The next week at Hamilton house was a blur of cramping, sweating and insatiable hunger, only fully satisfied when Jordan was able to sneak back to me and fill me up with his juices, temporarily alleviating the effects from a particularly painful heat.

He was so sweet, bringing me little gifts each time he came by. We would fuck like animals and then sit around talking and laughing or watching stupid movies, occasionally pausing to make a work call or send a few emails. Lucky for us, work was slow this week. He would always kiss me on the nose right before he left, which made me tingle all over and smile like a goofball. I was head over heels into this guy.

We strategically avoided discussing the future because there were some painful truths we’d have to face which neither of us were ready to do. He was far too entrenched in the company to leave it now, but we couldn’t carry on our relationship without one of us leaving the company. This would mean that it would have to be me. Considering the job market, it was a miracle I was hired anywhere and, with the rent prices in San Francisco, I couldn’t afford to be unemployed for too long. If worse came to worse, I could move in with my parents, but that would mean moving to Florida and then Jordan and I couldn’t be together anyway! This was all too much for me to handle so, instead, I simply allowed myself to be fully present in each moment I was cuddled up in Jordan’s big arms while letting the problems of the future float away.

The day I left Hamilton House was a blow back to reality, however. Jordan came to pick me up in the middle of the night, so that we wouldn’t be seen by anyone. Leaving this place was bittersweet. I was glad to be done with my heat, but the safety that I felt here with Jordan was something I knew I would treasure forever.

“Babe, come on.” I heard Jordan whisper into my ear as he stood behind me. I was outside facing the front doors of Hamilton House, taking a moment to appreciate the place, if only inside my head. His car was parked right out front and as I hopped into the passenger seat, I felt such a mix of emotions, between gratitude and fear.

Jordan backed the car up, the sound of the wheels against the gravel and the distant sound of grasshoppers playing like a symphony in my ears. I did not relish going back to the city with the traffic, the car horns and the screeching of the cable cars. Most of all, I didn’t want to go back to the city because I didn’t want to feel fearful of my relationship with Jordan. This was the best thing I had ever allowed myself to have and I wanted to feel like I deserved it. However, I knew that the constant reminders of my own inadequacy (my dwindling bank account, small apartment, mediocre job) were just around the corner and that these reminders would only decrease my feeling worthy enough to be Jordan’s partner.

“What’s wrong?” Jordan asked as he gently placed his hand on my thigh.

“I’m just…I mean. What are we going to do?”

He let out a long sigh. “I don’t know yet, but I promise we’ll figure something out.” We rode the rest of the way in silence.

As Jordan dropped me off at my apartment complex, it seemed darker and less inviting than ever before. Since we couldn’t find any parking available (another glorious thing about living in a busy city), he wasn’t able to walk me up to my place. Instead, we said goodbye at the corner, while I removed my bags from his trunk.

“Well, I’ll see you tomorrow at the office.”

“Yeah.” I said. “See you tomorrow.”

I watched Jordan drive away, until the red lights in the back of his Mercedes disappeared as he made a left a few streets down the block. I unlocked the front door and was just in time to see Shirley Temple throwing her trash down the chute on the floor above. Hearing me come through the door, she looked down and furrowed her eyebrows.

“Oh GOD…YOU’RE back. I was hoping you had moved out.”