyed before muttering, “Oh shit.” Ben was silent, his eyes filled with anger while he looked over my shoulder.
“Stella,” Reid said from the top of the steps, eyes steel green, face stone as he watched me cry. My breath stuttered as my body shook with silent sobs, pain on display, heart stung and fluttering in my chest in confusion. “I promise.”
A moment passed between us before I nodded. His eyes lingered briefly before he walked back into the apartment and closed the door.
That night I moved into my apartment while Reid Crowne left Austin—left me.