CHAPTER NINE
Georgina
It was one in the morning and the average person would be tucked comfortably in bed at this time. But not us. The six of us were seated in the pantry, eating midnight snack and drinking coffee. We were doing everything to stay awake although it was hard because our body was really craving sleep. This was the fourth consecutive day that we were staying late to finish the ticketing app, and another software we were developing. Juggling between two projects wasn't unheard off in the firm, still it was a difficult job to manage. The solution was to divide the team into two. One would work with the app, the other team with the software. In my group were Zang and Atkins. And since we were a team, we were seated on one end of the table.
The table was merry with conversation, each of us trying to keep the sleepiness at bay. Everyone had something to contribute to the conversation except for me. I was sitting between Zang and Atkins, awfully quiet and nursing a cup of coffee. I was acutely aware of how close I was to Atkins, how our elbows rubbed together when we moved our arms, how my knees pressed against his so easily. I was distracted. He was so distracting.
The truth was that I didn't want to see or talk to him. Every time I saw him I remembered that night in my apartment and how he brushed me off. My ego was hurt; I wanted him. He said he was holding back for my sake. What the hell did that mean? So he was being chivalrous now? I didn't get him. One moment I thought I had him all figured out and then he does something so baffling and I was back at square one.
"What do you think, Georgie?" Lukas asked.
"What?" I asked back, having no idea what he was asking about.
Lukas frowned and eyed Mariz, a knowing look passing between them. He shook his head at me. "Nothing."
A few minutes more and we were done with snacks. Everyone got up to go back to their stations, including me.
"Georgie," Mariz called just as I was leaving the pantry.
"Yeah?"
Lukas was trailing behind her. They gestured for me to sit on the bench again. Lukas cleared his throat.
"What's the real score between you and Atkins?" he asked so suddenly that for a moment I didn't understand what he was talking about. Leave it to Lukas to be straight to the point.
"W-what?"
"Look, we've all been noticing this awkward air between the two of you. And as your friends, we're concerned with what is going on between you and him," Mariz stated, her voice soft with concern.
"She's right," Lukas said, nodded his head. "We are concerned about you two. We just want you to know that whatever problems you have, we're always here to help you. You know that, right?"
I nodded and said, "Yes, of course. Honestly, I'm surprised that you guys noticed."
"Of course we did," Mariz said, matter-of-factly. "You guys are like two birds during mating season, too shy to approach each other yet not wanting to walk away."
I let on a grin at what Mariz said. Leave it to her to come up with creative metaphors. "I'm so confused right now," I confided. "I don't know what he wants. He said he likes me but he's also holding back because he thinks I needed time to move on from Matt."
It felt good to let the frustration out, to finally tell someone about the things that had been circling my mind day and night.
"It only makes sense," Lukas said, nodding to himself.
"What do you mean?"
"I guess he just wants to make sure that you're ready to start another relationship. You haven't sorted out things with Matt."
"I don't really want to talk about Matt right now."
"See, that's the problem," Mariz commented. "That's precisely the problem. You don't want to talk about Matt, or talk to him."
"What's wrong with that?" I could hear the irritation and annoyance in my own voice.
"You can't run away from your problem forever, Georgie," she said, eying me with concern and understanding. "Maybe it's time to talk to him and explain your side, once and for all. Tell him you're happy where you are in life now. You both need closure."
I shook my head adamantly. I was petrified at the notion of talking to Matt. I wasn't ready to face him, I didn't think I'd ever be ready. But they were right, I can't run away from my problem forever. Deep inside I knew that one day this would come, that I would have to face him sooner or later.
I didn't know what to say to him or what he would say to me. I was afraid that he would be able to persuade me to get back together.
No. I couldn't do that anymore. We were done.
As much as I had loved him before, I couldn't trust him again. If I got back with him I would be consumed by my distrust with him every day. And nothing would be the same between us. Every time he was not on my sight I would always be worried he was in some other woman's arm. I couldn't live like that.
We had a lot of great memories but the love slowly faded even before he cheated on me. I knew the fallout was coming but I was too scared to rock the boat. I just didn't expect that it would come in the form of another woman.
Maybe he felt it too, and maybe he was just as afraid to rock the boat as I was.
I wanted nothing but to move forward. And to do that, I had to face him one last time.
"You have to do this," Lukas took my hand in his. "It's for your own good."
I nodded and said, "You guys are right."
My hand shook as I dialed Matt's number. I wasn't even sure if he would answer. I mentally ran through the things I wanted to say to him. It would be short and to the point. I didn't want to have small talks.
He picked up the phone and said, "Hello?"
My heart lurched and beat faster. I was secretly hoping it would go to voice mail so that I didn't have to talk to him. Leaving him a message would be so much easier.
"Matt? It's... it's Georgie." I held my breath for the next thing he would say.
"Georgie?"
It was just one word but so much emotion was put into it. There was disbelief, surprise and excitement all at once.
"Um, Matt, I can't stay long on the phone right now," I lied. It was lunch break and I had thirty more minutes to kill before I had to go back to my work. The truth was I didn't want to stay on the phone with him. "But I'd really love to talk to you about you and me. Um, are you free tomorrow afternoon?"
So much for the prepared speech in my head. My voice sounded nervous and weak, very much unlike the voice I was imagining when rehearsing what I was going to say to him.
"Yes, yes," he replied with much enthusiasm. "I'm free tomorrow afternoon. Around three, maybe? You okay with that?"
I nodded before I remembered that he couldn't see me. "Sounds good," I said instead.
"And Georgie?" There was hesitance in his voice now. "I'm really glad you came around. I'm glad we can finally talk about us."
My heart hitched at his last word. Us. There was no us, not anymore. He destroyed us.
"Bye, Matt. See you tomorrow."
I ended the call with a tap on my phone's screen. I stared at it for a few long beats, trying to convince myself that this was the right thing to do.
I was scared to death. I didn't know what to expect for tomorrow.
A distant memory came back to me. It was one of my earliest memories with Matt but it came back to me in vivid colors.
We were sprawled on the couch in his apartment one afternoon. His arm was draped around my shoulders, tracing random patterns in my arm. His nose was nuzzling my neck.
"You know I love you, right?" he'd said.
"Mmm, yeah," I mumbled, leaning towards his touch, marveling at how good it felt to be kissed on the neck.
He chuckled against my skin. It was a rich and beautiful sound. "Was that an answer to my question or a request for me to keep on kissing you?"
"Both," I giggled. "I love you, too. Always."
Despite all the tears and the anger, I could still recall that memory with such clarity. And I couldn't bring myself to hate it. Sure, Matt hurt me now but I cherished what we had. All those times we shared together was just so great and he had been so good to me. I used to think that I couldn't love anyone as I did him. But now I realized that I could.
Because I knew for certain that I was falling for Atkins.
That evening Atkins offered to drive me home. It was late and snowing hard and it might take a while before I could find a cab so I took the offer.
I massaged the back of my neck, trying to work out the knots in my muscles. I heaved a heavy sigh.
"What's the matter?" he asked.
"I'm okay. It's just that I'm so bone tired from staying up for almost four days."
A small smile tugged up the corners of his lips.
"You're not the only one. In fact I'd like nothing more than a hot shower and my soft bed tonight."
The image of Atkins dripping wet from a shower conjured in my mind. In my imagination he would be wearing nothing but a tiny piece of towel, and his smoldering gaze would be on me. The heat crept up my cheeks when, once again, I let my lush imagination take over me.
I cleared my throat and said, "Yeah, that sounds really lovely right now."
"Hey, um, are you free tomorrow?" he asked, leaving his eyes on the road for a second to gaze at me. "Maybe we can grab coffee in the afternoon?"
Crap. I was supposed to talk to Matt tomorrow. I couldn't cancel now, I didn't think I could stomach another call to him in less than twenty four hours.
"Actually, I'm not. Mariz and I are going out tomorrow afternoon." As much as I didn't want to do it, telling him that I would meet Matt tomorrow was too much to explain right now, and I wasn't sure he would understand. It was easier this way.
His forehead was scrunched up in a frown and then for a moment I thought there was anger that flashed in his face. And then he went impassive. I may have just imagined it.
"Alright," he said, something in his voice changed, somehow it became hard. "I get it."
He was silent throughout the drive until we arrived at my apartment.
He grunted a curt good night and left.
It was a gloomy Wednesday afternoon. The gray clouds hang heavy in the sky. The street had shallow puddles of melting snow and the surrounding was bleak. The weather was only apt for what I was facing this afternoon.
The shredded paper napkin littered the table I was occupying. I kept glancing outside the coffee shop, anxiously waiting for Matt. I already rehearsed what I was going to say to him. But I knew that what you thought in your head rarely go as planned in reality. Still, that didn't stop me from rehearsing my monologue one last time, if only to occupy my mind and to keep the nervousness at bay.
Matt finally arrived, he let in the cold winter air with him when he opened the door. He was dressed in his usual attire, dapper business suit and skinny tie, with a briefcase in one hand. He spotted me in one corner of the shop. He beamed and approached me.
"Hello, Georgie," his smile was bright but there was wariness in his eyes. He was gauging my reaction but at the same time wanted to make a pleasant and good impression.
"Hi, Matt," I said with much less enthusiasm.
Silence descended on us, it stretched on for a few long beats. None of us knew what to say next.
He cleared his throat, breaking the dead air between us.
"Look, I'm really sorry that we had to end it like we did," he latched on. To his credit he looked really sincere with his apology. But that didn't minimize the hurt he caused me. "I wish we could go back in time and change it."
"But the thing is, we can't," I said bitterly.
He flinched at the harshness of my words. "No, we can't," he whispered.
"What went wrong, Matt?" I finally had the chance to ask him the question I'd been dying to for months now.
Every night I lay awake, staring at the ceiling, my gaze fixed on the darkened light bulb. Every precious moment we had would play in my mind and that question would be at the center of it all.
"You shouldn't blame yourself. It was all my fault. But you should know that I really loved you. For a long time I did. But then I met Carmella. I didn't like her right away. But we were slowly slipping apart, growing apart, and she was there for me."
The sound of Carmella's name was like a knife to my heart.
"You weren't supposed to find out the way you did. I was planning to tell you that I wanted to end it. I wanted to break up with you the right way."
The thing with break ups is that there is no right way to do it. Because once you break up with someone, it meant shit hit the fan and it’s too messy to deal with the aftermath. So you choose to do the easy way and jump ship instead.
“But you didn’t do it the right way, Matt. And here we are.”
“Yes. I realize that I did the cruelest thing in the world. I let you down, and I hurt you. It would be selfish of me to ask for your forgiveness. I don’t deserve it. I also don’t expect you to understand me. But I want to do the right thing and tell you everything. It was the least I could do, after all those years we were together.”
We were silent once again. I was contemplating everything he said.
“Can I ask you a question?”
“By all means,” I said.
“What made you want to talk to me now? I mean, for months I’ve been trying to contact you and explain everything. Honestly, I lost hope that we would ever get to settle this.”
“Carmella actually came to my office,” I confessed.
He seemed really surprise by this news. “She did?”
“Yeah, and she said I should go talk to you. But I didn’t heed her words. I was angry at her for barging into my life like that. She was supposed to only be a shapeless shadow, you know? The woman who wrecked my relationship with my boyfriend. We’ve never talked longer than a few minutes than on that day. I didn’t listen to her, though. It was only lately that I realized I’d been carrying my past like a shackle around my ankle for months now. And I wanted to move on. I needed closure to move on, so I agreed to finally face you.
“The truth was, I was scared. I didn’t want to face you because it would open up the old wounds. You turned from the guy I really loved to this... monster I’m desperately trying to get away from.”
“Georgie...” He took my hand from across the table and held it in his. I fought the urge to pull it back. “I wish the circumstances were different.”
“But we don’t always get what we wish for,” I said.
It was the truth. Once upon a time I wished that Matt would be The One. For a long time I thought I got my wish, but in the end I didn’t.
“I would just like to clarify that I’m not asking to get back with you. We’ve grown apart and it feels like there’s this vast ocean between us.”
“I know, I understand. I’m not expecting you to. What I did to you was unforgivable, so I’m not going to ask for your forgiveness. But I want to end this without animosity between us. I want to say goodbye the right way.”
Tears threatened to fall from Matt’s eyes and he was blinking hard not to let it happen. His eyes were red with unshed tears. If it was the old and cynical me I would have curled my lip in disgust at him.
The loneliness and animosity that plagued me for months were slowly being lifted away from my shoulders. I should’ve done this a long time ago to save myself from the hurt and heartache.
He was right, we should end this without animosity. I was a long way from understanding why he did what he did but at least I could accept it. Even if it was far from forgiveness, it was one step to moving forward.
“Hey,” I said, my voice was soft, trying to comfort him with the word. “Although what you did really sucks, I don’t hate you so much anymore. For the record, the times we’ve spent together were some of the happiest in my life. I’ll always cherish them. You were there for me when I needed you the most, when I was figuring out things for myself. You’ve been good to me, and I thank you for that.”
The tears he was holding back now came freely falling down, one after another. And before I realized it, I was crying too.
Matt’s thumb wiped the tears from my eyes. “God, Georgie. I don’t deserve you. You’re too good.”
For a few beats we just sat there, staring at each other, trying to communicate with our eyes all the words that couldn’t be said out loud.
It was amazing how much you can know another person. You can tell when they’re upset just by the tone of their voice even if they don’t say it outright. Their silence could convey more words than when speaking out loud. A smile could mean a thousand different things. Your actions become attuned to theirs, their feelings reflect yours. Matt and I still had that familiarity. And in that moment we didn’t need words because of how familiar we were with each other.
After a moment I said, "Okay." It was only one word but it weighted so much. It was goodbye, I loved you and I'm setting you free in one word. "So this is it, then?"
"Yeah, I guess this is it. Good bye, Georgie."
He pulled me into a hug and I was surprised with myself for not pulling back. Instead, I received it because I knew that it would be our last hug. This was the conclusion of the seven years we had known each other. This was goodbye.
Maybe we would still see each other again, bumping into each other at the grocery store or something like that, but we would never be the same. This was it for us. This was the end of the road.
"Goodbye, Matt."