Chapter Seven

They were busy for the next three weeks. The actors rehearsed daily until they were speaking in iambic pentameter in their spare time. The costume shop, manned as it was by only two people and with over thirty actors to dress, was humming day and night. Levi’s personal assistant duties had by necessity gone by the wayside, but Sir Edward said nothing and made no complaints.

Levi and Griffin passed in the hall, and they sometimes ran into one another in the corridor of the hotel, but they never spoke. Griffin was keeping himself away from him, and Levi could feel the distance between them widening by the day. The show would have a two-month run, and when it was over, he would never see Griffin again except on the television. The thought hurt more than he thought it would.

Three days before opening night, all of the cast was required to come to personal fittings to make sure all of their costumes were ready to go. Griffin was the last to keep his appointment, arriving almost at the end of the day. Sherrie had already gone home, and Levi was in the process of cleaning up after a day of alterations when the wayward star arrived.

“Is it too late for the fitting?”

Levi swallowed his nerves and shook his head. “No. Not at all. This shouldn’t take long.”

Griffin came into the room, looking around at the controlled chaos of fabric and hanging costumes.

“We’re alone?”

“Yes.” Levi’s palms began to sweat, and he wiped them on his jeans. “Is that a problem?”

“No.” He looked at him with no expression, but with bottomless sorrow in his eyes. “I just thought you might like someone here to protect you from me, considering how I’m such a monster.”

He frowned. “Monster? What are you talking about?”

“Haven’t you heard?” Griffin laughed humorlessly. “Rumor has it that I tried to attack you in here. That’s what Abner has everybody believing, anyway.”

“That’s ridiculous!”

“He said you confirmed it.”

Levi’s mouth fell open. “What?! No! No, no. I never said anything of the sort. I said exactly the opposite. Griffin, I would never accuse you of anything like that.”

He thought for a moment, then said, “Well, that’s a relief.”

“You actually thought I would?”

Griffin shrugged. “I don’t know what to think anymore.”

“You know me better than that.”

“Do I?” He pulled his wallet and cell phone out of his pockets and tossed them on the work bench and kicked off his shoes. “Which costume do you want me to change into first?”

He sighed. “Let’s start with the main tunic.”

Levi went to the rack and pulled down the costume in question, which he handed over. Griffin went into the supply room to change, then came back out. He stood in the center of the room and Levi set about fussing with the hem. The silence between them was tense and thick. Finally, unable to stand it any longer, Levi made small talk.

“So, why do you think they cast you as Antony and not as Brutus, who’s really the lead?”

Griffin shrugged one shoulder. “I don’t know. I’m just grateful to have been cast at all. It’s an honor to be here.”

His voice was flat and entirely uncharacteristic. Levi stabbed himself in the finger with a pin and cursed. Blood welled up from the tiny wound, and he stood up.

“I’ve got to get a bandage so I don’t bleed all over the fabric. Just a second.”  Silence fell again, painful and heavy. With his back to Griffin while he wrapped his finger, he asked, “Have you been avoiding me?”

There was a long hesitation, and he wasn’t certain if he’d heard him. Finally, Griffin said, “It makes it easier.”

He felt a log jam of words in his throat, and none of them would sort themselves out into speech. He could only nod.

“Before you ask,” Griffin continued, “I don’t want to talk about what happened when we broke up. We just keep saying the same thing over and over, and nothing changes. We can’t change the past and talking about it doesn’t seem to help.”

He turned back around and looked at him. “What about the present?”

The other man snorted softly. “What present? There’s nothing. Not now. Not anymore.”

It hurt to hear him say it. “I see.”

“I see?” he asked incredulously. “That’s all? ‘I see’?”

“I… I don’t know what to say.”

“Yeah, that was always the problem. You never did.”

The bitterness in Griffin’s voice was something he had never heard before, and it pained him more than he could say. He tried to hide his hurt feelings by diving back into his work. The costume fitting proceeded without another word, finishing in utter silence.

Griffin, dressed again in his street clothes, collected his wallet and phone. He looked at Levi as if he had a great deal to say, and Levi waited for him to say it. Instead, he only nodded and walked away.

***

When he got back to Sir Edward’s suite, Levi laid out the actor’s dinner clothes and set about ordering food from room service. The Englishman came in from the hallway and leaned his walking stick against the wall.

“I do believe I shall be staying in tonight,” he announced. “Have you ordered dinner yet?”

“Uh… I just did. Would you like me to cancel it?”

“Of course not.” The actor smiled at him, and the expression was so friendly and normal that Levi almost didn’t recognize him. “I’ll simply add to it. I do hope you’ll join me for the evening meal.”

“I’d—”

“Good.”

Levi sat awkwardly as Sir Edward made his addition to the room service order. When he was finished, the actor sat on the couch and crossed his ankles with his legs outstretched, his hands folded over his modest paunch.

“Tell me about yourself, Mr. Rudd.”

He wasn’t prepared for that question. “There isn’t much to tell. What would you like to know?”

“Well, I know the basic biographical details,” he said. “Ms. Davies was kind enough to expound upon your background when she assigned you to be my valet.”

“Valet? Is that what I am?”

Sir Edward smiled. “Of course you are, dear boy.”

“What did she tell you?”

“Jewish boy from Brooklyn, only son of a devout Orthodox family. Graduated cum laude from the Performing Arts Academy, where your college roommate was one Griffin Lawrence. You studied acting for three years, then switched to costume design for the fourth, where you truly shone. You’ve won several awards for your work, and you’re well respected in New York, which is why you were invited to join the Actors’ Club seven seasons ago.”

Levi blinked. “Wow. That’s… extensive.”

“And yet it leaves out so much.”

He tried to relax his body language, irritated that he was constantly so anxious. He needed to see a doctor and get some medication or something. It was becoming ridiculous.

“What else would you like to know?”

“Well…” The actor sighed. “For one thing, why are you so incredibly nervous all the time? Is it because of your history with Mr. Lawrence? A bad parting, perhaps?”

He didn’t know how to respond. After flailing for a reply, he finally said, “Sort of.”

“How long were you together?”

“We were roommates for four years.”

Sir Edward smiled. “My dear boy, I can tell when someone is family from a mile away. My art is dependent upon my ability to read and understand people. How long were the two of you together?”

“By ‘family’ you mean –”

“Gay, Mr. Rudd. I can recognize another gay man when I see one… or two. Or three, if you include Mr. Abner.”

He took a deep breath. Did Sir Edward Treadwell just come out to me? he thought incredulously. Such an act of trust deserved something similar in return. “Three years.”

“Ah. Three years. And then you parted.”

“Yes, sir.”

Sir Edward nodded. “But feelings remain, am I correct?”

“I… I don’t know.”

He clicked his tongue. “Come now, Mr. Rudd. Surely you’re not so blind that you can’t see the light in Mr. Lawrence’s eyes when he looks at you.”

He stared at the other man, then admitted, “Apparently I am.”

“You young men.” Again, he clicked his tongue. “I must say, it’s foolishness. He loves you. You love him. You are separated only by pride and by a hotel corridor.”

“And years of misunderstanding.” He looked down at his hands. “I’ve never come out. I’ve been too afraid… too afraid to do anything, really.”

Sir Edward spoke quietly. “Mr. Rudd, I was once afraid as you are now. I loved another man deeply, with every fiber of my being, and I was too afraid of what the world would say to tell him how I felt. I stayed closeted and silent, and I lost him. Look at my life. What do you see?”

Levi shook his head, feeling overwhelmed. “I see a fabulously successful artist who’s respected by everyone in the industry.”

“Yes, yes. What else?”

He tried hard to think of what else to say. “Wealth. Class. Style.”

“What else am I?” he prompted. When Levi didn’t answer, he said, “I am alone, Mr. Rudd. Alone. I am alone because I held my tongue when speaking was the wiser course of action. I let fear prevent my happiness, and I allowed the man I loved to leave my life forever because of unexpressed emotions and misunderstandings.” He stood and walked to where Levi was sitting. One of his hands squeezed the younger man’s shoulder. “You still have a chance to prevent the man of your dreams from walking away. Do not make my mistake.”

He shook his head. “I… I haven’t even come out to my parents. They’d die if they found out.”

“You may be surprised. Some parents love their children enough that they accept them. Have you ever supposed that might be the case?”

“Griff’s didn’t.”

“Then that was their loss.” Sir Edward sighed and went back to his seat on the couch. “Mr. Rudd, you pain me. You have so much loveliness waiting for you if you’d only reach out to take it.”

He looked down at his hands. I wish that was all it took.

***

Griffin tossed his mostly uneaten pizza into the trash and flopped onto the bed, his arm across his eyes. He was considering breaking into the liquor in the refrigerator when his cell phone rang, the ringtone a squealing child’s giggle. It was the ringtone he had assigned to Pete. He retrieved the phone from his bedside table and answered.

“Hi, man!” his friend said. “How’s Chicago?”

“Oh, man.” Griffin sighed. “You wouldn’t believe this shit. The city, it’s awesome, but this theater group is fucked.”

“What do you mean?”

He could hear the frown of concern in Pete’s voice. “Sir Edward Treadwell, the one they cast as Caesar, he’s been a piece of work, and we got off to a really bad start. He accused me of being cast as a publicity stunt.”

“That’s low.”

“Yeah. I didn’t take it so well, as you might expect. But the worst thing is the costumer.”

“Bad?”

“No, very talented. But it’s Levi.”

There was a sharp intake of breath as Pete reacted to the news. He knew all about Levi, as a best friend should. “Oh, wow. That’s awkward.”

“You don’t know the half of it. We accidentally hooked up in a back room on my first night here.”

“Dude! Jesus! What the hell? You never do that.”

“I know…”

“So… now?”

Griffin sighed. “Now we’re barely talking. We had two conversations about the way we broke up, which were basically rehashing the same thing over and over. I left him, no, he left me, no, we left each other, I love him…”

“Wow. You still love him?”

He sighed.  “Yeah. And I probably always will.”

“And does he love you?”

“He said that maybe he thought he did. Not too definitive.”

“Not very helpful,” Pete snorted. “Is he still a nervous wreck? You said he was basically Anxiety Boy when you were together before.”

Griffin closed his eyes. “Yeah, he’s got a real uptight streak. He’s worse than normal. I think he’s just unhappy that I’m here.”

“Sounds like you are, too.”

“Yeah.”

“Have you talked to him about how you feel?”

“Yeah.” He lay back on the bed again. “Doesn’t make any difference.”

“Are you sure?”

“Dude, I’m the one who’s here. Yes, I’m sure.”

He could practically see Pete shrugging. “Hey, I’m just saying… you might be so wrapped up in what you’re expecting, or in what you’re feeling, that you’re not entirely seeing him, you know?”

“Maybe.” He chuckled. “Since when are you my therapist?”

“For about nine years, now, give or take.”

In the background, he could hear a female voice. Griffin asked, “How’s Katie?”

“Beautiful as always. It’s good to be able to spend time with her.”

“I can imagine. Tell her hi.”

“I will.” Pete took a deep breath. “Listen, Griff, give the guy a chance. If he says he thinks he loves you, that means he does. He’s just confused, right? Not real clear on what he feels. Probably overthinks everything.”

It made sense, but he was afraid to hope. “But what if he doesn’t? What if I reach out to him and it’s a mistake?”

He could hear his friend take a swig of a drink. “Well, if it is, it’s a mistake, and a month from now, you’re back here in L.A. and I can finally introduce you to that P.A. I was talking about.”

Griffin rolled his eyes. “I’m not interested in your frat brothers.”

“Aw, he’s a nice guy. Honest. I mean, he’s like me, only gay.”

“That’s not a ringing endorsement. You forget how well I know you.”

They laughed together, and then Pete said, “Listen, if you reach out and it goes no place, then you know. But if you don’t reach out and it could have been a forever thing… You’ll spend the rest of your life wondering what could have happened.” He switched into the voice of his Hunters character. “I mean, man up. You gotta do some stalking to finish a hunt.”

Griffin chuckled. “Shut up, you moron.”

Pete’s smile carried down the phone. “You’ve got nothing to lose by trying again. Don’t give up yet. I’ve got a feeling about this.”

“The last time you had a feeling, it ended up being bad chicken.”

“Hmm. You’ve got me there. But listen, I haven’t eaten chicken in days.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Trust me on this.”

“I don’t trust you,” he lied.

“Good. I’m glad.” Pete’s voice turned slightly more serious. “Good luck, man. I hope it works out. That torch you’ve been carrying must be getting pretty heavy by now.”

“You have no idea. Take it easy, Pete.”

“You, too.”

He turned off the phone and put it aside. As if it’ll be that easy to just reach out. He looked toward the door leading to the hall, thinking about the suite on the other side. Nothing is that easy.