12
MCKENNA
Neither of us said anything on the drive back to my place, but I couldn’t stop my mind whirling. I never felt closer to Ellis than now. He really did care. He didn’t dump me back in college the way I always thought he did. He suffered a lot worse than I did, and he came through it strong and sure. He came through it still caring about me after I turned my back on him.
What was I going to do now? I couldn’t lie to him, not after what he told me at the restaurant. All the barriers between us, all the old resentment and hostility—none of it meant a thing now. If I looked him in the eye, if I kissed him or touched his skin, I had to come clean. I couldn’t face him otherwise.
The Porsche purred through the streets. The headlights swept right and left when Ellis turned corners and angled off the freeway. That silence stretched on and on. It would never end until one of us said something, and I wasn’t about to be the first.
It was a comfortable silence, a silence in which everything that needed to be said had been said and would be said. We could live in that silence for years, decades even. That silence accused me more than anything. I hadn’t said everything that needed to be said, and I should have.
He came clean. Now it was my turn. Somehow, though, that silence just got longer and longer. One intersection and one street corner after another passed by, and I didn’t say it. The silence got heavier and more oppressive until I couldn’t sit still anymore. I had to get away from Ellis, even as I longed with all my heart to hold him and take shelter in him.
The car pulled up in front of my house. Ellis got out and opened my door for me the way he always did. He walked me up to the step, but instead of going inside, I turned around to face him. “I’m going inside now, Ellis. Maybe I’ll see you later. I had a really nice time tonight.”
Faster than the eye could see, he flew at me and kissed me. He pressed me so tight I could barely breathe. His lips sucked the air from my lungs. Before I knew it, I got all tangled up in him. I couldn’t keep away from him. Some force stronger than both of us drew us together.
His hands ranged all up and down my back. He nestled his warm fingers around my neck under my hair, and my whole spine sagged into his embrace. I couldn’t stop myself when he touched me like that.
His other hand glided down my back to the arch where my ass rounded outward. He squeezed me against him until I moaned in open desire. I wanted him so much, but I couldn’t have him.
His cock swelled against my dress, and he rubbed it back and forth. My tissues unfurled their swollen petals, and my juices wet my panties. If only I could take him inside and forget everything else, he would make everything all right again, at least for a little while.
I tore myself out of his embrace and gasped for air. “I’m sorry.”
He eased me back to stare into my eyes. “Let’s go inside. We can do this better there.”
I shook my head. “I can’t. I’m sorry. It’s not that I don’t want to.”
He cocked his head to one side. “Then what is it?”
“It’s just that....” Even I didn’t understand what it was. Why couldn’t I let myself get close to him? Why did I have to keep coming up with excuses to hold him at a distance? He could be the one, my mate! “It’s just that.... after what you told me....”
He frowned. “What about it? I thought telling you would bring us closer. I wouldn’t have told you if I thought it would drive us apart.”
I seized his hand. “It has brought us closer together. That’s what I’m trying to say. It seems like...this thing between us.... I don’t know what I’m trying to say. It’s fragile right now. It’s delicate, and it needs protection. That’s what I’m trying to say. I don’t want to do anything to endanger it.”
He stiffened against me, but he didn’t let go. “We’ve done it enough times. Doing it again won’t hurt us.”
I had to laugh at that, but there was nothing funny about this. “We did it before I knew this about you. I never knew you cared about me the way I cared about you. I thought it was all just a good time to you. Now I find out it wasn’t. I don’t want to do anything to endanger this. Just for tonight, let’s kiss and say good night. We can come back together later, and we’ll be that much stronger.”
He gave me a quick peck. “Are you sure about that?”
I nodded.
He moved back and slid one hand down his stomach to his cock. He squeezed his package, and his abs contracted to thrust his hips toward me. “So, what am I supposed to do with this?”
I bit back a smile. “Save it for me.”
When I kissed him this time, the passion flared hotter than ever. Did I really think I could turn him away on my doorstep? He mouthed me to a raging inferno. He crushed my ass in one big hand and tormented my sensitive mound on his cruel spike. Oh, if I could only get at that thing, I could satisfy all my deepest desires. I never wanted anything as much as I wanted that.
He quit before I did. He pushed me back and left me standing on my doorstep cold and alone. His fingers trailed off my hand. “Until next time.” He kissed my knuckles. “Sleep tight.”
I could only stand there staring at him while he yanked the car door open, fired up the Porsche, and motored down the street out of sight. A thousand doubts and fears plagued my brain. I should have let him in. I should have spent the night with him. I should have told him everything.
What could I really tell him, after all? I didn’t really know for sure. I couldn’t see him again until I knew for absolutely, positively sure where we stood.
I fumbled with my keys. My hands shook, and I missed the lock more than once. When I finally got the door open, I went straight to my bedroom. I took off my dress and put on my old pajamas. I wadded up my hair in a knot on top of my head and went into the bathroom.
I took off all my makeup before I dared look at myself in the mirror. No masks. No decoration. Just me, myself, and I. I stood there regarding myself in the mirror. I had to face myself as myself. I couldn’t hide from myself at this moment.
I opened the medicine cabinet and took out the cardboard box. In bright letters emblazoned across it, I read those fateful words, Home Pregnancy Test. I had to know the truth. I had to know before I ever laid eyes on Ellis Johnson again.
I couldn’t stand there staring at it all night. I tore it open, got out the dipstick, and sat down on the toilet. I put the stick on the counter and went into the bedroom. I turned down the bed and switched off my phone. Whatever the result, I would need some quiet time alone after reading it to take stock of my life. I had to face tomorrow with my head up, whatever the outcome.
No matter what I found in that bathroom, my life would change. I couldn’t go throwing myself away anymore. I had to move in the future with sure, certain steps. I had to get absolute clarity on what I was doing and do it without flinching.
I sat down on my bed and gave myself a pedicure. Ellis’s presence haunted that bed. I brought him home with me, even when he drove away to the other side of town. I would curl up in that bed, put my arms around him, and tell him my darkest secrets. I would kiss him and rest my head on his chest. He would comb my hair off my face and rub my back.
Why did I ever think I could live my life without his protective presence? Why did I think I was better off without this touchstone guiding me and filling my life with meaning? Is this what having a mate really felt like?
The clock on my bedside table registered twenty minutes. The results would certainly but up by now. I put away my pedicure set and rubbed my eyes. I was already half asleep. Even as I stepped through the bathroom door, a deep inner knowing filled me with the light of truth. I knew what I would find before I picked up the test.
It was positive.