I’d calmed myself down, and sat sipping a hot cup of strong, black coffee. My life was a mess, but I wasn’t going to let it spiral out of control.

Declan sat next to me. He looked at me, the love he felt radiating from him.

“I didn’t wanna fall in love with you, Declan.” Confession was good for the soul, right? “And apart from Jake, I haven’t loved anybody since…” I stopped myself as that was a story I wasn’t ready to tell, not even him.

“You say it like falling in love is a bad thing,” he replied. “And what were you going to tell me before you stopped yourself?”

“It’s not important, but you belong to the church, not me.”

“I don’t belong to anybody, I never have.”

“You made your choice. You told the Bishop you’d never see me again, so what am I still doing here?”

“And look how that worked out.”

“Well, I’m not gonna stand by and watch you get booted out of your job, so I’ll go, and we can forget we ever met. Losing everything for me isn’t worth it.”

“I don’t wanna lose you,” he shouted, standing up, his face flushed. “Not again.” He looked shocked to have lost his composure.

“What do you mean, not again?” I asked.

He was flustered and stammered. “I-I didn’t mean it like that. You told me you didn’t wanna see me anymore, forcing me to choose the church. That’s all I meant.”

I don’t know whether instinct kicked in right then, but I didn’t believe him. “There’s something you’re not telling me, Declan. What is it?” I put my drink down and stood up, moving to stand beside the table.

“No, Matty,” he protested. “It was a slip of the tongue, that’s all.”

Cold shivers ran down my spine. Memories I’d long since buried, clawed their way to the surface. I felt like I’d been punched in the gut.

“What did you just call me?” I choked out the word, my legs suddenly feeling like jelly and threatening to give out under me. Staggering forward, I clutched the back of the chair for support as the ghosts of my past hurtled toward me at breakneck speed.

Declan moved fast, a look of panic on his face. “Are you okay?”

I pushed him away, and he stumbled backwards. “Don’t…” I said, struggling to find the words I wanted.

“Matt, please,” he said.

I looked into his eyes, trying to find the tiniest spark of recognition, and just when I thought I’d got it all wrong and it was all in my imagination, that the drama of the whole mess with Jake was playing tricks on my mind, there it was, after all this time. “No, it can’t be,” I said in the tiniest of whispers.

“Matt – you’re scaring me.”

I couldn’t speak another word right then. I didn’t know what I was supposed to say, but finally I swallowed the lump in my throat. His eyes, I thought to myself, trying to convince myself that what I knew in my heart couldn’t possibly be the truth. “Tell me who you really are?”

“This wasn’t how…” he said, scrambling to get those words out before I stopped him.

“Tell me,” I yelled, as my world began to crumble.

“It isn’t as bad as it looks right now, but you have to understand – it took me so long to find you, and now I have, I don’t want to lose you. Please, Matty.”

And there it was again.

“I need you to tell me the truth because the only person that ever called me that name died a long time ago.”

“You know who I am,” he replied, looking into my eyes. “Do I really need to say it?”

I looked into the eyes of the boy I’d loved and lost. “It can’t be,” I argued. “This is some sort of sick joke.” I could feel the anger rising within me and was scared of lashing out and hurting him. The room began to spin, and I felt like I’d be sick, but I forced it back down, trying to bury the burning rage I felt.

“Let me explain.” He reached forward to touch me and I backed further away.

All the times I questioned myself and my bizarre behaviour suddenly made sense. How I could feel so close to a man I barely knew? I knew who he was all along but was too scared to admit it to myself. I couldn’t admit to myself who he was because it would have hurt too much to believe the person I loved betrayed me and allowed me to believe he was dead. “Nothing you say will make it better.”

“It’s not what you think, Matty.”

“Don’t call me that, or I’ll...”

“What will you do? Hit me, because it’s nothing less than I deserve.”

“You lost the right to call me Matty a long time ago.” I cast my mind back to that first night we met. I knew it then.

“Look, let’s just sit and calm down. I can explain everything to you. You know I wouldn’t have hurt you intentionally.”

“Shut up before I do something I’ll regret,” I yelled, covering my eyes to try and stop the tears wanting to fall. “How could I have been so stupid?” I cursed myself for turning a blind eye to who he was, but I was in the throes of something I thought I’d never experienced before. My knight in shining armour had come to sweep me off my feet. That first flush of love was there, but it wasn’t a flush of new love, but something older, deep rooted, never-ending, carried inside me over the course of time.

“Matty,” he whispered. His voice cracked. “I know you’re hurting, and I felt the same when I found out you were still alive.”

My patience finally broke and I screamed at him. He jumped. “Declan, I don’t wanna hear anymore.” I had to get out of there before I lost my mind.

“I admit I haven’t handled things well and should have told you from our first meeting who I was, but I was scared you’d reject me. I wasn’t brave enough to risk losing you for a second time.”

Turning away, it was hard for me to look at him as the face I was seeing now morphed into the face I’d last seen as he climbed into the waiting car all those years ago, ready to take him away to a new life. “Declan, why that name?” I asked, still not looking at him.

“My parents wanted a whole new start and convinced me to change my name. I didn’t really want to, but it made them happy.”

“I liked the name Bradley.” I looked right into his eyes.

“Me too,” he replied. “Suited me.” He smiled, and I noticed his front tooth had been fixed. The ice wall I’d hastily built was melting fast.

“Is it really you?” I asked, terrified it was another terrible nightmare.