Kenzie
Rolling over with a huge yawn, I stretch in my bed and glance over at the clock. I’m supposed to get up in five minutes for my morning run, but I have no desire to run today. I look out the window to see it’s a bit foggy and probably a great day to go, but I slept horribly last night. The look of disappointment and frustration on Remy’s face before he walked out yesterday kept playing over and over in my mind. I haven’t known him long, but in the short time we’ve been hanging out, he’s already managed to get under my skin. I know he probably thinks it’s no big deal to talk to him about my feelings, but it is. He thinks he can settle my fears, and for the life of me I can’t seem to figure out how he could do that.
Punching my pillow in frustration, I try to get comfortable and roll over trying to fall back to sleep. There’s no way I can go running today. I’m exhausted, and I’m not sure I can face him until I figure my shit out. Taking a deep breath, I can feel my eyelids getting heavy, until I hear a pounding noise. I jump up in bed to realize I hear it again. I throw on my robe and run out to see Remy standing at the door.
Pulling the door open, I snap, “What are you doing here?”
I can see from his expression he’s taken aback. “You weren’t out for our run. I was worried about you,” he says with his brows furrowed, his hands running through his hair because he’s so upset.
“Well, I’m fine. I didn’t sleep well last night, so I decided to skip running this morning.”
“And you didn’t think I would worry, so you didn’t bother with a text to let me know?”
“You’re not my father, Remy. I don’t need to report to you.” Now I’m pissed. He nods slightly, trying to control his temper. I can see I’ve managed to hurt him yet again.
“Have a good day, Kenzie.” He runs down my porch and toward the street. I call his name to apologize, but I’m too late. He ignores me and continues on his way.
I sigh, walking back into my house to shower. I go about getting ready for work, determined to push this out of my head. I’m pissed that he thinks I have to report to him if I’m not going for a run, but at the same time it’s sweet he was concerned. My emotions are all over the place, and I need to focus on the task at hand. Right now, that’s figuring out what my classroom needs.
After arriving at the school, I walk down the hall and straight into my classroom, closing the door behind me. I don’t care to say hi to the teachers I have met, or introduce myself to those I haven’t met yet. I want to get this done so I can go visit Nana. The first thing I notice when I walk through the door is the room smells stale, so I immediately begin opening the windows to let in some fresh air. I move on to moving the desks around. They’re all pushed against the wall from when the janitorial staff was in last week polishing the floors so they’ll look nice when school starts. Once I have the desks lined up in nice, neat rows, I double check that I have enough desks for the twenty-two students who will walk through that door on the first day.
I take a seat at my desk and begin looking through the drawers to discover most of them are empty, and the ones that aren’t have some supplies in them, but there isn’t much. I have a stapler, a pair of scissors, a few pens, a small pad of sticky notes, and some scrap paper. I sigh as I begin to think about all the things I will need for my desk, let alone the remainder of my classroom. A short time later I have a list of everything I will need, as well as all the paperwork I need to get some work done from home the rest of this week. I need to make name tags for the kids’ desks, and pick up some decorations as well as finish my lesson plans so I can submit them to the principal.
Exiting my classroom, I make my way through the school to the front where my car is parked. When I get out there, my phone starts ringing so I quickly answer it. “Hello,” I say, holding the phone with my shoulder to my ear as I put my bag into the car.
“Hey, sweetie,” Daniel says into the phone. I want to grunt as I roll my eyes. As if my day isn’t shitty enough, now I have to deal with this jerk.
“Daniel, I’m not your sweetie.” I climb into my car and shut the door.
He sighs. “I know, but I wish you were.”
“What do you want, Daniel? I’m working, or at least trying to.”
“It looks to me like you’re leaving work.” I gasp as I look around the parking lot for him, but I don’t see him until he flashes the lights on his rental. I’m such an idiot. I was searching for his car.
“I want to have lunch with you,” he whines into the phone.
“Not today. It’s been a bad day, and I need to head over to Nana’s to take care of her,” I tell him as I start my car.
“Okay. Can I come with you to meet her?”
“No, you can’t. Listen, I know you’re trying, and I don’t know how to tell you this so you’ll understand, but it’s not going to happen.”
He cuts the call without saying anything more. I quickly pull out of my parking space and take off up the street before he has a chance to turn around. I don’t need him following me to Nana’s house.
When I pull into the driveway, I find Uncle Jasper working in the yard with no sign of Nana or anyone else. “Hi, Uncle Jasper. Where is everyone?”
“Hi, sugar. The nurse is inside with your nana, and your aunt is at the grocery store buying some food for the week,” he continues with the weeds.
Running up the steps, I find Nana sitting in the living room with her plate in front of her, she’s half-asleep. I decide to tiptoe by her. “You can’t sneak in, Joanne.” I roll my eyes at her calling me by my mother’s name.
“And don’t roll your eyes at me, young lady. I will ground you until pigs can fly.”
“Yes, ma’am,” is all I say, not wanting to upset her. I find Emily in the kitchen cleaning up. “Is it me or does Nana seem really tired today?”
“She told me she didn’t sleep well last night, but didn’t say what was wrong.” She shakes her head. “She may not remember.”
“I’m going to go sit with her,” I tell Emily, but when I get out there I find her asleep in her chair. It’s funny how neither of us slept well last night. I plop down on the couch to watch some TV while she sleeps, but my eyelids are just too heavy.
“Hey, Remy. How was your day?” I ask, kissing my man on his soft lips.
“It was okay, but I have some bad news.”
“What’s wrong, love?” I ask, full of concern.
“They’re shipping me out. It’s supposed to be a brief mission, but I could be gone for up to six months depending on what happens when I get over there.”
“Over there?” I question. “You mean overseas. You promised me you were done with these crazy missions. You told me they transferred you to keep you home.”
“Sweet pea, they will tell me whatever it is they think I want to hear to keep me in. I don’t have much time left until I retire. I can’t just walk away now,” he pleads with me but it doesn’t help I’m still bitter as all hell that he’s leaving me.
“When are you shipping out?”
“Tomorrow,” he says, preparing himself for my rampage, but it never comes.
“Well, you better get packing then.” I walk off into the house to make our dinner. I’ve got to do something to turn this night around. I can’t let him leave with us being on bad terms.
I see him run up the stairs to pack his things, and a lone tear escapes me. I silently pray that he comes home quickly and safely. I’m so deep in thought I hadn’t noticed him come up behind me, startling me when he wraps his arms around my waist. “Please don’t be mad at me, sweet pea. I can’t leave knowing you’re mad at me.”
“I’m not mad. I’m scared.”
I jump up from the couch and take a deep breath. Lord help me, I’m dreaming about him now.
“What’s wrong?” Nana asks, still sitting in the chair beside me.
“Oh nothing, Nana, I’m fine,” I tell her.
“You’re full of shit, is what you are. You jumped up from that couch like the house was on fire. Now you tell me what’s wrong, young lady.”
I crack up laughing. My nana is one funny lady, and she certainly doesn’t hold back.
“Why don’t we go sit on the porch swing and get some air?”
“That’s a good idea.” I help her stand and we walk out the door with Nana holding onto my arm. We sit together on the swing, and I lightly push us back and forth with my feet.
“Now what was that jumping around all about in there?” Nana asks, slapping me on the leg.
I look around to make sure no one else is listening, then stare straight ahead, unable to look her in the eye. “There’s this guy I like, and he really likes me.”
“That’s great, so what’s the problem?”
“He’s in the Army,” I say, like it should all make sense to her.
“Your father and grandfather were both in the Army, Joanne. You should be proud to date a man serving our country.”
“I am proud of him, but I’m scared too. What if he gets deployed and has to go fight in the war? What if he gets hurt? What happens to us when he leaves and I’m stuck here by myself?” I pause for a second trying to gather my thoughts. “How many nights did you lay awake crying at night, scared and lonely because you hadn’t heard a word?”
“Too many to count.” Her voice grows soft.
“I’m not sure I can do it, Nana.”
“You’re giving up on something before you’ve even given it a shot.”
“Maybe, but I don’t know how to get past this fear I have of being alone, or of falling for him and then losing him, the way you and mom did.” I sigh. “I guess I need to put a little more thought into this before going on any more dates with him.”
Nana says nothing more. We both just sit on the swing rocking back and forth, watching the kids ride by on their bikes. It’s a breezy night so the trees are blowing, and the birds are chirping. It’s peaceful, a little too peaceful. I can’t get out of my own head, and for a second, I wonder what is going through Nana’s head.
“What are you thinking, Nana?”
She looks over at me and smiles. “I’m thinking about the day you were born. I was so proud of my Joanne.” I smile as she goes back to realizing I’m me. “You were a struggle to deliver, Kenzie, but your mama pushed and pushed, and your father came running into the room, still in his uniform, just in time to see you delivered.” She chuckles. “Your mama swore you were being stubborn, holding out for your father to get there.”
I smile at the glow on her face as she recalls the memory. “You were a handful when you were small, but you turned out all right. I’m proud of you.” She pats me on the leg.
“Thanks, Nana.” I put my arm around her shoulder, hugging her tight. We’re once again sitting in silence, left to nothing but our own thoughts. My mind drifts to the day my mom’s heart was forever broken.
The doorbell rings and I shout, “I’ve got it, Mama. It’s probably Jenny coming over to play.” I open the door full of excitement, ready to see my friend, but instead there are two men standing on the porch in dress uniforms just like my daddy’s. “Mama, you need to come here. There are two men on the porch.” My mama comes running into the room, but stops short when she sees who’s at the door.
“Can I help you?” she asks, her voice low and wary.
“Ma’am, I’m Sergeant First Class Baker, and this is Captain Sloan. May we come in?”
She pushes the door open, and the two men walk in. “Can I get you something to drink?” she asks them.
“No, ma’am, we’re fine, thank you, but I do think we should sit to talk if that’s okay,” Sergeant First Class Baker says.
I take Mama’s hand, and we lead them into our living room where I take a seat on her lap. I’m really kind of big to be sitting on her, but I feel like she needs me so she can stay strong, so I go with it.
“Is there somewhere your daughter can go while we talk?”
I begin to walk away but Mama says, “No, sir, we are family, and we will go through this together.” She looks at me and I give her a nod and a warm smile.
SFC Baker nods before taking a deep breath, then says, “Ma’am, there’s no easy way for us to say this. I’m sorry, but your husband was wounded in action. The medics did everything they could to save him, but they were unsuccessful.”
Mama’s entire body begins to shake as she squeezes me close. Tears are running down our faces as we take in the horrible news. She’s breathing heavy, and she starts shaking her head. “No, this can’t be. No…” she trails off. “I just spoke to him two days ago.”
“I’m so sorry, ma’am, but it’s true. Is there someone we can call for you?”
I snuggle into my mom’s chest and sob.
Shaking my head I snap out of the horrible memory, a lone tear running down my cheek. It’s a day I’ll never forget, although sometimes I wish I could. The pain my mama suffered that day was unbearable. The gentleman tried to encourage her that I not be present for the conversation, but Mama wouldn’t hear of it. I feel like she knew and wanted me to hear the news with her. I don’t know why. Maybe she felt she wouldn’t be able to tell me herself, but we both lost a piece of ourselves that day.