CHAPTER ELEVEN
Georgina
I'd never felt lighter in months. I knew that when I woke up in the morning Matt wouldn't be there waiting for me on my door, when I check my phone for messages I knew his texts wouldn't be flooding my inbox. Today I woke up knowing that my past was well behind me and I shouldn't worry about it catching up to me.
So when I saw Atkins walked through the door today, I couldn't help smiling just a little bit wider. He was looking really good, with freshly shaven face and tousled hair. I almost sighed out loud.
He was one of the reasons why I braved my past and faced Matt. I wanted to start a clean slate with Atkins. Maybe I didn't want a straight-up romantic relationship right away but I'd like to see how it would go with him. I wanted to take it one step at a time.
"Hey, you're late," I said in a joking manner.
He frowned at me, looking annoyed. "Don't you think I know that?" And with that he sauntered over to his workstation.
What was with him today?
Maybe he was just tired or maybe he woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Either way, I decided to cut him some slack. The guy was probably not in the mood for small talk. I couldn't blame him. Everyone in the firm was particularly high-strung because two of our projects were due this week and we were racing against time to finish them.
I powered up my computer and logged on to my email account. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Atkins stand up and walk to Lukas's office. He closed the door and stayed there for a few minutes— not that I was counting.
Fifteen minutes later Atkins got out of the office, his face red with anger. He slammed the door shut but not before Lukas said, "You can't do this. We're not done talking." Without another word, Atkins grabbed his coat, which draped on the back of his chair, and stalked out of the room.
"What was that about?" Zang asked to Clyde. Clyde only shrugged in response.
I decided to find out what was going on. I ran after him, which proved to be a difficult task because his strides were longer than mine. I finally caught up to him on the sidewalk.
"Hey," I panted. "Atkins, wait up!"
He stopped walking and turned to me. He didn't say a word, he just glared at me.
"Are you okay?" I asked with concern. "What's going on?"
"Shouldn't I be the one asking that question?"
"What?"
"Why don't you drop the act, Georgie? You don't really care about me, do you? You never did. You only cared for yourself."
His words stung me. Where was his anger coming from?
"What the hell are you talking about?" I asked. My voice shook and I hated how weak it sounded. I couldn't understand why he was suddenly spouting hurtful words at me.
He scoffed and said, "I'm tired of this little game of yours. It's over, you hear me? I don't want to play your games anymore. I don't want to see your face anymore. Stay away from me."
There was something in his eyes that showed he meant what he said, that everything had changed and there was no way to fix it. There was an absolute finality to it, like a door being closed and locked forever.
The soft snow crunched under his steps and his figure receded into the distance while I stood in the curb, tears streaming down my eyes.
It was like a deja vu, a few months before I also stood on the curb, with tears falling down my face on the night I found out Matt was cheating on me. It snowed then just like today.
When Matt broke my heart I thought I could never feel as much pain as I did that day. But this was way worse. Because with Matt, I knew we were growing apart and it was a ticking time bomb. But with Atkins, it blew up in my face and I didn't see it coming.
Bone deep chill seeped into my body and it was more than just the weather. The steady stream of tears were stinging my cheeks, my breath came out in puffs of smoke. My eyes were still trained on the direction of where Atkins walked away, willing him to come back.
But he never did.
I couldn't lose my shit on the curb so I returned to the office and headed straight to the bathroom. My eyes were puffy and red with the tears. I hated how I looked, so useless and defeated.
Atkins was a mistake. I could see that now. I thought we had something but it turned out to be just my imagination. I had no one to blame but me. Why didn't I learn a lesson with Matt? Why did I ever jump from the pan to the flame?
I smiled a mirthless smile at the mirror, the irony of it all wasn't lost on me. I splashed my face with cold water, hoping that the puffiness in my eyes would subside.
When I exited the bathroom, Mariz was on the other side of the door. Our gaze met and I watched as her expression turned from mild surprise to concern. Her eyes searched my face, trying to discern what happened to my red-rimmed eyes.
"Hey," she said softly. "Are you okay?"
One eye contact was all it took for her to know that something was wrong and I silently thank her for always being there for me.
I shook my head and said, "No."
No matter how hard I tried to control it, the tears let out again.
Don't cry. Don't cry. But the more I chanted it to myself, the more tears leaked out of my eyes.
"What's wrong, Georgie?"
"Everything," I sobbed.
Venting Atkins out of my system was good, venting him out of my system over shots of vodka was better. The alcohol made me bolder, gave me the courage to say out loud the things that I wouldn't be able to say if I was sober. The whole time I was talking, Mariz was empathetically listening to me, nodding in the right places, eying me with a mix of concern and pity.
"Looking back, I now realized that getting involved with him was wrong. I was too quick to jump from one man to another. I should've thought it through."
"Oh, honey." She wrapped a hand around mine. "It wasn't your fault he turned out to be such a jerk. It was so cruel what he did to you."
I nodded in agreement and tipped back another shot of vodka.
"I can't believe he did that to you. And here I am, thinking he was a good guy," Mariz continued.
She wasn't the only one who thought Atkins was a good guy. I did too.
"I wonder if this was connected to him quitting his job," Mariz mused out loud.
My head whipped around at what she said. "What do you mean he's quitting his job?"
"Remember when he and Lukas had an episode this morning? I heard from Zang that Atkins came into Lukas's office to tell him that he wants to quit his job and go back to Michigan."
Huh.
Should I feel sad about this news? Now that I've seen his true colors I shouldn't feel bad. If anything, this would make things easier for us. I didn't have to see his face every day, I didn't need a reminder of how he broke my heart. In fact, I should feel happy and relieved.
But I didn't. There was only hollowness, like a gaping hole inside my heart.
Losing him was like losing a limb. And the ghost of him still ached and throbbed.