Claire
“JACK SAID THAT? And then he walked out? Oh…My…God…Claire! What the hell? You just let him leave with the whole I ‘heart’ you?” Zoey says while miming the last statement as she sits, okay it is more like sprawled out on the sofa in my family room.
Standing at the island that separates the two rooms, I literally laugh at my sister. At the same time the front door slams against the wall and Suzie and Ally come barreling in. I cringe for my poor wall as Suzie rushes in and plops down on the chair across from Zoey with Ally in her arms. With a huff she states, “I would have been here earlier but Ben was being a baby and made me change Ally.” Looking over at my sister, she says, “He hates the new outfit you bought her. I swear, Zoey, you buy her clothes that you know will send him over the edge.”
Zoey snorting pulls my attention and I know by the look on my baby sister’s face that Suzie is one hundred percent accurate. I shake my head and bend over and pick up Ally as she totters over to me. “Zoey, you have to stop pushing Ben’s buttons. His love for you is only going to go so far. You are lucky that he hasn’t revoked your godmother status at this point.”
“Pfft!” Comes from Suzie. “As if! The man loves her. Forget about him, I know how to handle him. One good blow job and I win!”
“Seriously, do we need to have this conversation right now?” I say while pulling Ally to my chest and covering her ears. “Little ears, Suz!” I admonish.
“Claire, you are the biggest prude! Lighten up. Jesus, did you or did you not have a kid at sixteen?”
“Zoey!” Suzie says on a gasp.
What the fuck?
“Pregnancy brain! I am so sorry, Claire!”
“Sorry for what? Reminding me that I got knocked up and had a baby at sixteen?” I give Ally a quick snuggle and put her down with a soft pat to her bottom, which garners me a giggle. Walking over to the green glass shelves that I installed last week, I grab my favorite rocks glass and proceed to make myself an adult beverage. Not like anyone else in this house can have a cocktail with me. The bitches are both pregnant. Suzie and Ben have been trying for eight months and just found out that she is expecting another precious bundle. It’s a good thing that the Andersons make some pretty babies.
“Claire, I didn’t mean it. It just slipped out. All these hormones in my system. I can’t think straight.”
I wave her off to let her know that I am not completely offended. Well at least not outwardly. Every time anyone brings up my pregnancy it chips away at the confidence that I have worked so hard at gaining.
Grabbing a lime, two bottles of water, and an apple juice out of the refrigerator, I walk over and hand the waters and juice to the girls. Walking back to the island, I proceed to cut the lime and squeeze it into my glass. I do my best imitation of ignorance.
“O.M.G. Zo! Are you not freaking horny right now? Ben actually told me to curb my urges. What man says that? I mean the man is a walking hormone. Normally he wants sex all the time, keeps him in the groove, whatever that means. And because I’m pregnant and he doesn’t want to hurt the baby, he thinks it’s okay to tell me to curb my appetites. I’m pregnant! I can’t control my bladder more less my sexual cravings. But do you hear him complain when my mouth is wrapped around his cock? Noo!” Suzie exclaims in an attempt to change the subject to their pregnancies.
They crack up at Suzie’s statement and the focus has shifted off of me and onto a subject these two love—sex. Zoey and Suzie’s antics lighten my heart. They are so outrageous whenever the topic of sex comes up. I never understood how anyone can enjoy the act, but I hope that one day I am as animated and excited about it as they are.
Grabbing some ice out of the freezer, I add some Kettle vodka to my rocks glass and pour in a splash of seltzer and some cherry limeade before rejoining the girls. I leave everything on the counter, because with these two I might need more than just one cocktail. I walk over to the sofa, skirting a dancing Ally who is watching some kid show on her iPad, and sit down next to Zoey.
Looking over at me in mid laugh, Zoey says, "Claire, what’s wrong? You got quiet," and nudges me with her foot. She is holding her belly and I am so freaking proud of her and all that she has overcome. To be able to forgive and move on isn’t something that I have been able to do.
I want to be able to embrace Jackson’s proclamation from earlier but I can’t. And what’s worse is I don’t know if it’s the hurt, anger, or fear that holds me back. But something is and it’s ultimately killing me slowly. Just another vice that I have to overcome.
Zoey is sitting there pleading with me to talk to her, to open up and allow her in and although I want to, desperately, something holds me back. So instead of letting my sister in, I lash out. Which is another reason that I have secluded myself from people over the years. No one deserves my mood swings.
Cocktail in hand, self-loathing words spill out of me like poison. "I'm empty, Zo. My heart hurts so much that I can barely breathe. I ache. I am jealous of everyone in my life and yet I can't allow myself to let anyone in to it. Everyone is moving on and I'm here—stagnant and alone. And worse, Jackson is offering me everything that I ever wanted and I can’t allow him in."
Struggling to get to me and unable to, Zoey has gone from jovial pregnancy sex talk right on into protective mode. “First of all, Bear, you will never be alone. We," she says, encompassing Suzy and me, “are a team. This right here is your home team. We might be married but make no mistake, we know exactly who raised us. And Sash, well that kid is so fucking loved we will be lucky if she ever leaves home.”
"You have Derrick and the babies. Sasha is graduating this year. What do I have besides work and Dallas? Tell me, Zoey!" I scream at my sister. "Tell me what I have to look forward to every morning and evening? Because coming home to an empty house and eating alone every day isn't a fucking life!"
Suzie has been sitting in her chair clutching Ally in her arms and has been unusually silent throughout my tirade. But it is her soft voice that finally hits me and brings me out of my self-imposed pity party. “You have us, Claire. You have Zoey, Sasha, Ally, Derrick, Ben and me. But most of all you have Jack. We all know that there is something there between the two of you. You,” she says, pointing at me, “Claire, have to allow him in. And he wants in. Please, allow yourself to be loved. If anyone deserves it, it’s you.”
Defeated by my friend’s words, I sink to the floor and lean against the couch. Suzie has a quiet, in your face, way about her. I know that I have to let Jackson in. I do, however, allowing him to see me at my weakest isn’t something that I am finding easy. Even though he has seen me at my ultimate worst.
I know that my sister and friend are correct, but how do you let someone in that reminds you of the broken person you were? Someone who picked you up off the floor in your tattered clothes barely hanging off your body. How do you love someone that witnessed your darkest and weakest moment?
“Okay, Suz, come get me off of this couch,” Zoey says as she has been struggling for the past several minutes to get up. “Fuck, I hate having to ask for help,” she says on a huff as Suzie helps her up.
“Oh you love the attention and you know it.”
Smiling the smile that means evil Zoey is coming out, Zoey says, “And if I can milk the attention for another few weeks I will. Derrick brings me chocolate chip cookies every day and doesn’t say one word when he walks in and I’m sitting on the couch watching Star Wars and eating cheese balls.”
“Bitch, you know how I love cheese balls! There is absolutely no need to rub it in that you can have them in your house,” Suzie says as she finally gets Zoey completely up and off the couch.
God they make me laugh with their antics. Lighter of heart and soul in general, I get off the floor and walk over to them and give them a “Claire-bear” hug.
“Be you, Claire. Not the Ice Queen. You,” Zoey says while drilling her index finger into my chest. “You have done your job with Sasha and me. Now it’s your time. Be happy.” She gives me a quick peck on the cheek, and follows Suzie and Ally out of my home.