CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Darby
I talked to Alex the next day after breakfast. He was in a strange mood. It wasn't like Alex to be moody, but that was the way I would describe him that morning.
“Alex?” I frowned. “What's up?”
“Nothing,” he said. He was eating muesli. It was ten A.M. and my aunt, uncle and mom were in town. My cousins were on the ranch somewhere. We were alone together.
I wondered for a horrible minute if he had guessed my guilty secret. I tensed.
“Alex?”
“What? Listen, Darbs, I'm just tired, okay?”
“Okay,” I shrugged. “I was just wanting to ask if you're mad at me?”
“Mad at you?” he stared at me. “Why, Darbs? Why would I be?”
I looked into the depths of my mug. “I don't know.”
He sighed. “I'm not mad at you, Darbs. It's just...I dunno. I feel dumb, is all.”
“You,” I said. “You feel dumb? About what, Alex?”
He sighed. “In the past, when I was at school, I...” He stopped. “No. It's fine.”
“What, Alex?” I asked. Now I was really worried.
He looked at me. “I said, it's fine. Leave it. Please?”
I sighed. “Okay.”
We sat in silence for a bit. He finished his breakfast, I drank coffee. I looked up at him.
“You got plans for today?”
He shrugged. “I dunno. Go for a ride? Read? Take a walk?”
“Mm,” I nodded. “Good things to do out here.”
“Yeah.” He nodded. “Listen, Darbs. I'm sorry. Okay. Really sorry. I just... I've got a lot to think about, okay?”
“Okay,” I agreed.
I went out after a while, heading to the backyard.
Out in the fresh morning air, I let myself wonder what exactly was bothering Alex.
I remembered a time when he was in college – he went to an exclusive college out of town and I only saw him when term ended – he had been really weird. He'd gone quiet for about a month. He'd never told anyone what happened.
I wonder what happened.
None of us had even the vaguest idea about it. Mom had been worried enough to confide in me that she thought about getting in a therapist. I had been thirteen at the time and not aware enough of anything going on around me to process it.
Now, I wondered if Mom hadn't had a good idea. It was about time I confronted Mom, actually. She had been hovering on the edge of my thoughts, making me feel bad.
I should talk to her. She must be concerned, well she’s my mother after all.
I got my chance later. Alex and Uncle were going round the fields, Aunt was cooking. Mom was in the garden alone. I took my tea out to join her.
“Mom?”
“Darby! Sweetie.”
I sat down with her on the bench.
“Mom, I know I've been weird the last few days,” I began. She shook her head.
“It's okay, Darbs. I know. You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to. I'm not a policeman.”
I laughed. It was what she said when we were kids. The words twisted my heart with bittersweet memory. I wished I was a kid again, suddenly, that life was as simple as whether or not I could go with Claudia to go rollerskating.
“I know,” I said. “I wish I could tell you what was wrong. If I understood it myself, I would,” I promised. “But right now, it's not me I'm worried about.”
“Who, sweetheart?”
“It's Alex.”
“You two!” she chuckled.
“What?”
“You're as bad as each other. He's been concerned for you.”
I shook my head. “We've always been close.”
“Mm.”
I watched her. With a long, narrow face and hair that was pale blonde now, though likely gray, she was delicate and beautiful. I hoped I could be half that lovely when I was sixty. I loved her so much. I wished I could trust her. But she was really posh – the daughter of a highly-respected judge – and the thought of me sleeping with a cowboy would probably have put her in hospital on a ventilator.
“Mom?”
“Mm?”
“Alex. When he was in school... you remember?”
She nodded. “You mean when he went so quiet? Withdrawn?”
“Mm.”
She sighed. “I remember very well.”
“You ever found out what happened then?”
She shook her head. “No. I wish I had. He never told me. Always evaded the question. Why?”
“Because, well... he almost told me about it.”
“Oh?”
I sighed. “I wondered if you could tell me more. Because whatever it was, it's preying on him again.”
“Oh?” Her sweet face crinkled with worry. “That' weird. How come?”
I shrugged. “I wish I knew that.”
“Well,” she paused. “It is odd. I mean, what could possibly have happened out here, to bring it all back?”
“I don't know,” I ventured. “I was wondering the same thing.”
“Well,” she said, “maybe he heard from someone. A college friend or something. Maybe someone reminded him about it.”
“Mm.”
I hadn't thought of that. In my heart, I'd automatically associated it with Jared.
I realized now I was being silly. Why would that be? Just because he was also quiet about the real reason he'd helped Jared! Why would I associate the two things when they'd happened years apart?
“Well,” I sighed. “All we can do is just wait. Maybe he'll tell one of us.”
“Yes,” she said.
We were quiet. Around us, the garden was settling down into late afternoon. I could hear crickets chirping in the long grass near the fence. The trees sighed in the breeze. I felt the peace of the place sink into me and ease my heart.
I stood to go, finishing the dregs of tea left in my cup.
“Darby?”
“Mm?” I frowned.
“Stay safe, huh?” Mom said. “I know I'm not a policeman,” she grinned. “But I do worry about you sometimes. Both of you. Stay safe.”
I smiled at her. “Thanks, Mom,” I said. I squeezed her thin, manicured fingers. “I'll try.”
“Good.”
She looked so delicate, so worried. I wished, once more, that I could really trust her. But I knew this was one part of my life she'd never understand. Never forgive.
Like everyone else around me, she'd be really horrified by my choice in boyfriends. She had never really understood the depth of pain Alan had caused me, and, I think, still harbored fond memories of the time I'd been with him. She had always said he was a highly suitable match for me and I think somewhere in my heart that had damaged the trust I felt for her.
I can't tell her about Jared.
It occurred to me that, just maybe, Alex had some similar reason for hiding his own back-story. The one that involved Jared. The one about his strange month at high-school. Maybe those, too, were things he didn't think mom and her posh family would approve of.
“Come on, Darby,” I said to my reflection in the mirror. I was brushing my hair, getting ready for dinner with the family. “This is Alex. He's not like that.”
Alex would never have done something Mom wouldn't approve of.
No, I decided firmly, whatever it was, it was something else.
Something I'd probably never have to know: all I was worried about was that his current sadness was because of me and Jared. That it was my fault.
When I saw him at dinner, though, he seemed fine. Lively, animated. The Alex we all knew and loved.
I saw Mom looking happy and I caught her eye.
Yes, we were both thinking, whatever it was, it's gone now.
I wasn't going to let it plague me. Whatever was in Alex's past – and Jared's – was no business of mine.
I didn't know why I let it bother me so much.
Alone in my bed later, thoughts of Jared flooded my mind. I knew very well why I let it bother me. And it wasn't just the memories of how his body felt on mine. It was so much more.
It was the feelings he stirred in me.
Protective feelings, caring. Kindness. And something else weird that felt like a torch had been lit in the center of my chest.
I tried to make myself believe it wasn't the start of feelings for Jared. In my heart I knew it was. But I wasn't going to admit that. Not even to myself.
Jared wasn't suitable. I couldn't even tell Mom about it, much less actually expect her to approve of it. And if that was the case, I should walk away from it as soon as possible.
Everything else was just a waste of time. Wasn't it?
“Come on, Darby,” I said to myself, annoyed. “Go back to sleep.”