Nineteen
Axelle
I emerge from the bathroom a lifetime later.
It’s not an exaggeration.
From the moment those double pink lines showed up not once, not twice, but on all three pregnancy tests, the old Axelle Rose Daniels died.
I didn’t cry or mourn the loss of the old me. If anything, I expected it. If these last four years have taught me anything, it’s that anything can happen, probably will, and most likely will suck.
So that’s it.
There’s no poetic way to say it.
No justifying why it happened.
It’s simple.
I’ve ruined my life.
“I’m pregnant with Clifford’s baby.” I toss the positive pregnancy tests on the couch next to Killian as he cuddles my brother watching Thomas the Tank Engine.
His eyes dart to the tests, slide up to mine, then focus back on the TV.
And that’s it.
That. Is. It.
I scoop up the tests and shove them into my backpack along with the brown paper bag that’s now filled with the empty boxes. Without feeling, I drop hard onto a barstool and stare at my mom’s Cuisinart.
I don’t know how much time passes. I’m unable to move, to talk, to think. All I can do is trace the letters of the word Cuisinart over and over with my eyes.
So when the garage door sounds from my right, I startle.
“Yo, kiddo.” Blake crosses to me and puts me in a headlock from behind, kissing the top of my head. “Where’s Killer?”
I don’t know. “With Jack.”
Blake moves to the living room, and I overhear him exchanging a greeting with my old best friend possibly ex-boyfriend. For the first time since I saw those two pink lines, I feel something like pain slicing through my heart and sucking the air from my lungs.
“…still think you’re an idiot to pass that up.” Blake crosses to the refrigerator with Jack in his arms. “One year and you’d be a UFL champ.”
I blink and focus on Blake just as Killian drops into the stool next to me.
Blake hands my brother a Go-Gurt and sets him down. “Cam explained what Bates would be doing today at the meeting. Had Rex practically jumping on the balls of his feet to get over there.”
“Over where?” The question flies from my lips with a tinge of irritation attached to it because it seems like they’re talking about something important and yet it’s the first I’ve ever heard of it.
“You didn’t tell her?” Blake’s eyes are focused on Killian.
He shrugs. “Why would I?”
“Oh fuck, man, I don’t know, maybe because she’d talk some sense into your dumb ass.”
I swivel around and take in Killian, who has his chin dropped to his chest. “What’s he talking about?” I whisper.
He licks his lips, lifts his head, but still doesn’t look at me. “It’s nothing.”
“Nothing?” Blake’s arms tense at his sides. “How can you say it’s nothing? I mean, ’cause fuck me, I thought you wanted to be a UFL fighter.”
“Blake, I do, but—”
“So you pass up the opportunity to fight in London for one year and get a shot at a title fight representing your fucking country?”
“What? When did this happen?” Excitement, pride, and devastation war within, and it’s fucked-up combination leaves me dizzy. “You had a chance for all that and you said no?”
He runs two hands over his face and groans. “No, it wasn’t like that.”
Blake makes a disgusted sound, and I lean in to Killian. “Cross your heart, remember?”
He sighs hard, and then for the first time since this morning, his eyes meet mine. “Yes. Okay? I had the opportunity, but I turned it down. Happy?”
“No, fuck…” I shake my head. “No, I’m not happy. Killian, you should go.”
“I knew you’d say that,” he mumbles.
“Because you know it’s the right thing to do.”
“I don’t want to—”
“Why not!”
“Because—”
“Because why?”
“Because of you, alright?”
I jerk away from him with a gasp.
His gaze slides between me and a stunned-looking Blake. “I don’t want to leave you, Ax.”
I open my mouth to either scream at him for being an idiot or to confess my undying love. I’m not sure, so I shut my mouth and stare.
He tilts his head, only looking at me from the corner of his eye. “A year away, anything could’ve happened, and”—he sighs—“I didn’t want to miss my chance.”
Blake’s standing back, eyes narrowed on Killian when the front door opens and my mom’s hollered “I’m home!” comes filtering into the kitchen.
I duck my chin as frustration bubbles to the surface. Killian never should’ve made this decision based on me. Guilt settles heavily over my shoulders and I slump into myself. As if I don’t have enough to feel like shit about, now I can pat myself on the back for ruining the career of the man I love, who, now that I’m fucking pregnant with another man’s baby, I’ve already lost anyway.
“Hey, guys.” My mom moves through the kitchen with a squirming Jack in her arms. She must sense the tension because she sidles up to Blake. “What’s going on?”
Jack manages to squirm free and toddle back to his toys in the living room.
Blake slings his arm around mom’s shoulder and pulls her in for a hug. “Nothing, Mouse. It’s all good.” He goes on to ask her how her appointment was, compliments her on her hair, and small talks her to distraction.
The air between Killian and me strains with what needs to be said. My mind tumbles in a thousand different directions, and not one of them leads me to a happy ending.
I’ve disappointed every single person I love, and they don’t even know it yet. I’ve signed away the rest of my life by getting pregnant, and I’ll have to face Clifford, that asshole, and beg him to be part of our baby’s life.
And my mom…fuck. She’ll be crushed. My entire life she warned me against making the same mistakes she did. She swore I was the best thing that ever happened to her but always piggybacked that with a strict “Don’t throw your life away like I did” speech.
This is going to kill her.
Nausea sweeps through me, and I brace my forearms on the counter resting my forehead on them and breathing through the tightness in my throat. A warm hand immediately comes to my comfort, rubbing up and down my spine in soothing strokes.
Killian.
God, I’m going to miss him.
“Baby, are you okay?” My mom comes to my side and pushes my hair away to place her hand on the back of my neck.
I nod, but the lump in my throat grows bigger.
“She sick?” Blake whispers the question to Killian, who must reply in a non-verbal of some kind.
“Let me grab you some medicine for your stomach.” My mom shifts away.
“No.” The single word grates from my throat. I push up and meet Killian’s eyes. At first, his expression seems shocked, as if he knows what I’m about to do, but then his face morphs to understanding and finally approval.
“Kiddo, listen to your mom.” Blake moves around the counter and presses his palm to my forehead. “Take something and get some rest.”
“I can’t take anything.”
Killian shifts to stand at my back, and the supportive move catches Blake’s attention as well as my mom’s. They stare between us.
“Why not?” My mom’s eyes narrow as she studies me.
I sigh and resign to the inevitable. “Because I’m pregnant.”
My mom gasps and rocks back on her heels as if the news was a punch to the gut. “No.” Her eyes glisten, and her trembling fingers press against her quivering lips.
The fury rolling off Blake is so intense I’m afraid to look at him. “Explain.”
“Pretty sure you understand the mechanics—”
“This isn’t a fucking joke, Axelle! Who the hell did it?”
I meet his eyes and wish I hadn’t. It’s not fury I’m seeing in his green glare; it’s unadulterated disappointment. “I’d rather not say until—”
“You’d rather not say?” He scowls at Killian. “You know, don’t you? Who the fuck got my girl pregnant?”
My mom places a palm on Blake’s chest. “Blake, calm down—”
He swings his glare to her, and his face softens when he sees a single tear trace down her cheek. “Fuckin’ hell.” He turns toward me. “How could you do this? You fucking know better!”
“It was a mistake.”
“You’re damn right it was a mistake.” He seems to be getting angrier and pushes in front of my mom to stand less than a foot from me. “Who did it?”
“I don’t want to say.”
“Why not!”
Because I’m embarrassed. Humiliated.
“You’ve made this man a father and you can’t even tell me his name?”
“I didn’t make him a father, Blake. He was there too.”
“Shit, Axelle, does he even have a job? Can he afford to take care of you and this baby? Have you thought about any of this?”
“No,” I whisper.
“How are you guys going to do this on your own? You’re twenty-fucking-years-old! You can pretty much screw getting an education.” He rips his hands through his cropped hair. “God, Axelle…” His voice breaks. “I wanted so much better for you.”
My mom sobs behind him, her shoulders shaking and tears streaming down her face. Her tears only make him madder.
“Who did this to you!” He roars in my face.
I shy away from his anger just as Killian’s hands settle firmly on my shoulders.
“I did.”
The entire room goes still. Static blares in my ears.
Blake’s head swivels in slow motion to stare blankly at Killian. “What did you say?”
Killian moves from my back to my side and pulls my hand into his. “It’s mine. The baby, I mean.”
What the fuck is he doing?
I stare up at him and gape.
“I’m sorry. We didn’t mean for this to happen, but it did.” He squeezes my hand firmly. “I’m going to take care of them.”
“Killian, no—”
“Blake, I’ve loved Axelle from the day I met her. I want to marry her and start a family. This is sooner than I expected, but it doesn’t change what I want.”
“You got my daughter pregnant,” Blake growls through clenched teeth and takes a step forward.
“She’s pregnant, yes, and I’m in love with her.”
I jump to my feet. “No, Killian’s not—”
“You son of a bitch!” Blake’s fist whizzes by me and cracks Killian in the jaw.
His hand is ripped from mine as he falls to the ground.
“No!”
Blake follows him down and straddles him. His arms fly, but he’s not punching him as much as he’s slapping Killian’s face. He doesn’t even put up a fight but allows Blake to punish him for my mistake.
“Stop!” I race to Killian, drop to my knees, and shield him with my body. One of Blake’s palms smacks my upper arm, but it’s nothing more than a quick sting of pain.
“Blake, no! You’re going to hurt her!” My mom pulls at Blake, and he easily hops to his feet.
Killian’s cheeks are red, and the space below his left eye is already turning a sickening shade of purple.
“Look what you did to him!”
“He deserves worse!” Blake looms over us, his eyes no bigger than slits and filling with tears. “I trusted you with her!”
Killian pushes up to sitting and rests his arms on his cocked knees. “I love her.”
“If you loved her, you’d protect her!” Blake wipes his eye with a thumb.
I push to stand and put myself between Blake and Killian. “He does protect me! That’s all he’s ever done since I’ve known him! God, he gave up a dream opportunity to be close to me, Blake! This isn’t Killian’s fault—”
“He should’ve taken care of you.”
“He did!” I motion to Killian, who’s on the floor with his head between his hands. “He still is! Killian is not this baby’s father! He’s taking responsibility for me, and you hit him for it!”
All eyes go to Killian.
“Can’t you see what he’s doing? He’s protecting me even now.”
“Killian didn’t get you pregnant?” Blake’s shoulders slump a little and tension falls from his muscles.
“No, up until two nights ago, I was dating someone else.”
“Dating someone? Why didn’t you tell us?” my mom says between sniffles.
“He wasn’t someone I was proud of, and it turns out… I was right not to be.”
Blake scrubs his face with his hand. “Fuck.” He moves to Killian and offers him a hand. “I’m sorry, Killer.”
Killian glares between Blake’s hand and his face and finally grabs hold and allows Blake to pull him to his feet. Blake grabs an ice pack from the freezer and wraps it in a clean dishtowel then hands it to Killian, who accepts it graciously and presses it to his cheek.
“Da-da?” The tiny whispered word comes from around the corner where Jack is peeking in with wide and teary eyes.
Blake jumps and moves to his son. “Hey…” He scoops him up and cradles him to his chest. “I’m sorry, bud. Everything’s okay.” He continues to soothe Jack by taking him out of the kitchen and back towards the bedrooms.
My mom looks between Killian and me and then follows behind Blake to disappear down the hallway.
Silence expands between us until I can’t stand the awkwardness for another second. I brace myself and face him, pulling up every bit of strength I have left just to meet his troubled gaze. “You shouldn’t have done that.”
“I meant it. All of it. I want to take care of you.”
“Yeah, well, take a number.” I fist my hair in my hands and attempt to sort my thoughts.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means that it’s time I started taking care of myself.” I should’ve done it years ago, but I was so wrapped up in feeling sorry for myself I allowed everyone else to feel sorry for me too. “God, I’m such a mess.”
He reaches out and covers my hand with his. “Ax, you don’t have to go through this alone.”
“Yes, I do.” I sigh and turn to my best friend, his swollen eye a painful reminder of why I can’t accept his offer. “Killian, you made a mistake by falling in love with me. If you’re smart, you’ll take the European thing and go. I have nothing to offer you if you stay.”
~*~
Killian
Damn.
That hurts.
I’d rather take a thousand hits from Blake than hear her utter another word in that blank tone that’s heavy with finality.
I just offered her my life. I stood before her parents and laid claim to that fuckface Clifford’s baby. I would’ve raised the kid as if he or she were my own because that baby growing in her belly is half Axelle, and, for me, that’s more than enough.
I’d work my ass off to get fights, do whatever it took to provide for her and our baby. Yeah, I laid all that shit out there and she rejected me, threw the idea out as if it wasn’t as desirable as the alternative.
A life attached to Clifford.
“What we had these last couple days…” I move to her and cup her cheeks. “We can have that again.”
She shakes her head in my hold and closes her eyes. “Everything’s changed.”
“Not the things that matter. I’m still in love with you.”
Her hands come to mine, and for a moment, I see our future unfold: her baby in my arms as I stare down with the love of a father and our lives intertwined forever. I could have her, all of her, take care of her as long as we both shall live.
She gazes up at me with tears in her eyes. “I have so many regrets, Killian, but this, this right here, will prove to be my biggest. I’ve taken a lot of help over the years; you’ve been there through all of it. I won’t let you sacrifice your future for me.” She steps back. “Go to Europe.”
My vision shatters. “I don’t want to. I want to stay with you.” Desperate to hold her close, knowing I’m about to lose her, I pull her to my body. “Marry me. Let me have you and this baby. Please.”
She grips my shirt at my chest, clinging to me. “I can’t. As much as I want to, I can’t take the easy way out this time.”
My throat gets tight and my eyes burn.
“You saw what I went through with Stewart, how much it fucked me up finding out that the man I thought was my dad really wasn’t. I can’t do that to this baby. I refuse to do it.”
“No one will ever know.”
She pulls away and peers up at me with a shaky smile. “Of course they will, and if not in the next few years, they will eventually. And when the kid is sixteen and trying to figure out where he or she fits in the world and finds out you’re not the biological father…” She shakes her head. “No, I have the power to make things right for this baby, and I’m going to do it.”
I push back and put distance between us, disgust rolling through me. “So you’re going back to Clifford? You and him going to take a crack at it? You’ll be his barefoot little wife waiting on him hand and foot while he’s off fucking half of Las Vegas?”
“Of course not!”
“Then what’s your plan?”
She blinks. “I… I don’t know. I just found out I’m pregnant two hours ago!”
“So that’s it. You’re putting an end to what we have?”
She wraps her arms around her waist. “I won’t be responsible for ruining your life.”
I throw my arms out. “You’re not listening! You are my life! All I’ve ever wanted is you!”
“That’s not true. You’re a UFL fighter, Kill. What do you think would happen if I took you up on your offer to take care of us, huh? Five years down the road when you’re still busting your ass to get fights and missing training because the kid is sick? Or what if I want to get my degree, and you end up being Daddy Daycare so I can take college courses. You’d grow resentful, and knowing you, you’d carry it around never saying shit, until one day you’d be forty and looking at me and you’d realize then I wasn’t worth it.”
“Bullshit! Don’t put your insecurities on me, Ax. I’ll always think you’re worth it. The only person around you who doesn’t think you’re worth it is you!”
A tear drips from her eyes. “And Stew and Trip and Clifford, and a string of other guys who let me go without a fight.”
I spit out a laugh and shake my head. “And yet here I am. This whole time I’ve been here fighting for you every fucking second of every damn day, and you’re the one who’s letting me go.”
Her face crumbles and she cries. “Don’t you see? Whatever you think I am, I’m not. You’ll see it eventually; they all do.”
I bury my hands into her hair and force her eyes to mine. The heat of our breath mingles as our lips are mere inches apart. “Then don’t let me go, Axelle.” I press a soft kiss against her lips, tasting the salt of her tears. “Please”—I close my eyes and pray she hears—“don’t let me go.”
Her hands come to my wrists and hold me there. Seconds pass and she continues to clutch me to her. “I love you, Killian. Nothing will ever change that.”
Hope explodes in my chest until all too soon she steps back out of my hold. “No,” I whisper.
She shakes her head and tears fall from her jaw to her shirt. “Don’t hate me.”
I want to say I could never, but as a single hot stream tracks down my cheek, something dark expands in my chest. A billowing riot of outrage, heartache, and defeat swells until something inside me breaks. I can almost hear the audible snap as everything I’ve been holding back rushes to the surface and I see Axelle through new eyes.
She no longer resembles the girl I fell in love with, the woman I’ve come to adore. Now she’s just a girl who broke my heart.
And fuck her for that.
Numbly, I move through the kitchen and past her. I’m not surprised when she does nothing to stop me. I pass through the living room and to the door with my head down. I don’t know if Blake and Layla are nearby, but it doesn’t matter. I have nothing to say to them.
I open and shut the door calmly, move to my Jeep, and fire up the engine. When I back out of the driveway, I’m hit with the scent of her perfume that still lingers in the vehicle, and just as I’d do to air out any smell, I roll the windows down.
Pulling my phone from the center console, I hit my contacts list, find the name I’m looking for, and hit “send.”
“Killian…” The growled greeting hits my ear, and again I feel nothing.
“What time does my plane leave for London tomorrow?”
Cam grunts. “It’s not. You turned it down, remember?”
“I had a change of heart.” Or death of heart.
“Sorry. Spot’s been taken.”
“Right.” I turn left to hop on the freeway. “I want it back.”
“Fuck,” he mumbles. “When did you get so fucking stubborn?”
“Just give me a time, Cam, and I’ll be there.”
“You get a passport?”
“I did.”
He blows out a breath and, after a couple beats of silence, says, “United. Flight leaves at seven twenty tomorrow morning.”
“Tell Rex I’ll meet him at the gate.”
I hit “end” and toss my phone to the passenger seat.
Still, I feel nothing.