I woke up early the next morning after a measly three hours of sleep. I felt like I’d been hit by a truck. My eye sockets hurt from so much crying, and my muscles panged with exhaustion. After I left the wedding, I wrote a cheque and left it on the porch for Julian to find, alongside his suitcase.

I’d been angry. Foolish and bull-headed.

I went downstairs. His suitcase was gone, but the envelope had been left behind.

The regret that filled me was monumental.

I’d been so upset that I’d acted impulsively and irrationally. Yes, I technically owed Julian that money, but it was the wrong way to go about it. It was cold and heartless, mean-spirited, but the way he ended our relationship had been cold and heartless, too. Sure, he’d seemed regretful, miserable even, but he still did it. He must’ve felt what was happening between us. It couldn’t have been all one-sided.

My stomach churned as I went into the living room and found my dad sitting on the couch. He looked tired, too, his hair ruffled, grey bags under his eyes. I felt terrible for ruining his wedding day. Well, maybe I didn’t exactly ruin it, but I definitely made it less than perfect.

“D-dad. What are you doing here? I thought you had a flight to catch.” He and Shayla were supposed to be spending two weeks in the Maldives for their honeymoon.

“It doesn’t leave for a few more hours,” he said and patted the space beside him. “Come here. We need to have a talk.”

Exhaling heavily, I went and sat next to him. I still wore my dress from yesterday, only now it was crumpled and stained with snot and tears. I may have used it to wipe my face during my middle of the night cry-athon.

“Dad, I’m so sorry I ran off yesterday. I just couldn’t face everyone after what Shayla said.”

He wrapped his arm around me and pulled me in tight. His warmth was a comfort I hadn’t known I needed.

“She shouldn’t have said what she did. I already had a word with her about it.”

I pulled back to look up at him in surprise. “You did?”

Dad let out a tired breath. “Shayla’s a good woman, Ellen. She’s good for me, and she is actually very fond of you, but believe it or not, tact is not her strong suit.”

She was fond of me? This was news.

“I was so embarrassed by what she said, Dad. You must think I’m pathetic.”

“Ellen, I would never think that. You’re my only daughter and I love you.”

I sniffed. “Yes, but…she made me sound like such a naïve idiot. Like a silly little girl being conned out of her money, when that couldn’t be further from the truth. Julian and I started out as friends. Yes, he’s an escort, but that doesn’t…” I paused, took a deep breath. “That doesn’t really have anything to do with what was between us. He’s helped me more than you could ever know.”

It was the truth. Whatever Julian and I had, it was real. No part of it was contrived, and there was nothing anyone could say to change that.

Or maybe I was just fooling myself. Maybe every woman he was with felt this way after he left them.

Dad pushed a strand of hair away from my face, his voice gentle. “Do you think I can’t see that? I can see the change in you, Ellen. You’re more confident than you’ve ever been.”

Hearing him say that meant a lot. It meant that the way Julian made me feel wasn’t all in my head. He really had helped me, even if he’d abandoned me in the end.

I blew my nose with a piece of tissue. “Yes, well, what Shayla said made Julian sound seedy, but I was a living a shell of a life before he came along. I couldn’t talk to people. I could barely handle it when customers came into the bookshop to make a purchase. I’ve been this way my entire life. I thought I was condemned to always be like that until Julian showed me the strength hidden inside me.”

Dad blinked, and it looked like he was holding back tears. In all my life, I’d only ever seen my father cry a handful of times, so to see that emotion in him now really did a number on me. He looked away, trying to get himself together.

“You remember what I was like as a kid?” I went on. “I couldn’t talk to anyone, and when I did, I went into panic mode every time. Over the years it’s gotten a little better, but not by much.” I let out a joyless laugh. “I must’ve been born defective or something.”

“Please don’t talk about yourself like that, Ellen. You went through so much, losing your mother.”

“But I don’t even remember her. When I look at pictures, I might as well be looking at a stranger.”

Dad fell silent and I studied him. He appeared to have something to say but was conflicted.

“Dad, what is it?”

He leaned forward and held his head in his hands, not replying. When he finally sat back, I got a chill down my spine, because there were horrors in his eyes, horrors and regrets and infinite sadness.

“I always told the three of you that your mother died in a car accident, because it was easier. There was no way to tell a child the truth. But then, as you grew older, it got even harder. I didn’t want to explain why I lied, so I just went on allowing you to believe it.”

Wait, what?

“You lied?” I asked in disbelief.

He looked miserable, but then, he seemed determined to see this through, to tell me the truth. My entire body tensed as if for a blow.

“I took Nick with me to work one Saturday, and your mother stayed home with you and Cameron. You were only a toddler, barely two years old, and Cameron was about to turn five. Three men broke into the house, intending to steal our valuables. I still don’t know exactly what happened, but the police pieced it together.”

He paused to draw breath, like the pain was still fresh. My heart pounded. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. All my life I’d known that certain facts were true, and now they were being flipped on their head.

When Dad spoke again, he took my hand in his. His warm palms were a soothing contrast to the awful story he told. “The police said your mother must’ve walked in on the thieves. One of them struck her on the head with a blunt object. They might not have intended to kill her, only incapacitate her, but the blow was fatal. It was hours before I got home with Nick and found you all. They’d tied Cameron up and locked him in the bathroom. He was shaken and traumatised, but he hadn’t witnessed his mother’s death, didn’t really know had happened. But you…”

“But I?” I prompted, heart in my throat. I had a sick feeling I knew what was coming, but I daren’t believe it.

“I found you on the floor, in the same room where your mother’s body lay lifeless, crying your eyes out. Up until that day, you had started to speak. Your development was on a level with any other two-year-old. You were just starting to form sentences. But after… after you went quiet, never spoke. For a full year you were silent, only making a sound when something upset you and you cried. When you finally did start talking again, it was only to me, Cameron, or Nick. With anyone outside the family, you were mute until after you started school.”

Tears rose to the surface. The very fact of who I was suddenly made sense after twenty-nine years of life. And Cameron, God, was this why he was so unhappy all the time? Were we still suffering from post-traumatic stress, even after all these years?

I stood and walked to the window, looking out at the view. I wrapped my arms around myself, feeling a chill, letting the facts my father had just revealed sink in. A vision of the break-in went through my head; Mum’s fear, my terror, and poor Cameron being tied up.

“What about the men who did it? Did they catch them?”

Dad exhaled. “Yes, several months later they caught them after another robbery a few towns away. They went to prison. It was a small justice when compared with the fact I’d lost my wife, the mother of my children.”

A tear fell down my cheek. “Oh, Dad.”

He sucked in a breath. “It was a long time ago, but sometimes the memory is still so fresh.”

I frowned sadly, then an awful thought struck. “Did it happen here?”

Dad rubbed a hand over his face. “No. I moved us away soon after your mum passed. It was too hard to stay in a place where such awful things had happened, and I…I feared someone might say something to you kids as you got older. Here, nobody knew us. It was a fresh start.”

“Good.” I was glad I hadn’t grown up there, and that my dad had the means to move us away. Still, my brothers needed to know the truth, and it had to be Dad who told them.

“You need to tell Nick and Cam,” I said quietly.

“I know, and I will when the time is right. I’m so sorry I never told you, Ellen. I’ve never been good at expressing my feelings, but I love you so much and I’ve only ever wanted what’s best for you. In my foolishness, I thought the lie was better for you than the truth.”

I turned to look at him. “Maybe it was better. I can’t imagine what it would’ve been like having that knowledge at a young age. It could’ve messed me up even worse.”

“You’re not angry?”

My heart clenched at the vulnerability in his eyes. “Why would I be angry? None of what happened is your fault. You tried to protect us. You were alone in the world with three small children and you did what you thought was best.”

“Ellen,” Dad choked on my name, his eyes shiny with unshed tears.

I returned to the couch and wrapped my arms around him. We stayed like that for several minutes, just holding each other. Dad had always been my pal and confidante, but he usually just let me talk. Now he’d been the one to reveal things and I felt closer to him than I’d ever been before.

“This Julian, I don’t know the full nature of your relationship, but I do know what a man looks like when he loves a woman, Ellen.”

I drew away. “Don’t say that, Dad. We’ve ended things, so telling me that only makes it hurt more.”

“Do you love him?” he asked.

“I…I don’t know. I feel like I do, but I don’t know exactly what love is supposed to feel like.”

“Is he the first person you want to see every morning, and the last you want to see at night? When you have news, is he the first person you want to tell?”

Yes, yes and yes.

Still, I shook my head. “I’m not sure. You’re being very understanding about all this, by the way.”

“Most of us, when we get to a certain age, we learn to stop judging people. You also want your children to be happy, no matter what. If he’s what makes you happy, Ellen, then that’s all I care about.”

He didn’t care about his profession?

Who was this open-minded man who talked freely about emotions, and what had he done with my stoic, awkward, manly man of a father?

“I don’t know what’s going to happen between us now,” I said sadly.

Dad rubbed my shoulders. “I’m always here if you need me, Ellen. And you can stay for as long as you like if you’re not ready to go back to London yet.”

I arched an eyebrow. “I’m not sure Shayla will be too happy to have me hanging around.”

“Shayla won’t mind.” Dad paused and sucked in a deep breath. “She’s very sorry for how she acted yesterday.”

“Yes, well, there’s nothing any of us can do to change it now.”

“She’s outside in the car. She’d like to apologize in person, if you’ll allow it.”

Oh, hell. Shayla was the last person I wanted to see right now, but the fact she’d waited outside in the car for the past hour made me feel bad. Not much, but a little. Then again, she deserved some discomfort after what she put me through.

“I don’t really want to see her, Dad.”

“That’s all right. You don’t have to.”

I looked at him and guilt ate at me. I didn’t want him going off on his honeymoon with this hanging over him, so I relented, emitting a long breath. “Fine. I’ll let her say her piece.”

I followed Dad outside. Shayla looked anxious when she saw us emerge. Good.

She got out of the car and came right over to me, as though to give me a hug. I stood back, my posture defensive. We definitely weren’t there yet. Not by a long shot.

“Oh, Ellen, I can’t apologise enough for my behaviour yesterday. You must think me a horrible woman.”

“I think you should’ve spoken to me privately. If you had, I would’ve been able to tell you that Julian had not taken advantage of me in any way. Whatever was between us, it was completely consensual and my own business as a grown, almost thirty-year-old woman.”

“You’re right. You’re old enough to know your own mind. But I know how much your father cares for you. He worries about you living in London all by yourself. I just got a little carried away, thinking I was doing the right thing. I hope you’ll find it in you to forgive me.”

My expression was hard. “It’s a bit early for forgiveness.”

She sniffled. “Yes, I understand. Maybe we can work towards it over time.”

I relented a little. “Maybe.”

“I’d like that, Ellen. And thank you for coming and hearing me out.”

I nodded, went to give Dad one last hug and wished him an enjoyable honeymoon.

After they left, I finally peeled off yesterday’s dress and climbed into the shower. The hot water washed away some of my tension, but I still felt torn open on the inside. Even if I did love Julian, he didn’t love me. Sure, he cared about me, but it wasn’t the same.

The idea that we were done shot an arrow through my insides. Then there was the story of what really happened to Mum. I had this constant pain in my stomach over it, imagining how terrified she’d been, how quickly you could end a life. My entire being ached, and I just wanted to fast-forward to a time when I didn’t feel this way anymore.

When I got out of the shower, I dried off and put on some clean pyjamas, planning to drown my sorrows in junk food and romcoms.

I’d just brought all my pillows and duvet down to the living room when the front door opened. Nick walked in, a paper bag in hand. “I’m here with breakfast, a sympathetic ear, and a shoulder to cry on. Any takers?”

I really did love him.

We sat and talked for hours. I told him everything, all about Elodie, and how I met Julian, the entire story of our relationship from beginning to end. Nick didn’t judge, instead he seemed fascinated with it all. He’d always thought he was the adventurous one in our family, the one who took chances, threw caution to the wind. But it seemed I had a bit of an adventurous streak in me, too.

“I can’t believe you hired a male escort, that’s just so…anti-Ellen.”

“Well, technically I didn’t hire him, because no money was ever exchanged.”

He chewed on his lip, and I sensed a confession coming on. “When I went to Amsterdam, I slept with a prostitute.”

My eyes widened. “You did?”

Nick nodded. “It was pretty rough. I came away feeling bad about the woman, bad about wanting to pay for sex in the first place, just plain bad about everything. I ended up paying her double what I originally owed.”

“Oh, Nick.”

“I had to. It was clear she was only doing it because she didn’t have another choice. But I don’t think that’s the case for everyone. From what you’ve told me of Julian, it sounds like his job is a personal choice. He actually gets something out of it.”

“Yes, I think you’re right,” I said, feeling both forlorn and jealous. Jealous of all the women who were going to have him now that we were over.

“If that’s true, then you just need to let him be who he is. You can’t change people, Ellen. You can’t make them want a white picket fence and a country cottage if they’d prefer a balcony with a city view.”

“It just hurts. Letting him go hurts so bad, Nick,” I said and dropped my head on his shoulder.

“I know, Els. But it’ll get better, I promise. Time heals all wounds.”

I stayed at Dad’s for almost two weeks until he and Shayla were due back from their honeymoon. I told myself it was time to get back to reality. Bernice had been taking care of Skittles and Rainbow for me, and it was definitely time to relieve her of her duties. Besides, I missed my birds.

They didn’t even know how lucky they were to have a partner for life, a little friend to be by your side for all your days.

During my stay at Dad’s, I’d thrown myself into my book. I didn’t check my emails, barely even looked at my phone. Instead, I wrote. Emotion had built up inside me and it needed an outlet. As such, the final Sasha Orlando book was turning out to be very tumultuous. All of my feelings these past two weeks became her feelings. I couldn’t help it. Writing the story was like therapy.

From the start of the series, Sasha developed a close friendship with Toby, her boss at the newspaper. Over time, they started to have feelings for one another, but because they’re both seeing other people, and also because it would be unprofessional, they keep their relationship platonic. I’d never originally planned for them to get together, but there was a large contingent of readers who shipped Sasha & Toby, and I wanted to finally give them their happy ending. I’d even written a sex scene. A real, detailed, unadulterated sex scene!

Anyway, it seemed that immersing myself in a fictional happily ever after helped me forget about the lack of one in my own life.

When I arrived at my house, Skittles and Rainbow went apeshit. I know it’s hard to picture lovebirds going apeshit, but just picture them flying all over the place, tweeting like mental, nipping at my hair, and pooping on my shoulder.

I had to change my shirt afterward.

I steeled myself to finally check my emails and missed calls. There were several from Daniel, a couple of texts from Suze wondering where I was and to let her know I was okay asap, but nothing from Julian.

I shouldn’t be mad at him for not trying to contact me, since I hadn’t tried to contact him either, but it still stung. Things between us really were over and I needed to start accepting it. Getting my heart to accept it was half the battle.

My guilt over Suze ate away at me until finally, I decided to bite the bullet. I needed to come clean to her, and then she could decide whether or not she still wanted to be my friend. It was Monday, so I texted her back, apologising for the radio silence, and said I would meet her the next morning at the café.

Her response came not long after.

Suze: Okay, but I want an explanation for why I haven’t heard from you, lady!

Damn, this wasn’t going to be easy. But I had to be brave, otherwise I’d spend the rest of my life hiding, and I was sick of it, sick of keeping track of lies.

The following morning, I didn’t put on a lick of makeup, no wig, or fancy outfit. No mask. Instead I wore jeans and a T-shirt, my hair pulled into a ponytail, glasses firmly in place.

I walked into the Polka Dot Café, a lump in my throat when I spotted Suze at our usual table. She scrolled on her phone and sipped a latte. My hands shook, and my pulse thrummed as I walked up to the table, pulled out a chair and sat. Suze’s eyes flicked up from her phone.

“Sorry, but I’m waiting for someone.”

“Suze, it’s m-me,” I stammered, staring her dead in the eye. Not too much eye contact, Ellen. You don’t want to come across like any more of a crazy person.

She blinked, frowned, then shook her head. She stared at me for a long moment, taking in my hair and eyes, how different I looked but with Elodie’s face.

“I…I’m not sure what’s going on here,” she said, clearly perplexed.

“I’m Elodie.”

She was still openly staring at me. “Right.”

“But my real name is actually Ellen,” I said and scratched nervously at my wrist.

“Okaaay,” she drew out the word as she let that sink in.

“You probably think I’m a complete nutjob.”

“Um, I’m just a little…confused, I guess. Are you some kind of catfish?”

The lump in my throat hardened, because that’s basically what I was. I just hadn’t employed the internet to pretend to be someone else, I’d done it in real life. I couldn’t tell if that was better or worse.

“In a sense, yes.”

Suze looked out the window, head bobbing up and down. “Right,” she said again.

A moment of awkward silence fell. I didn’t know what else to say. Suze stood from the table. “This is a little weird, so, uh, I’m going to leave now.”

I deflated at her departure. This had gone so badly. She’d already reached the door of the café when I jumped to my feet and went after her, stepping out into the street.

“Wait, let me explain. If you still don’t want to know me after, then I’ll leave you alone, I promise,” I called out.

She was a few feet away when she stopped, turned around and walked back to me. “I guess it would be good to understand why you did this.”

I sucked in a breath, nodding. “I want to tell you.”

She blew out a breath and placed a hand on her hip. The awkwardness between us was palpable. I think it might’ve been better if she just got angry, at least that wouldn’t feel so unbearable. “Well, should we go back inside?” she asked, eyebrows lifting.

I inhaled deeply. “I live not too far from here. If you want, we can go to my house and I’ll explain everything.”

Suze was hesitant. “I’m not sure going to your house is the best idea.”

“True, but I promise I’m not some kind of serial killer. I just think if you see where I live, then you’ll be able to better understand why I did this.”

She stared at me for another long moment, seeming to conclude I wouldn’t harm her. Besides, without my heels, she was a good few inches taller than me. And she worked out. If it came to it, Suze could definitely take me in a fight.

“Fine. You have twenty minutes and then I have to get back to work.”

We started on the short walk to my house. “Thank you for giving me a chance.”

She chewed her lip, glancing at me speculatively. “You better not blow it.”

“I won’t.”

Suze folded her arms, her body language a little defensive. “So, why did you do it? What was in it for you?”

I swallowed, readying myself to explain. “This is going to sound bizarre, but the night we first met, I’d just won a makeover at a drag show. That’s why I wasn’t dressed as myself. I didn’t go out with the intention of fooling you, but we just got talking and I felt so much more confident to pretend. My real self would never go to a bar and befriend someone like you, Suze. My real self had problems leaving the house, if I’m being honest.”

Something about what I said made her eyes soften. She looked like she felt a little sorry for me now. “So, you’re what, an agoraphobe?”

“Not quite. I do leave the house. But I’ve always had issues interacting with strangers, and people in general. Being Elodie helped me break free of that. Your friendship meant a lot to me. I knew it was wrong to lie, but I selfishly didn’t want to let you go.” When I looked at her, my eyes were full of a thousand apologies.

She folded her arms, let them fall to her sides, then refolded them again. “This is all a lot to take in. You should’ve just told me who you really were. I still would’ve wanted to get to know you.”

I wasn’t so sure about that, but I didn’t argue with her.

“I’m so sorry I did this to you. You didn’t deserve to be lied to, but really, being your friend, seeing you every week, and talking with you brightened my day. You’re so cool, Suze, and you’re kind and talented and strong. You’re the sort of person all women want as a best friend.”

I stopped talking when we reached my place. Suze was silent as I pulled out my keys and slotted them in the door.

“You live here?” she asked, sounding surprised.

I nodded and led her inside. Her attention went to the mural I’d painted on the walls. She ran her hand over it and asked, “Did you do this?”

“Yes, I, um, have a lot of free time on my hands.”

I walked into the kitchen and she followed, gasping when she saw Skittles and Rainbow in their pretty antique cage, the cherry blossom fanning out on the wall behind them. For a second, I saw my house through her eyes, and it was pretty magical. I’d put a lot of time into making it a haven, and it was certainly that.

“How can you afford all this?” she asked, and it was a valid question. This was London, and a highly sought-after neighbourhood at that. It didn’t come cheap.

“I’m an author. I write books,” I replied. It was one of the first times I’d offered the information freely and it felt good. I definitely wasn’t the old Ellen anymore.

“You do? Which books?”

“Have you heard of the Sasha Orlando series?”

Suze blinked at me. “Yes, I, um, I have. I’ve never read them, but those books are everywhere. Wow, Elodie. I mean, uh, Ellen.”

I swallowed and tugged on my sleeve, frowning as I confessed, “A lot of the stories I told you, they’re actually from my books.”

Her eyebrows jumped. “You made them up?”

“Yes. I want to apologise for that, too. For lying.”

Suze looked around, then back to me. “I guess you get points for being inventive.”

A moment of quiet fell before I asked, “Would you like some tea?”

She turned to me, seeming to surprise even herself when she replied, “Yes, I would like some.”

I went to put the kettle on as she stepped up to the birdcage. “They’re very pretty.”

“Their names are Rainbow and Skittles. They’re lovebirds,” I said.

“How long have you had them?”

“Almost six years.” I was so relieved that she was making conversation and not leaving and telling me where to stick my friendship.

“Ellen?”

“Yes?”

“Why are you coming clean about all this now?” She was clearly trying to understand my motivations.

I exhaled heavily. “I guess I just got sick of hiding. I don’t want to pretend anymore.”

“So, you want to start over?”

“If you’ll allow it, yes. I’d like to be your friend as me. As Ellen.”

A small smile shaped her mouth as she pulled out a chair. “In that case, you better start talking. I want to know everything, and leave nothing out.” She paused as her eyes wandered around the room. “I have a feeling Ellen is a lot more interesting than Elodie ever was.”

The relief that hit me was monumental. I hadn’t realised just how much I’d wanted Suze’s acceptance. She was one of the few friends I had in this world and losing her would’ve hurt.

So, I finished making the tea, sat down across from her and started to talk.

“I have big news,” Daniel declared as soon as I picked up the phone. After Suze left, I finally got around to returning his calls.

“Oh? What kind of big news?”

“We’ve had another offer come in about purchasing the film rights for the Sasha Orlando series. And before you say no, just listen. I think you’ll like this offer.”

I had a feeling I already knew where the offer had come from. After meeting Damon Atwood at Julian’s flat and hearing him speak so passionately about turning my books into films, I’d certainly been convinced he could do them justice. At the time, he had no clue he was talking to the author herself, which only worked to convince me further.

“I’m sure you’ve heard of the actor, Damon Atwood,” Daniel went on. “Well, he plans on making his directorial debut and—”

“Have your people draw up a contract and I’ll take a look,” I said, cutting him off.

“Wait, what?” I’d clearly surprised him. “Um, do you mean to say you’re interested? Because I had a whole spiel ready and I definitely didn’t think you’d agree so easily.”

“Well, I’ve finally decided it’s time for Sasha to meet the big screen, but I want to write the screenplay, or at least be a part of the team writing it. That’s my only condition.”

“In that case, I’ll get right to work,” Daniel replied. He sounded overjoyed, which was expected given the commission he was going to earn on this deal.

The following week I was working a shift at the bookshop when Rose walked in. Just the sight of her made my chest hurt, made me remember how much I missed and yearned for Julian. His absence in my life was marked, but I wasn’t going to force myself on someone who didn’t want to be with me.

“Hi, Ellen,” she greeted with a wave then went to peruse the shelves.

“H-hello, Rose,” I replied and endeavoured to concentrate on the magazine I was reading. It was no use though. I wanted to grab her and demand she tell me everything about Julian. I wanted to know if he missed me like I missed him. But then, what if he didn’t? That knowledge would just make me feel worse.

A few minutes later she approached the counter with a copy of The Catcher in the Rye. “I know it’s shameful, but I’ve never read it. Damon said I should. It’s one of his favourites. Speaking of which, he’s over the moon you’ve agreed to enter into talks about the film rights for Sasha.”

I gave a small smile. “Well, I was very impressed when I heard him talk about it that time at…” I faltered before I could finish the sentence and her eyes softened. A few moments of quiet passed between us before she spoke.

“Julian has never been an easy person,” she said, almost like a confession. “We’ve been each other’s only family since we were kids, and well, I know him better than anyone.”

“You don’t have to—”

“I want to,” she insisted. “I want you to hear this, because of all the women he’s had, I’ve never seen him so miserable as he’s been these last few weeks after leaving you.”

He was miserable? A part of me rejoiced, but another part felt awful. I didn’t ever want him to be sad, even though I really wanted him to miss me.

“Julian has always been full of light, despite a lot of suffering in his life. It’s miraculous when you think about it. My mother passed away when I was still a teenager, and if it wasn’t for Julian looking out and caring for me, I don’t know where I might’ve ended up. We had nothing, and he resorted to selling his body to feed and clothe us. He took that bullet so I didn’t have to, and as a result, I will always love him, no matter what.”

The thought of the two of them being so helpless, with nowhere to turn, made my heart heavy.

“You might not realise it, but he’s the most selfless person you will ever meet. Everything he does is for others. I’ve seen him change lives. He just has this way of influencing people. I’m sure you’ve felt it for yourself.”

“Yes,” I whispered. “He definitely changed me.”

Her eyes grew glossy. “The thing is, you changed him, too.”

I looked away, sniffling. “I’m not so sure about that.”

“But you did. Do you know he’s stopped working? Even before he ended things with you, he wasn’t himself with any of his clients. He doesn’t know it, and he’d probably deny it if asked, say it was passing infatuation, but he was falling in love with you, Ellen.”

All at once, the air left my lungs. “Then why did he leave me?”

“Because he was frightened. You have to understand, Julian has always resigned himself to being unlovable, or to being loved temporarily. It’s a crutch he uses so that he never has to invest in one person, never has to have his heart broken. His mother was a careless woman. She loved him in her own way, but she struggled with depression, so her love never really came across. In the years when Julian lived with her, she went from one partner to the next. She cheated on most of the people she was with, and that’s all Julian ever saw. He never saw a loving, monogamous relationship. When he grew up, he took on the same behaviour, but he’s not the same as his mum. He’s not careless. If anything, he cares too much. He gives all of himself away and leaves nothing just for him.”

“He said he thought it was for the best that we end things. That it would hurt at first, but in the long run I’d see he was right.”

Rose’s bright blue eyes turned sad. “He’s pushing you away. I’ve tried to reason with him, but he won’t listen. He’s been staying with Damon and I on the island. We just got back to London last night.”

“I don’t know what to do, Rose. I…” my cheeks flushed as I swallowed. “I want to be with him, but he doesn’t want to be with me. Or at least, that’s what he’s telling himself.”

She reached out to squeeze my hand. “Julian doesn’t respond well to being pressured. Give him time. I think he’ll come around eventually. He’s too smart not to.”

I stared into her kind, caring eyes, so grateful that she’d come to talk to me. But the thing was, I deserved better than to wait around. I understood that Julian viewed himself a certain way, that he didn’t believe he could be loved unconditionally, loved forever, but how could he not see that was how I felt for him? How could he be so wilfully blind?

I was torn in two over this.

One part of me yearned for Julian, was heartbroken for all the suffering he’d been through, but the other part was angry. Running away from love was the coward’s route, and though he might need time, I wasn’t going to hang about the house, pining and waiting for him to come looking for me.

For years I’d been trying to build up the courage to go travelling. I’d just submitted my book to my editor, so I now had the free time not to mention the funds to finally tick an item off my bucket list. I’d wasted so much time, entire decades of my life inside my room, making up stories but never experiencing life firsthand.

When I got home after my shift, I opened up my laptop, navigated to a travel website and started to make some plans.